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Original poster

Sex after an affair

45 replies

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 12:28

I found out earlier this year that my 'd'h had been having an affair - I was devastated but he did finish with the ow immediately. Life at home has been pretty intense since then. Initially things were terrible - they improved in August and then since September are bad again.
At the start we did have lots of sex .. Or should I say 'hysterical bonding' on my part. In fact he waxes lyrical about how good it was. For the last 3 weeks or so I have completely gone off the thought of sex. The last 2 times we dtd I had pictures of him and her in bed together running through my head and I just felt so miserable.
Now I know he is frustrated. He has a high sex drive but I just don't want sex at the moment. He complained last night and thought I should give him hand jobs instead. Frankly I do not want to and I told him he should just go and masturbate in the bathroom. Am I being unfair on him? What can I / we do to get our sex life back ? I do find him attractive and do enjoy sex .. It's just my anger with him and the persistent flashbacks of what happened that are completely turning me off ?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 12:32

Unfair?? Hmm This is the way the process works. You get the shock and grief of finding out about the affair, then the 'hysterical bonding' phase of the relief that he's staying rather than leaving you for the OW..... then you have time to process your thoughts, the immediate pressure is off and guess what.... you realise you're married to an arsehole. The anger at having been taken for a bloody fool is quite natural and normal and (newsflash) it may never actually go

He thought you should give him hand jobs. Says all you need to know about the value he places on you as an individual. Hmm

AuntieStella · 18/10/2013 12:34

Hysterical bonding is a phenomenon unconnected to actual reconciliation, and no indicator of whether a relationship ever can or should be saved.

Once it has passed, you're looking at something utterly different - true reconciliation. Which is damned hard.

You'll only get your 'real' sex life back if you get your relationship back. Are you sure you want a reconciliation with him? What is the current state of the wider relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 12:36

Let me guess.... the reason he got together with the OW was that you weren't putting out enough at home...

Tulip26 · 18/10/2013 12:40

Have you thought about councilling? It sounds like you still have a lot of anger towards him, I would be angry too. You can't just 'forgive and forget.'

As for the sex, what is he doing to earn it? Does he bring you presents or make you feel special or valued? Even just an unexpected hug or making you dinner when you've had a long day goes a long way towards beginning to repair a relationship.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 18/10/2013 12:43

Does he acknowledge the reason you've gone off sex? He's brought this on himself. Why is he complaining that he doesn't get enough sex now? He should be feeling guilty that he's put you off him, not moaning at the lack of intimacy.

Hand jobs are selfish. Unless you also take pleasure in them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 12:47

The complaining and the hand job demands mean the DH here thinks the OP should have 'got over it' by now and start catering to his high sex-drive the way she did when she thought her world was falling in. That goes beyond selfishness and into utter arrogance...

Original poster
Justconfused · 18/10/2013 12:50

Well he did actually complain that he wasn't getting enough sex pre affair - I would dispute that to be honest. A lot of his affair was about his sense of entitlement , narcissism and an ego massage to be honest - he has actually admitted this .. Then last night the topic of sex came up and I think he is sulking
He has been making a massive effort to be honest - he is full of remorse and has gone for individual counselling re all that has happened etc. We had one marriage counselling session and I refused to go back as I feltthe counsellor was trying to get me to accept responsibility for his actions. She kept going on about the affair being a symptom and 'd'h clung to that.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 12:52

All that massive effort, remorse and counselling... and he's sulking, demanding sex & clings to the affair being a symptom. Sorry, but he came back on his terms, didn't he? Nothing's changed for him.

Original poster
Justconfused · 18/10/2013 12:54

I think you hit the nail on the head cogito when you say he thinks I should have got over it. It has been about 6 /7 months since I found out and he keeps going on about the fact that it was a long time ago.
Re hand jobs I think he feels that it is important to him and that I should be doing something 'nice? for him to rebuild things too ( yes i know I know ! You don't have to tell me what an idiot he is )!

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/10/2013 12:59

What a total shit he is.

A truly repentant man, who was genuinely sorry for the pain he had caused you earlier THIS YEAR would not be demanding hand jobs from you.

That is just vile.

He is treating you as a sex object.

When he should be showing you how much you mean to him.

Although I guess he IS showing you how much you mean to him - you're either a hole or a hand.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 12:59

The word I'm thinking is a lot worse than 'idiot'. I'm worried that you feel you're obliged to forgive and forget and that you're reproaching yourself for feeling angry and being unable to get past it. I worry that you accept this 'high sex drive' thing and have rationalised that he was justified in getting it elsewhere. I'm not getting that he's genuinely sorry at all.

Also - being brutally honest - very concerned that he finished with OW immediately. That's is so often a set-piece in affairs - the dramatic 'it's all over OW and I'm going back to my DW' moment - that it's almost a cliché.

AuntieStella · 18/10/2013 13:05

If you are (truly) reconciling, then yes both partners need to be 'nice' to each other - because you are rebuilding something you want rebuilt.

Do you think that's really what you want? It doesn't sound to me as if you are sure. And lack of desire for physical intimacy might be a symptom of not really wanting him at all.

Original poster
Justconfused · 18/10/2013 13:07

I do not feel obliged to forgive and forget at all. His selfish actions have destroyed our family I feel. However I do want to get past this and we are going to go to another counsellor ( not Relate who were dreadful )
I don't think he was justified looking for sex elsewhere. I do think he has an unhealthy attitude to sex though and needs some tpe of individual counselling to deal with this.
Cogito why are you concerned that he finished with the Ow so quickly ?

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/10/2013 13:07

Being "nice" to each other doesn't include having sex when you don't want it or being expected to provide masturbatory services in lieu of sex when you aren't in the mood.

AuntieStella · 18/10/2013 13:08

I don't think anyone would say being 'nice' encompassed that, JoinYourPlayfellows.

bestsonever · 18/10/2013 13:09

Urrgh! just instant yuck at your DH's attitude to what he's done. Total lack of respect in the bedroom.
Think I'd be tempted to say something like "TBH, since you've shagged someone else I find you a turn-off these days and would rather be with someone else who's worthy of what I've got to give". Hmmm, maybe not everyone's choice of phrase though.

Chubfuddler · 18/10/2013 13:11

Why do you want to put so much effort into fixing this when it is clear he doesn't? What's in it for you (and please don't talk about your marriage vows or shared history, I'm talking about what benefit you envisage to your future in staying with him?)

Original poster
Justconfused · 18/10/2013 13:11

AuntieStella - you are right - I am not completely sure about reconciling with him but I have had 7 months of this dithering and am sick of it ! I feel obsessed by the decision making process. I started taking anti depressants a few weeks ago and they are starting to 'help? me now. I feel a lot stronger about myself and my ability to cope on my own with my dds. I have started to think about divorce quite seriously but also am aware that I would like to give counselling another go

OP posts:
BrianWont · 18/10/2013 13:12

You could always try to get past this by dumping his sorry arse, OP.

Just a suggestion.

BrianWont · 18/10/2013 13:13

Sorry OP - cross post.

I'd seriously consider ditching this horrible, selfish, entitled and arrogant specimen.

Hand jobs indeed. How many handjobs did you get while he was bollocks-deep in another woman?

You need to get ANGRY now, not depressed.

Original poster
Justconfused · 18/10/2013 13:16

I don't feel depressed now nor am I angry to be honest. I am just confused and fed up with the situation

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 18/10/2013 13:17

It's Ok to dither for as long as you want. This is a huge, life-changing set of circumstances, and something that (I'm guessing) hit you out of the blue.

Making an active decision to try one more round of counselling might be necessary for you, so that you know, absolutely know, that you tried everything. It might lead to a path to choose to reconcile, or it might give you even more strength to plan a life away from him and start to live it.

BrianWont · 18/10/2013 13:21

OP, in your first post you said you were angry with him, but over the course of the thread you have minimised that emotion.

Time to start expressing some of that (entirely justified) anger to your fucking awful husband, perhaps?

Original poster
Justconfused · 18/10/2013 13:22

Auntie Stella - thank you. I just wish I could have a lightbulb moment and know what to do. Seven months is just such a long time ( or so it seems) to be thinking about this .. I feel absolutely obsessed with it ( rehashing how I found out etc ) and trying to make a decision to divorce or stay. It is with me from the minute I wake up until I sleep and I am just sick of it

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 18/10/2013 13:23

He's not giving the impression of someone who is full of remorse and desperate to keep his wife. He's giving the impression of someone who feels certain things are his due, and if he doesn't get them he'll go and find them.

Someone on here once called me (rather nastily) the poster girl for reconciliation, and I do often argue the benefits, but only if real changes are made. I'd be very wary myself. Reconciliation is bloody hard, even when the offending party is falling over themselves to put things right. When they are being an entitled knob I'd say it's nigh on impossible.