Lies and betrayal, need to talk but no one in RL to confide in

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I've lurked for sometime, and would really appreciate a forum to vent, please! Been with my DP 2 years, both divorcees. I have been very paranoid about the extent of DPs contact with his ex, after he lied about visiting her last year (He told me they had been together for 13 months, and she was abusive towards him, he finished with her alledgedly.) Eventually he owned up, said it was to fix her computer. Then more recently, he was getting texts and not answering them immediately, odd behaviour from him. It was a male name I didn't know, and lo and behold, he admits it is her. This time the story is she needs money, and as it ended badly between them, he wanted to make up to her by helping her out. Hmmm. I have asked why he felt the need to hide this from me, he said because I was so upset about them meeting up last year.
A week or so later, I find out he'd emailed her saucy messages. Confronted him, he says he set up an email address in her name, as he knew I was snooping on him. Then admits it was actually her, he was drunk, and foolish.
Reading this back I sound like a nutter, paranoid about an ex, but I'm actually a reasonable person, who has become super sensitive due to his deceit.
It's complicated as he moved in with me several months ago.

So my issues are why am I allowing myself to be hurt? Why am I still with him? Is it because my pride is dented?

I know that this is small fry compared to others difficulties, but I'm too ashamed to speak to any of my friends about this.

Thank you for reading

Fourbythree what was the trigger for you to leave? Was it hard? How did he react? Understand if you can't talk about it. I feel so paralysed, like I know it's wrong, but can't take the necessary steps. And yes, since he's threatened to pack up, I've been chasing him. He probably knew I would.

Then this is your life.
You have just shown this ass wipe that he can do whatever he wants and you will do nothing. Even when his behaviour is so appalling he says HE needs to leave, you beg him back.
Where in earth did you learn that this treatment is acceptable?

I know, I have no idea. Last night was weird. I was crying and happy at the same time, at the thought of him leaving. Then I woke in the middle if the night consumed by sadness and perturbed that he'd frozen me out. It's dysfunctional behaviour. I see that.

Cocklodger

Let the sponging liar go. Ignore the crocodile tears. Expect the suicide threats any day now

When you get back from holiday he won't have gone anywhere, he'll be snivelling with his feet under your tablets, dick in his hand and his wallet wide open to offers

*table

Made me laugh! You're right. I need to harden up, stop being so self pitying, and detach myself. Maybe being away is a good thing.

He is taking the massive Piss out of you, love

Would you let anyone else treat you like this ? Would you stand by while someone treated one of your kids like this ? Are you happy for both you and this ridiculous man to model this kind of relationship for them ?

You need to get a grip of yourself
(said kindly)

2 years and you are going through this shit - seriously, where is your self esteem - pick it up, dust yourself off and start again, 2 years is nothing, you should be all loved up being spoilt and cherished, not treated like a piece of poo - ask yourself, are you not worth more?

I know I need to, I see exactly what he's playing at. I worry that I'm addicted to drama, it's a concern. I'm rational in all other aspects of my life. When I left my ex I gathered my strength through MN, prior to telling my situation to my friends and family. I feel weak but know I can do it. It's not hard, I just hate confrontation.

It's my fault, I didn't wait long enough to recover from the breakup of my marriage. He was a drunk and a bully masquerading as a pillar of the community. When I left, my youngest was 6 months old, and I had PND. He told everyone I had a nervous breakdown. I hadn't. I had a shit life, and chose to leave it.
I met my current P less than a year later, online. I was flattered by the attention. All along I knew he was wrong for me. Anyway.

I just don't get why within 2 years he's able to treat you like this - it won't get better until you make a stand, if at all.

You can be happy without a man you know.

Look up the Freedom Programme, love

You can do it online. Access personal counselling if you can. You picked up with a grade B tosser, instead of a grade A like the last one

He's still a Tosser though, and not worth your time. Don't let the next one be a different flavour of tosser, it's not fair on your kids

There was a culmination of horrible events and 1 was just 1 too many... I realised nothing was ever going to change... I kept blaming myself for everything - I met my ex online and he floored me with attention and flattery... I met up by chance with an old flame and told him everything - his horror at what I was going through helped me start to see what was happening more clearly.
My ex reacted very badly - veering between utter despair and utter hatred. We have 2 children together so I still have to have contact and it is the same now - he still lies, still blames me for everything, spends most weekends with his ex (the one he played me off against) - the difference is that I don't care anymore

That sounds awful, fourbythree, glad to hear you got out. I suspect my partner would be like this. He can be very cold almost out of the blue, and brings things up days down the line that hadn't meant much to me. He can be sulky and sullen, and the pattern tends to be falls out with me, I'm left thinking, "what did I do"? And as I hate confrontation I try to make amends. It's not like this all the time, he tends to be easygoing, and reassuring, and loving, then bam! Out of the blue again. I know I'm not making sense! Last night he didn't take any of my calls, stating he'd fallen asleep, which was rubbish. So our conversation was texting, which I hate, as it can be mistrued. And I think it rather puerile to text instead of discuss IYSWIM. He knows this. I think it's controlling, I should have said, fine we can talk tomorrow, but he pushes my buttons, knowing how I'll respond. Today out of the blue I get a "I love you very very much text" and I'm like, eh?? Thought you were packing up? I dunno. I'm tired of the games!

Then stop playing. Kaput. Fini. You can pull the plug any time you like.

I'm sure the relationship has given you a lot of positives. However it's gone sour now, and that's only a problem if you don't end it. Nearly all relationships go a bit bad at the end, that's how you know it's the end.

Yes it's obvious really. I just feel resentful that it was all his doing. Funny as someone close to me has embarked on an affair, and his opinion of them was very poor. And I thought a betrayal is a betrayal, but it never entered his mind I would feel that his indiscretion was like that. Like he was in denial.