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Original poster

Is this verbal "abuse"?

29 replies

chopstick · 03/07/2006 19:07

Dh and i argue quite alot and sometimes end up shouting at eachother. He sometimes says very hurtful things to me. Someone said that this constitutes bing "abusive" to me but many couple i know have screaming rows from time to time. i wonder what you think - i never really thought i was in an abusive relationship - just a sometimes volatile one

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 03/07/2006 19:08

I don't know whether it's "abusive" because you haven't detailed what he says. But if it's upsetting you and you feel abused, then it's a problem that needs to be addressed!

Verbal abuse certainly exists and can be very damaging.

Greensleeves · 03/07/2006 19:22

.

Lemmingswife · 03/07/2006 19:24

What kind of hurtful things does he say?

Original poster
chopstick · 03/07/2006 19:27

He occasionally mocks what i say or swears at me, Until a couple of years ago used to call me things like "bitch" but hasn't done for ages now as i told him how much it upset me and he accepted how nasty it was. I suppose it's often just the "volume" he shouts at which can sometimes be quite intimidating. We have talked about it and he tries not to shout at me but uunfortunately this is what he does (and so do i sometimes and i aslo cry hysterically!) when he is very angry/upset

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 03/07/2006 19:29

It sounds like you're both out of control when you argue. And it sounds like you're unhappy about these arguments, I bet he is, too. Is Relate or similar an option?

Lemmingswife · 03/07/2006 19:29

It certainly doesn't sound too good to me. I would say from what you describe, that he is verbally abusive.

foundintranslation · 03/07/2006 19:29

IMO the difference between 'screaming row' and 'abuse' is whether the hurtful things are not said in the heat of the moment and regretted later, but systematically (which doesn't actually exclude them being apparently said in anger - the clue is the pattern) to belittle you, confuse you (e.g. make you think it's all your fault), destroy your confidence.
Do you feel basically respected? Are you able to move on from your rows, or do they leave a nasty taste?

foundintranslation · 03/07/2006 19:30

Oh, x posts. If you feel intimidated when he shouts then that doesn't sound good, no.

Lemmingswife · 03/07/2006 19:31

Do you shout at him in the same way as he does you?

NomDePlume · 03/07/2006 19:31

I agree with NQC, to me your posts sound like you both give as good as you get during an arguement. Sounds like you could both do with a helping hand from a third party.

Mytwopenceworth · 03/07/2006 19:36

Verbal abuse is hostile language that hurts the listener and is not accidental. (For example, it's not language that someone overhears by mistake; the speaker intends the listener to hear it). If it is routine, frequent, affecting your self esteem etc etc, then I would say it could very well be argued that it is an abusive relationship.

Rhubarb · 03/07/2006 19:37

I call mine a vomit munching piece of crud. He replies likewise. Do we have problems I wonder?

Greensleeves · 03/07/2006 19:42

You are - how can I put this - some way outside the accepted norms, Rubarb

Tortington · 03/07/2006 19:45

it much depends on your power relation in this - are you holding you won or are you being screamed at?

dh and i do screeming and shouting occasionally i dont feel threatened though - and i rather like to see it as passionate.

when we each dont care will be a day to worry

Greensleeves · 03/07/2006 19:47

I agree with that. When we don't fight because we can't be arsed to, I'll know we're in real trouble.

Is it fighting, though, or is it one-sided bullying? I think the answer lies in how you feel, chopstick. Do you feel afraid of his temper or unable to defend yourself? If you do then it's miserable for you and it's not on

Rhubarb · 03/07/2006 19:52

You need to arm yourself with a couple of well aimed insults then go for the jugular! He won't know what's hit him!

Lemmingswife · 03/07/2006 20:09

Like others have said, if he frightens & bullies you to the point that you feel unable/scared to defend yourself, you could well be in an abusive relationship.
If you are yelling at him as much as he is you, then you need to think about sorting your relationship out & maybe something like Relate would be of benefit to you.

Greensleeves · 03/07/2006 20:12

You will get plenty of good support and advice from MN all the way through whatever needs to happen, whether it's Relate/ just talking it through honestly with him/ whatever you need to do. Don't stop posting. MN has been a lifeline to so many people in difficult relationships of every kind - use it!

Lemmingswife · 03/07/2006 20:19

Greensleeves is right, chopstick. MN is a great place for support.
It has certainly been a lifeline for me!

Original poster
chopstick · 03/07/2006 21:10

I just tried to talk to him about how i felt frightend and intimidted when he shouts so loudly and he did apologise,But when i said i didn't want our son to grow up knowing that i was frightened of him, he tried to compare that with saying our son would think he (husband) was henpecked because i remind him to do things he said he's do alot. I don't see how the 2 things can compare. It now just feels that he thinks what i feel is trivial

OP posts:
Original poster
chopstick · 03/07/2006 21:45

Now he's told me that instead of talkingto him if i'm angry with him, only to talk to him about it quickly and then just to talk on here so he doesn't have to hear about it anymore.

OP posts:
Lemmingswife · 03/07/2006 21:50

Are you very frightened of his temper?

Original poster
chopstick · 03/07/2006 22:03

yes, definately. He's said he's sorry & he'll try not to frighten me again but now it's happened again after so long i keep worrying about what will happen next and it's brought back lots of bad memories. Think he hates my temper just as much it's just that he's not actually scared of me, more angry and annoyed with me

OP posts:
Lemmingswife · 03/07/2006 22:07

It isn't good to be scared of your DH.
Do you shout at him as much as he does you?

gothicmama · 03/07/2006 22:12

sorry not read all the posts - does it upset,undermine or humiliate you (any or all of these is verbal abuse) would you let anyone else talk to you like this. If you answer yes to any of these then it is abuse

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