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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP out again. Am I being controlling?

28 replies

Sleeplessnightagain · 21/10/2013 09:00

Sorry if this seems like a very minor silly thing to be bothered about (especially when compared with situations others have to deal with..), I just wondered if I should be pissed off or not.

DP went out yesterday at 12 for 'a couple of hours' to watch cricket/catch up with friends. Phone off all afternoon (was dead when I tried to call at 6 as he was supposed to bring back some ingredients so I could make dinner). Rolls in bladdered at 8.30, said phone battery is dead. Pub is literally 2 mins away so he could have popped back at any time to bring the stuff/let me know his phone is dead.

He is oft out getting drunk; 2 or 3 times per week, usually plans to just 'pop out' but ends up out till tenish. I'm no saint as I had a (very rare) night out sat night and came home very tipsy at midnight, also drink odd glass of wine at home which I enjoy. He had lots of notice about Sat though and I really can't remember the last time before that I went out without him (going out is generally rare since DC, you know what it's like!).

He is not DC's dad, so that may alter a sense of 'obligation' maybe but he's a good man and we've been together a year. This is the only major issue.
What do you think?

OP posts:
roz1982 · 21/10/2013 09:04

I'd be pissed off if I were you.

It doesn't matter that he's not dcs dad, he knew you came as a package and he does have an obligation to be there and be a good role model as your partner.

There's a difference between going out once in a while and what he's doing. He is being selfish.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/10/2013 09:06

I don't think this is a small thing...I think you're right to be hurt, let down and pissed off.

If he went out at 12 and came home at 8.30 pissed, then really that was a full day of drinking. It wasn't negotiated beforehand so you were waiting for him. He is in the wrong.

Just because he's not your children's father he has still chosen to be part of your family. He needs to act properly and not like a single man.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you talked to him about his you feel?

roz1982 · 21/10/2013 09:07

Ps where does the you being controlling bit come into it?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 21/10/2013 09:13

No you are not being controlling.

He is self-centred and unreliable. It won't be long before you start doubting him and mis-trusting him (if this hasn't happened already). People like this don't change. Do you think he's got a drink problem, because it sure does sound like that alchol is his main priority and not you? ; (

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2013 09:16

This is not minor at all.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of YOURS are being met here?.

Honestly, if this is what this is like a year in I would seriously now re-evaluate this whole relationship along with its future. Also if he is indeed getting drunk 2 or 3 times a week it could be argued that he has a problem with alcohol. He is also choosing to act like this, no-one is forcing him to do so. He sounds both selfish and self absorbed.

Is he really a good role model to your children as well?. They need decent role models in their lives.

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 09:18

So, your P has a drinking problem and you are asking us if you are "controlling" ?

I think he is a very poor role model for your son and you should LTB, not be tying yourself in knots and giving him excuses for his shitty behaviour

CuChullain · 21/10/2013 09:26

Getting smashed two or three times a week and leaving you at home is not being very considerate! Everyone needs some down time with their mates now and again but it seems like a very lopsided arragement that you have at the moment. Its also very poor form for him to suggest that he will be back at a certain time and for him to not honour that, especially if you are cooking dinner or making arrangements based his supposed return. I would have a word and if he starts to play the 'its only a few drinks with the lads / stop nagging me' card you might have to question the longevity of your relationship as you dont seem to be too high on his list of priorities.

JaceyBee · 21/10/2013 09:31

It doesn't sound as though you're being controlling ( unless there's a lot you haven't said ). And I don't think getting drunk 2-3 times a week is particularly unreasonable, in itself. The issue is that your lives maybe aren't particularly compatible, you want a partner who will be committed to you and the dcs and he wants to be a single man with no responsibilities but get the perks of having a partner/family too. I might be wrong but if this is the case having a full and frank discussion (when he's sober!) about expectations and what is/isn't acceptable might make things clearer for you both.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 10:01

Normal people don't go out to get 'drunk' 2 or 3 times a week. That's not sociable, it's just alcohol abuse. No, I don't think you're controlling or unreasonable.

kinkyfuckery · 21/10/2013 10:03

He sounds like a dick, especially because he'd committed to doing something for/with you at a certain time.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2013 10:08

He's a drunk, a dick and a shit example. Get rid. Please don't conceive a child with this loser.

Original poster
Sleeplessnightagain · 21/10/2013 12:02

Thank you very much for all the replies. If a friends was telling me this I'd have exactly the same reaction..somewhere along the way my judgment has become off I think.

mama my thoughts are that it is a lot of responsibility for someone coming into a family set up when they're used to being single, maybe I've given him too much slack because of this. I've talked to him a little, but not enough.

Roz the controlling thing was about us initially discussing how we'd both been with controlling ex's who hadn't liked us going out/generally exerted control..it was something we both said we had found difficult when in that sort of relationship..but I see now maybe this in itself gives him an excuse to act how he wants? Cuchu he does say things along those lines.

Attila we generally get on well, similar outloook on life, values (though I'm starting to think no to those things given the drinking..), some needs are met, but the 'honeymoon period' is now over so things are quite different.

I do think he might have a drinking problem - he is much lovelier, sharper, funnier and good company when not drinking.

I do need to get rid don't I? I need to grow some balls...Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessnightagain · 21/10/2013 12:05

I need to put my children first, no matter how well he gets on with them and is absolutely brilliant with them, even the possibility of them growing up with an alcoholic in the house (and as a role model) is terrifying

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 12:07

It's not the going out that's the problem by the sound of it. It's the inconsiderate/selfish/antisocial behaviour that goes with it.... rolling drunk, letting you down, breaking promises.

Original poster
Sleeplessnightagain · 21/10/2013 12:10

Yes cogito, you're right. I don't mind him going out and having down time with friends, most people need that. It's the lack of self control and as you say selfish behaviour.
I feel so let down and quite taken advantage of.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:14

Well, you know what to do to get your equilibrium back.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 12:18

No. He is not a good man.

Getting pissed 2-3 times per week? No. Absolutely not.

Does he live with you? Does your children have to cope with having a drunk in their home?

Original poster
Sleeplessnightagain · 21/10/2013 12:21

Scary I know, absolutely. I'm looking forward to the day where the anxiety is gone, and I'm not on tenderhooks or waiting.
I've already called my mum and told her the situation so she'll probably provide some support. I just need to do it and get through the first week. Like I said, growing balls time!

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:22

< nods >

Original poster
Sleeplessnightagain · 21/10/2013 12:24

Quint, I guess not..

He has his own place but is here A LOT, so it is like being in a family unit.
They haven't seen him pissed (usually after bedtime)and he often doesn't appear that drunk when he is, though he did last night!
If they had seen anything, then that would have brought it to a head quicker..I think it's only just dawning on me really. I think I was in denial, wanting it to work.

OP posts:
Yougotbale · 21/10/2013 14:47

How old are you both? Where is your child's father? Do you get anytime off child care.

IMO, he might not right for you. If he is under 30, has his own house, and you have only been together for a year. Then I wouldn't say his going out is a problem. The letting you down with ingredients isn't good but as a one off, isn't too bad.

I think you are looking for someone else.

Original poster
Sleeplessnightagain · 21/10/2013 16:07

bale he's under 30, I'm 5 yrs older. We do get time off when DC are with their dad every other weekend.
It's done now, we've had the chat and it's over. He (surprise, surprise) called me controlling and a hypocrite for going out on Saturday night and being funny about Sunday. He doesn't see the distinction.

That's it then. Feel horrible.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 21/10/2013 16:17

Sorry you're going through the split now but it needed to be done.
He's pulled out the usual lines when confronted so you now know all you need to about him.
I think you've had a lucky escape. He behaviour would have got worse and worse and you know it.
Spend some time with your kids and take time to heal.
Then you can find someone who will treat you well and love you and want to be with you.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/10/2013 16:37

When I was his age and didn't have children I'd quite happily take myself off out with friends several times a week and not be too bothered about when I got home.

"He has his own place but is here A LOT, so it is like being in a family unit."

No it's not.

He's your boyfriend.

He has no obligation to "come home" at a decent hour or make sure you and he both get the same amount of time away from the kids.

I think you are being really bossy about this.

When you two decide to live together, or get married, then you can talk about what kind of expectations you have of him with regards to going out.

But right now, after a year together, I think you are being ridiculous.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/10/2013 16:39

Sorry, I see that you've split up.

Yeah, I think I would have done similar if I was dating a man with kids and he expected me to stay in with him all the time because of his responsibilities to his children.