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Original poster

Need to keep a secret from a close friend but really struggling

37 replies

Inneedofwisewords · 21/10/2013 13:40

Apologies if this upsets anyone, but I really am struggling with this.

A few weeks back I had a termination. This was the right decision for me and our family, though I appreciate not everyone will agree with me. I'm feeling ok about this now, but obviously it's as 'ok' as someone who can be whose been through a really upsetting few weeks. I have a very old, close friend who I'm normally in touch with every few days by text, chat to on the phone every week etc. She has been having serious issues ttc for several years now. I can't tell her about what has happened, I think it would devastate her, there are already odd moments when I can see it is upsetting enough to her that her friends have DC.

I'm fine with the fact that it is best if I don't tell her what has happened over the past few weeks, but the thing is, she knows that something has happened. I've rarely texted and phoned over the past few weeks. On one hand, I've been down and she can tell that. I've made a few fudged comments about being a bit under the weather and busy at work but she doesn't really believe it. We spoke last night and she asked me outright if anything was wrong – were things ok with DP, with my parents etc? But also it is so difficult not saying anything to someone who I normally tell most things to. It's the first time I've had to keep a secret like this from her (I have other people in RL I have been able to talk to about this). I'm worried I'll slip up and accidentally say something about a hospital trip or seeing a doctor etc. It feels like lying by omission and that is making me uncomfortable.

I'd rather be uncomfortable than upset her, but it's still upsetting me and I'm unsure how to keep a happy face and effectively lie to her. Does anyone have any advice? Sad

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 21/10/2013 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 14:31

Tell her sometjing else? Something with work or dh? Or money worries?

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2013 14:37

I would tell her something else, that you felt really depressed or something. You really can't tell her. Hope she's lucky soon - it must be really hard for her.

TheNumberfaker · 21/10/2013 14:43

Could you slightly alter the truth and say that you didn't realise you were pregnant and had a miscarriage? Not sure if that would work or be too close to the truth?

Original poster
Inneedofwisewords · 21/10/2013 14:44

Yes, maybe I could say something about money worries. I don't like the fact that I would be lying, as other than what has happened everything is generally OK. I already lied and said I had the flu and took a few days off work, as she'd got my out of office when emailing about something. I could maybe just say that this time it really took it out of me.

I know I can't tell her, and it makes me feel awful that I made this decision when it is something that would devastate people so close to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inneedofwisewords · 21/10/2013 14:45

Number - that did cross my mind but I think if my friend ever found out, even if it was ten years down the line, that would be even worse.

OP posts:
Mrspebble · 21/10/2013 14:46

I wouldn't tell her but you need to make up something believable. She is a good friend and she is worrying about you.

You could say you had a health scare but all is well now... Smear result or something..

I don't usually like lies but I think it is kinder to your friend.

SpottyDottie · 21/10/2013 14:48

If it came out ten years down the line, then it would have to be faced then but honestly you can't tell her it now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 14:54

You don't have to share every detail of your life with someone. Some things are simply too private, personal or likely to cause upset (as in this case) and you have to exercise some judgement rather than offload.

Original poster
Inneedofwisewords · 21/10/2013 15:01

Sorry, I don't think I'm explaining myself well.

I really do know that I must not tell her as it is too upsetting. I don't want to offload to her. It's not about sharing every little detail of my life - though we do share most details. I have people I have been able to talk about this with, and I have had support with my decision.

It's just that when someone knows you so well, they know when you seem to be withholding from them and she can tell that something is up. Perhaps it is a mindset change that I need, to accept that lying and inventing a story about an argument with DP or a health scare is better and kinder in the long run even though it also feels wrong. If I don't tell her something, or coach myself to put on a more cheerful face to her, then she might start inventing reasons and convince herself that I've developed some kind of a problem with her.

OP posts:
KellyHopter · 21/10/2013 15:10

You're over thinking it, IMO.

You've been a bit stressed but it'll pass, your friend is a grownup who should be able to accept whatever explanation for you feeling a bit out of sorts that you give her. Badgering you about it is disrespectful.

Are you sure you don't want to tell her? It's not a case of you failing to convince her you're alright because really you'd like to tell her but only if made to? I don't think that would be wise, I doubt shed be 'devastated' (that would be a thoroughly bizarre traction, ttc or not) but there's more respect and kindness in not introducing this potentially awkward topic.

BigGlasses · 21/10/2013 15:25

Tricky situation. I would probably do some sort of half truth, like thenumberfaker suggests. Say that you discovered that you were pregnant, that you were stuggling with the fact as it wasn't right for your family, and then that you had a miscarriage. You can say that you didn't want to discuss it too much with her as you know that it would a an upsetting topic for her, you being pregnant again.

You'll need to tell her something, like you say, she knows something is up and if she is a really close friend she'll know if you are fobbing her off. It it's something close to the truth that you tell her then at least you won't slip up with Doctors appts etc.

EldritchCleavage · 21/10/2013 15:45

You could just say that you don't want to talk about it, thanks for asking, it's over and you are fine. I don't think, close though you are, she is owed an explanation of what is bothering you. I really would not tell her an elaborate stories, it will unravel, and if she finds out you positively lied the friendship might end.

Tell her you know she supports you but this once, you don't really want to discuss it.

EldritchCleavage · 21/10/2013 15:45

story, I mean.

Twinklestein · 21/10/2013 15:51

I don't think it's worth risking the friendship. I can't bear lies so I would just tell her. If it comes out (which it probably will) you may lose her as a friend anyway.

I do have a great deal of sympathy for women who want to be pregnant, but I don't think you can protect her from life. I have two friends who can't have their own children at all, and I don't feel like I need to pussyfoot around them.

Some people will be told this week they'll never walk again, but you can't hide from them that other people still have legs.

payhisdebt · 21/10/2013 16:06

you are over thinking this .

Original poster
Inneedofwisewords · 21/10/2013 16:10

Interesting, twinkle, and thanks for saying that. I do have odd moments where I think - yes, it's awful that my friend is having problems and I am sad on her behalf and will do anything to support her - but none of that changes the particular reasons why DP and I decided we weren't ready for DC2 yet. So it is a tiny bit that it is hard for me to have gone through a very difficult time without being able to share with my oldest friend. But that's no reason to upset her.

I possibly am overthinking it with her because she's the one person who is cottoning on. The people I have seen regularly over the past few weeks don't know me well enough so haven't guessed something has been wrong. My other close friends I don't see as regularly, so it's easier for me to hide. I'm very conscious that our decision is one very few people will understand, and am scared of being judged by my friends, and then tie myself into knots with explaining it to them in imaginary conversations Blush

I think vaguely fluffing it is the right way to go, as Eldritch suggests. I can fluff that things have been difficult for a few weeks but it's fine now and I don't want to talk about it. If pressed I could say that I was unwell, I suspect I was pregnant, I was very worried about this (she knows me well enough to know why I would be worried about having another DC) but I'm not and everything is ok now.

People are right that I need to stop thinking of it as 'keeping a secret' and more of 'this is a private matter for me and DP'.

OP posts:
eggybrokenoff · 21/10/2013 16:14

inneed i think i remember you from a different thread and if so the reason for your termination. if i am right then maybe it would be ok to tell your friend that you needed it for medical reasons but didnt want to tell her as you didnt want to upset her/want her judging you. a good friend who has maybe known your past might well be able to see past her own pain and understand your situation?
if you dont want to tell her the truth i woukdnt lie about a miscarriage that would be awful for you getting that sympathy and bad in long run if she found out. tge suggestion to say you had a health scare but its all fine now is a good one x

dontyouwantmebaby · 21/10/2013 16:16

agree with twinklestein that lies could risk the friendship and I can't bear lies either.

however, agree also that not every single thing about your private life needs to be shared. Even when someone does know you so well, it doesn't mean they have to know every reason behind why you are feeling the way you are.

I think you are over-thinking it too. It sounds more like because you know something has happened that she ought to know it too, perhaps you are feeling guilty from keeping it from her. As others have said, don't think of it as a secret from her. You are entitled to some privacy. Don't dwell on it and you'll gradually text/phone more and she'll be none the wiser.

Original poster
Inneedofwisewords · 21/10/2013 16:21

Yes, eggy, it was sort of medical reasons - but also plenty of women do go through with a pg with the same condition and it's quite a difficult condition to explain to anyone who hasn't suffered it. I worry that someone who is struggling ttc wouldn't see HG as a reason to terminate, that they would be thinking "I'd go through anything to have a baby" Sad

I guess a lot of this is guilt about our decision, not so much about the decision we reached but about feeling that most people wouldn't agree with our decision. I think I might be projecting a lot of this onto how I feel about this particular friend.

OP posts:
RandomCitizen · 21/10/2013 16:25
  1. I would be quite uncomfortable with a friend being so intensely interested in my life that they insisted I tell them what was wrong if I seemed a bit down.

If you are Ok with that and want to keep the friendship, in this current dynamic, then you have to tell her and risk it I think - but if it makes you uncomfortable that you have suchan intense dynamic then you have the right to say no, and distance yourself slightly.

  1. I don't quite understand why it would be such a bad thing to tell her, especially if she is insistent on it. You have good reasons I imagine. Her life and your life are not as one.

She may understand, she may ditch you for it. Either way, you have stood by your own decisions and done nothing in regard to the friendship that you need be ashamed of.

EldritchCleavage · 21/10/2013 16:26

I would be quite uncomfortable with a friend being so intensely interested in my life that they insisted I tell them what was wrong if I seemed a bit down

eggybrokenoff · 21/10/2013 16:27

they probably would go through anything for a baby. but would they put a baby they already had through anything to get another one? i sort of get the impression your decision was for your family rather than just you. i hope you find a solution you are happy with to tell your friend. in the meantime i hope you dont feel guilty for what happened or think most people would think badly of you. fwiw i think you are very brave

MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 16:28

You don't have to tell her anything from now on in even though you have shared before though obviously that feels strange to you after always sharing news even if bad.

Equally she maybe upset that you didn't go to her even though you have done this for the right reason which are putting her first. She might feel hurt that you thought she wouldn't be able to support you as she is having difficulties getting pregnant.

This shows how difficult it is to know what to do for the best and whatever you say (don't want to tell you as it may upset you/too personal to talk about/want to move on and forget it) just shows there was a difficult time in your life and she wasn't part of it.

I would bite the bullet if she asks again and say you are fine and she is making you feel uncomfortable going on about it. Depending on how she responds will determine what happens next.

RandomCitizen · 21/10/2013 16:28

Projecting - yes quite possibly.

But anyhow - that's Ok. You have got an excuse now to say, 'look, I have been trying to keep this from you because I was afraid it would upset you, but I don't feel I can as you're my closest friend and you know something is wrong.

I don't expect to discuss it with you, unless you are happy to, of course, but I have had a termination and am struggling with coming to terms with it and I did not want to tell you because I thought you would be upset by the fact I did that,

these are my/our reasons,
this is why I'm not sure if it was right,

this is why I chose to do it and DO feel it was right

I hope you understand
I understand if you don't.'

sorta thing

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