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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex after an affair

45 replies

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 12:28

I found out earlier this year that my 'd'h had been having an affair - I was devastated but he did finish with the ow immediately. Life at home has been pretty intense since then. Initially things were terrible - they improved in August and then since September are bad again.
At the start we did have lots of sex .. Or should I say 'hysterical bonding' on my part. In fact he waxes lyrical about how good it was. For the last 3 weeks or so I have completely gone off the thought of sex. The last 2 times we dtd I had pictures of him and her in bed together running through my head and I just felt so miserable.
Now I know he is frustrated. He has a high sex drive but I just don't want sex at the moment. He complained last night and thought I should give him hand jobs instead. Frankly I do not want to and I told him he should just go and masturbate in the bathroom. Am I being unfair on him? What can I / we do to get our sex life back ? I do find him attractive and do enjoy sex .. It's just my anger with him and the persistent flashbacks of what happened that are completely turning me off ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 13:24

Brianwont - yes I have shown him plenty of anger - don't worry about that. I feel I am heading towards indifference now

OP posts:

BrianWont · 18/10/2013 13:25

Great! Indifference is even better - it means you are nearly free of him.

Reread your first post OP and really think about the view this man has of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 13:38

"Cogito why are you concerned that he finished with the Ow so quickly ?"

Because it's a very pat set-piece, usually done loudly in full view of the spouse and often as a smokescreen to the affair continuing.

Original poster

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 13:54

Cogito I do know it is over so am not worried about that. I am more concerned with how easily he dispensed of her. I said this to him last night it was just like he had flicked shit off his shoe. He said that my discovery of the affair had been a lightbulb moment for him ie what the hell am I doing ? He risked so much for anow he did not give a damn about - which makes me question his attitude to women. But I guess this can be all brought up at counselling.

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Chubfuddler · 18/10/2013 13:55

It might well be brought up in counselling. If you got straight answers I anticipate you won't like them.

TBH it's all sounding like such hard work for very little benefit.

Original poster

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 14:02

Another concern for me is my ambivalence - could the ads be causing my indifference .. Am i really 'me' at the moment ?!

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Chubfuddler · 18/10/2013 14:28

By the time my marriage ended I was frankly pretty indifferent. I had been treated so badly for so long I just didn't love my husband anymore. I didn't even hate him. I simply didn't care.

That was a little bit frightening after 15 years together.

But he'd crushed it. Not me but my love for me.

Chubfuddler · 18/10/2013 14:42

*him

He hadn't quite crushed my love for myself. Nearly.

Lillygolightly · 18/10/2013 14:50

Justconfused

It is normal to feel the way you do right now. It takes more than a few months to get over and affair and the hysterical bonding phase can be very misleading emotionally. This can lead him to think that things are/will be fine if not better than before...perhaps he even feels that it validates his actions further in the sense that you woke up to the fact that his sexual needs were not being met and are trying to satisfy him better. The problem is as you have said, is once this phase is over your left with the reeling emotions that you could not quiet process at the time. It is quiet normal to not really feel true anger and hurt over the affair till months later. You go into survival mode and your trying hard to protect what you feel is yours....problem is your often fighting for the booby prize.

My issue with this is not what you are going through (as I think it's completely normal) but it is how is responding to it. Like other posters have said he feels he is entitled and is making you feel guilty over the sex rather than supporting you and understanding. You are not denying him sex out of cruelty, you are going though emotions that even while he may not completely understand he could at least sympathize with you.

It really takes an awful lot of time to get past the mental images of him with the OW....it tortured me for what felt like an age. It is also a gradual process and does not happen overnight and only happens once you being feeling secure in your relationship again. He is a key factor in all of this, if he can't make you feel secure you are unlikely to get over this together.

I don't doubt that sex is uncomfortable for you right now as I am sure when he does a certain thing or touches you a certain way you find yourself wondering...did he do this with her, was he the same with her, was she better than me, did he enjoy it more etc etc. These are horrible feelings to have to endure because you can never know, and he is likely never to tell you how it really was even if you have discussed it. It takes a long time and you cannot force yourself there, but you eventually get to a point where you accept that it happened and as much as it hurts your decide to just let it go because its not worth dwelling on anymore. You will get there one day, but he has to help you through if your going to get through this as a couple.

I feel your pain and I wish you good luck for the future

AuntieStella · 18/10/2013 14:55

The betraying partner is damned if he finishes it promptly (despite all the standard advice that the affair must end immediately and full NC if there is to be any chance of saving the primary relationship) and definitely damned if he doesn't. And 'sharing' any heartbreak over the end of the affair with the faithful partner is definitely a self-indulgent no-no. There is absolutely no way the betraying partner can appear anything other than a shit about the affair and the manner of its ending.

Yes, counselling might help you explore that, and everything else about the affair and what 'value' he put on that compared to you and your marriage.

And if you're worried that the ADs might be altering your judgement, take more time. There is no set schedule to say how long it 'should' take. It's OK to let it take as much time as you want it to. You're beginning to want resolution, one way or another, and it doesn't matter how long it takes for that to crystallise into a decision and a plan.

str8tothepoint · 18/10/2013 16:22

Why did you chose to take him back when reading this just points out you don't want him no more and more importantly don't need him. He is just a cock who thinks with his cock, dump him and get someone who deserves you

Original poster

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 16:50

I am still with him as we have been together for 13 years - have 2 DDs who would be devastated if we split up - also we have had loads of good times together. It is the first time he has done something like this. I want to give him a second chance. When he sulks about lack of sex though I feel like decking him

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Chubfuddler · 18/10/2013 16:52

You need to think about the future not the past.

saintlyjimjams · 18/10/2013 17:01

The indifference sounds rather as if you no longer love him. Having 'won' him back you've found you do 't actually want him.

Personally I'm not surprised, but you may feel differently in 6 months time.

Another bash at counselling might be good as your reasons for wanting to make it work sound sensible. But if he has killed all feelings you had for him don't feel guilty about moving on.

Putitonthelist · 18/10/2013 17:01

OP you don't stay with someone because you had loads of good times together. He should be kissing your feet for giving him a second chance not asking for a hand-job. He sounds horrible.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 18/10/2013 17:05

You're married to an entitled, egocentric narcissist who cheats on you. No amount of good memories is going to change that fact. I honestly think your ambivalence is due in part to the fact that you feel you should try again rather than want to, and his total failure to accept the consequences of his actions.

Original poster

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 17:10

Yes I do question if I still really love him. It's possibly just strong feelings for him as the father of our DDs. I do think he understands the consequences of his affair.

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SawofftheOW · 18/10/2013 17:30

Oh OP, it's 2.5 years since I found out and I still rehash it, go over it, envisage them together, exchanging every kind of intimacy. Believe me, seven months is nothing!
Most of the books about the recovery from an affair suggest that it generally takes AT LEAST two years to start feeling 'better'. And if it gives you any hope, I am getting SO much better but like you it has been a complete roller-coaster of emotion ranging from murderous rage to total broken-ness and everything in-between. AD's, which I didn't begin until a year into the post-discovery horror have helped enormously. And you are not alone in your feelings about divorce - I went through a very intense feeling that I wanted to do that (after, as Cogito points out, the initial relief that he hadn't left phase, but now it is the last thing I want.
However, my DH has never told me that I need to 'move on' or 'get over it' - he has owned the responsibility and bent over backwards to support and reassure me. We have had many difficult conversations and terrible rows, but it is getting better. We are kinder to each other and both try very hard to remember what we both nearly lost. Our counsellor told us that the 'move on' response from men stems from their desire to make it all 'go away'. They have put it behind them, totally, in a way that we can't as we weren't a volunteer for this disaster in our marriages. Your DH knows that a world of shit and pain still awaits him while trying to sort out the problems in your relationship his selfishness has caused, so he is trying to 'normalise' your lives, hence the desire to resume your sex life.
I try and blank the thoughts about him and her sexually - it is almost impossible early on (ie seven months!) but it gets less intrusive in time. I'll never be totally without it though. He knows it and I know it. But in sum the pain I still endure I accept as part of the grieving process. I've lost my 'old' marriage and got a different model now. I'm glad we are still together.
Thinking of you and holding your hand x

SawofftheOW · 18/10/2013 17:36

Brilliant post by LillygoLightly and spot on by worsestershiresauce.

Original poster

Justconfused · 18/10/2013 18:48

Swaofftheow thank you so much for sharing your experience. I thought I was going mad feeling so upset by everything after 7 months. There is such a slog ahead of us !

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