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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

preventing a mistake

38 replies

hetty1980 · 24/10/2013 22:24

Hello I'm new so please excuse my lack of using the correct abbreviations! I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do (although I would love to know what you would do in this situation) but I really can't talk to any of my friends or family about this.

In a nutshell:
I'm 33 my husband is 10 years older and we have been together 8 years, married 1.

We got married because we both want children. At least I thought we did.

I came off the pill 4 years ago and had unprotected sex since then, no baby. I went to the docs 8 months ago and they suggested we start to see if there are issues. I had blood tests, all OK. My husband just needs to do his "bit".

Trouble is he hasn't and when I ask him why he hasn't he says he hasn't had time. Nonsense. I've not nagged or pressured but I'm starting to feel like I'm being stringed along.

On top of all this he is a high functioning alcoholic - drinking 6-8 cans lager a day and more on weekends.

I made a fuss of the alcoho, thing before we got married saying He must try and cut down. He hasn't.

I wrote him a letter a few months ago (I know but if I try talking to him he says nothing, literally nothing) saying that I don't want to be older than 35 for my first child and if I'm not pregnant soon, I don't want children at all.

He will only have sex with me 1-2 a month.

If you're still here, thank you! My options are either stick with it and face the fact that we could be a childless couple, in which case I think I will end up resenting him. Or I cut my losses now and face the humiliation of a short marriage and uncertain future.

Thank you for listening. I'm not normally this miserable!

OP posts:

ToTheTeeth · 24/10/2013 22:26

Cut your losses. Leave. How is this up for discussion? You married him for children. He doesn't want children. You're just young enough to start again. And he's an alcoholic who isn't supporting you.

There is nothing humiliating about a short marriage. Frankly other people are not that interested in your life. And everyone's future is uncertain. Better that than knowing it will be crap if you stay with him.

AnyFuckerReporting · 24/10/2013 22:27

I know you feel time is ticking but please don't try to have a child with an alcoholic. You would be opening yourself and the child up to all sorts of problems. Could his drinking be affecting his fertility in the first place?

cloudskitchen · 24/10/2013 22:28

Why do you want to have children with an alcoholic? I'm not judging, I'm just asking

sapfu · 24/10/2013 22:29

An alcoholic is an alcoholic, imo, no matter the level at which they function. Tbh, that alone for me would be reason not to conceive with this man. So I would cut my losses.

You might be desperate for a baby but how good a father do you think he will be?

Sorry.

InTheRedCorner · 24/10/2013 22:30

I wonder if his drinking is affecting his ability to father a child? Children are hard enough without other things standing in your way of happiness, ie his drinking.

YellowTulips · 24/10/2013 22:36

I think you need to take a step back and ask a different question of yourself.

As a responsible adult is it right for me to have a child with a man who has an alcohol problem?

I think you already know the answer to this one....

The next question is do I want to stay with this person in the blind hope he gets his shit together whilst we still have a chance to conceive?

The issue of embarrassment over a short marriage is a minor issue here.

Original poster

hetty1980 · 24/10/2013 22:41

Thank you for the direct responses, it really is what I need (which is why I haven't spoken to friends as they will be too 'awww' and 'oooh'.

You are right that I shouldn't worry about what other people think of a short marriage, its just that I know how it will affect our immediate families.

I also am starting to realise that I am being a bit selfish in trying to have s child with someone who, whilst I think would be a very kind and loving father, has some issues that need to be addressed.

I'm not excusing his drinking but it doesn't affect our relationship daily. Overall we have a laugh and he's my best friend but the drinking is always there in the back ground.

He has got away with this behaviour for too long so I will tell him I don't want children with him unless I see some drastic improvement and that he goes to the docs. And make it clear that if we don't have children that is effectively ending our marriage.

At least that gives him a final chance...

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 24/10/2013 22:44

OP I think you have just answered your own post

That's exactly what you should do.

pigsDOfly · 24/10/2013 22:50

Embarrassment with whom? And why does it matter what others think? More importantly, why would you want to have a child with such a dysfunctional man?

I would think it almost certain that the amount of alcohol he's consuming is having an affect on his fertility. And are you happy with sex one or twice a month? The relation hardly sounds like one to bring a baby into.

You're still young. Cut your losses and if, in 10 year's time you haven't met a lovely reliable man with whom to have a child, maybe you'll want to think about doing it alone; that's also a possibility.

ballstoit · 24/10/2013 22:52

It's a bit of a contradiction to say he won't answer you when you ask him a reasonable question, and that he's your best friend.

He is only your best friend if you do as he wants, and don't disagree with him.

I'm lone parent of 3 DC, having been married to their dad for 7 years. He was a gambling addict, financially and verbally abusive. In your situation, I'd be looking to have a child alone before I'd have one with your h.

sapfu · 24/10/2013 22:55

I think his drinking will affect your relationship and much more if you have children together.

Original poster

hetty1980 · 24/10/2013 22:57

Good point, this is certainly more a marriage of friendship than passion and I thought that would make for a lasting marriage but I can't deny wanting a more regular love life!

I'm just cross at my younger self for not nipping this booze problem in the bud in the first year of dating, he's been allowed to do it for too long and is probably thinking I wont make a difference now.

Funny how writing it down on a forum makes it so clear! Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:

Val007 · 24/10/2013 22:59

Cut your losses. Consider yourself lucky you had no kids with an alcoholic. You will soon find someone else and this time you must not compromise with fundamental issues in the marriage. Good luck!

sapfu · 24/10/2013 23:01

You cannot possibly nip someone else's alcohol addiction in the bud. Nor can you stop someone drinking. You have no blame or responsibility for your partner's drinking, that's down to him and him alone.

pigsDOfly · 24/10/2013 23:03

If he's an alcoholic OP. He is the one who will have to 'nip it in the bud'. It isn't something you could or can stop. He has to face up to the fact that he has a problem and get help. Unfortunately all you can do is stand on the side lines and hope for the best.

You need to think of yourself. I hope it works out for you.

pigsDOfly · 24/10/2013 23:03

Cross post

LadyMud · 24/10/2013 23:17

Unless you are monitoring your fertile period very closely, sex once a month is unlikely to get you pregnant. As you've already discovered . . .

Nagoo · 25/10/2013 00:43

Stop trying to get pregnant.

If I were you I would leave. He can't drink like that and parent reliably, and you can't make him stop drinking.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/10/2013 08:08

Without being too blunt, would you want this man as your father??

To have a child with a man who drinks 8 cans of lager everyday....who won't discuss important decisions...is just madness. You will be so unhappy, it'll be a miserable way to bring children up.

You're still young. My friend has just had her first baby at 39. She met her amazing husband 4 years ago after YEARS of bring Bridget jones. He is such a goodman, she is such a lovely person and all her waiting paid off- she now has her little family.

Put it this way, another year in your situation is another year you won't get back. You need to make a decision (really hard I know) and go with it.

Good luck x

mammadiggingdeep · 25/10/2013 08:10

Without being too blunt, would you want this man as your father??

To have a child with a man who drinks 8 cans of lager everyday....who won't discuss important decisions...is just madness. You will be so unhappy, it'll be a miserable way to bring children up.

Put it this way, another year in your situation is another year you won't get back. You need to make a decision (really hard I know) and go with it.

Good luck x

Meringue33 · 25/10/2013 08:19

Trust me, you do not want to raise children with an alcoholic, the fallout for the child is usually horrendous. Have a look at the website for Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I mean this kindly, but I suggest you educate yourself about alcoholism. It is a serious disease and cannot be cured by asking your DH to shape up!

You could have children alone (sperm donor pref to practising alcoholic, IMO), or wait. I know several women who have had their first child in late thirties or early forties and been blessed with healthy children.

Sparrowlegs248 · 25/10/2013 08:20

Hwe needs to take action and quickly. Stop the drinking and get to the Drs though i am still not sure that i would be happy that i had to issue an ultimatum in order to get him to do those things.

Drinking to that level is highly likely to be affecting his fertility, coupled with sex 1 - 2 times a month, to be honest its no surprise you aren't pregnant!

EricLovesAnyFucker · 25/10/2013 08:36

You can't nip his alcoholism in the bud. It's a blessed relief that he can't impregnate you because he'd be a terrible father. Cut your losses and try to find someone else or look into having a child alone if you really want one. Forget having one with this guy.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2013 08:58

"I made a fuss of the alcohol thing before we got married saying He must try and cut down. He hasn't"

They rarely do, sadly. And your ultimatum about children is likely to fall on deaf ears as well. From his perspective, you see, his life is fine. He carries on drinking and there are no consequences to him personally. The marriage happened even though he's still drinking & you're still there even though he's still drinking so why change? You're the one having a bad time of it, not him, and you can't change his behaviour, only your own response.

As others have said alcoholics make pretty bad parents & partners largely because they're selfish and unreliable.

Original poster

hetty1980 · 25/10/2013 13:27

Thanks for the messages.

One thing I didn't mention is that we had a 'break' a few years ago and I moved out for a year. During this time we spent it fixing the issues we were having at the time but I will never forget the phone call I had with his Mother and she said 'well, that's it for him now he's never going to have children or any sort of life' as if I was responsible for his happiness.

That guilt is still weighing heavily on my mind - if it is indeed the end then what kind of life is he going to have? I feel like crying thinking of him all alone and probably drinking more and not having someone to share his life with. He has a great group of friends but he's quite introverted so wouldn't make the effort to see them.

God, the more I look at all this the more of a car crash it seems! What I would do to turn the clock back a few years.

OP posts:

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