Foreplay

[Mapleissweet]

How long do you and dp spend on foreplay? By that I mean everything before piv.
I know my dh would rather miss it out completely and get straight to the action .
Sometimes I'll oblige, but often I like to get in the mood before I'm ready to go
What go you class as foreplay and how long do you spend on it. Or do you always compromise and do it dp way?

You all offer some great advice. Thank you.

I know it's because he is tired, but I suppose I'm just tired of getting what he offers when he feels like it.

I try hard to stay in shape and keep myself feeling good. I suppose I feel taken for granted, when if I let myself go he wouldn't like it.

I think what you said Bertie about if being a lot of effort for minimum gain resonates. And it's that which makes me sad as its probably how dh sees it. Sex with me is minimal gain .

We have a night away without children in a few weeks. I'll make the effort with stockings etc, he'll enjoy it, but then as soon as we're gone back to him being too tired to have quality sex rather than his quickies.

Thank you so much.

I am going to instigate project sexy so I feel great. Hopefully dh will then remember how sexy his dw can be!

We are out with friends tomorrow night for a posh dinner.
How within 24 hours can I start to change my approach?
What shall I do?

Do I need to stop being so 'available' for him?

Can we respectfully disagree Dahlen? I don't think that a lack of desire has anything to do with feeling like a "sexual person" or not, TBH. To me it just sounds like he's doing his best but ultimately the tiredness is getting in the way. I think it's just a case when you feel like that of getting through every day with the barest minimum and hoping that the source of the tiredness will pass, or you become better at dealing with it. If that is having small children and perhaps a busy period at work, then it will, and I think that it's very likely normal service will resume.

I suppose - you are saying that habits stay habits and this needs fixing sooner rather than later or it may get stuck, and I am saying it's just circumstance, and it will pass, and just try to understand and see the validation in other ways and understand it's not that he has stopped wanting to, it just seems too expensive right now. Have you heard the chronic illness "spoons" theory? I'm not suggesting he's ill but if everybody has a limited supply of spoons then he may feel it is out of reach because it would take too many spoons, just as you would not even think about having a foreign holiday if you didn't have the money for a caravan park in Wales.

:( I'm sorry Maple I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I know when I think or DP reminds me about how sex isn't just about physical pleasure but it is an intimate and bonding thing for the two of us and doesn't have to be all energetic or take hours, then it suddenly becomes a lot more appealing and a lot less daunting.

I was trying to illustrate that it's not a reflection of the way he's feeling it's just that it's not even registering in his head at the moment. I suppose it is selfish but it's a form of self-preservation selfishness, not malicious selfishness.

I snapped at him last night about this. It just frustrated me that I felt great after having lots if treatments last week and he hasn't instigated sex at all, I suspect he hasn't noticed that he hasn't either!
We spoke about his fantasies last week too (the obvious girl on girl action - me and another girl!). It turned him on thinking about it, still no sex.
He came in from work and was on about his colleagues laughing about hearing another colleague having sex and the comments made during the deed. And all the sex jokes that get laughed at at work.
I just think I am here dh, do you not want sex with me?
Aaaarggghh!
Think it is me who has issues!

Bertie - of course we can. It's all just opinion in the end isn't it. Hopefully, seeing some different perspectives on it will help Maple look at the problem in other ways and find a solution that works for her and her DH.

Maple - have you ever said to your DH "I am here dh, do you not want sex with me?"

Dahlen, if I say that (and I do but not nec those words). He will say yes, but no foreplay so to speak. Just clothes off and straight to it. Hence my original question as to how long others spend on foreplay.

There is no answer. I think I need to focus as people have said on feeling sexy for me and not dh and hopefully he will follow...

I do think it is a bit off for him to expect you to be up for sex without foreplay just because you initiated sex. I'm guessing he doesn't go from 0 to 60 in five seconds, so you have to do or at least say something to get him in the mood.

So I don't think he should be assuming that you are up for it AND ready to go just because you were the one to initiate the action if that makes sense. Physical and mental arousal are totally different states and it's not up to you to provide both of them!

You could try talking him through what you want. He might find that quite erotic. Or when he responds to your question tell him to use his imagination because PIV is off the table for that evening. Or, bit more confrontational though, tell him that his lack of foreplay makes for rather unfulfilling sex. I agree very much with Bertie that's it's incredibly inconsiderate of him to expect to dive straight in so to speak.

I think really good foreplay can go on all day long. Suggestive looks and touches, little "signs" etc can really help....one needs to anticipate the action before getting involved in it imo.

(Yes I'm quite high maintenance)

I don't get any foreplay really. It has made me not want sex with him as I always end up disappointed. Now I am just frustrated and sad but he does not know that yet. I have been a bit unwell and he thinks it is that which has put me off.

What do you mean Flora not "get any"?? you surely don't just allow your partner to fuck you with no intro?

Sometimes that's what my dh does. No intro at all.

He did spend some time on me a few weeks back by caressing, massage etc. the next day I says how lovely it was and he said I 'deserved'. Not sure what to make if deserve really

I agree with what most are saying - it depends.

DH is very attentive with the fore play (lucky me) and doesn't approach it like a chore (unlike some previous xp's) Sometimes it's me that wants to skip the foreplay and get straight to it - it just depends on the mood.

Sometimes it's no fore play and some times we have an hour of it before doing the deed.

Do people actually ALLOW a man to enter them without any foreplay????? What the actual fuck?

Come on...I demand answers. I can't believe it really happens in "normal" relationships.

I'm confused that man would think it acceptable just to enter your body like that, fore play should be essential and mutual. We both decide when to have piv sex he doesn't just put it in me. If he did I would tell him stop!

'Icameonthejitney' - love that.

For some men - farting and saying 'come here darlin' is foreplay.