How do you cope when DH is away all the time with work?

[radiatormesh]

Name changed.

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 5. Two children (3.3 and 8m).

He works in a job with crazy hours, and is generally away Monday through Friday, often on a different continent. Contact during this time is therefore minimal at best due to his meetings/time differences etc.

I stay at home with the children and am responsible for them, all kid-related things (doctor's appointments, sorting clothes etc), all the housework and everything else to do with the family (presents for people, booking holidays etc). Basically DH earns the money for the family and I do everything else.

I'm also trying to get another career going for when the children are in school but it's nigh impossible to get more than 30mins to myself in any one go.

At the weekend he's in charge of swimming lessons and then goes to a sports team Saturday afternoon. He generally works Sunday evening.

Recently I've begun to find this whole set up really really tough. I feel like we're leading totally separate lives, and even resent him being around when he is (it feels like the house is 'my' domain and I dislike him messing it up which I know is ridiculous but there we go. I also never know when he's going to disappear into the office to take a call, so I've stopped getting excited that he might be home soon/able to eat dinner with me). I'm scared that everything's just going to drift until it's too late.

So how do people do it? How do you cope and keep your relationship strong? Is our situation utterly ridiculous??

FWIW he loves his job. The money is great but that's not the main reason he does it. He's also excellent at it: very very good. He'd leave in an instant though if I asked him to, but I'm not sure I can do that.

We're living abroad so having family over to help isn't an option.

It sounds very similar to our set up.
My kids are older now, but it's been like this for years

I can't really say how to do it, but I understand when you say the home is your domain and him being there disturbs your routines

My dh has done a number of jobs, all involving travel, the worst was when the DC were 7,3 and newborn and he was working four weeks away, four weeks off. If get comfortably into my single parenting, then he'd come home in holiday mode, whip the DC into a frenzy as I was trying to get them to school

Heirs now away about one week in three

It's hard going, but the DCs are older now

I'm overseas too, have never had family help

Thanks Owl

So it sounds like you guys made it work if you're still together despite the years of this.

How did you cope? Did you rely on overseas friends?

And what did you do with your husband when he came back? Go straight out on a date night to get back 'in sync'? I find DH's first night back the hardest...

We had a huge fight last night during the night when both kids were acting up: I get very territorial when he tries to use 'his' strategies in an area I see as mine. Need to get over this...

I'd love some answers to this too.Im in the same situation and decided to take some unpaid leave-a couple of months.Dp didn't agree but I decided to take it any because I don't think I could give my all in the profession I am.I am just wondering about finances.Whilst I am not working I pay half the mortgage,playschool fees,anything the kids need,clothes etc and shopping during the week and heating oil .He pays for electricity and sky but says that this is a fair contribution as I get the child benefit and it was my choice to take the unpaid leave.

Dcs are 4 and young baby.Sorry to hijack your thread op

I also agree on the fact that you have to stop yourself from getting excited.For me at the end of a long week I think the weekends are going to be easier but they are harder.He has his lie ins and is critical of the things I haven't done.I am actually starting to look forward to Mondays

I'm another one living overseas and my DH works overseas a month at a time so I have no family close by (or within a 7 hour flight for that matter).

My DC are in school so I have time to myself. I just try to keep busy as much as I can but it's hard.

I know what you mean about when they first come back, it takes us a while to settle in again. We used to lock horns when I'd done something he disagreed with. It took a while for him to understand that because he's often uncontactable, I have to make the decision and if he's not able to help with the decision process, he's not to criticise what I do.

A relative of mine had this set-up.

She insisted that some times when her DH was at home were ring-fenced from work. She insisted that they socialised together at least occasionally (he would never have gone out if he could get away with it) so she didn't have to go to dinner parties etc on her own all the time.

They kept in touch very frequently by phone when he was away, and he spoke to his children as much as he could too. He was always good with his kids: did breakfast whenever he was home, liked to do a bit of gardening, took the kids to their stuff at the weekend and played sport.

But I think it was still a grind and quite hard on my relative. She used to ring me and beg me to go over sometimes in the evenings when she was lonely. I used to babysit for her so she could get out of the house and see friends.

I've spent my whole married life in this position.
It is very difficult when the children are little and it's very tough not to become involved in "right fighting" with your dh.

I found what helps me is to ensure I'm as fulfilled as possible, as soon as the dcs were old enough I started to study, work where i could and try to make as much as i could of my life independently.

I don't know anyone who's got it completely right ( this is why expat circles can be full of very unhappy people sometimes), it can be fun for 2-3 years but it takes a determined family to make a life from it. It is hard work, i suppose you have to really believe in your marriage and be bought into the situation.

As for the money situation Dr, we have a joint bank account and i spend what i like when i like ( within reason of course we are not rich or mental ), wether i work or not and even when i'm working it's a pittance compared to what dh earns. I would say your dp made the choice to be with you and have dc's, what the fuck is his problem. Bastard.

We had a ldm for ages. We would play in X box live together each evening to catch up on the day. So doing something together even though we were hundreds of miles away.

That's personal to us to keep us right. I do think making time for just each other is essential.. even if it's a date night once a month.

I feel you. my husband works long hours too & does extra on top as he is going for a regional manager position which will eventually mean him travelling 5 out of 7 days.

I'm a SAHM so he earns and I do the shopping ect. I was finding it really difficult as he travels away atm already but then... I'll admit it... I wrote a rota

what we were doing each day & what housework I was going to do. I stick to it. it includes mums groups, good shopping and a day out. so I keep myself busy.

it's a difficult one that will probably get harder but he loves his job also & just wants the kids to want for nothing- big softy.

My dh travels a lot and we live a long way from our (unsupportive) families, it comes down to a) build your friends network so you see someone friendly most days b) have time away from the kids to do your things, even of Sahm, dh accepts that most sahp have more support, you need to pay for it and c) re-train etc so you have an eye on what you'll do when kids aren't small, to give you hope, mental stimulation. And yes, my dh sometimes criticises/uses different strategies, ignore if possible they are trying to feel involved I reckon...

Thanks on your nelly.I wanted to have the extra time for a number of reasons.I chose the profession I am in with a view to having a family and being able to work.I'm in a permanent position -very lucky I know but I also worked hard for it.Im glad I'm not going back yet as baby won't take a bottle and breast feeds frequently during the night.I will never regret doing this as I feel very fulfilled int role as a mother .What I do feel though is resentful of how unsupportive my partner is

Hamster I agree your dh is being unsupportive, you should refuse to pay all the things he's telling you to pay for, or does he think that his contribution for the dc is nothing? Stand up to it, he is being v unreasonable...

dr yanu, your dp is seriously out of order. You are quite correct to feel resentful, it would be good if he changed his expectations to take into account the new family dynamics and his role as a partner and father within them.

Sorry op...not trying to derail...

Thanks for the advice.Sorry again op.Should have started own thread

I don't think you have to ask him to stop, but perhaps consider options for there being more of a balance?

I'm going against the grain here but I don't think it is sustainable for everyone. Different situation but DP and I lived in separate countries for just over a year and we only saw him every 3-4 months. I found it very difficult, and I don't think that my mood or my parenting was up to scratch for much of this at all. For some people they can make the sacrifice or manage well enough or find it gives them a sense of being needed, but it would not have worked for me long term.

What we have done since I have moved over is made more of a long term plan. Luckily for us DP's work is very flexible (it just happened to be abroad!) so there is a degree of being able to share responsibilities for things. I now work part time and he works full time but he usually takes DS to kindergarten in the mornings so he does the whole getting him up and ready part, and I have him in the afternoons. We're both around in the evenings unless I'm working.

I think if you're struggling it's not sustainable long term... you need to know what his plans are and if it's likely to change. It's not necessarily all or nothing - talk to him. Stress that you don't want him to give up working in a job which he loves, but you just want to know what the options are, both now and perhaps in a few years' time. Being a family is about making sacrifices sometimes, but it shouldn't be you making all of them. Look at the options and the long term potential effects of these options and see which one works best. It's much better than plodding along wondering if anything will ever change, because you know what it's aiming towards and if the current situation isn't ideal, it's still the best option you have because of XYZ.

My whole married life has been like this.Dh still consulting all over the world .Children now live all over the world too.I live in a foreign country.
It makes you self-sufficient,a great reader and an expert gardiner in all climates.
Easier now with technology than when they were small.Life is very short,so I try to suck up every possible experience with joy and wonder.
You also gain great pride in being the support behind a good career.

Nice post, gotthemoononastick

I spent too many years being miserable, what you've posted is what I now strive for.

get in some paid help on regular basis so you can devote time to you and your career . up to you if that is every day or two days er week or whatever.

DH was in the navy and away a lot. I got on with my life, and when he came home he was good with the children and I tried to enjoy that time. Sometimes I would be pretty resentful when the entire burden seemed to be on me. I worked ft, I had to try and go to assemblies, parent evenings, dr appointment, buy Xmas pressies...it was not easy. He was working v hard at the time, and very generous financially...

So now he has left the navy and has a job in the uk about 2 hours away, so still not great. My job now involves travel so he is seeing it from a different perspective.

We have APs and a cleaner...and have similar values. Don't know what the answer is, but I think you need to tell him you are struggling. At home alone with 2 toddlers nearly killed me. DH encouraged me back to work, and while life s no piece of cake, mostly it is fun.

Good luck.

Wow - what a lot of good advice and experiences to digest.

We definitely need to a) talk and b) throw money at the problem I reckon.

DH can't change his work situation for at least the next 10m since he's on a certain placement/contract, but then it's negotiable, so I need to think seriously about what I want from him. He has mooted switching to a four-day week, but I'd need to know that that would actually happen (or I'd just get excited about him being around Fridays and it not come to pass).

I'm going to look into putting the baby into some sort of childcare a morning a week when my older child's in school. Then I'd get 3-4hrs to myself to study/drink coffee/walk around without a stroller. As others have said, I definitely need to feel like there's a plan - an end goal for me - and that I'm not stuck in this forever.

DH will be pretty supportive of my decisions I think: his priority is definitely me/our marriage over his career, if it came down to it. I just need to present him with a blueprint of how I want things to look, rather than a wishy-washy 'things have to change'...

Please talk to your DH about how unhappy you are.

I just shoved it under the carpet and now after 11 years together, 6 married and 2 young DCs we are separating.

Get a life for yourself, but don't try and live a separate life. He has to feel supported too.

I think you're at one of the hardest times - with a small child and a baby. I found once the kids started nursery/school it was much easier to get a balance. I suspect this applies to anyone with young children regardless of partners working away but that adds a loneliness factor and not having someone to talk to. Great that you are thinking of a plan - even if it doesn't start for a few months until the baby turns a bit older or you get Childcare sorted it gives you a view on where things are going.

Good luck op, even two mornings might be good studying plus relaxing...don't forget to tell him that it's justified due to the reduced amount of partner support, logically my dh was relieved to be off the hook. He also couldn't do his job 4 days a week so think hard - can he switch off or is it going to be better to get paid help? Agree you are at hardest bit...

We had this for years. It's very, very hard, but you can do it. The isolation was the hardest thing for me, sometimes not seeing another adult for a couple of days was very strange.

I insisted that when he was home, he was home. No working from home (unless it was a bonus day that he would normally be away), no phone calls and no paperwork at all. Obviously there were a few time when it was necessary, but he tried very hard to keep it to a minimum.

As to weekends, they were family time. No outside sports, no going away separately, we had the two days together. We'd get the DC to bed and have either a takeaway or a special meal one of us cooked every Saturday, so we could talk to each other without interruption.

I hope you get sorted.