peolle with Aspergers/ASC - how do you feel about physical intimacy/affection?

[Puttheshelvesup]

I have been with dh 11 years. We have 2 ds 5.7 and 2.10. I have recently been diagnosed with mild ASC, which has lead to us both having to rethink the physical side of our relationship.

Sex and physical intimacy is sometimes a problem. Dh wants more than me. We used to believe it was because I was sexually abused as a child, and that one day, with the aid of therapy, I would be 'fixed', but now I feel like this is actually just the way I am. Physical contact with others, especially after being used as a human climbing frame by a toddler all day, is just a bit much.

Since the diagnosis is fairly recent I'm still getting to grips with it.

People with Aspergers, are you comfortable with physical intimacy/sex in the same way as neuro typicals, or is there a distinct difference with how much you want/need? Spouses of aspie's, I would love to hear from you too.

Obviously that should say 'people'....

Anyone?

Obviously many people, whether or not they have an ASC, find sex and physical intimacy difficult when they've been 'touched out' by small children all day and have a history of abuse. What about trying sex therapy together and seeing how far that gets you?

I hope your husband is not pressurising you for sex.

Surely this is an individual thing? It's not necessary to have an an atypical neural condition to find physical intimacy unpleasant or to have mismatched ideas about physical intimacy with a partner. In fact it's one of the most common problems on the Relationships board. The trick is to find a partner who is compatible and/or happy to compromise ... not to marry someone incompatible and then hope to magically fix things retrospectively.

I have AS too and also a DS on the spectrum. DS has sensory processing difficulties which means that he's over-responsive to some sensations, including noise and physical touch. It's very common for those on the spectrum to experience this, so it's not just an individual thing but fundamentally connected to their ASD. We've had to do a lot of work with him about this using specialist OT, but I've not heard of it being available or effective for adults.

Personally, I have some difficulties with sensory processing/intimacy in general, but for me it manifests itself in finding it hard to be in crowded/noisy/visually stimulating places. Physical intimacy with DH is not such a problem, but I don't have small dc so perhaps I would feel overwhelmed too if I had them climbing on me all day. We are lucky in that our sex drives are well-matched. I think the main way my ASD affects our sex life is that sometimes I'll get caught up in my special interests/stay up late (as sleep issues are a common issue for those with ASD) and DH is fast asleep before I'm anywhere near ready for bed!

I think it would be helpful for you to look at counselling, but definitely try to find a specialist who understands ASD issues, as it's easy for people to make generalised assumptions and give inappropriate advice.

Undergoing assessment for AS at present. I have found that feathery-stroking, the light touch as it were, can be excruciating. Firm stroking, however, is enjoyable.

Dh is not pressuring me for sex! He is lovely.

With regards to finding someone with a similar sex drive, there have been complications that have muddied the waters. We actually don't know how mismatched/compatible we are. When we do have sex it's amazing, we like the same stuff etc.

We had a honeymoon period with lots of sex that lasted approx 3 months, then dh went through some very traumatic emotional problems (unrelated to sex) that caused premature ejaculation. This caused a whole host of problems due to the knock to his confidence, performance anxiety etc. Cuddles and hugs were always frequent.

It took a few years for this to get sorted, by which time I shut down a bit sexually as it was really unsatisfying having sex with someone so Ill at ease with themselves.

Then we had dc's, and tiredness and being 'cuddled out' were big factors, and dh became frustrated with the lack of physcality in our relationship.

18 months ago memories of sexual abuse resurfaced for me and that had a massive impact on my mental health and our physical relationship. At this time dh completely stopped asking for intimacy and has since let me initiate everything. I have processed most of the trauma and feel much better. I thought that once I had healed I would feel much more at ease with dh physically but it's still not like it was pre babies.

So, you see we have never really had a chance to see what our non-honeymoon sex drives are really like.

I was just interested how others with sensory processing issues (I have difficulties with noise, crowds, light etc.) Were in their relationships.

I'm aware that it is possible to have intimacy issues without ASC, but tractionengine is correct in saying that it is there is a fundamental connection between ASD and discomfort with physical contact, and I would like to gain a better understanding of this. It's possible I have not healed and I need more therapy, or this could just be the way I am, and when the dc's are a bit older and less physical there will be more room for dh.

There is no pressure from dh to be different.
I have a great relationship with dh, we love each other and work well together, and I want to be able to provide an explanation for why things are as they are.

Dh is not pressuring me for sex! He is lovely.

With regards to finding someone with a similar sex drive, there have been complications that have muddied the waters. We actually don't know how mismatched/compatible we are. When we do have sex it's amazing, we like the same stuff etc.

We had a honeymoon period with lots of sex that lasted approx 3 months, then dh went through some very traumatic emotional problems (unrelated to sex) that caused premature ejaculation. This caused a whole host of problems due to the knock to his confidence, performance anxiety etc. Cuddles and hugs were always frequent.

It took a few years for this to get sorted, by which time I shut down a bit sexually as it was really unsatisfying having sex with someone so Ill at ease with themselves.

Then we had dc's, and tiredness and being 'cuddled out' were big factors, and dh became frustrated with the lack of physcality in our relationship.

18 months ago memories of sexual abuse resurfaced for me and that had a massive impact on my mental health and our physical relationship. At this time dh completely stopped asking for intimacy and has since let me initiate everything. I have processed most of the trauma and feel much better. I thought that once I had healed I would feel much more at ease with dh physically but it's still not like it was pre babies.

So, you see we have never really had a chance to see what our non-honeymoon sex drives are really like.

I was just interested how others with sensory processing issues (I have difficulties with noise, crowds, light etc.) Were in their relationships.

I'm aware that it is possible to have intimacy issues without ASC, but tractionengine is correct in saying that it is there is a fundamental connection between ASD and discomfort with physical contact, and I would like to gain a better understanding of this. It's possible I have not healed and I need more therapy, or this could just be the way I am, and when the dc's are a bit older and less physical there will be more room for dh.

There is no pressure from dh to be different.
I have a great relationship with dh, we love each other and work well together, and I want to be able to provide an explanation for why things are as they are.

Dh is not pressuring me for sex! He is lovely.

With regards to finding someone with a similar sex drive, there have been complications that have muddied the waters. We actually don't know how mismatched/compatible we are. When we do have sex it's amazing, we like the same stuff etc.

We had a honeymoon period with lots of sex that lasted approx 3 months, then dh went through some very traumatic emotional problems (unrelated to sex) that caused premature ejaculation. This caused a whole host of problems due to the knock to his confidence, performance anxiety etc. Cuddles and hugs were always frequent.

It took a few years for this to get sorted, by which time I shut down a bit sexually as it was really unsatisfying having sex with someone so Ill at ease with themselves.

Then we had dc's, and tiredness and being 'cuddled out' were big factors, and dh became frustrated with the lack of physcality in our relationship.

18 months ago memories of sexual abuse resurfaced for me and that had a massive impact on my mental health and our physical relationship. At this time dh completely stopped asking for intimacy and has since let me initiate everything. I have processed most of the trauma and feel much better. I thought that once I had healed I would feel much more at ease with dh physically but it's still not like it was pre babies.

So, you see we have never really had a chance to see what our non-honeymoon sex drives are really like.

I was just interested how others with sensory processing issues (I have difficulties with noise, crowds, light etc.) Were in their relationships.

I'm aware that it is possible to have intimacy issues without ASC, but tractionengine is correct in saying that it is there is a fundamental connection between ASD and discomfort with physical contact, and I would like to gain a better understanding of this. It's possible I have not healed and I need more therapy, or this could just be the way I am, and when the dc's are a bit older and less physical there will be more room for dh.

There is no pressure from dh to be different.
I have a great relationship with dh, we love each other and work well together, and I want to be able to provide an explanation for why things are as they are.

Intimacy doesn't really stand up to 'explanation' I don't think. Love, intimacy, sexual compatibility etc are all complex and highly personal emotional responses that don't tend to conform to logical paths and rationality. Worse... if you spend too long thinking about it, it can kill the very spontaneity and fun that you're trying to generate.

Thanks for replying cog. I understand the complexities of this issue but I really would like some first hand accounts of this problem from people with an ASC. I haven't spoken to many others who share this condition and I would like to widen my understanding of it. A prominent trait of ASC's is the need to categorise and find order in the world, it creates a sense of structure and security, so please could you be considerate of this?

Have you tried an Asperger's forum?

I think it's going to be very difficult to answer whether your issues with physical intimacy are due to Asperger's, partly because of your history of sexual abuse, and partly because it's a common reaction for non Asperger's mothers anyway (as is the issue of H wanting sex more than wife).

Hi Twinkle, I had just googled for one as your post came up. I thought there were quite a few people with an ASC on here but it seems I was mistaken. I feel really down about it, I come on here for advise about everything! I don't like having to go elsewhere for answers, other forums are just not MN!

There are a few who lurk, like me. With a trusted partner (lovely DH) I have a love of finding out what works for us both. Sensory pain is very common with autism; four times as many report pain issues around touch compared to non-autistic people. So techniques have to be sensitive to those needs. If that helps answer the question.

Hi there,

I don't have ASD but wanted to answer. I am not a tactile person, never have been. Not sure if it stems from the fact that I didn't have a very loving childhood or if it's just the way I am! I am really particular about my personal space, and the only person I'll allow into it is my husband. I feel really awkward hugging friends or family, even if it's just a quick hug to say hello. I have had to teach myself to do that without recoiling. The weird thing is that I love cuddles, sex and every form of touching with my husband, I have no problems going for a massage, and will quite happily pet a cat/dog/snake/whatever creature for hours, so it's not a thing with 'touch' per se, more that I dislike people invading my personal space. I was never sexually abused. Not sure if that helps at all, but you are not alone!

I have ASD.

I'm okay with DP and DS but otherwise I cannot touch another person.

Shaking hands and stuff like that. I'll do anything to avoid it. It's so odd. Such a weird thing to do. Can just about force myself to do it but people must see my reluctance.

I don't know if it's the ASD or it comes from childhood. My mum had RSI when I was younger and I wasn't allowed to touch her because she was in pain. She's fine now but I still can't touch her.

Touching anyone just makes me really uncomfortable.

Have you read "Aspergirls"?

I have ASD and have never been comfortable with physical contact. Although DD's touch doesn't bother me as much asa other people's, I am still "touched out" by the end of the day. Plus exhausted, and very insecure about the state of my post-baby body.

I desensitised myself to DH's gentle touch when we first got together (gritted teeth and gradually training him to touch more firmly) which worked very well - but I am back to square one now. Possibly even back to negative numbers. He doesn't press me at all, but I do feel bad about it!

I do find firm touch helps, and less often. I try and initiate when I feel I could get into it, then he is less likely to want it on nights that I really can't. He doesn't know I do this btw! Also a lot of avoidance techniques such as early/late nights to avoid going at the same time.

I hope this helps - it does seem to be pretty common with NT people too, but so much worse when yoou already have contact issues!

Thanks for replies. I haven't read Aspergirls but it's on my 'to read' list now. I also feel really uncomfortable with other people touching me. Even if my sister hugs me when I'm not prepared for it I feel a little rising panic and freeze. She doesn't know that though. I just hate people being in my personal spacespace without checking that it's OK first, it feels very intrusive.

I don't have Aspergers either but am in the same position as CarpeNoctem so wanted you to know that it as much as you want/need to categorise things, there are still exceptions to the rule.

Do you think you could accept or acknowledge that you have to just accept they way you are as an individual and not just because you have Aspergers? I have the same need as you to have an understanding of why you are they way you are but at the same time you can accept it without having to put a label or definition on it.

Dh has Aspergers and he enjoys sex/love making.

He does have issues around when and what else is going on around us at the time; which is why we try to schedule it. It hasn't knocked the romance like I thought it would.

I have aspergers and can't bare to be touched by anyone else than DH. Even when my mum hugs me, it's horrible. I only have a baby so don't know what it's like to be climbed on all day.
I probably initiate sex more than DH as sometimes he tries and I reject him as I don't want to be touched, so he has learned to read the signals.
Feathery stroking makes me feel ill and I freak out and need to rub my skin to make the feeling go away.

Feathery stroking makes me feel nauseous and I don't have an ASC.

DP has AS and has prompted me to read a lot about it. He also talks about how it affects him.

The sensory stuff you describe sounds very typical for some people with AS.

For us it is normal that difficulties (eg with communication, sex or other things) take quite a lot of time and patience to improve.

Good luck :)