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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he controlling or am I being selfish?

30 replies

younglove · 22/10/2013 22:04

Reading a similarly-themed thread has prompted me to be brave and write this one!...I have been single for several years (apart from a few short flings) but started a relationship with a man about 8 months ago. He initiates sex probably more than I do but sometimes when I've initiated it, he doesn't seem that interested (fair enough - don't expect men to be 'up for it' on a non-stop basis!) I find masturbating at night gets me to sleep and so if he's gone straight to sleep/I'm wide awake, I've done this a few times whilst in bed together. A couple of times he has commented in the morning and said he thinks it's really inappropriate and wrong. He says that if he was doing that in the bed next to me, I'd be horrified (not sure I would to be honest but don't think that's the point). I haven't said this to him but don't find sex with him very exciting and find myself having to use my imagination a lot to derive satisfaction.

Anyhow, is it wrong that I have done this - albeit when I thought he was fast asleep, very quietly, and 'discreetly'? His problem is not that he wants to have been involved but simply that I'm doing it in the same room as him. BTW, he has told me that he often does this in the loo before bed/first thing in the morning, and I know that these occasions have not been when I've rejected him/necessarily been asleep. I'm not young (36 years old) but suppose I'm not that experienced in long-term relationships so want to know if I'm crossing boundaries or is he being out of order?

OP posts:

frustratedashell · 22/10/2013 22:14

I don't think I would like it if my partner did this. But that's my personal opinion. It's not "wrong" I think it's down to how the 2 people involved feel

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2013 22:16

He's clearly uncomfortable with women who take charge sexually. Doesn't like you to initiate sex. Not comfortable with you masturbating (although how he knows when he's asleep is unclear). Sex with him is unstimulating - suggests laziness or selfish technique. I may be wrong but I sense a theme... If you've only been seeing him a few months I wouldn't stick around worrying about boundaries. Move onto someone more interesting and less repressed.

howmuchwouldyoutake · 22/10/2013 22:18

I wouldn't like it really - it would make me feel awkward.

whitesugar · 22/10/2013 22:20

I can't speak for you or your DH but in my experience it is perfectly normal for someone to masturbate when their partner doesn't feel horny. In relationships I have been in it was the norm for either one of us to masturbate whilst the other person caressed and encouraged you to come. I view this act as extremely loving as there are times when you are too knackered to actually do the deed but you care enough about your partner to make them climax. I see having penetrative sex and masturbating as mutually satisfying when you are in a loving relationship. I would have been hurt if someone insinuated that this was not nice behaviour.

AnnieLobeseder · 22/10/2013 22:22

You two don't sound very compatible, sexually. How is the rest of the relationshipo?

MiniTheMinx · 22/10/2013 22:22

He sounds selfish, lazy and like he has hang ups.

ALittleStranger · 22/10/2013 22:22

I've never had a partner do this and I'm trying to work out how I'd feel...

I suspect he's clocked that you don't really enjoy sex with him, so that combined with this is probably making him feel a bit crap and rejected.

ithaka · 22/10/2013 22:25

I haven't said this to him but don't find sex with him very exciting and find myself having to use my imagination a lot to derive satisfaction.

I would dump him for this reason, alone. Why put up with shit sex?

thestauntonlick · 22/10/2013 22:25

It used to annoy me when exp did this, not because I thought it was wrong, but because the movement used to wake me up!

Bogeyface · 22/10/2013 22:27

Ten years into a marriage Iwould have lots of suggestions. 8 months into dating? Just the one.

Chuck him back and find one that rings your bell and doesnt try to stop you ringing your own!

Original poster

younglove · 22/10/2013 22:34

I love the way you put that, Bogeyface!
Annie - the rest of the relationship is, I would say, 'rocky'. In many ways, he is easy going and good company. On occasions, though, if we get into an argument, he gets very personal with me and shouts. It's as if he's been storing up all this anger and annoyance and it all comes out during an argument. The thing is, though, I think I'm not an easy person to get on with - he calls me controlling, bossy, false with other people etc. But, like I say, when it's good, we get on well!

Sorry, don't think I've been very clear, though. I am talking about when I actually think he's asleep ie late at night, if I can't sleep, and he is dead still and I am sure he's asleep (I must wake him up!!)

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 22/10/2013 22:35

Its quite normal, especially in a relationship where one isn't in the mood, tired etc. I think it is fine in a loving relationship and can't think why somebody should object.

Bogeyface · 22/10/2013 22:38

Blimey the more you say the worse it sounds. After 8 months you should not be having shouting rows that descend into personal insults.

So far he thinks you are controlling, bossy, false with people and shouldnt do anything that he doesnt like.

What a charmer. Dump this one in no uncertain terms and if he strops tell him "Its not me, its you." :o

Coolforcatz · 22/10/2013 22:42

Not out of order at all, he sounds like a muppet.

Leverette · 22/10/2013 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2013 22:45

He calls you controlling, bossy, rebuffs your sexual advances and thinks it's OK to take out his frustrations on you in arguments? Please kick this one to the kerb OP. More red flags than a May Day Parade.

runningonwillpower · 22/10/2013 22:49

As far as I can see you guys have reduced this to an etiquette thing. Is that right?

It's not the masturbation as such, it's the breach of personal space? Like snoring or coughing with your mouth open.

Wow. Part of me thinks you are a match made in heaven if only you could sort it out.

The other part thinks, you are doomed as a couple.

whitesugar · 22/10/2013 22:50

Eight months in and he shouts at you - that is not good. The early days are supposed to be the honeymoon period when you are on your best behaviour. Imagine what it will be like when the honeymoon period is over. You are worth so much more. Leave him and focus on loving yourself in order to allow you to meet someone who deserves you. Good luck.

caramelwaffle · 22/10/2013 22:52

Eight months?

End the relationship and join up with someone who will ring your bell for the next 10/20/30 years at least.

CuChullain · 23/10/2013 10:31

Sounds like you have made your mind up already and are looking for validation of that decision.

I can only echo what others have said, it does not sound like you are particularly well suited and I would view his trading of personal insults and shouting when you have disagreements as a bit of a red flag. That would only get worse over time not better.

With regards to the masturbation, I can’t see a problem myself, all part of a healthy relationship, so long as you don’t scream the house down while they try and sleep! If he still has hang ups over such things at this stage in his life he is unlikely to change.

Original poster

younglove · 23/10/2013 10:33

Thanks so much, folks. So interesting to hear peoples views and so helpful to make up my mind once and for all x

OP posts:

wannaBe · 23/10/2013 10:40

I've seen threads on here from people who have realised their partners are masturbating in bed next to them and that has always been considered to be wrong/inappropriate/disrespectful. Personally I wouldn't like it if a partner did this, masturbate by all means but not in my bed next to me.

But I do think you sound fairly incompatible so personally I would be reviewing the relationship anyway tbh.

Jan45 · 23/10/2013 13:08

Can't believe it's 8 months and you're in this situation - you don't sound compatable in any way, not just sexually.

PS: the masturbating whilst he's sleeping is a bit off, would be nicer and less embarrassing if you took yourself off to the bathroom.

cjel · 23/10/2013 13:20

I think you are not being very nice doing this with him so close.
But I also think that your relationship isn't healthyx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2013 13:51

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would also ask what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

It reads as being completely unhealthy. Honestly, the two of you would be far better off apart now particularly as you describe the rest of your relationship as "rocky" only 8 months in.

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