Foreplay

[Mapleissweet]

How long do you and dp spend on foreplay? By that I mean everything before piv.
I know my dh would rather miss it out completely and get straight to the action .
Sometimes I'll oblige, but often I like to get in the mood before I'm ready to go
What go you class as foreplay and how long do you spend on it. Or do you always compromise and do it dp way?

Depends on my mood. I'm sometimes happy to have some, other times, I'm happy to get on with it. Time plays a factor too, as does stress levels and mood.

OH would spend ages on foreplay if I so desired, but he's happy to go with what feels good for us at the time. I would never just oblige and I expect OH is the same!

I know it's not even 8am but it's Friday and the weekend us almost here

all day sometimes with all the snatched kisses, fondling and suggestions.

once in bed either full on until I come then PIV or straight into PIV and its always ladies first.

Sex isn't just about the enjoyment of one of the partners and if you feel dissatisfied and he couldn't care less; you have a problem

Really depends on the circumstances. Sometime none at all if we (I!) am ready and just having a quickie. Sometimesa few minutes, sometimes ages and sometimes we don't get to actual sex.

Very new relationship but he would spend hours "down there" .... It's me who after about 10 mins wants to get to the action!!

Think we are still at the all nighter stage rather than the quickie stage!!!

My partner doesn't just want piv he enjoys other types of sex too. More often than not we only do oral and mutual masturbation. When we do have piv sex then we always do foreplay, usually with a toy or oral. If my partner only wanted piv I don't think I'd be with him, we would be sexually incompatible and I would see that as very selfish behaviour.

DH always makes sure I'm sorted before PIV. For some reason I can come again during PIV if I've already come first but otherwise I have no chance of coming at all (and my muscle squeezing to try to make it happen tends to hurry DH along too much!)

How long? What do you want, actual timings??? Good sex is something spontaneous and inclusive, and that can mean anything from a quick knee-trembler to a tantric weekend's worth. If you're fundamentally mismatched on what you want out of sex then, very seriously, find a new partner.

What Cog said.

I need to have foreplay but I don't time how long it lasts. D.P once just penetrated me without any foreplay and it caused me to bleed. That's all the past now though and we're stronger now because he is aware of my ways likes and dislikes. I guess we're all different. xx

There is no defined time, it varies.

We like to 'wind' eachother up during the day with sexy texts, then through the evening with sexy whispers and sneaky squeezes and touches.
Then when the DC are settled we can spend 10mins - well over an hour before we have had enough and are both gagging for eachother

Your posts make me feel sad. My dh is lovely, works hard but is often so tired that he doesnt have the energy for sex unless it's there for the taking.
Occasionally he will go all out and it will be lovely.
But sometimes, unless I instigate or get straight to it if he instigates, it all just falls by the wayside.
I had a nice spa day last weekend. Was all smooth, relaxed and felt great after some treatments. Dh said I looked great, but he hasn't instigated sex at all this week.
I just feel a bit shit. I've spoken to him numerous times about how I feel, he makes an effort once or twice, then reverts back.
Feel like roles are reversed. But I just want him to find me sexy and need to rip my clothes off...

Has he always been unenthusiastic/lazy about sex or is this a recent thing due to tiring work?

We have 4dc and I know he us genuinely tired. We both are. I think over the years we have got into a pattern of quick sex, because if circumstances. He prefers it that way I think as there's less effort.

Long ago it was great, now it's just quickies and that's if he can be bothered. I want him to find me sexy and irresistible. Silly I know.

Have you tried rethinking sex completely. I don't like the term foreplay. It implies sex is all about PIV. It isn't. PIV is one kind of sex only.

If your relationship is generally very well balanced, in the sense that you're not doing all the nurturing, supporting and making things happen, there's quite a lot you could do to change this. If it's unbalanced, however, you could end up feeling worse if it results in you making all the effort with very little in return.

Initiate long, very passionate kisses and then walk away without allowing them to progress any more. Try straddling him (fully clothed) during an ad break when you're watching TV, kiss him madly, then get off and carry on watching TV as if nothing has happened. The point is not to let it lead to sex.

A BJ resulting in orgasm is sex. As is cunnilingus. Sex should be a mutual thing, but that doesn't mean you have to do both at the same time.

Pamper yourself as if you had a new boyfriend (the spa day sounds great - do more of them). Dress nicely, wear good underwear. Do it for yourself. Don't refer to it in front of your DH asking for validation, just do it because it feels nice. Desire comes from within. Other people turn you on, but they have to be able to stoke a fire that's already laid inside you. When you feel desirable, it is noticeable and sends out signals of attraction.

This is a lesson that maybe your DH needs to get on board with for himself, too. If he's stopped seeing himself as a sexual creature because he's too knackered/got in a rut, he needs to break out of it. Both of you should be finding time to have good old0-fashioned fun, ideally both separately and together.

Hope you manage to improve things.

That is great advice Dahlen. Practical help rather than he is a shit selfish dh etc. We are all crap partners sometimes.
We do a lot of what you say, dh us affectionate and loving, but sex just seems an effort to far.
He will make sexy comments etc, but then in bed he just feels asleep
But I do need to feel sexy for myself. I know it comes from within. I do feel it. But not sure if my dh sees it when I feel it!

I do seek validation from dh and I do ask if he thinks I look nice. Is this something I should stop Dahlen?
If he says I look nice. Should I just say thanks?
I want to go back to basics, but I've forgot what basics are!

Yes everything that Dahlen said. (Although I don't think I'd have the guts to do the TV thing! - I'd suggest maybe initiating something like this when further action isn't a possibility, like in the kitchen when the DCs are awake or if you're alone in a car/lift/whatever (ie semi-public)

Also is it worth looking at your lifestyle(s) in general? I think anyone would be tired with 4 small children, coupled with a demanding job. To support this it might be worth making changes such as eating better, sleeping more, having more relaxing sleep by starting rules like no screens before bed, keep electrical items out of your bedroom, maybe some kind of calming "bedtime routine" like bathing separately/together, keeping light low in the evening, lavender or other calming scents in your bedroom - almost like a baby's sleep routine!

Also exercise if he/you as a family can fit it in, you'll feel more tired at first but then it leads to higher energy levels. Vitamin supplements, perhaps - especially in these colder winter months. And just generally looking after each other and not trying to do so much if it's possible to cut things out. Make sure you give each other "permission" to have naps at the weekend, lie ins etc.

Above all, if you know you're both tired at the moment, accept that this is probably temporary. If your DCs are young then this is almost definitely the case. I don't think it necessarily means that it's going to be like this forever, especially if it wasn't always this way.

Would funds/opportunity stretch to a holiday away for just the two of you or even somewhere with lots of kids' clubs so he can forget about work for a bit and relax? And try not to put the expectation on yourself that these trips/breaks will lead to sex, because he will pick up on that and feel under pressure. Instead just look at it as a kind of "service" on your (plural) mental health like you would service a car.

Again great help Berstie.

We do lots of those things. Sweet nothings, cuddles etc. but sex only occurs if quick and instigated by me.

I need validation from dh that HE finds me sexy and I suppose wrongly I measure that through him wanting sex with me. If he doesn't I feel like he doesn't fancy me.

You read on here about it being dh wanting sex all the time and nagging which just makes me feel worse!

I want to remind him of how sexy I am and can be so that he just can't help himself

You need to take the focus away from sex, though, sorry! If it's energy he's lacking rather than desire (which it sounds very much is the case) then pressure doesn't help and may lead him to think "I don't want her to get all excited if I can't see it through, it's kinder not to bother."

I really really doubt that he has suddenly stopped fancying you. It's just that, well, let's be frank, sex is a rather energy sapping way of telling someone you fancy them. It sounds as though he just can't afford to expend that energy as often as you would like.

Look at this thread, you've said: He tells you nice things, you cuddle, he makes sexy comments (even if he doesn't follow them through) he is affectionate, he is loving, he said that you "looked great" after your spa. He encouraged you going on the spa trip, perhaps looking after the DC while you went or paying for it too. He's into sex when you initiate it.

It sounds to me like he does fancy you but he just doesn't have the energy for sex at the moment.

Re validation, ideally you want both I think. It's not remotely needy to want your DH to find you sexy. It's pretty much a given in a romantic relationship. However, one of the best ways to get your partner finding you attractive is, IMO, to feel sexy even when your partner is not around to say so. If you feel like a sexual, desirable person even when your partner isn't with you, he is much more likely to view you as one when he is.

Bertie is spot on. With 4 DC and jobs, you're probably both drowning a bit. I remember when my DC were very little that sleep was the most precious thing in the world, and that's coming from someone who needs comparatively little. As long as you don't lose the connection emotionally and affectionately, eventually the physical pressures will ease up. Keeping yourself in good shape physically will allow you to weather the demands on you much more easily.

All that said, tiredness has never stopped a truly aroused person from wanting sex. Full arousal pumps out hormones that stimulate you much in the way of an adrenalin rush. If you allowed yourself to get that aroused while also being knackered most of the time, eventually you'd collapse from exhaustion, so it's probably unrealistic to expect very frequent great sex with small children and job demands. However, I don't think tiredness can explain away everything.

What you're drowning under is responsibilities - big ones like jobs and more mundane ones like housework and children. Take all those elements out of your life for a moment and ask yourself who you are. What kind of person are you? What do you like doing? How do you have fun? A positive self identity that isn't defined in relation to others is key to feeling good about yourself and having great sex IMO. If those questions make you feel uncomfortable, I'd suggest that's what you and your DH need to work on. Start seeing each other as individuals, as well as parents/spouses.

I honestly think people are wired differently with regards to sex though - when I am tired or stressed or have other demands then my sex drive just goes. It doesn't mean I don't fancy DP it just means the thought of having sex seems like a lot of effort for minimal gain. But other people seem to find sex relaxing and get the desire for it whether they are tired or not.

If I'm very tired it takes a lot of effort from DP to get me in the mood. It doesn't mean that I can't get in the mood, it just means I'm extremely unlikely to get there myself. Johnny Depp could walk into the bedroom covered in chocolate sauce and I'd probably think "Not right now"

Bertie - I agree with you. Stressed, tired people don't feel sexy. Happy, healthy people do. Like so many things in life, one good thing leads to another.

Maple - the more we're all posting, the more I think there may be a two-fold approach needed in your marriage. It sounds to me as though the main problem is that your DH has got stuck in a rut and needs bringing out of it. You can do that by making yourself feel sexier because that will ultimately arouse him more, but unless he sees himself as a sexual person, rather than viewing sex as a physical need he needs to relieve (much like scoffing down a pasty on the run rather than enjoying a gourmet meal), you won't get far. Only he can do that though.