preventing a mistake

[hetty1980]

Hello I'm new so please excuse my lack of using the correct abbreviations! I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do (although I would love to know what you would do in this situation) but I really can't talk to any of my friends or family about this.

In a nutshell:
I'm 33 my husband is 10 years older and we have been together 8 years, married 1.

We got married because we both want children. At least I thought we did.

I came off the pill 4 years ago and had unprotected sex since then, no baby. I went to the docs 8 months ago and they suggested we start to see if there are issues. I had blood tests, all OK. My husband just needs to do his "bit".

Trouble is he hasn't and when I ask him why he hasn't he says he hasn't had time. Nonsense. I've not nagged or pressured but I'm starting to feel like I'm being stringed along.

On top of all this he is a high functioning alcoholic - drinking 6-8 cans lager a day and more on weekends.

I made a fuss of the alcoho, thing before we got married saying He must try and cut down. He hasn't.

I wrote him a letter a few months ago (I know but if I try talking to him he says nothing, literally nothing) saying that I don't want to be older than 35 for my first child and if I'm not pregnant soon, I don't want children at all.

He will only have sex with me 1-2 a month.

If you're still here, thank you! My options are either stick with it and face the fact that we could be a childless couple, in which case I think I will end up resenting him. Or I cut my losses now and face the humiliation of a short marriage and uncertain future.

Thank you for listening. I'm not normally this miserable!

Thank your lucky stars for not falling pregnant with this man after trying so persistently. It would only get worse (much worse) with the arrival of a baby.

Addicts sometimes change when they hit rock bottom. They're certainly less likely to change when everything's alright-ish. So when you leave, this may eventually prompt positive changes, although it would certainly have to get much worse before it gets any better.

I hope you also understand that the baby (if you were to fall pregnant) would run a much higher risk of various health issues.

You can't turn the clock back. But you can draw a line here and decide to reject him. Not easy but you're looking at a perfectly good life wasted waiting for someone who will never change.

I agree with Glenshee, he is stuck in a comfortable rut with you and you're effectively enabling his drinking by staying with him (ie, he knows you're not happy with it, he drinks anyway, but you stay with him so no reason for him to really stop).

Cut your losses.

Even if you were to adopt or have IVF, I don't think he would be a good parent, TBH. Would you trust him with any children? With a baby?
How much does he do at home? Would he do his bit?

And
I'm just cross at my younger self for not nipping this booze problem in the bud in the first year of dating, he's been allowed to do it for too long and is probably thinking I wont make a difference now.
It is NOT your responsibility. He would have to be the one making the changes. He had a year to sort himself out. He didn't.

If anything you shouldn't have married him. But we all have our "I shouldn't have..."
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. :)

Do NOT feel guilty and do NOT feel responsible for what he does with his life. If he's not bothered enough to be proactive to get what he wants, then why should you be?

If he wanted to stop drinking, he would. If he wanted children, he would have the tests and be pushing to move that forward (plus he would stop drinking!). If he wanted to have a healthy relationship with you, he would communicate instead of ignoring these major issues.

You cannot fix this relationship alone, and I would hate for you to get older and not get what you want and deserve from life. You only get one!!

A short marriage isn't humiliating.

You are young enough to start again but don't waste any more time.

At home he's great - he probably does more around the house than I do! We have 2 cats that we joke are our 'test children' and he fusses and worries about them like a right idiot. He's also good with my niece and nephew which I think is why I've thought he could be a fantastic Dad were it not for the booze.

But MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet you are absolutely right in that if he really wanted children he would have the tests and he would make the effort to stop drinking.

I need to stop being the enabler and do something. Fun, one-sided conversations ahead over the next few days! I'm not writing another bloody letter that's for sure.

Look, he is NOT your responsibility. His mother was totally out of order trying to make you feel guilty like that.

It is his life - listen to me, he has to live with the choices he made. So what if you didn't tell him 7 years ago that if he chose to carry on drinking he would eventually lose you... it's a risk he decided to take. He could have stopped drinking at any time during or before the last 8 years and he has not chosen to. Honestly, I doubt even if you'd asked him to he would have done. An addiction like alcohol or any other drug, nicotine, illegal drugs - the person has to want to stop themselves. It's not enough for someone to tell you to stop. And think about it, if he wanted to, he would have done already.

The alcohol might not affect your relationship now, but you become extremely vulnerable when you add a child into the mix. You need someone who you can rely on. He is not it.

Please cut your losses and let him get on with his life the way he chooses to live it - you deserve better.

It's worrying that someone who's involved with an alcoholic is so naïve about alcoholism. As everyone has said you cannot 'nip it in the bud', only he can do that, and he doesn't appear to want to.

This is not a problem you can fix, nor is he your responsibility.

You cannot be a good father if you are a drunk, however nice you are underneath.

If you're not in contact with al-anon I think it would be sensible to go along, to open your eyes to the reality of what you're involved in.

he could be a fantastic Dad were it not for the booze.

And that is the problem.

It's easy to be nice with children (nieces and nephews) when you can do it at times, convenient for you. Parents don't have this luxury! You are with your kids 24/7, every minute of every day.

I think you are very very naive as well (sorry!).

You need to educate yourself about this sad and sorry disease.
He will ALWAYS choose alchol over you and your happiness.

It's hard, but you must stop fooling yourself.