Lies and betrayal, need to talk but no one in RL to confide in

[RedRaw]

I've lurked for sometime, and would really appreciate a forum to vent, please! Been with my DP 2 years, both divorcees. I have been very paranoid about the extent of DPs contact with his ex, after he lied about visiting her last year (He told me they had been together for 13 months, and she was abusive towards him, he finished with her alledgedly.) Eventually he owned up, said it was to fix her computer. Then more recently, he was getting texts and not answering them immediately, odd behaviour from him. It was a male name I didn't know, and lo and behold, he admits it is her. This time the story is she needs money, and as it ended badly between them, he wanted to make up to her by helping her out. Hmmm. I have asked why he felt the need to hide this from me, he said because I was so upset about them meeting up last year.
A week or so later, I find out he'd emailed her saucy messages. Confronted him, he says he set up an email address in her name, as he knew I was snooping on him. Then admits it was actually her, he was drunk, and foolish.
Reading this back I sound like a nutter, paranoid about an ex, but I'm actually a reasonable person, who has become super sensitive due to his deceit.
It's complicated as he moved in with me several months ago.

So my issues are why am I allowing myself to be hurt? Why am I still with him? Is it because my pride is dented?

I know that this is small fry compared to others difficulties, but I'm too ashamed to speak to any of my friends about this.

Thank you for reading

That's how I've been, neurotic. I'm a rational person so when faced with a change in behaviour, denied of course, I took to snooping. And I uncovered so much. We met online. I was helping my friend set up a profile, and we were having a giggle looking at the local men, and I found a profile with almost the same name and details as my DP. I asked him, he denied it, but I suspected so set up my own profile, and eventually had a few exchanges with my suspected DP. He gave me his email, the next day I confronted him. He said it was his friend, mucking about. Stupidly, whilst I still do not believe him, I stayed with him. But I have been mistrustful ever since.
Occasionally I would check his phone, no online dating, but knew he was in contact with his ex.
It feels difficult to admit this, but I think he is with me because of the lifestyle we have together. He moved in with me when he was made redundant. He got a job, but pays a lot less than mine, and he buys good shopping, but never pays the bills, or pays rent. I even gave him the means to replace his car, which he hasn't repaid.
He says his ex had a bad credit rating and he's been helping financially. I suggested it wasn't his place, and that the ongoing contact made me uncomfortable.
He says he loves me, wants to grow old with me, and I do believe he loves me. But clearly he doesn't respect me, and I don't trust him.
Huge relief being able to be honest. Phew!

Morning Red, hope you are seeing things more clearly this morning? You do realise that the mire you say about him,the worse he sounds? Online dating?
I'm sorry red but how can he love you? He loves what you represent but he couldn't plan to cheat in this way and love you.
You know, someone going out and getting drunk and having a ons is one thing...someone sitting down and setting up a profile and sexting x's is quite another.
I would kick his sorry pathetic ads into the street and not give it a second thought.
Please Op, you sound lovely, have some self respect.

It really isn't hard.

Either the good stuff outweighs the bad in which case keep calm and carry on.

Or it doesn't in which case, kick him out.

I would suggest by the fact that you started this thread, the good stuff doesn't outweigh the bad and hence, you need to do something to end this relationship.

In years to come it will be but a blip in your timeline. Don't string it out any longer than it needs to be.

Ignore what he says (I love you, I want to grow old with you) and watch what he does (has an active dating profile, contacts his ex, perhaps helps her with money whilst living off of you, lies repeatedly, blames your justified mistrust on you rather than him, etc...)

It is lovely to feel that we are loved, but the sort of 'love' he's offering, taking advantage of someone's kindness while keeping an eye out for a better opportunity elsewhere, repeatedly lying... it isn't what most of us would call love, and you deserve a relationship with someone who genuinely respects you and where you both care for one another.

Think about it. If you genuinely wanted to grow old with someone, you wouldn't be sending saucy texts/emails to an ex, you wouldn't be keeping an active dating profile and chatting to new people who got in touch with anything other than "Sorry, this is an old profile I forgot about, I'm in a long term relationship with someone who I'd like to grow old with, I'm going to remove my profile from the website. Good luck in finding someone special."

You can do better than this.

He loves you?
I think you were bang on when you said it's the lifestyle that comes with you he loves.
You can do so much better than this twat.

It's horrible as I know you're all right. I'm away with my DCs for a holiday, just me, so have time to think. I have read up a lot on this, and do realise it's him and not me, that's in the wrong. Last week when I found the saucy text, he said he has a self destruct button, that implodes when things are good. He made me feel sorry for him. When I try and tell him how hurt I feel, he says I need to get over it and move on. Yet at the same time says it happened as I don't communicate with him. Maybe he is trying to love me, because the life we have together would be better than that alone (for him). But I want to be with someone who really loves me, wouldn't look anywhere else. I had that with my ex but he was a drinker, and I left as he refused to change. It's hard moving on again.

So he is basically telling you he will not change and you need to put up and shut up?
Do you really think this is
A) OK?
B) Sustainable?
C) What a mutually loving and respectful relationship is?

The response to 'Poor me, I've pressed my self destruct button again.' Is 'Yes you have, bye.'

Easier said than done, but it's not going to get better is it?

Oh red, yes, it is...but you can and will be better off. ((hugs))y

I hope you find the strength to leave this man. You deserve so much better. Take care

Last week when I found the saucy text, he said he has a self destruct button, that implodes when things are good.

Even if this were true, its not a self destruct button is it? Its not just him who is hurt, it is you and your family too. So everytime you start to enjoy life, feel secure and happy, part of you will be on edge wondering when he's next going to blow up your life through his selfishness.

He made me feel sorry for him.
You know about self destruction if your last partner was a drinker. You are not a public service who has to mop up the mess of men who want to/or are compelled to destroy their lives and the lives around them. Suggest he sees a counsellor if he brings up this 'self-destruct button' in future, maybe he can work with a professional about how he (and you) don't deserve happiness and he keeps wrecking it. Its not your job to fix him. (just as with alcohol, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it).

When I try and tell him how hurt I feel, he says I need to get over it and move on.
Funny how your feelings have to be minimised and ignored while he feels entitled wreck everything (not incidently by him being a cheat and a liar, but through him being caught, there wouldn't have been a problem if 'you hadn't been snopping' obviously ) everytime he feels upset/down/happy/whatever condition it is that triggers his button.

I want to be with someone who really loves me, wouldn't look anywhere else.

This is great. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and start planning your future with your children. Enjoy being single for a while, work out what you really want in a partner, someone who adds to your life (which is already whole and fulfilling) rather than detracts from it. Start setting that bar a whole lot higher. Next time you choose a partner, you don't want a fixer-upper, you want somebody ready and able to return your love and care.

I don't think anyone has mentioned it yet, but the term used on this board for a man who is living cheaply in the home of someone they aren't really commited to but are sleeping with is a cocklodger (not terminology I'd normally use . You may well find advice for dealing with these characters also applies to the man in your life.

Yes I've heard that expression, and it's what I feared.

So what happens now ?

You are his meal ticket.

He's been looking for other women to shag throughout your relationship.

And he's been boffing his ex.

He doesn't love you. He's just using you.

Why are you letting this wanker live in your children's house and spend their money?

He the cocklodger moved in with you and is taking up space in your home as well as spending your money. Some of them actively target single mums because they think they will have an easier life with such women (they hate all women actually).

As another poster correctly stated you want a partner, not a fixer upper. He was never your project to rescue and or save either.

This guy is a complete lowlife; get him out of your home and life asap. He is no decent role model for your children.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

When I try and tell him how hurt I feel, he says I need to get over it and move on.

He says this because he doesn't actually care. If he did, he'd be bending over backwards to fix things.

Tell him you have moved on and that involves him moving out.

Thank you for the book suggestion, have downloaded it. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Just wanted to update. I'm on holiday and my DP has been texting me that he can't live with the shame of what he's done and is packing his stuff up whilst we are away. He refuses to speak on the phone. I feel terrible.

Why do you feel terrible? You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Frankly, if he IS packing and moving then it's a godsend. But, I seriously suspect he is bluffing. Why? To get you to please with him to stay.

Don't do it!

Say goodbye, good luck (post your keys through my letterbox) and start afresh when you and your lovely DCs get home.

*plead!

Do you know what I have found is a huge red flag? - buying loads of self help books!!

WHY would we need to try and fix something, if we were being treated with respect and companionship in the first place?

Tell him to leave. Change the locks OP. You have done it before, it will be easier this time. You are worth SO much more than this.

Oh Red, you know that is just a bit of emotional blackmail, trying to get you to say "Oh dear, no don't feel like that, don't go".
Call his bluff, let him leave.

Are you sure he isn't going to OW and doing it in such a way he looks like a self sacrificing hero?

I was you a few years ago - my ex is a compulsive liar and played me off against his ex for years. He did all of the stuff yours does of making you feel somehow guilty for their shitty disrespectful behaviour. He used to make me think I was going mad! I used to check his phone emails etc because I knew something wasn't right. I got the courage to leave him almost 2 years ago (believe me 3 years before that he did the packing up and moving out while I was away with my son... Stupidly I chased and chased until I got him back)... The last 2 years of my life have been so wonderful - hard and tough and he was on one level such a lovely fun caring guy... But the drama has gone... The lies have gone... I don't have to constantly second guess what's going on... Please please please don't put yourself through anymore of this bullshit- it's no way to live...

Piffilato no I don't think so as she lives over 200miles away.
Thank you for sharing by the way fourbythree, that's how I feel.