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Original poster

Parents have invited themselves to stay before Christmas again, last time we told them it didn't work

45 replies

DorrisM · 18/10/2013 18:07

Two years ago my parents said they'd come to us for Christmas Day on alternate years, that year they stayed with us until the day before Christmas Eve and then to friends.

We felt that it was just too much, that we hosted twice as on Christmas Eve DH's family arrived for a few days. We couldn't do any last minute shopping etc as parents were here, they don't lift a finger so by Christmas we were exhausted and felt we'd already done it all once. So at some point in the new year I told my mother that it didn't work for us and that they were always welcome to come for Christmas, but sort of come for Christmas or don't come at all.

Last year they came for Christmas Day so I've been wondering what they were planning to do this year, slightly complicated by them moving even further away from us. Yesterday DM mentions Christmas in passing on the phone, so I asked what she was planning. She said that they were spending the day with the friends and coming to us just before again, so I reminded her that we'd said it didn't work for us which she claims to have forgotten. She asked why and I explained that it was too much doing Christmas twice and hosting etc but she just said well you don't have to do a big meal we'll fit in. I tried explaining that we really didn't want to do it, but every reason I gave she just batted off.

DH and I really don't want then to stay in the run up to Christmas, they are hard work when they're here and we'll be busy doing shopping etc. I thought I'd been clear after last time but she doesn't seem to be taking no for an answer. They're arriving to stay for a few days on Sunday so I know she's going to force the issue. How do I stop myself agreeing to something I really don't want to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

DorrisM · 19/10/2013 10:51

I just need to woman up. Although she said not to do a big meal and that they'd fit in, it's not true and it was them that wanted te big meal last time. They complained that one time they came to stay and we were busy wrapping presents, so they're changing the goal posts.

I think the idea of te 13/14th is a great one, so I'm going to try that option.

OP posts:

juneau · 19/10/2013 10:53

If they really, really won't be dissuaded, do as thenightsky says and take them at their word. Go shopping, go for Christmas drinks with your neighbours, run your errands, don't stock the fridge with special stuff for them, don't cook big meals for them - just do what you would've done anyway. If you go all out to entertain them every time they tip up they'll keep expecting it - so don't do it and perhaps next time they'll think twice about imposing on you when you've made it clear that you don't want them.

Original poster

DorrisM · 20/10/2013 19:33

Fgs they haven't even arrived yet and we're off to a bad start. They said they'd arrive at about 3 ish, only to send a text at 6 saying they decided to stop off at a friends for coffee and will be here for 9pm. Who arrives for a visit on a Sunday night anyway? Now the dc's will be late to bed and tired for school tomorrow. Honestly my parents are so self absorbed.

Am just ranting now, so feel free to ignore me.

OP posts:

yeghoulsandlittledevils · 20/10/2013 19:39

Doris Please tell me they are not planning on staying from tonight until Christmas! Is that what you meant by 'the run up to Christmas'?

HorryIsUpduffed · 20/10/2013 19:45

Put the DC to bed ffs. If you arrive at 9pm on a school night, you are coming to see the parents, not the children.

Shellywelly1973 · 20/10/2013 20:03

Definitely get the dc off to bed. Your parents can see the dc tomorrow.

Stop letting them impose... just carry on as normal& get your parents to fit in with you sometimes.

ThePinkOcelot · 20/10/2013 20:25

Op, put your DCs to bed. If your parents arrive at 9 and ask where they are, just say they were so tired and had to go to bed. Don't make them wait up. Your parents sound very self centred and selfish to me.

Walkacrossthesand · 20/10/2013 22:11

What PPs said. If you want to see young school-age children you arrive well before their bedtime. If you arrive after their bedtime they'll already be in bed. Pretty simple, really. Or, to put it another way - it's not all about them and what they want. Tackling these little rudenesses might help you tackle the big presumptions, like Christmas!

Original poster

DorrisM · 22/10/2013 22:35

Easier said than done with regard to the dc's staying up as they're 10 and 11 so bedtime is 8.30 near enough to 9 for them to hear GP's arriving, which is exactly what happened. GP's arrived shortly after 9 so the children got up and obviously wanted to see GP's so I had to suck it up or I was going to look like a loon. They started to discuss Christmas in front of the dc's, but I stood my ground and said that we'd love to have them for Christmas and they were always welcome to come (Christmas Eve until 27th or similar. That we understood if they wanted to go to their friends. However we wouldn't be doing two Christmases, they said it was fine, but were obviously not happy.

They then told me that they're staying until Thursday when the original plan was Wednesday. It is fine, but I do think its a bit rich to have not mentioned this before. It's tense while they're here and awkward and I'm counting the minutes until they go. DH had to go abroad for work today, they're more likely to start their digs in when he's not here, so I'm drinking lots of wine to get through.

I hope my dc's don't feel like this about me in thirty years time.

OP posts:

friday16 · 22/10/2013 23:04

They then told me that they're staying until Thursday when the original plan was Wednesday

So why didn't you say "no, you're leaving on Wednesday, as agreed"?

You can't complain your parents push you around when you let them push you around.

ProphetOfDoom · 22/10/2013 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/10/2013 23:20

You need to start managing them and not let them manage you.

Inertia · 22/10/2013 23:23

They sound very annoying.

I'd push for a weekend meetup a couple of weeks before Christmas too- could you meet them in the middle somewhere for an overnight hotel stay and pub meal out?

Xenadog · 23/10/2013 09:09

OP they treat you like this because you allow it. You need to be more assertive with them and spell it out what you are prepared to put up with and what you aren't. However there will be strops, falling outs and digs I imagine but better that than spend the next 30 years full of resentment and martyrdom.

You don't need to be rude to them but just explain you have plans (don't need to share them) and that you can only see them at a mutually convenient time.

Once you draw boundary lines you will feel more confident but asserting yourself initially, I imagine,
will be difficult. Maybe read a book on how to be more assertive - pick up some tips you can use on your folks.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2013 09:26

"DH had to go abroad for work today"

I may be a suspicious old cow, but I can't help wondering whether he volunteered for overseas duty knowing his PIL were visiting

Mellowandfruitful · 23/10/2013 09:36

2 ways to go. Either 1) tough it out and keep saying 'no, that doesn't work for us' broken record style, or 2) ignore all complaints while they're there. Since they have said they will fit in, this is your broken record while they're staying 'Well, I did warn you. You said you'd fit in, so this is the way it is'. Don't cook - suggest they go and get cooked chicken from the supermarket, order pizza, eat toast, whatever.

It is hard to get used to doing this but you have to work on it. Some good assertiveness books are:

Anne Dickson – A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You

Manuel J Smith - When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (this includes the ‘broken record’ technique, though you can also google to get info on this – it’s a very good book overall for those who have a tendency to feel selfish over enforcing boundaries)

diddl · 23/10/2013 09:40

TBH, I don't get the "won't be doing two Christmases".

If they visit before Christmas-it's just a visit, like they are doing now, & you make as much or little effort as you want imo.

If you invite for Christmas & they decline, why do you do "two Christmases"?

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 23/10/2013 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 23/10/2013 10:33

OP - At what point are you going to start using the word 'NO'?

They can't treat you like a doormat unless you insist on lying down.

friday16 · 23/10/2013 11:17

I may be a suspicious old cow, but I can't help wondering whether he volunteered for overseas duty knowing his PIL were visiting

It would be hard to blame him. His in-laws are rude and overbearing and his wife won't stand up to them. He probably feels that doing the standing up himself is unlikely to end well, so accepts that Christmas (for example) is going to consist of his in-laws dominating the proceedings and his wife feeling resentful while not doing anything about it. Obviously on this occasion it's a coincidence, but it would hardly be unreasonable for him to feel pissed off that his in-laws' demands come ahead of anything else.

OP: "No" is a complete sentence, as is "fuck off". Your parents need to be told the first, and failing that the second. Their bad behaviour is their fault. Their bad behaviour affecting your family is something you can easily resolve.

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