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Relationships

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Original poster

How often do you have sex with your partner?

64 replies

Ilikeyoursleeves · 22/10/2013 20:16

Just wondering what is 'average' if that exists? My DH went on a bit of a rant last night through his frustrations that we don't have enough sex. We do it about once a week, if even, sometimes it might just be two or three times a month. We have three kids and the baby is only just settling at night now so that's been a big factor for me but I don't think my libido is as high as his. It's not like he wants it every night but he said he thinks within a marriage it's not unreasonable to have sex 2-3 times a week. He's mentioned this before and has always accepted I'm knackered but last night he started to get quite angry about it and said he feels like a pervert when he makes advances to me and I turn him down. I can see his point so I said I will make more of an effort but he thinks sex shouldn't have to be an effort. But I also don't want to feel I have to do it now when I don't want to!

Any advice or help?! Thanks.

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 22/10/2013 20:20

We don't even have kids yet but only manage once a week. We probably need to up it when we TTC :)

carlywurly · 22/10/2013 20:23

There is no bigger passion killer than being nagged. Dp never pressures me and we probably average 3 times a week. Xh nagged so it was more like once a month.

I think once a week with a baby is pretty good going actually

ipswichwitch · 22/10/2013 20:29

Before DC - every night just about. Then after the early few months with DS we settled at about 3 times a week. Now I'm 32 weeks with DC2, bloody enormous and short of breath about once a week. Feel a bit crap for DH but he doesn't mind at all. It's a l

ipswichwitch · 22/10/2013 20:30

chattychattyboomba · 22/10/2013 20:30

OP, this is such a familiar story. If it means anything, you are not alone. It's a bit of a vicious cycle when it gets to the point that you have different ideas of what are normal, realistic expectations. Fwiw DH and I have been through therapy about this. Ours is like yours (I think normal)... But he wants it more, and wants me to show more enthusiasm. But yeah the mojo is not always there from my perspective. I feel for him though as how awful would that feel? Being not quite as irresistible to someone you find totally desirable. Anyway right now the pressure is off as I am pregnant and have horrific vomiting, but it's a work in progress. I blame porn and men being all macho and bragging and competing amongst each other...some of the stories DH comes back with after a night with the guys ('Stuart's wife like it when he talks dirty') etc....eugh! Tmi! But they seem to feed off it.

ipswichwitch · 22/10/2013 20:31

Bloody crappy iPhone and swollen fingers

MuffCakes · 22/10/2013 20:42

My last dp I lived with we DTD most nights if not twice. one before I lived with about 4/5 times a week and the one before that about 4/5 again.

ouryve · 22/10/2013 20:44

I can only get in the mood when all my hormones are in alignment. So less often than you, OP.

sebsmummy1 · 22/10/2013 20:49

We are trying to conceive so currently every night, some days twice, but when we are just having sex for the horn, couple of times a week. OH hasn't got a strong sex drive and mine is medium, so we are both happy.

AcidNails · 22/10/2013 20:54

Depends how often we see each other really, and how much we're both home.

If we see each other enough then most days, sometimes a few times a day. If DH's health is poor, or we only see each other at weekend then a couple of times a week.

But we have no kids.

GrandpaInMyMicrowave · 22/10/2013 20:56

It's not the amount of sex that is ever a problem. The problem is mismatched libidos. It seems fairly typical and more predominantly the man who wants sex more, which is fairly understandable after children.
For a woman in this situation, the pressure is completely counterproductive. I would sensitively make your husband aware of this before things get out of hand.
Writing from a man's perspective I know how undermining it is when the person you desire so much doesn't desire you back as strongly. An earlier poster put it far better than I did and I wish I could be sure my wife was as understanding.
I also admit to having felt a sense of entitlement about sex (which I now see as wrong). I don't know if it is typical. It led me build up some resentment towards DW which is obviously not ideal.
I just want to make you aware of some of the issues.
I think it's worth talking openly and honestly about where you see your sex life in the longer term. Don't fall into the trap of saying what the other person wants to hear, otherwise you'll be back talking about the issue before long. Agree strategies for coping with mismatched libidos, identify steps which could help you get in the mood. Finally, make sure you reassure your husband about how you feel towards him. Make him feel attractive by telling him.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 22/10/2013 20:58

Around 4-5 times a week, sometimes less if DP has had to work long hours or overtime and is knackered

SingingSands · 22/10/2013 20:59

Sometimes 2/3 times a week. Sometimes twice a month. It's been a month since we last did it because I've been bloody knackered, working away from home and lots of work and social engagements recently.

My DH moans as well but I ignore him. I'm not having sex just because its my marital duty, I tried that, it was rubbish, I fell asleep on the job. I also have to listen about his mates doing it 4 times a night or whatever...

For us, things are better when our lives are not hectic, or we're on holiday. Or the kids are at grandma's house!

FriendlyElephant · 22/10/2013 21:02

About once a fortnite.

TeaAddict235 · 22/10/2013 21:03

Hey op, i'm 24 weeks and we currently do it about 1 a month, because Dh doesn't like the idea of the baby being there. Before TTC, it was 2 a week, but I definitely have a higher drive than Dh. I used to moan that 2 a week was to few actually, but being pregnant has put me off. Complex.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 22/10/2013 21:04

I don't live with D.P. We see each other Wed and he stays over Fri so we D.T.D Wed, Fri and Sat and if we can we fit it in on other days for example my D.D went out shopping with her friend so I text him to come over and we D.T.D on Sunday afternoon. xx

TheGinLushMinion · 22/10/2013 21:05

It varies, sometimes a few times a week-sometimes a few times a month.

OP your problem really is a common one as has already been said-there is no such thing as normal when it comes to sex just whatever works for each couple.

ilovepowerhoop · 22/10/2013 21:10

we tend to be once a week or sometimes once a fortnight

headoverheels · 22/10/2013 21:11

OP, if the part that is causing problems is him feeling rejected when you're not up for it, you could try agreeing that you are the one who initiates for a while? That way at least he knows you're really keen and not just saying yes to keep him happy!

McButtonwillow · 22/10/2013 21:16

We average once a week too and it's a big issue between us. I just don't want it as often as dh, we've tried discussing it but seem to get nowhere, he says he understands but I know when he is getting frustrated, he becomes quite moody and distant and then I feel pressured and resentful.

Sorry not much help to you, but you're definitely not alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2013 21:18

What other people do or don't do is irrelevant. Your DH should not be getting angry, complaining and trying pressurise or guilt-trip you into doing anything you don't want to. That's called 'bullying' and it's appalling behaviour.

Tell him that being shouted at is NOT a turn-on.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 22/10/2013 21:21

Just like to say O.P. It's not a competition. We're all different and some people just don't like sex and if that works for them then fine. There's no normal or abnormal. xx

alikat724 · 22/10/2013 21:23

Once a week if we're lucky, usually at the weekend when we're not exhausted and actually have the time, and we've only got our 2yo DD and my DH's teenage son with us 50% of the time. If we had 3 kids as you do OP we'd prob never get around to it! We know we're not having sex enough for either of us, we'd both like more, used to be 2-3 times a night and a dozen times over a (non-DSS) weekend before DD, oh those were the days... OP your issue is perfectly normal, just talk about it and as another poster says make sure your DP knows he's still the hottest man on the planet to you.

WearingAnUmbrellaHat · 22/10/2013 22:06

Anything up to 5 times per week but we have only been together about 5 months. With my ex-husband who I was with 7 years, it was variable. Could be 2 times one week then nothing for a week or two depending on tiredness. This was after being together 3-4 years and after DS.

shrunkenhead · 22/10/2013 23:16

Tried once after having dd, hurt so not bothered since, so I'd say never but I'll not really bothered and neither is oh so suits us fine.

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