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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Parents have invited themselves to stay before Christmas again, last time we told them it didn't work

45 replies

DorrisM · 18/10/2013 18:07

Two years ago my parents said they'd come to us for Christmas Day on alternate years, that year they stayed with us until the day before Christmas Eve and then to friends.

We felt that it was just too much, that we hosted twice as on Christmas Eve DH's family arrived for a few days. We couldn't do any last minute shopping etc as parents were here, they don't lift a finger so by Christmas we were exhausted and felt we'd already done it all once. So at some point in the new year I told my mother that it didn't work for us and that they were always welcome to come for Christmas, but sort of come for Christmas or don't come at all.

Last year they came for Christmas Day so I've been wondering what they were planning to do this year, slightly complicated by them moving even further away from us. Yesterday DM mentions Christmas in passing on the phone, so I asked what she was planning. She said that they were spending the day with the friends and coming to us just before again, so I reminded her that we'd said it didn't work for us which she claims to have forgotten. She asked why and I explained that it was too much doing Christmas twice and hosting etc but she just said well you don't have to do a big meal we'll fit in. I tried explaining that we really didn't want to do it, but every reason I gave she just batted off.

DH and I really don't want then to stay in the run up to Christmas, they are hard work when they're here and we'll be busy doing shopping etc. I thought I'd been clear after last time but she doesn't seem to be taking no for an answer. They're arriving to stay for a few days on Sunday so I know she's going to force the issue. How do I stop myself agreeing to something I really don't want to do?

OP posts:
brettgirl2 · 18/10/2013 18:12

Well we have a premier Inn a couple of miles away?

ihatethecold · 18/10/2013 18:17

You have to stick by your guns, your an adult and shouldn't let your parents railroad you into something your not happy with.
Tell them it's Xmas day or nothing, if they won't come on Xmas day then leave it.
Enjoy Xmas on your own with your immediate family.

cjel · 18/10/2013 18:26

I think you are going to have to be brutal and just say'no you can't come'

Original poster
DorrisM · 18/10/2013 18:28

No is not a complete sentence to my mother. She never hosts anything or has people to stay so has no idea what's involved. When I said we were tired last time and felt that it was too much doing Christmas twice she just said well you don't have to do a big meal this time. Even though it was her who insisted last time. She's very good at getting her own way and finds it very easy to say no to things she doesn't want to do. She basically told me they were coming (uninvited) and then insisted when I said it didn't work for us.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/10/2013 18:33

Tell her you've been invited to friends for various dos and you won't be there.

Otherwise, 'Mum, I'm really sorry, but we can't do it then, we've go too much on. How about (insert more suitable date here)?

cjel · 18/10/2013 18:35

what about -'mum you are not listening you can't come'

GandalfsPointyHat · 18/10/2013 18:36

I feel kind of sorry for your parents... Do they have somewhere else to go?

wordfactory · 18/10/2013 18:36

Tell you won't be there. Too many prior commitments.

TalkingintheDark · 18/10/2013 18:42

Reasonable people don't make plans that involve other people without first consulting with those other people. Your parents have made their plans without consulting you at all, and totally regardless of the impact those plans have you (pretty big impact from what you've said).

The thing is, you do have the right to say no, you are just probably so worn down from years of them being unreasonable and I would guess ignoring your feelings and your wishes, if this is anything to go by, that you don't realise you can just say no to them.

You don't have to get their approval for your right to say no. You just have to believe that you are within your rights to do so. And also be prepared to handle the fallout that may result, in which they will very likely cast you as the bad guy.

You are not, of course; they are the ones behaving unreasonably.

Alanna1 · 18/10/2013 18:54

I feel sorry for your parents too. Can't you get them to help as part of the discussion? Set boundaries that way? I ask my PIL to do various jobs when they visit and delegate nearly all meals?

wem · 18/10/2013 19:01

I don't feel sorry for the parents. They were invited for Christmas day but they are going to friends. They can't just railroad OP into accepting a visit. To repeatedly hear reasons they can't come and keep batting them off, they really can't care at all about her wishes.

SanityClause · 18/10/2013 19:02

Gandalf, read the OP. they are going to friends for Christmas, so, yes, they do have somewhere to go.

SanityClause · 18/10/2013 19:04

The thing is, it's much easier to host after Christmas. Just before, every one is feeling festive, and big meals are expected. Just after, people are happy with lovely leftovers and a bowl of soup, and a nice long walk!

Perhaps suggest they come to you after they visit their friends.

Original poster
DorrisM · 19/10/2013 09:44

They have lots of places to go to at Christmas, I think they prefer going to their friends but feel they ought to come to us hence the alternate year plan. They've said that they like going to their friends because it's a more grown up day and at ours it's all about watching the children open their presents and they find this boring. Am I mad or isn't that part of the joy?

I suppose the thing I may be being unreasonable about is that we have made it clear for years that we don't want to do anything beyond the27th. DH is abroad a lot and this is the only time of year when we are all off work with no agenda so the two us and our dc's love to have a week at home just mooching about and being together. My parents will know that they won't be invited for after Boxing Day, which is probably a more sensible time. It wouldn't be the same with them here as they're very lazy, expect set meal times and I'm not relaxed around them as they'll find any opportunity to have sly digs at me. Perhaps IABU by saying Christmas Day or nothing.

OP posts:
cjel · 19/10/2013 09:52

I think if they find christmas day at your hard they should go to friends, but why should you have to get together over christmas at all? do something the week before when you just put decorations up or something. Remove the pressure of everyone having to have this big family time on those special days and just move it.They want what they want so why shouldn't you all have what you want?

loopydoo · 19/10/2013 09:53

I don't see why you can't be more assertive with them but I also think it would surely be nice to see them at some point.

So as you know what days they are free, just say "you can come on .....day, stay over night and then we are off to visit friends after that/before that".

Then, buy a few bits in and get her to help with the children.....let them go of to your local town whilst you wrap Xmas pressies or something. But explain to her before she comes, that you think they need to more than just let you do it all. Clueless you not book a meal out at a local pub to save you cooking. Or just buy a ready basted turkey crown from Tesco.

If chin don't get on at all, then tell them not to come but if you feel mean not seeing them at all, then you have to be assert ice as to the timings of it all.

Or you could what we are doing and book center parcs for the entire week of Xmas Grin

loopydoo · 19/10/2013 09:55

'Could' not clueless????

HorryIsUpduffed · 19/10/2013 09:56

Maybe suggest the weekend a clear week before? We've done this ("fake Christmas") with success as you have enough recovery time afterwards and before the day itself. So that would be 13-16 December ish this year. Tree will be up, mulled wine, Sunday roast...

IAmNotAMindReader · 19/10/2013 09:59

If its all you can handle then no its not being unreasonable at all. Tell her when she comes.
"You can't stay. As H has been away a lot this is the only time we have to sort Christmas or any other household things that have been put off. Even if you saw to yourselves with all the running around we have to cram in, it would still be too much. We will barely be at home, it will be too stressful for both of us we just can't do it. If you really feel you must visit then stay in a cheap hotel and we will phone you when we get a free few hours to catch up for dinner out somewhere nice and relaxed away from it all."

cjel · 19/10/2013 10:09

I think trying to explain won't work as OP said she just dismisses he views. say' No, not that day we can do 13-16th, 'then wait for yes or no, if no say 'well we'll have to catch up another time, sorry have to dash dc is calling me'!!!!!!!!!!!x

yeghoulsandlittledevils · 19/10/2013 10:09

I was going to suggest you book them in at a TavelLodge for a night or two before or after Christmas, but now I'm thinking you should book yourselves in!
Could you make it their Christmas present (or part of it) to book a them into a nice B&B or hotel nearby and they just go to yours for one meal on the way to stay with their friends? If they are not into seeing the children unwrap the presents, Or start a new Christmas eve tradition and go and see Father Christmas, long walk in the country/park or cinema trip, and book food out somewhere for one meal.

Or pre order your Christmas food and have it delivered on Christmas Ever or day before to save on shopping.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/10/2013 10:28

The trouble with giving reasons why someone can't do something they've set their heart on is that they will just knock your reasons down. Even if their counter-arguments are illogical they'll still feel they won the argument and will still do what they want unless you put your foot down and mean it. This is, of course, a lot less easy to do than to type, especially when it's your mother who has conditioned you to give in over your whole lifetime. The only excuse that might work is the "sorry, change of plan, we're going away for that week so we simply won't be here". Otherwise it's just the good old broken record technique: "That doesn't work for us."

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2013 10:37

Yeghouls, ordering the food to arrive on Christmas Eve can be very stressful. You can get replacements such as kippers instead of a turkey!

LunaticFringe · 19/10/2013 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thenightsky · 19/10/2013 10:43

Your mum's words were 'don't do a big meal' and 'we'll fit in'.

Take her at her word. Carry on doing what you would do, shopping etc. Leave them in the house while you do this, but show them where the fridge is so they can do themselves a bit of something to eat, make cups of tea and such, whilst you are doing things you need to do.

If they complain say 'oh I thought you said you were happy to fit in'.

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