Dh had an affair but still won't admit it

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All the signs were there, not coming home on certain nights, buying a new separate phone and going off sex. Things came to ahead when I finally managed to get hold of his phone and saw msg and nude pics ow had sent him. He won't admit it's physical he said it was emotional as he was feeling stressed and couldn't talk to anyone. We have been together over 9 years , marries over 15 months and recently had a miscarriage in August. We have 2 dd.
he left last week but came back yesterday and said he will sleep on the couch but it's his house too and he's not leaving.
He thinks I'm making more of it than what it is. He honestly thinks we can move on.

I hate him. After all the lies and the horrible behaviour towards me in the past two months (the affair has lasted two months as far as I know)

I need to get out but don't know how. I have no money of my own and want to try keep things as steady as possible for the girls.

He has destroyed my confidence and made me feel I have over dramatized everything . I have tried to contact the other women but she has completely blanked me.
I am going To view a house this afternoon but need £1000 to move in. I feel so trapped.

Not violent as such but will start to tore things and kick doors and generally behave like an over grown toddler

Stand your ground... Let him behave like an overgrown baby but why should you suffer after what he did.

And at that point you call the police. Criminal damage in a HA or council property has a funny way of getting you kicked off the tenancy. Ask my ex.

I think some women are way too quick to rush to line the pockets of solicitors and then they sometimes regret it.

There is a lot of hurt and pressure.

You feel betrayed in some way..friends,even people in forums urge you to act..to strike back,to get revenge? You would be stupid if you let him off with it wouldnt you?

But let him off what?

We are not yet clear...

Perhaps the short term separation would be a good idea. It would take the heat out of the situation.

Solicitors love a good divorce,especially where there is money involved.

The law has no emotion. It is all about winning,losing and more importantly,making money along the way...

I think some men can't quite fathom why a woman would want to leave a man who:

1. Has had an affair and lied about it (OP is clear she thought that was the case before obtaining his phone and finding messages and nude photos of the other woman. Not sure what part of that is confusing to you, tbh.

2. Has shown no remorse, but instead total selfishness and contempt for her feelings. He's not only refused to apologise - he's telling her she's "making more of it than it is".

3. He says, as you note, that it happened because he was feeling stressed. About her miscarriage. Strange as it may sound, a miscarriage can be upsetting for a woman as well, but this one managed to deal with that stress without falling onto another man's penis.

4. She has told him it's over and asked him to move out. He refuses and insists that they can "get through this" regardless of whether or not she wants to and without being willing to actually admit he's done anything badly wrong.

5. She has used the word "terrified" to describe her reaction to his knowing his son has learned of their separation, and further adds that when she says things he doesn't want to hear he will start to tore things and kick doors and generally behave like an over grown toddler. This is threatening and abusive behaviour.

6. She pays 80% of their expenses. He gives her more if she asks for it specifically. The default position is that she keeps their family.

7. She is very, very clear that she just wants him gone. He is not hearing her because the message does not suit him - and nor, it seems, are you. The fact she is an adult, who has been very badly treated and has decided she has had more than enough, is not as important as staying with a man who treats her this way despite her having said over and over that she's made her decision before ever posting and doesn't want to? Why? Why should she take this from him? In what way would she do better to change her mind? And frankly, at what point would you think a woman had the right to walk out on a man?

What part of anything she has written is making you believe that she should change her mind? She doesn't want to stay with him, he's behaved badly - but all you seem to notice is that he isn't ready for it to be over, while not being willing to make any of the necessary moves to indicate that she might not regret giving him another chance? She hasn't ended it - his behaviour has. He chose to end his marriage when he decided to cheat - and if you don't think nude images and a relationship that damaged the marriage so much she checked his phone with a strong idea of what she would (and did) find then we disagree on what constitutes cheating - and then be a pig when caught. Finally, your concern for the assets seems misplaced, firstly because surely her happiness should count for more, and secondly because she's already repeatedly stated that there are none.

It's as though you're offering advice on a very different situation to that described, in all honesty. You seem very anxious that women don't tell other women they have the right to walk out when men treat them like crap - but we live in a world that constantly agitates against divorce and against women living independently, so I hardly think Mumsnet alone is mighty enough to singlehandedly change that. And for the record, I'd offer the same advice to a man in this situation - have done, in fact. Nobody should tolerate the person who is meant to love them most treating them like crap. Life is far, far too short to be trapped with a fuckwit of either sex.

I do note you now refer to women as "women", and not "females", though. The change is appreciated. After hearing an MRA carefully explain that use of the word "women" is one of the myriad ways in which we cheat our way to special and superior treatment in this world, and that MRAs try to use "female" to counter this terrible and profound systemic sexism against men in the world we inhabit, my antennae are always raised when someone defaults to it.

That's a great post perfectstorm.

great post perfect

How are you, OP? I hope you're feeling stronger and are managing to find some RL legal advice / CRB support. Have you spoken to your landlord about changing the tenancy into your sole name? Can/will they do that?

Hope things aren't too hard, OP. Try to take care of yourself as much as you can - it's a horrible situation.

Brilliant post perfectstorm

Sorry not updated . Had a lot going on. He's still on the couch . He said he is saving up to move out.
I feel utterly depressed . After the miscarriage and this I don't think I can take much more .
The thing that upsets me more is that he's not fighting for me and doesn't seem that remorseful.
We had a talk last night and I mentioned this to him. He said he's annoyed with me for my reaction! Ie telling our families and his exp.
I'm fed up of not having any of my own money and being under his control.
The ow finally txt me on Monday . She said she was truly sorry but it was just text msg and nothing more. It doesn't add up tbh. When I questioned her on certain things she couldn't give me a explanation.

Oh Blurred.

The reality is that she has an incentive to lie and so does he, but realistically the marriage is destroyed anyway, isn't it? And you have not contributed to that. It's not your fault or doing and the STBX is being a complete arse. If he doesn't want people to know what he's been up to, perhaps he should not have done any of it?

I hope you aren't cooking for him or doing any laundry etc - and that you are no longer subsidising him financially. If you are, he has little incentive to make any changes to his living arrangements.

Also have you talked to your GP about the depression? You deserve help, and it is out there.