interfering mil

[Kayshields]

Hi, I live with my partner and our six week old daughter, and my partners mother is driving me nuts. Basically she shows up at our house out of the blue whenever she wants without asking or calling first, she's done it every week since the baby was born, I wouldn't mind but we visit her twice a week for dinner already and considering we don't have a car I think thats pretty good. Well the other day my partner had a word with her and asked her to phone before she just turned up, well... she ran up the stairs crying, and wouldn't come down for half an hour and when she finally did she told us to piss off, so we left. We then were invited round for dinner (a trap) two days later and she shouted at me saying no she won't call before she comes round as why should she make an appointment to see her son and grandchild, I stood my ground for as long as I could but the argument went round in circles and her husband ended it, she then said to me im pulling the family apart and I should be visiting other family members more regularly, my partner has two days of work a week and im sorry but we like to spend some time together, im starting to resent her, am I overreacting?

No. I like how your husband tells her and you cop it! Bloody typical. He's going to have to tell her to pack that in.

Hell no. Even if she wanted more contact, she really didn't have to go about it so unpleasantly. And I'm always wary of people who react to a reasonable request with drama and shouting and accusations about things like 'pulling the family apart'.

You visit who you want when you want, and there is no need for your MIL to be organising your social contact with other family members (in fact, avoid this). You have visitors when you want too, and no one should have visits forced on them, with or without notice.

Perhaps leave the dust to settle (no dinners with her for the mo) then get your DH to tell her she has been very rude, reiterate that you want her to ring first and won't be increasing the visits. Presumably you've got family and friends you'd like to see too? And with a new baby, just lounging about feeding and sleeping is incredibly precious too.

Erm no, you're definitely not overracting! She sounds horrendous. I wouldn't be going round there or letting her in my house until she apologises to you. Will dh back you up again? Has she got a key?

The only one overreacting is the one hurling verbal abuse, sulking and flouncing off in tears like a big girl's blouse.... She's a bully.

I'd suggest that you and your DP hold firm on this, don't engage in more arguments, be consistent, ignore the emotional blackmail and stand up to the bully. And use those two days a week to have some nice time to yourself.

She doesn't have a key no, but I didn't realise how crazy she was until the baby was born, my partner would back me up until a certain point but she just doesn't stop, its got to the point now were I feel like leaving the house all day just in case she does knock, it really pisses me off why she won't even respect a simple call to let us know she's turning up, I feel like if I try to stand my ground anymore there will be HUGE drama that she'll make me look like the baddy for :s and yes it would be nice to see my family too

Could you slope off to your mum's or a friend's for visits for the next few days? Don't tell MIL where you're going, either.

Does she only come round when your DH is there?

Don't let her past your threshold if she turns up again. Leave her to stand on the door-stop, pushing the doorbell repeatedly, peering through windows while you all lie flat on the floor in silence

Honestly though OP, tell her to get a frigging life. Or even better, get your OH to do it. His mother, his problems. I'm sure he doesn't have to put up with shit from your mum, nor would you let him.

Stand your ground - she needs to realise throwing a strop won't get her anywhere. Good luck

You're really not obliged to open the door to her. She doesn't get to dictate when she invades your personal space - you get to choose when you invite her into it.

You should get a sprinkler.

Stop opening the door, even if she 'knows' (thinks) you're there.

Lol a sprinkler sounds good :) and no she turns up when im alone too, I think I might just ignore the bell but my partner works nights so he's here during the day but he's sleeping and I know he would let her in just to avoid the drama, im disappearing to my mums this Thursday lol but im not telling her, seriously need to rant

Can you get yourself signed up to some baby groups? Baby massage, breastfeeding group if you are?

I joined the library (You can join up babies) and spent a lot of time visiting the library. Or even just go to a cafe and treat yourself to a nice meal while your DP is sleeping.

YANBU, She sounds like a loon.

We had some trouble with my DH's mom crazy MIL and she used the "i bet im on the only grandparent who has to make an appoitment to see her granddaughter"

I posted for help and now everything has changed for the better.

She is Toxic. She is not normal.

Do not argue back, it will make no difference, she will never listen she will allways be the victim no matter what you do.
Twice a week visits is a hell of a lot more than some people do, she is very lucky!
If you stand upto her she will most likely get an illness, usually depression or heart trouble.

Your DH needs to stand up to her and back you all the way.
We cut MIL off 2ish weeks ago as we are sick of going in circles. Good luck! You will get some fabulous advice on here :)

as a mil.. i think yabu..and before i get slated just want to give over a view as as a mil

i have a really bad relationship with my mil
and that has shaped me today

my mil never visited her son, her grandkids..only time she could be arsed when there was a party going on for the booze

maybe your mil has had the same with her mil and is trying to make an EFFORT..
she is handling it badly i agree..by flouncing off
but
it is very hard when your grandchild lives with the other inlaws..
you feel pushed out, not inclusive in the childs life as much and it does hurt but it cant be helped..she does need to come to terms with this fact but it is still ..not a jealousy..you just feel that you arentvas involved as you would like to be...and by involved i dont mean interferring but by seeing first smile, first steps etc
just try to see things from a different perspective before judging this woman as toxic
invite her round for a lil chat and allay fears you BOTH may have for the future
good luck xxx

Thanks but just to put clear I don't live with my family it is just me my partner and our daughter

oh srry kay..misread hun..
but seriously with the way my mil treated us i never want to be seen as an inteferring, neglectful cant be arsed mil or nanny..
you could approach it tactfully by saying things like

ooh could you msg beforehand as we arecgonna have a lazy day,bdinner, housework etc
that kind of thing if you get my drift..

worse thing about being a mil sometimes is that you dont want to interfere at all..but feel like you are imposing sometimes

i am very fortunate because i have explained all this to all my kids and their husbands and wives etc..to clear any misconceptions before they start

i have a good relationship with them all..infact they take the piss ouutta me..and guess what i love it..

but experiences shape ppl..wouldnt suprise me if this is why mil got upset iykwim xxx

It is pefectly reasonable to ask someone to give you a phone call before they pop in, especially with small babies. You need space to have sleeps, baths etc at odd times of the day. It is not asking them to go away (like you would have to do if they turn up at the wrong moment).

Phone calls are cheap and available these days.

Stick to your guns and ignore the flouncing etc. Carry on as before (as much as is possible) until she comes round. Don't engage in the arguments, just say that you need to know if she is intending to come round, and that is not unreasonable.

Agree with the above poster in that she could be overcompensating for her own bad experience. My own mother was bluddy useless and it was not until I talked to someone else who said her MIL did nothing because she did not want to interfere, that it dawned on me that my mother was trying not to be the interfering despot that her mother had been. I think she was waiting to be asked and then did not know how to go about it when asked. Unfortunately, my revelation came too late in the day.

When she has finished the flouncing and histrionics, invite her round for a talk about what she is expecting and what you are expecting and see if you can reach an understanding.

Keyshields. Oh god I feel for you. What a nightmare and a total invasion of previcy and respect. And her reaction to your request is scary and toxic. I would not put up with that. I have similar concerns. I am worried that my MIL will be the same. My DH and I have already discussed this and his already told his mother she can't just turn up and she needs to respect our (my DH, DD and I) family bonding time. She wasn't happy but she knows were we stand. DD is due end Dec/start Jan. Stand your ground Op. Also, have you considered disconnecting your doorbell temporarily?

DOORMAT yes that's the whole reason this came up is because my partner asked her to call before she just turns up next time and she flipped, completely unreasonably imo. We could disconnect the doorbell but we live in an upstairs flat so would probably miss everything.

Ahh so the doorbell idea is out of the question.. Mumm, I really do feel for you.

Stop going round for dinner - I fell into that trap and couldn't get away for years. Keep a coat by the door, and if you do answer and she's on the step tell her you're going out, and go! The library sounds like a good place!

likevi said and another poster replied
arrange for a lil chat and make it clear for both of you for the future

plz dont think i am not understanding because i am
i despise my mil that much i would gladly run her over in street and feel no remorse
i have even told her that

i know what a pita a mil can be..trust me i could give you stories that would make your hair fall out

but as a mil myself i see things from a different perspective also x

OP - I would suggest you do a couple of things, firstly, stop being available without her calling first. So find a reason to leave the house every day - this actually will be great for you as well, find baby groups (most churches run one, check each in your area - you might be able to do one a day) or sign up for baby massage classes, baby sensory classes, sing and sign etc, for free ones, there's normally 'stay and play' sessions at sure start centres (sometimes with a very little baby, just going to the weighing clinic and having a coffee and a chat with other mums while you are there is good), most libraries will do a 'baby bounce and rhyme' session, and arrange coffee meet ups with your antenatel classes (start offering to host everyone, suddenly you'll find others taking it in turns).

This way you'll not be in a lot of the time if she just knocks. If she turns up when you are in, lie that you have plans "oh sorry MIL, you can't come in, I'm about to go out/expecting some friends round shortly, this is why I wanted you to call first to I could make sure it worked for us."

Being out a lot is also good because she'll wake your DP. A couple of times of getting him out of bed and being told she's woken him up when he was sleeping after a night shift might mean he's holding the line that she has to call you to check you are in first. It's his mother and he needs to deal with it. Make it as much his problem as yours.

Basically remember, she's decided that she is the most important person in yours and your DC's lives. That she expects you to just be waiting at home for her to grace you with her presences and all other things you might want/need to do with your time are less important than seeing her. By refusing to agree to call first or "make an appointment to see her son or grandson" she's expecting that you will be happy to see her (as if now!) and will never have anything else to do. She needs a few wasted journeys.