Loosing perspective.

[perdominum]

For 8 years I've been married to C. In that time I've got to the point where I just don't know if I am coming or going.

Yesterday was just one more of those occasions. I was asked by C to do the laundry on Saturday, it needed doing and so there was no problem in that. I did the darks wash because there wasn't much for a whites. Yesterday, after I'd been given "permission" to take our eldest daughter to church I got back and C found a top in the laundry that hadn't been done (and which C didn't need) and flew into a rage. It led to a massive row over the same issue over and over: C flies into a rage at everything I'm "incompetent" with and rather than just ask me to put the other items in the wash berates me for "doing something wrong". It usually involves me being put down and insulted. I object to the way I'm spoken to, but in C's mind the shouting and telling off is justified as is C's anger and I'm demanded to apologise. Whenever I try and argue the point C manipulates the argument to constantly keep the blame on me, if I don't back down C gets aggressive. On a number of occasions I have things thrown at me or am hit if I don't back down. It has even happened in front of the kids.

Yesterday, after the row had simmered we needed to go out. C put the kids in the car and asked me to fetch something from the house. C then drove off with the kids in the car and I could see them crying and looking back in the car. I could see C had stopped just round the corner and I got in the car. The kids were sobbing.

Later that night our eldest daughter expressed an opinion about her favourite colour being the same as her best friend's. C called our daughter "pathetic" and ranted at her about her best friend being a stupid tom boy and then really insulted her. I was powerless to stand up for my daughter without another screaming row kicking off.

C drinks a lot, and can be horrible to me when drunk. The average is to see off 10-14 cans of cider over a weekend, with the bulk being drunk on a Fri and Sun night. A lot of Friday nights are spent with C binge drinking and flicking through the music channels on Sky which C knows grates on me. C usually goes on about how great a taste in music C has and how mine is crap, and how sad I am, and it usually has the odd exaggerated laughing at me along with the insults. C's behaviour become erratic and it's not uncommon for me to be sat there cringing while C starts whooping and hollering at the TV and declaring how brilliant acts like Maralyn Manson and Slipknot are. I feel afraid and anxious at C's erratic behaviour and can't relax. This apparently provokes C's drinking especially if I ask for C to slow down.

I don't go out much. If I do I'm worried I'll come home and C will have been drinking heavily. If that happens I know I'm going to be subjected to an aggressive interrogation about where I've been and what we have talked about, especially if it involves C, and the interrogation becomes more intense and aggressive. C will occasionally go through my phone looking for text messages and randomly deleting things. I've let friendships slide and C constantly tells me I have no friends because nobody likes me. The fact is I've always had a small but close group of friends but over the years have learned that being in a group and being socially gregarious is a route to being criticised by C and facing a long drawn out character assassination on the way home so now I just say nothing and keep quiet whenever we go out.

The way our finances are set up I pay all of the bills, which accounts for most of my income, and C pays for the child care and general spending, but C has all of the family's disposable income. While C spends on clothes and going out and doing what C wants, if I do the same I am heavily criticised. I actually rely on hand me down clothes from C's family.

I'm a catholic C is agnostic. I've been chided about believing in sky fairies. C has done everything possible to get me to sever my ties with the church (I only go very occasionally now). C has threatened divorce if I don't agree with C that God doesn't exist. C plans things to regularly clash with me trying to take our daughters to the parish on Sunday mornings even though most of their friends go to church. I'm usually insulted and called thick and unintelligent for believing in anything more than myself. C knew I was catholic when we met and while I've never pushed my beliefs on C, C has done everything possible to get me to agree I'm wrong and C is right.

I keep a diary of events, here are some extracts:

Sunday 21st July 2013

C had been out on Fri night and had come home so drunk that at one point in the night had got up and gone into the en-suite and collapsed on
the floor and passed out on a pile of towels. On Sunday started
drinking again and I commented C hadn't had any time to
recover and that drinking again so soon after being so seriously drunk
less than 36 hours ago was not a good idea for health. C threatened to
glass me in the face and throw things at me unless I shut up and told me was having "fun" and was going to drink more to spite me and
demanded I apologise for being boring and "abusing".

Sat 13th July 2013
C's parents stayed over I went for a haircut. While out C's mother said
something that wound C up. C phoned me after 45 mins to demand to know where I was. I got home and went upstairs, got down and C told me to put suncream on girls and brush their hair. I went upstairs to do this and C started screaming at me to get downstairs, then counted down from 5 to "totally loosing it". Started yelling abuse at me and sent girls upstairs to get a shower and wash suncream off and go to their rooms as a punishment for my "poor behaviour". Claimed I was upstairs for an hour (15 mins at most) and had been out for 2 hours (45 mins - I timed it). C claimed was ill and that wanted me where I could be seen and told me to sit on sofa and not move. Went to get a glass of water and C told me to tip it away and was only going to let me drink when it suited as C wanted me to suffer. I got another drink and gulped it down and brought a second glass into living room. C claimed to be so ill needed to go to hospital immediately so I told C to get in the car, C threw remote control full force into my face and started screaming "fuck off and die!" repeatedly in my face. Then picked up a small wooden chair and threw that at me while I was sat down. I picked chair up and put it back and got glass of water. C had picked remote up and threw it at me again spilling some of the water on me with the force
of being hit. C laughed at me. C eventually calmed down and went into the garden and left me in the house.

1/12/12

C Going out at 8pm, opened front door and saw the advent wreath wasn't on as C would like. Started abuse - I am a fucking gypo, arsehole with no standards, belong on a council estate, no one else would have me, lucky to be allowed to live under the same roof, claimed I did it deliberately to deliberately did it to annoy C and deserve to be abused, no friends, miserable, no wonder no-one likes you. Told me C wants all the laundry ironed tonight as I won't be allowed to do it tomorrow or I won't be living here tomorrow.

There's more all along the same lines.

Am I loosing perspective? Is this normal behaviour in a marital home? I constantly live in fear and am walking on eggshells at everything I do provoking the kind of responses above. C won't accept that anything is wrong in the marriage unless I accept it is my fault. Sex happens only when C wants and is all about C. If I try and talk to C about how I feel I'm usually shouted down or the conversation is twisted as to why everything wrong in the marriage is my fault and that if I don't like it I can leave because C will just find someone better than me.

Just being realistic.

It is clear as day the situation should stop. Now.

Apparently, you can't fix it, OP, and never will at the rate you are going.

Leaving the feminist alone now, haha.

I do worry about what effect this will have on the girls. I worry that one day my eldest will replicate what C does and will have a less tolerant partner. I worry for the consequences as that would be a lesson I would not want her to learn the hard way.

That said, she's a smart kid and she does stick up for me from time to time.

There's always 2 sides to every story. My laisez fairs attitude to a lot of things drives C mad. Her attitude to a lot of things drives me mad. I accept that as the give and take of a marriage. Val's not entirely wrong in that I do examine what I do and say as I'm not right all of the time. Sometimes I'll say or do the wrong thing and because of the pattern of the relationship I don't apologise and hold out even when I know I should.

Perhaps my model of how my parents were makes me do the wrong thing. They used to wind each other up all of the time, but their anger would never over-spill, they would just retreat to their respective corners then when they had calmed down make up. When I try and do that C just gets in my face and pushes and pushes until rather than compromise it's all out victory or all out war. I won't cave until I know it will get seriously out of hand sometimes just out of principle. I know I'm wrong but sometimes I just can't help myself because I just feel I'm being trampled on.

You are being trampled on by your abusive wife.

It is NOT your fault she is this way; her problems started in her own childhood at the hands of her dysfunctional and abusive parents.

Your only option is to leave and with your children. You certainly do run the risk currently of your two children either becoming abusive in their own adult relationships or being abused themselves. Either one or both of them could end up with an alcoholic as a partner.

Their mother's abuse and your reactions to it are already having a deleterious effect on them. I reckon your two children are already very compliant, quiet as mice and super responsible (one of them is already sticking up for you) at home along with never having their friends over. They see and hear far more than you perhaps want to realise.

Thank you, OP!

Passive aggressive behaviour in the face of a woman, who wants to 'talk it through' would lead to excessions like this. Blame apportioning too. Noone says it is your fault, or it is never only her fault. But you have reached a point of no return. You need to split up, work on yourselves - both of you. Then try again if/when you are strong enough. It is not her, or just her. She is driven by something to go to this extent. No normal person likes to behave in this way. To me this screams of a very deep internal pain, heartache.

She threw a remote control in your face and a wooden chair at you. Your kids are witnessing this, or more likely sitting cuddling each other at the top of the stairs absolutely terrified.

You're minimising/excusing her outrageous behaviour by believing that you are somehow to blame, her behaviour is abusive and dangerous - even if you were the most irritating husband in the world she is completely out of control.

"I won't cave until I know it will get seriously out of hand sometimes just out of principle".

This is misguided and such thinking is really messing with your head as well. Pride also comes before a fall.

What honestly do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you within this to date?.

Listen to Atilla.

The following is from Mankind's website:-

All public authorities including the police, local councils, GP’s and hospitals have to treat you in the same way as they would treat a female victim.

Leave the relationship, if you can

It is important to recognise that you are not to blame and that this is happening to you.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse or domestic violence, then the person who is carrying this out does not love you and it is unlikely they will change their behaviour towards you.

Domestic violence or domestic abuse is always about asserting power and control.

Many men call the charity, saying that they love their partner and the partner loves them, but if that was the case the partner would not be carrying out domestic abuse or violence against them

Your safety, both physically and mentally is of upmost importance so it is vital that you leave the relationship if you can.

If you have children and the abuser is the mother, we realise this is more difficult, but by reporting the crime and keeping a diary (see below), this will help if you need to leave the family home, with or without your children.

Keeping a diary and telling others

It is vital tell the relevant authorities about what is happening to you and keep a diary of the incidents.
•Keep a diary of incidents, noting down times, dates and witnesses, if any (also see Keep documents, diary and phone to hand).

•Tell a friend and/or family members

•Keep a photographic record of injuries.

•Report each incident to your GP or hospital – make sure they take notes of your injuries

•Report each incident to the police (including criminal damage as well as violence) and ensure you speak to the trained domestic violence police officer (all police stations have specialist domestic abuse officers or they can tell you where the nearest one is.). Either phone to make an appointment or attend the station in person. Take a friend with you, if possible. ENSURE YOU OBTAIN A CRIME REFERENCE NUMBER, INSIST ON IT.

•Take advice regarding injunctions from a reliable solicitor.

•Think about telling your employer about the problems you face. Employers are far more aware of the problem of domestic abuse than before.

•Seek help from a local council housing officer, especially if children are involved.

ENSURE YOU HAVE EVIDENCE

Keep documents, diary and phone to hand

There may be a time when you need to leave immediately, ensure you have keys with you or have them stored elsewhere.

Diary
•It may be safer to keep the diary outside of the home, with a friend, family member or at work;
•After each new incident ensure it is added to your diary as soon as possible;

Mobile Phone

(1) Keep your mobile phone with you at all times and ensure it is always charged

Documents
•Keep important documents, such birth certificate, marriage certificate, passport, driving licence, insurance documents etc, in a safe place – friends or family.

Contacting the police

IF YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER

CALL 999

YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY IS OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE

The police have to treat you in the same way as they would treat a female victim.

Do not be put off from going to the police thinking they will not believe you and that you are weak in doing so.

Please follow these steps below:-
•Report each violent incident to the police (including criminal damage as well as violence), even if you do not wish to press charges

•Ensure you obtain a crime reference number. Insist on it.

•Ask to speak to the trained domestic violence police officer (all police stations have a specialist domestic abuse officer or they can tell you where the nearest one is.). Either phone to make an appointment or attend the station in person.

•Take a friend with you, if possible.

Do not retaliate, if possible
• Always try not to retaliate either physically or verbally, leave if you can or try to remove yourself to another room/place

• Notice the signs that may trigger an incident, and if so, leave.

If you retaliate, the police might end up arresting you, rather than a wife or girlfriend, even if she is the aggressor.

OP regardless of the reasons/excuses for her behaviour - she's well aware it's not normal btw, how will you feel when your own daughters start treating you in a similar way? Imagine them becoming teenagers (if not sooner) and repeating mum's actions and words because that's what they view as 'normal' behaviour towards Daddy.

Right perdominum
I am probably not the best person to give anyone advice
But I couldn't resist

I know someone who was in that kind of situation
I would consider to leave before you would get break down
before is to late
And I do understand that you would think Im strong just need help to deal with it
But when you look at your life from perspective you will

I don't know that there's a lot more I can say. I need to digest, take time, think.

If I were to be honest, I think I know one day I'll walk. I just don't know when. She may cross another line. It may be a culmination of things. It could be next week, it could be next year. It could be a decade from now.

The fact I've been able to get this off my chest has helped. Thank you for that. Let's see what happens.

My friend after a w months is starting realise what she went trugh and how huge impact it had on her

But guys I totally disagree with you on the childhood side

If you have unhappy and unhealthy childhood is extremely difficult to have a normal life but it is possible
So its not a reason why

It's much more difficult especially when you don't have experience of a happy relationship but if you intelligent enough or I would go even further on you would do the best not to

Behave like your parents
Trust me on that

My friend who her ex destroyed her life said to her once
"People who had been abused in childhood can one day become abusers themselves"
Which was totally heartbreaking for her like proper
mental punch in her face

My friend after a w months is starting realise what she went trugh and how huge impact it had on her

But guys I totally disagree with you on the childhood side

If you have unhappy and unhealthy childhood is extremely difficult to have a normal life but it is possible
So its not a reason why

It's much more difficult especially when you don't have experience of a happy relationship but if you intelligent enough or I would go even further on you would do the best not to

noNickname, no one is saying it's not possible to have a normal adult life but if you are already confused and have been conditioned to believe that extreme behaviour is normal then you are much more likely to end up accepting extreme behaviour yourself until the point at which hopefully you achieve some self awareness and seek help to get a grip on reality.

If the OP gets the kids away from the destructive behaviour and makes clear that it is wrong they have a greater not a lesser chance of having a normal adult life. No one is saying all abused people become abusers.

OP,

Please think of your daughters. Every time their mother kicks off it must make them feel sick to their stomachs.
If you stay, it will only get worse. C needs professional help to deal with her Alcoholism (and yes, she most definitely IS an alcoholic) and her past. Unfortunately, these are steps she will have to take herself whether their is coaxing and encouragement on your behalf.
You need to go and take your daughters with you. They shouldn't be in that environment at all.
Let C realise what she may lose and then, maybe, she'll fight the demons inside her.

All the best xx