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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm an idiot!

81 replies

Differentlyclued · 04/07/2006 10:49

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on mn and hoping for some help as I havent got newhere else to turn to.

So here it goes,

I met a guy over the net (not tht i went looking for romance over the net) and lied to him about something relitively important...
he found out somethin tht got him suspicious, but then i came clean with the guilt of it...

Now he is willing to forgive me for lieing but says hes gona torture me slowly! But doesnt want to finish things coz he loves me but he now doesnt trust me!

I dont know wht to do to make things upto him or if i should bother, as he is coming out with alot of snide comments, and he says hes not resentful jus disappointed?

Just like to know ne veiws.

Hope this makes some kind of sense... Thanx in advance.

OP posts:

heavenis · 04/07/2006 12:38

heavenis · 04/07/2006 12:39

Is he Asian too, is this why there is a problem.

spacedonkey · 04/07/2006 12:39

does he have a problem with the fact you're a professional woman though? Or is he just bothered about the fact you didn't tell him in the first place?

It's hard to gauge what he meant by the torture comment without knowing how he said it - maybe if it was said tongue in cheek that would be OK, but it does sound worrying and sinister just seeing it written down

spacedonkey · 04/07/2006 12:40

FioFio · 04/07/2006 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBe1974 · 04/07/2006 12:41

As much as I think that this man is in the wrong for holding this lie against you, ultimately, you lied to him. If the situation was the other way round and you said that you?d met a man on the internet and that he?d lied to you, I think there would be a lot of posts saying that you shouldn?t trust him because he?d lied. Sorry but the same applies to you. You weren?t honest with him about something and he obviously feels strongly enough about that that it?s made him think differently of you. While I don?t necessarily think he?s handled the situation well, I think there?s a valuable lesson to be learned ? if you want to meet a guy over the net and potentially want to have a serious relationship with him, then you have to be honest from the start.

Boxlady · 04/07/2006 12:41

ah he is going to torture you because you have the power

before he thought you were a little woman at home who couldn't say boo to a goose

he is scared of you

Original poster

Differentlyclued · 04/07/2006 12:42

Yes he is also Asian. I dont think he has a problem with me working, I think he jus feels let down that I wasnt honest with him...

He is generally a very cheeky n sarcastic, which is why I dont know whether he meant it literally...

OP posts:

spacedonkey · 04/07/2006 12:44

It sounds like you don't really know him that well yet - if you still like him, meet up with him a few more times and see how it goes. Tbh it's not as if you're in a long term relationship with the guy and told him a huge porkie.

edam · 04/07/2006 12:45

So is this his cultural prejudice against professional women, ie we should all stay barefoot and pregnant? Or is it more that you lied about something quite big?

If he objects to women having careers, I'd dump him, tbh. If he's pissed off that you lied, and he said 'torture' in a jokey, 'you'll never hear the end of this' kind of way, then I'd be more prepared to apologise and see how it goes. I often say to dh 'you do realise this will be cast up against you every time we have a row for the next 20 years' in a jokey way and it diffuses the tension.

Are you absolutely sure there's nothing he's fibbing about btw? People do edit out anything unattractive when they are using internet dating...

Original poster

Differentlyclued · 04/07/2006 12:48

wanabe1974 - I completely agree which is why I'm not holding any grudges against him, although I do think if u say u forgive someone; u say wht u have to n thn leave it in the past. If u think u cant u walk away. Instead of making thm feel like shit over and over again.

It is soo much easier being single!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Differentlyclued · 04/07/2006 12:56

I have apologised to him over and over again, in the space of 3days.

And also said in a joky way 'You're not going to let me live this down are you?', which he chose to ignore.

I have asked if he has got a problem with me working, and he said 'No! Only got a problem that u lied!' said its hard enough to build trust in the first place with someone you meet of the internet, but i didnt help things by lying. Fair enough!

He hasnt lied to me about neting as far as I know, but for some odd reason (mayb stupidly so) I believe every word he says... I had a random girl email me n say 'he was a player, treats women like crap etc...' but i didnt believe her!! :S

Maybe I should just leave him for a bit to calm down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Differentlyclued · 04/07/2006 12:58

by the way wht does tbh mean?!

OP posts:

Boxlady · 04/07/2006 12:59

grow up

themoon66 · 04/07/2006 13:01

If he starts to torture you, just tell him you'll 'see him in court'. In a jokey way of course... the same jokey way he plans to torture you

spacedonkey · 04/07/2006 13:09

tbh = to be honest

I dunno differently, the picture you're building up of him sounds dodgy, but it's really hard to tell, especially as you don't know him that well yet yourself ... the message you got about him being a player would start alarm bells ringing in my head, but of course it could be the girl has a grudge or something.

My advice is ... tread carefully and don't take any shit

Boxlady · 04/07/2006 13:12

tbh (to be honest) I have difficulty believing that you're a lawyer myself

you sound like a teenager

kiskidee · 04/07/2006 13:28

for me the warning light now is: before this happened he treated you like royalty, it was all perfect etc. after he has seen one fault, he won't let you live it down.

how will he treat you when he finds out the rest of your faults and mistakes if he cannot leave this mistake be?

at best he sounds immature about relationships at worst manipulative or a wanker as others have said.

Original poster

Differentlyclued · 04/07/2006 13:29

Boxlady - Dont tell me u have a trust issue with me too!

I havent got to hide or lie on here Im anonymous so there would be no need for me to lie!

Im was asking for advice not an arguement!

OP posts:

Boxlady · 04/07/2006 13:32

my advice is to start treating people like adults, and acting like one

otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life sweating over tossers like this

heavenis · 04/07/2006 13:36

What I don't understand is why he won't trust you,does he have a problem with an Asian woman working.
At the end of the day you've got to make your mind up as to if you want a relationship with a man who will not work around problems within the relationship. What if you found out something he said wasn't completly true what would he expect from you.
Why would a random woman e-mail you about him. How did she get your address.

Boxlady · 04/07/2006 13:39

'a man who will not work around problems within the relationship'

wtf?

she lied to him! that's not a problem in the relationship it's him being taken for a massive ride!

would you put up with that from a bloke you'd just met? if she'd posted saying 'my new boyfriend said he was a sahd but actually he's a lawyer' you'd all be on here going 'what else is he hiding?' 'he sounds really dodgy I should leave him if I were you'? 'can you ever trust him etc etc

heavenis · 04/07/2006 13:45

I know she lied to him. So there for there is a problem in the relationship. The trust they have has been broken. If he didn't want anything more to do with her because of this then he should say so.

heavenis · 04/07/2006 13:46

Should read So therefore there....

nellie245 · 04/07/2006 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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