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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh had an affair but still won't admit it

38 replies

blurredlines · 22/10/2013 08:10

All the signs were there, not coming home on certain nights, buying a new separate phone and going off sex. Things came to ahead when I finally managed to get hold of his phone and saw msg and nude pics ow had sent him. He won't admit it's physical he said it was emotional as he was feeling stressed and couldn't talk to anyone. We have been together over 9 years , marries over 15 months and recently had a miscarriage in August. We have 2 dd.
he left last week but came back yesterday and said he will sleep on the couch but it's his house too and he's not leaving.
He thinks I'm making more of it than what it is. He honestly thinks we can move on.

I hate him. After all the lies and the horrible behaviour towards me in the past two months (the affair has lasted two months as far as I know)

I need to get out but don't know how. I have no money of my own and want to try keep things as steady as possible for the girls.

He has destroyed my confidence and made me feel I have over dramatized everything . I have tried to contact the other women but she has completely blanked me.
I am going To view a house this afternoon but need £1000 to move in. I feel so trapped.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2013 08:17

Sorry you're in this situation. Suggest you stay put, keep telling him to leave, keep making his life uncomfortable and then go talk to a solicitor as a matter of urgency. Have you told any RL friends or family? You will need their support. Good luck

rainbowfeet · 22/10/2013 08:23

Sending you strength... I agree it shouldn't be you moving out... If it is space you need for a while & he is committed to saving the marriage then he should give you the space you need. As well the tools to build up trust... I know I'd be asking to check his phone & email/Facebook etc whenever I wanted to. Good luck. Thanks

Original poster
blurredlines · 22/10/2013 17:19

Went to view the house. They want £180 admin fees, £700 deposit and £595 upfront!!!
How can any single person on a low income move is beyond me !!
Spoke to local authority and there is nothing they can do. Feel so trapped Hmm

OP posts:
Pinupgirl · 22/10/2013 18:37

Tell him you want the money. Or empty the joint bank account. He will have to pay you maintenance for his dd's anyway so he may as well start now and if he wont leave then he has a duty to help you do so.

I feel for you op. I strongly suspect my dh cheated on me a few years ago. I don't think it was an affair-I think it was ons with his secretary. He admitted it once when he was drunk but then tried to backtrack and say it was a jokeHmm

I doubt I will ever get the truth out of him.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/10/2013 18:43

He's minimising isn't he? Saying you're over dramatising. What a bastard, just expecting you to move on. He should be giving you space, he caused this!

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2013 19:10

Is there enough money in your/his accounts? Do you share accounts?

I think the lying and gaslighting are worse than the shagging, tbh. I felt like I was going mad because of the lies; once I knew I felt OK (in that I could deal with it.)

Would your mum and dad help you?

Original poster
blurredlines · 22/10/2013 19:31

we don't have a joint account . My wages and tax credits pay 80% of bills and he pays the rest and then is meant to give me money for food etc. it's a shit arrangement that leaves me asking for money every other day. I definitely know he was there with her last sat night because when I found the texts I sent her one (pretending to be dh) saying I had a good time on sat night and she replied saying me too. She nearly came to our wedding as she was with one of his friends at the time.
Parents aren't in a position to help either. It's hopeless

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/10/2013 19:39

How much do you take home?

The reason I'm asking is I think in your position I wouldn't pay the bills for a month or two, save the money, pay the deposit then get out of there.

He can pay the bills when you've gone.

You have a VERY unfair financial agreement with him; it's ridiculous.

LineRunner · 23/10/2013 10:06

Are you able to do what Imperial suggests?

Sorry you're going through this crap, I really am. I've been through similar and it is important to have a plan, if you can't get him out. On that note, is the house in joint names?

LessMissAbs · 23/10/2013 10:20

You don't have any money of your own because you're subsidising him to the tune of 30% of your income!

If you own your house, don't move out but see a solicitor.

If you rent, give notice and put the bills in his name if you can. Do whatever it takes to move out. You will probably be financially better off too. You are working so you should be able to finance this sooner or later.

mammadiggingdeep · 23/10/2013 10:25

Could you ring tax credits and start claiming on your single wage?
I know technically he's in your house but you are saying its over so you're separated. Start claiming tax credits on just your wage which should increase what you get.

Then do what imperial suggested with the bills...that way in 2/ 3 or 4 months you'll have it.

Or.....make him leave!!!! Why should you uproot the children?? He really should be the one to go.

Know that that seems a long time but its a way out...

Wellwobbly · 23/10/2013 10:41

it's a shit arrangement that leaves me asking for money every other day.

  • change the arrangement. Stop paying the bills.

He changed the rules, you can too.

skyeskyeskye · 23/10/2013 11:17

First of all, today, contact your employer and Tax Credit Office. Give them the details of your own bank account and ask them to start paying into there. That will start to give you some financial independence, regardless of what happens. Make sure that the Child Benefit too is paid into there.

Go and get some legal advice and ask what happens next. Contact CSA and ask how much maintenance you would get, or look it up online.

If you are certain that it is over, then tell your husband that and tell him that he will have to move out at some point, so he might as well go now. Remind him that he has brought it all on himself by being unfaithful. Remind him that your girls need stability and a roof over their head, and that is why he needs to go and not you and them.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 23/10/2013 11:37

I agree, it's about time you changed the rules OP. He had the affair so you get to dictate how things happen now.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/10/2013 16:57

Hopefully you aren't doing this but in case you are, make sure you are not doing anything for him.
Cooking, washing, shopping. cleaning etc.....
You need to start thinking practically now as others have posted.
Go to CAB and find out what you can do and what you are entitled to.
Stop paying all the bills.
Tell him you have cancelled the payments and if he wants to stay in the house he will need to pay them all from now on.
Give him all the detaisl of your DD and tell him to set up his own.
It must be hell. I feel for you I really do.

Themanfrommanc · 23/10/2013 17:05

I can see some responses which are typically from females. Maybe he does have issues. He has clearly acted inappropriately. Would it help/make things better if he came clean? To err is human. Extreme stress over time can lead to people doing/saying and behaving in unusual ways.

christmasclean · 23/10/2013 23:34

If you are living as a single parent , split up with no financial help from him you should call tax credits

perfectstorm · 24/10/2013 02:03

Whenever a man uses the term "females" to refer to women, you know he's a misogynist. Handy, really.

OP sort the finances out and start divorce proceedings. You have ample grounds for an Unreasonable Behaviour petition. As part of the settlement, he'll have to move out if you are primary carer. And there's no reason to unsettle or dislodge your children just because their father is a worthless piece of cheating, cocklodging crap. Just remember you're worth a million of him - and if he's working, you'll be better off financially without him, too. The CSA will see to that.

So incredibly sorry he's seen fit not just to break your heart, but trample on it. People can behave so disgustingly to one another. You can certainly move on - without him! He doesn't get to decide that his cheating can just be swept under the carpet. Your call, not his!

CosmicDespotFuckingFucker · 24/10/2013 02:52

OP, could you go and see a solicitor asap? Many of them have free sessions, so you would have a better idea of how you stand financially. You do not have to put up with infidelity.

perfectstorm · 24/10/2013 22:07

How are you feeling today, OP?

PerpendicularVincentPrice · 24/10/2013 23:12

It sounds awful OP, you can't have a happy life living with a man who is carrying on his affair irrespective of your feelings. It also sends a message to your DDs that this is normal.

I echo the posters who say to claim tax credits on your wage only, and to stop paying the bills - this will make it easier to save to move. Could work give you a loan/advance on wages? Do you have friends or family who could lend you some money?

I'd start creating your new life now, let your husband carry on with what he's doing - he isn't worth your energy.

Original poster
blurredlines · 25/10/2013 09:58

He's still on the couch.
He agreed to find somewhere else, like a studio flat. His idea is to move out for six months on a trial to see how we get on. He said he won't come off the tenancy ( I believe I can't claim housing benefit with a joint tenancy ?) I know for a fact he won't pay for two rents so not sure why he said that.
My dad is due some money in November and has said he will help out if he can.
He still will not admit to sleeping with her and it's driving me mad. To top it all off I call his exp to explain why we can't have his ds aged 11 this weekend. I was angry and told her what's happened and she's told my dss everything !!! She can't understand why I've not told my girls . I've had to talk him and explain things happen in grown up relationships he's too young to understand. Feel a fool for telling her and terrified dss will tell our dd what's happened. It's a big mess.

OP posts:
Mrspebble · 25/10/2013 10:08

Could you get legal help here.. Or citizens advice. 11 is young for her to know he in's and out's.. But don't feel bad for telling her mother. You needed to talk to someone.

Sparklysilversequins · 25/10/2013 10:13

Yes you can claim housing benefit with a joint tenancy, I did.

What a fuckwit he sounds Angry.

Sparklysilversequins · 25/10/2013 10:19

He's hoping if he sticks it out long enough you'll STFU and stop going on about it and things can get back to "normal".

I'd chuck him out, joint tenancy or not. What's he going to do? Is he likely to get violent?

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