peolle with Aspergers/ASC - how do you feel about physical intimacy/affection?

[Puttheshelvesup]

I have been with dh 11 years. We have 2 ds 5.7 and 2.10. I have recently been diagnosed with mild ASC, which has lead to us both having to rethink the physical side of our relationship.

Sex and physical intimacy is sometimes a problem. Dh wants more than me. We used to believe it was because I was sexually abused as a child, and that one day, with the aid of therapy, I would be 'fixed', but now I feel like this is actually just the way I am. Physical contact with others, especially after being used as a human climbing frame by a toddler all day, is just a bit much.

Since the diagnosis is fairly recent I'm still getting to grips with it.

People with Aspergers, are you comfortable with physical intimacy/sex in the same way as neuro typicals, or is there a distinct difference with how much you want/need? Spouses of aspie's, I would love to hear from you too.

I wonder, is it actually the action of touch from people, or even just being in close proximity, say on public transport in rush hour? what do people who have ASD feel like being on a packed train - or is it different than the hand touch?
Also, just to add, people with OSD don't like touching/hugging people either due to obsession with germs, and it makes them feel physically sick too.
I absolutely loathe air kissing - fake and WAY too intimate with people who are not patrners. Not just hands touching but also face to face closeness, and if you hate their perfume, or lack of hygiene - tough! I wonder if I'm bordering on AS now.

should've said 'many people with OSD' (not all )

Being jostled in a crowd is really painful for me. Unexpected hugs likewise. But I love consensual ones that are the right level of pressure. Temple Grandin speaks a lot about hugging. Worth googling.

This is all really helpful stuff, thank you. For the posters who are questioning whether I should actually be questioning this at all:

I want to understand this as I need to know if I will be spending a lot more money on therapy in order to tackle the any more possible damage done by the paedophile who abused me age 3. I have healed a lot, but I still find intimacy with dh difficult unless I am prepared for it. This could be due to the abuse, or due to have an ASC and being 'cuddled out' by two small children. I realise you don't need an ASC to have touch sensitivity, but I do, so I'm going to explore it. It's important to me and I find having to explain my reasons several times a bit exasperating. You may not agree with it but please respect the stance I have taken.

Excuse typos

I'm self diagnosed aspergers (my older DS is starting diagnosis, if he is diagnosed I may seek a formal one myself). I recognise a lot of what you say.

Feather touching is like having bugs under the skin, just awful. Firmer pressure is much better. I also had a period of honeymoon sex when I was maxed out on oxytocin and didn't feel a lot of the sensory issues I normally would.

I find being tired makes it a lot harder to deal with sensory problems. With young kids I am always tired. And I just don't really value sex, most times it's not that important to me. I'm only ever interested around my progesterone spikes, ie ovulation and just before menstruation. But I make an effort as I love my husband and it is important to him. I still struggle with what a fair balance looks like.

I'm also hoping that as small climbing things get bigger I will be less over touched. My birth family is not very tactile and I'm not either. I love love love baby cuddles and sofa snuggles with my boys but sometimes it is just too much. Baths help to get rid of the skin crawl feeling (firm pressure with no motion) and dark rooms and no background noise.

Not sure if that helps, just wanted to say a lot rings true and I'm not an abuse survivor. Xxx

Feathery touching is actually painful for me.

I was mildly abused as a teenager - he was a neighbour/friend of family - had he been a stranger I could have said no, but had no idea what to do about the situation. It affected my sex life for years but my H was someone I could trust in bed, and we had a good time until I lost my respect for him, and thus my libido (another long story).

Sometimes in bed I'd suddenly get creeped out or triggered, and I'd have to call a halt.

My abuser died when I was in my 30's, which helped (not that I'd seen him for years). My ASishness and problems with motivation made me pretty depressed much of the time, but I think the abuse damage healed and stopped adding to the mix.

Michaela and pussycat your posts are incredibly helpful. They really put things into perspective, and considering what everyone has said I feel confident that my healing is done with regards to the abuse. I can ease up on the soul searching and analysing, which is exhausting, and focus my energies elsewhere.

Up until a few months ago I, my dh, family and friends, assumed I was 'broken' due to my abusive childhood and experiences with the 'Nasty Man'. We all thought with enough therapy I would be 'fixed'. I feel absolutely liberated to learn there is nothing actually wrong with me and I am not 'damaged goods'.

Thanks everyone for all your input, I really appreciate the time you have taken to post.

Yes, I used to soul search a lot. I was so focussed on avoiding stuff from the past, and yet thinking about it at the same time, that I forgot to look to the future for quite a while :)

I had a problematic relnship with DF, which is way I've been interested in AS from way back. As I differed quite a bit from the (then-male-orientated) profile, I thought I might have learned some AS behaviour. More recently, with the internet, and especially looking at Rudy Simone's list of female traits I self-diagnosed and sought assessment. I also started to tell people if I was about to get overstressed, and explain that I was fairly face-blind, something NTs seem to find particularly hard to understand, yet which has a huge impact on one's ability to socialise.

Hi OP, I just want to say that I think it's normal for someone who has ASC to be exhausted and not want more touch if you have a child climbing on you all day. Just like you might not want to listen to loud music if you have been in a noisy environment all day.
It is a common thing to be overwhelmed by too much touch/noise etc.

Hi Yoni, thanks for reading and taking the time to post. It means a lot [ smile]

Putthe - my DH is on the spectrum (not formally diagnosed but just way too many AS traits for it not to be AS). He is very tactile and loves to be cuddled, in fact he gets very depressed without lots of physical contact.

He also has always expressed a preference for me laying on him to hug him (fully clothed - nothing kinky!) and recently, after I read about weighted blankets for people with ASD, we discovered that doing this actually dialled down his other senses! Normally he gets a bit 'wiggy' if the children make too much noise but when I laid on him he coped with 4 children squealing and running around. As soon as we stopped, he started 'wigging out' and he said he noticed sounds, sights, etc more vividly when I wasn't weighing him down!

On the feathery touches - I HATE being touched like that as it makes me want to tear my skin off and run away screaming (I also dislike prolonged 'flutter suckling' during bfing when they are drifting off to sleep or fiddling with my skin ). I definitely don't have ASD (have OCD though), I can tickle myself and I have yet to find a single spot on my body that isn't ticklish. In fact I can be tickled by remote as I can be 'tickled' if somone DH wriggles his nose. I also yawn on command (I just yawned thinking about yawning) or even if I think someone may yawn

I hope that helps give some insight in some small way.