Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get him out?

45 replies

Sindarella · 23/10/2013 18:51

Very long story, i'll keep it as short as possible.

P is an alcoholic, 3 years ago he sought help and went on a detox program. Since then he has relapsed over an over.
He has worked on an off but never held a job for more than a few months at a time.
When he drinks he becomes an absolute idiot. There are too many things to mention, wetting the bed, saying awful things to me etc Never 'full on' violence, there have been pushes, getting in my face, threats. Throwing things at me while holding our baby, covering me in baby milk. That kind of thing.

I kicked him out last september, changed the locks, he was gone 6 weeks, then i found out i was pregnant and stupidly took him back.
I have told him to leave, i cant do it anymore, hes bad for me and worse for my children.

My problem is this, he has no job, money, friends or family. He has no where to go so wont leave off his own back. I cannot physically remove him, the police wont do anything as its a civil matter.
He doesnt leave the house, so i cant just lock him out.

How do i get him out? Any ideas?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2013 18:58

I would employ legal means to get him out of the home and I would seek legal advice asap from your local solicitors. Womens Aid could also help you here re this process.

Whose name is the property in, is it in joint names?.

Original poster
Sindarella · 23/10/2013 19:08

Its private rented in my name, i've looked around but all the solitons seem so expensive.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 23/10/2013 19:11

Sure if the rental agreement is in your name and you are not married, he can be removed legally. It is your flat. Does he NEVER leave the house?

Sparklysilversequins · 23/10/2013 19:13

Well legally, you can dump him and his belongings on the street and if I were you I would.

I managed to get out of a secure joint tenancy flat. It was bloody hard but I did it. He helped me though by attacking me. Is he violent towards you?

LineRunner · 23/10/2013 19:18

He must leave your house some time?

And pushing and throwing things at you is domestic abuse.

Original poster
Sindarella · 23/10/2013 19:22

I know he has no rights to the house, its just the actually getting him out bit thats the problem.

He only leaves the house if i am out, to go to the shop which is on the corner, 6 houses down, to replenish his alcohol supplies.

I spent an hour locked out today with
19 week old ds2, i got a neighbour to break in for me, P was passed out in the spare room, drunk. Hes still there.

Last time i threatened to chuck his stuff out he smashed the bathroom door down, took my phone and wouldn't let me out of the house. Hes not actually put his hands on me, i have considered pushing him to hitting me just so the police will remove him.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 23/10/2013 19:29

I would call 101 and ask for advice. Tell them how he removes your phone and smashes the house up, that the relationship is over and he will not leave despite having no legal rights to be there.

Vivacia · 23/10/2013 19:33

I'm sure there must be a more subtle, calmer way of dealing with this legally but I'd be tempted to lull him in to a sense of security and plan and prepare to lock him out the next time he leaves the house (no matter how short his absence). Secure the house, text him and pack his bags. Call the police if necessary.

LineRunner · 23/10/2013 19:36

He clearly needs to leave the house to buy alcohol.

If you sit tight, he'll have to leave eventually, to go to the shop. You lock him out and call the Police on 999 if and when he starts banging on the door. When they arrive, have his bags packed and place them outside for him in their presence.

Change the locks. Report him. Keep calling the Police.

I know it's easier said than done but you do need the Police's domestic abuse unit involved in this.

Original poster
Sindarella · 23/10/2013 19:44

I think i'm going to have to lock him out, if he ever does venture out when i'm here. I can't sit at home waiting though, school run an general day to day things. Maybe then if he does start the police will do something.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/10/2013 19:46

Sindarella, how often does he have to go to the shop for alcohol? Every day? Does he understand that you won't buy it for him?

You can plan ahead for this.

Original poster
Sindarella · 23/10/2013 19:50

To be honest i really dont know, he stashes it around the house/garden. Ive found it buried in the soil, hidden in the toilet cistern before now.

I never buy him any, i went to an aquarius meeting a couple of years ago, they taught me i was enabling him so have point blank refused, even when hes been fitting from lack of alcohol in his body. ??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sindarella · 23/10/2013 19:53

Should i give him a deadline, and let him know if hes not gone then i will phone the police ( he would have no idea they cant actually do anything )

OP posts:
Vivacia · 23/10/2013 19:59

Should i give him a deadline, and let him know if hes not gone then i will phone the police

No. Get proper advice about your rights.

LineRunner · 23/10/2013 19:59

Well this is what I would do, if the Police really aren't interested. (And please do call them again and ask for the domestic abuse unit.)

Do not buy him alcohol. Watch very carefully for when he is running out and realises that he has to go to the shop. Be home, even if this means you have to keep a DC off 'sick' that day - I would make the judgement if this were me that this is by far and away in my DC's best interests.

When he goes to the shop, lock the door behind him. (You can do this, yes? We have a bolt. Tbh in a situation like this I'd use a nail gun on the door if I had to.)

Call Police, bags packed.

Original poster
Sindarella · 23/10/2013 20:25

I can lock him out, i didn't give him a key when i changed the locks before. But i really wouldn't know when he was running out, i know his usual hiding places, inside mattresses, cooker hood, inside shoes etc but he has somewhere new that i cant find, an i've looked everywhere.

I am on very good terms with his family, he rarely speaks to them, his sister is my best friend an has been my rock through all of this. Would it be worth involving them, ie ask him to pop down for something then i can lock the doors while they tell him hes not to come back?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/10/2013 20:31

I would involve other people to help if they're willing. Even if it's to carry him out the house when he's passed out and put on a bench somewhere.

LineRunner · 23/10/2013 20:33

Ah, when you said in your OP he had no family I was taking that literally.

If he has family, yes get them involved in any way you can if they will help you and the children.

He is an alcoholic lodger who is scaring you. Do what you need. And please involve the Police.

Vivacia · 23/10/2013 20:38

No, I wouldn't get in between him and his sister.

Original poster
Sindarella · 23/10/2013 20:41

He has his mom, dad and sister, they have had years of his behavior so have, in his dm words, washed their hands of him. I know they would help if i asked them, i feel bad making a bigger rift between them.

I think thats what i will do, i am seeing his sister tomorrow so will discuss it then.

I've finally come to the point where i no longer care for him, or want to save the relationship, i used to feel guilty that he'd have no where to go. Not anymore! Thank you everyone, for talking it over with me, i'll update soon Smile

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/10/2013 20:45

You know, alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they will even think about changing their lives.

Don't feel guilty. Do what's right for your DCs and yourself.

LineRunner · 23/10/2013 21:06

May I also just say that tonight we are all missing the very good advice of AnyFucker.

Vivacia · 23/10/2013 21:14

I think confiding in a trusted friend (even if it's his sister) is a good idea. I don't understand why you're not getting advice from experts though. Somebody advised you ringing 101 and asking for the domestic abuse unit.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 23/10/2013 21:14

Last time i threatened to chuck his stuff out he smashed the bathroom door down, took my phone and wouldn't let me out of the house.

Call 101 for advice. In my book this is threat of violence and imprisonment. Ask to speak to their domestic violence team. I would report these incidents at the very least.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 23/10/2013 21:15

X-post. You need RL support.