interfering mil

[Kayshields]

Hi, I live with my partner and our six week old daughter, and my partners mother is driving me nuts. Basically she shows up at our house out of the blue whenever she wants without asking or calling first, she's done it every week since the baby was born, I wouldn't mind but we visit her twice a week for dinner already and considering we don't have a car I think thats pretty good. Well the other day my partner had a word with her and asked her to phone before she just turned up, well... she ran up the stairs crying, and wouldn't come down for half an hour and when she finally did she told us to piss off, so we left. We then were invited round for dinner (a trap) two days later and she shouted at me saying no she won't call before she comes round as why should she make an appointment to see her son and grandchild, I stood my ground for as long as I could but the argument went round in circles and her husband ended it, she then said to me im pulling the family apart and I should be visiting other family members more regularly, my partner has two days of work a week and im sorry but we like to spend some time together, im starting to resent her, am I overreacting?

"ooh could you msg beforehand as we arecgonna have a lazy day,bdinner, housework etc"

the OP already said they have asked her to phone before she comes and she reacted like a loon, so I doubt a 'could you message beforehabd?' is going to work somehow.

Doormat I can see where you are coming from but Ops DH has already told MIL but she hasn't listened and reacted in a very distructive way. I don't think it's Ops responsibility to be pussy footing around her interfering slightly unhinged by the sounds of it MIL. They told her, she didn't listen, she needs to deal with the consequences.

Just go out and let your dp deal wiht it.He will lose the head if sh wakes hiim up once too often.And stop going around for dinner.Twice a week is too much if u dont enjoy it

Erm, your house and she just comes over any time she likes, refusing to call first? noooo way!

It sounds to me like she might just accept thigns without too much trouble, but mroe likely she's going to get pretty nasty now. Having tried to put your foot down once - well actually it was your husband who tried to put his foot down but you got blamed, if i understand right? - you will now be in the bad books for a long time.

From what you say you´re going to have big drama coming from her if you try to enforce any boundaries at all. Which is absolutely necessary for your sanity and your family's sanity. What you are asking for is reasonable, sensible and normal. But I think you're going to have to prepare yourself for either a battle, or to be steamrollered.

Assuming you choose to fight for yoru buondaries (the only sane option really) most of all you and your husband need to talk this over and to decide how to handle it together. If there is the slightest disagreement, your mother in law will home in on it and try to magnify it. Then, once you have decided what you want from her eg, call round twice a week but ring first, then you absolutely must hold that line. Giving way will simply make her think she can do whatever she likes.

Secondly, sorry, but prepare to be made out to be the bad guy. Bad news, I know. Again, talk to your husband and keep on the same page here.

Does she try to tell you how to deal with and handle your baby? Sometimes advice can be useful but only when it's offerent in the right way.

Ugh, this thread has resonated with me. I hate unexpected visitors so much.

I'm in two minds about what Don'tmindifIdo is saying... On the one hand I don't feel like you should be pushed out of your own home on a daily basis just because some interfering boot might come to your door. Why shouldn't you be able to sit in front of the telly without being antsy? Plus if she turns up you can deal with her/

On the other hand, the image of her turning up to a locked empty house every day and winding herself up on your doorstep, looking through the letterbox, squinting her eyes with her hand shielding her eyes as she tries to get a look in through your windows... well, I'm sure it would be very satisfying. However I don't think it would change much, you'd probably get the same barrage of rubbish from her unless you faced her and laid down the law.

doormat You sound so lovely, your family are lucky to have someone they get along with so well.

However just because the OP's MIL may be the polar opposite to your MIL, who from what you said, is a distant alcoholic who doesn't care about their grandchildren, that doesn't mean that the OP has to put up with interference to this degree. The opposite isn't necessarily better. Why should anyone put up with ANY extreme behaviour? How about the MIL being a balanced, considerate person?

Creepy - see, this technique worked with my granted not batshit crazy like the OP's MIL, I tried asking her to call first. Then I got "oh, we were passing anyway" a lot. So I started being out. After each time, I gave her my winning smile and "oh, such a shame I wasn't expecting you, I wasn't doing anything I couldn't rearrange/do later/cancel." or "Oh what a shame, if you'd told me you were coming I'd have told you I was going to be out at that time and saved you a wasted journey, pity as we had nothing to do later/earlier that day and we could have arranged to see you if I'd known." It took nearly 10 missed visits before she started calling my mobile to say she was eg just leaving the shopping centre and could be passing near my house in half an hour, would I be in? I made a point of saying "oh I was about to walk to tescos, good thing you called, I'll wait and go later." (ie. you woud have missed me again if you hadn't called). It's been nearly 3 years since they last popped in without calling first. [htlgrin]

creepy i totally agree ..thats why i said i can see from a different perspective being a mil myself..
it needs resolving from all sides before it gets out of hand..if it cant so be it and dump her..
if she cant be considerate to her son, his dp and their home ..but some ppl get offended very easily...she may think she is being nice, making an effort etc without realising she is interferring...even when it is pointed out she is flouncing
a mil should show consideration, understanding and always there when needed...but until the matter is dealt with ..we can all come up with assumptions rightly or wrongly

btw how many of you think to yourself ..im never treating my kids, inlaws grandkids like that bitch of a mil lol...trust me it shapes you differently...bit of future advice lol wink xxx

Ugh, she sounds awful!

If it was me, I wouldnt want to have to leave the house for the day to avoid her. Just have your coats and nappy bag next to the door and when she turns up say you were just on your way out, and this is why you asked her to call ahead, to avoid situations like this!

Good luck with her. nothing worse then a a spurned but determined MIL!

For starters stop going around for dinner twice a week is too much. It gives her an upper hsnd, as if she's in charge. Stay at home and have a family dinner.

I don't agree with leaving the house to avoid her but as said the thought of her peering through the letterbox is appealing! I never let my MIL in if she turns up and I've been married nearly twenty years (you'd have thought she'd take a hint). I just tell her she isn't coming in, you have to stand your ground and start now as you mean to go on.

When I first had my DD, my MIL often used to pop in unexpectedly as well and it used to drive me mad, especially if I'd just got the baby down to sleep or was trying to have a sleep myself. Once she even showed up at 8am in the morning as she was 'just passing' and was shocked that I was still in bed! She actually let herself in on this occasion. This was the final straw for me and next time she showed up without ringing, I made her feel so unwelcome - wouldn't sit down, offer her a seat, cup of tea etc and just left her standing so she felt really uncomfortable. She eventually got the message, and stopped just calling in. Your MIL is being completely unreasonable and sounds like a total nightmare, throwing her dummy out of the pram because she is not getting her own way. Stick to your guns, its your house, your time and your baby and she must fit in with you, not the other way round! Good luck!

Your DP – not you – needs to tell her 'If you arrive without having let us know, we will not let you in. We will not be coming over for our usual visits until we know that you have understood and can abide by this.'

Then you need to stick to it and ignore her knocking/ringing.

I don't know what to suggest about the doorbell though. Get your DP some earplugs?

Nothing wrong with asking her to call asking if you're in!

However the arrival of a new baby seems to cause all sorts of tensions and marking of territory in a lot of families.

It's sad really as it should be such a joyful time. It's like everything in life really, it boils down to personalities. The old chestnut you married your partner not the MIL!

As a MIL and reading lots of horrendous situations on here, I have made sure I have a life of my own and do not depend on seeing my grown up children. I have some DIL's that are warmer than others. I don't take it personally...

I have one that keeps you on the doorstep even if you have called to drop something off that they have requested. No accounting for folk with bad manners.

I would advise all mothers of sons to start to get themselves in that mindset from your boys becoming teenagers, it will save you so much grief.
I do love to see my sons and their partners and do babysitting and childminding to cut down expense for them and the bonus is I get to see grandchildren! But I don't bank on it.

When she does come round is she any use - does she help with housework, mind the baby so you can nap etc? Or does she sit like lady muck wanting you to give her attention beyond what is normal?

Your baby is still tiny and I'm sure you're just getting the hang of feeding, sleeping, all the usual things. But as baby gets bigger and baby groups are more fun you'll be making new friends, doing activities etc and your MIL won't be able to just land in at your house whenever suits her.... she might well want to muscle in and come with you to all these groups... but that's another thread for another day.