Need to keep a secret from a close friend but really struggling

[Inneedofwisewords]

Apologies if this upsets anyone, but I really am struggling with this.

A few weeks back I had a termination. This was the right decision for me and our family, though I appreciate not everyone will agree with me. I'm feeling ok about this now, but obviously it's as 'ok' as someone who can be whose been through a really upsetting few weeks. I have a very old, close friend who I'm normally in touch with every few days by text, chat to on the phone every week etc. She has been having serious issues ttc for several years now. I can't tell her about what has happened, I think it would devastate her, there are already odd moments when I can see it is upsetting enough to her that her friends have DC.

I'm fine with the fact that it is best if I don't tell her what has happened over the past few weeks, but the thing is, she knows that something has happened. I've rarely texted and phoned over the past few weeks. On one hand, I've been down and she can tell that. I've made a few fudged comments about being a bit under the weather and busy at work but she doesn't really believe it. We spoke last night and she asked me outright if anything was wrong – were things ok with DP, with my parents etc? But also it is so difficult not saying anything to someone who I normally tell most things to. It's the first time I've had to keep a secret like this from her (I have other people in RL I have been able to talk to about this). I'm worried I'll slip up and accidentally say something about a hospital trip or seeing a doctor etc. It feels like lying by omission and that is making me uncomfortable.

I'd rather be uncomfortable than upset her, but it's still upsetting me and I'm unsure how to keep a happy face and effectively lie to her. Does anyone have any advice?

Sorry, I meant to say ^this, totally. But I recognise that's not the issue. But I don't think you need worry about or feel guilty about not telling her. It's really fine.

Eldritch - thankyou for clarifying I kind of meant, interested in an insistent sort of way, like, when you've said no it's Ok, and they keep on and on.

It depends really on how comfortable OP is with the friendship as it stands. To fob off the friend would be stepping back from it. But that's Ok as long as it's what she wants.

Thank you everyone (and eggy, thank you too, I appreciate it, and you're right, it is a radically different decision when you can't just spend 5 months in bed like you did first time around).

I will try and avoid it. If she presses, I will say that everything's fine now and I don't want to talk about it. If she still presses (and as Random says, that's probably then overstepping a line from supportive to just nosy) I'll tell her, but say I was trying to keep it from her to prevent upsetting her but she has kept on pressing.

It's weird - I don't feel guilty when I think about my family, but I do feel guilty when I think about what other people will think. Bar you lot, who are all lovely, of course, but still just anonymous usernames

just dont tell her. Why would it come out later on down the line?

Its not like an affair where people invariably get outed by someone.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. I would try and speak to a counsellor about it, and not your best friend. She doesnt need to hear about it. It will do neither of you any good.

I had something similar with a close friend - this week in fact. Long story short, I had a MC and for various reasons I hadn't told her I was pg. she twigged something was up and pestered to find out what was up with DH & I. I eventually told her that I was "having a bit of a rough time, appreciated her friendship, but didn't want to talk about it." She seems to have respected that. Maybe you could approach it in a similar way?

Don't tell her , I would have been upset to hear that from a friend I was tcc, not because its wrong just you can be a but precious about things like that when you are having problems conceiving.

I'm really sorry, tiger

I definitely won't tell her. This is the biggest and most important thing that has ever happened to me that I haven't been able to share with her, to ask for her support etc., which does feel quite weird, but it's definitely the right thing to do. It's not so much that I feel the need to talk about it per se, it's just the feeling that I am keeping things from her which is new and uncomfortable.

But I definitely won't tell her, and I will try and avoid any explanation at all because people have convinced me that could go wrong. I'll just say that I don't want to talk about things, but I'll say it nicely.

For Tiger and inneed
Since you have made up your mind Inneed maybe you can rationalise this more in your head as being 'family business' or betweeen you and DH, a bit different from a problem that was 'yours' to discuss (like an abnormal smear or something as someone said upthread).

If you do tell her anything don't say a miscarriage.

Between you, your DH and the help of friends that you can discuss this with hope you start to feel better soon.

I haven't read all this thread but here's my 2p worth anyway;

I has just finished having a miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy and asked my best friend to visit and be sweet to me as I needed her. We had a lovely time, listening to me moaning.

It was her birthday a month or so after and at the party she 'confessed' she was pregnant (with a much wanted child) and had felt crap during our visit as she felt she couldn't tell me! I had to tell her that just about the only thing that would have cheered me up was knowing that she was up was up the duff and happy.

My point is - don't underestimate your friends. They love you for a reason, and they care. About everything.

If it helps...

We went through a rough time ttc. Had 5 m/c's and were unbelievably stressed over it all. I had a friend who got pregnant during that time who was worried about telling me initially. (silly, really, as it's not like she could hide it after awhile ) But when she told me, I was genuinely happy for her. If, during that time (or even now), a friend had gotten pregnant and had a termination, I would feel sad - for them. Because I would assume it was a difficult thing to go through. Their fertility and pregnancy is completely separate to mine. I suppose I might be a little sad, but I would be more worried about my friend and being there for her if she needed it.

That being said, if a friend was going through something personal that she didn't wish to share, then that's fine, too. I'd still offer to be there for them, without needing to know details. You know, just "friend" stuff - chocolate or coffee if they need it, errands if they don't seem up to it, whatever. Or just giving them space.

Do what you're comfortable with. If she's your friend, she'll understand.

"you are right something really upsetting has happened to me but it involves someone else's confidentiality so I can't even give you a hint. I'm getting over it in my own time and I think I will be ok. I really don't want it to come between us as friends..."

Someone else = DP but don't say who

Thank you everyone, this is really helpful. I'm pretty certain that I'll try and avoid telling her, but I feel better that if it does come out maybe we'll be ok.