Aaaaaargh!!! Why does she not hear me?!

[cuppachai]

This could be long. Trying not to drip feed so here goes.

DPs moved when we were young, 250miles form our hometown. Every school holiday / special event was spent travelling back home to see family. We travelled A LOT.

When DD was born, they decided to move back home. I am now in a situation where we have to travel THAT journey all over again with my DD. We also have DPs visit as regularly as they can manage.

They just don't seem to realise what a strain this puts on me. (Why? when they went through it themselves?!) They always used to complain of the journey, of the staying over with relatives and especially the pressure that was put on them by family to be there at Christmas etc. Once we moved away, we never had Christmas at home, we were always travelling up and down the country.

Now my DPs want to visit us as much as possible. If DM had her way it would be every 2 weeks (at one point it was, and sometimes she still manages this). It is too much for me. We live in a tiny, 2-up 2-down house, with a tiny kitchen. The amount of stuff we have in this house is overflowing and I do the best I can to control it but I always feel I am losing the battle.

When DPs come to visit they take over the house. There is nowhere for us to sit when they are here, they always bring bags of stuff and piles of newspapers and use every cup and dish in the house. They have to have the right food bought in, the tea is never satisfactory, the cereal bowls are the wrong size, the cups are not fine bone china, always something.

Over time I have managed to combat these little things (bought smaller bowls, more china mugs, make sure I have the right biscuits, plan meals etc). However their visits always take planning and shopping for etc. I get easily stressed by it, especially at times when I am really busy with work and have little time to prepare.

I work from home and this half term is a busy time so I specifically said a number of weeks ago that this half term was not good for a visit. Sometime later I was asked again could they visit on X particular day, I said no that I had an event and it would be too much. Asked again, could DM not help with event. I refused at it wouldn't be a help to have visitors at that time!

A couple of weeks later I am asked again, but not asked really, told. 'We're coming the following day, your event is finished by then isn't it? so that's fine' I feel as though I have no choice but to agree, even though, their visit is now going to add to all my work stress and give me extra to prepare for. I have now just been informed that their plans have changed again and they are coming for 2 nights.

This happens frequently, they never seem to take into account that I might want to have a weekend where I have nothing to plan for. I have never actually invited them visit once, because they are always there telling me when they are coming. I've never had the chance to even think about it. When they are here, they ask us on the spot when they can come next, and get the computer out to start booking hotels. We can never think about it and let them know.

Why does DM not hear me when I am saying that this week is not a good time?!

I would imagine they think that by staying in a hotel they are being fantastically considerate (and they do have a point there). But I do sympathise.

Look at the calendar, ring them back and say 'Having thought about it I still feel it's not the right time that week, there's just too much happening. Let's talk about the 10th of Jan instead?' You get to 'not listen' too. Jump ahead and start offering weekends that are more on a timetable you would like

They're announcing the visit rather than asking your permission and you feel you have no choice but to agree... when, of course, you have every choice. However, it involves being very direct, very blunt and risking confrontation. 'Hello parents... this weekend is not convenient & I'm cancelling'. You just have to keep saying that until they get the message. As for asking when they can come next, be direct there as well even if you are on the spot. 'Stop booking hotels. We have a lot in the diary and we'll let you know'

Yes, I do appreciate them staying in a hotel. Physically no room to accommodate here, however it used to be that Dm would come and stay on her own on a fold-out and insist on sleeping of DD's floor. I had to ask for those visits to stop because it was literally all the time, on school nights, and it was too much.

Their staying in a hotel is only the a bed for the night though and the rest of time is here.

I don't want to sound awful and as though I don't want them to visit, I just want to the pressure to be off and be able to have more choice in when they come.

You're both absolutely right I need to be more forceful in how I respond, somehow I feel as though I'm always put on the spot and can never refuse.

That's just guilt and the natural deference kids have to parents - however old they get :) Guilt IMHO is for the birds. Your house, your family, your rules....

Why don't you ask them to meet you half way, the ether children for a few days and let you get on with stuff?

The guilt is a big factor. They are great parents and very supportive etc. I never want to seem ungrateful, but I end up storing up the stress about visiting and coming across as really stroppy.

I never enjoy visits as I am already stressed out about not having had a choice in it. :/

I could cry about this next visit. I am going to be so busy next week right up until their arrival, I could really do without it. I think the reason I am ready to chuck a wobbly about it is that I deferred DM 3 times about that particular weekend. 3 times! I am worried that the only way she will hear me about it is if I am blunt as you say, or worse blow a fuse.

That never works in itself as I just end up upsetting her and trying to make it up.

filee - the pressure is constantly on to let them have DD on her own but I think she is too young and am not comfortable with it. They ask her to come in front of me as though to try and get their way and I can't refuse.

If she's not bothered about upsetting you, you can't afford to be bothered about upsetting her. Tact, charm, persuasion, respect and all the other reasonable tactics are simply not working because she's not listening to you and not respecting your wishes. So you have to go on the offensive, even if it means ruffling feathers. Line in the sand time.... choose between yet another stressed out upsetting visit or a put-out parent.

I think you need to have an honest chat with your mum.

Tell her the pressure you feel, the lack of family time, the pressure to organise food and having to plan it all. Tell her the stress is making you ill. You have a house and family to organise as it is and it would be nice to have a free weekend to yourself. Reassure her that you love them and love that they make such a huge effort but you want to relax a bit! I would suggest once a month to them. They have to understand that you have a life outside seeing them.

Could you Skype with them help them feel involved in the space between visits. hth

Oh, they've heard you alright. They're just ignoring you. Be firm, because if you let them get away with this they will do it each and every time. They will nag you/bully you into submission because they know that eventually you will give way.

(Sadly, it seems you have to treat them just like children here!!!!)

One thing I have learned about boundaries is that if you say no and then let someone do something anyway / tolerate the crossing of tbe boundary they stop hearing the no.

Don't prepare for thier visit, when they turn up just say I havnt had time, can you do xyz please

Too passive jojane.... That's hoping someone gets the hint when, if the OP is to be believed, these people are hint-proof & choosing to ignore anything that doesn't chime with what they want to do.

you know, I think you should rethink your ideas about your parents.

You say they are great parents and very supportive. They are not.

They are pushy, demanding and rude. They have criticised your domestic arrangements, right down to your choice of tea and crockery. Your DM insisted on sleeping in your DD's room, on school nights, presumably disturbing her. She undermines you by asking your DD directly if she would like to come to stay with them.

They don't care about what you want, how much pressure you are under and what family and social arrangements you have made. All they want is to do what they want, when they want. How is it supportive to be pushing in, constantly inviting themselves and not taking a step back even when you have made it clear that you are too busy to have them visit?

No wonder you feel under pressure!

It's a rock and a hard place. I either choose the stress or the causing offence and possibly argument.

I cannot avoid this weekend as I should have been more insistent before now. However NEXT time I will have to grow some balls about it and set out new ground rules. Again.

They only ever think they are trying to do the right thing, staying in a hotel etc, but I am obviously not being forceful enough about how I want to be able to decide about visit times.

Sometimes I do think they are being manipulative and demanding, but again - they just don't see it that way or realise that it is having that effect on me.

Finding a way of being forceful enough to get the point through, without upsetting them or being hurtful or ungrateful is the hard thing.

Need to go out, but thank you all so much for comments and encouragement. Just posting about it here has let off some much needed steam! I will be more assertive!

If your parents are so intent to seeing you it's a shame they moved so far - or maybe it's a good thing otherwise they'd be round all the time.

What does DH think about their visits? Does he have family members who place similar pressures on you?

Of course you want to be hospitable as for any visitors, but I really wouldn't go to extra expense making things nice for DPs, they will just have to "rough" it.

You may feel more relaxed about DD staying with them at the hotel or even 250 miles away when she is older. She is your child though so it is your and DH's decision to make. Same with any other DCs.

Are you an only child, btw?

The thing about a parent who does not listen is, they will always think they know best and you owe them. For all the huffs and sulks if she feels slighted, I bet DM would not stay away for long. So why not risk every now and again saying, "When I say a time is not convenient, I am busy, I shall not have time to entertain you, come over if you must but I must work/have other plans/cannot be available then".

If you can bear it, look at a calendar, pick two or three definite dates every 6 months and give your parents those times and say are you able to come then, that would be great. Then they have dates to work with asnd to anticipate and look forward to.

The difficulty with being far away for controlling personalities, even caring ones is that a kind of terror develops that you will be too busy or disinterested to care about keeping in touch so I agree with PTFP something like Skype will be a big help if you set that up.

It may be too late to do anything about them coming this weekend, but it's not too late about setting some rules in YOUR home.

Don't let them unpack all their rubbish everywhere. Get a box/bin bag and put everything of theirs in it as soon as its' been put down.

If they say anything just keep repeating 'I'm sorry, I simply cannot function in this mess. It needs to go away'.

DON'T plan the weekend. They can take you as you are. Seriously, if they complain about something point out that THEY insisted on coming this weekend. You TOLD them that it wasn't convenient. Who knows, it might actually teach them a lesson.

(Oh and I'd bin all the crockery and things you bought specifically for them. It's YOUR home and if they don't like it they can sod off back to THEIR home....)

donkeys - DH feels the stress of it also, but I guess not as much as me as I take more of it on board.

I feel as though much of the strain is the physical distance they have moved, this is a real frustration to me, as THEY decided to move, but I am the one who must deal with the pressure of that long distance relationship.

It's interesting that you ask if I'm an only child, as I wondered if some might assume that from this situation. I do have a sibling, but there is nowhere near as much pressure put on them for these visits and they probably visit twice a year. They live even further away, and do not have grandchildren for them to visit. This is also a massive frustration for me, because I feel like all the onus is on me. My DB has none of the pressure.

I understand their desperation to keep as much contact as possible with DD, but it feels like it over-rides any consideration of what might be good for me.

We do have Skype and should do it more often. After school, homework, dinner and bath, time runs away from us pretty quickly and we end up not doing it. (also DM was keen to do it so much, and phones often too - DD sometimes doesn't feel like doing it, the novelty has worn off etc)

DIY - I think they'd think I'd gone completely barmy if I did that! I do often get stressed and chuck a wobbly though so maybe not ;)

I agree with hellonheels that they don't sound like great supportive parents at all. They clearly just want to see your DD, which is nice, except that they don't seem to have any consideration for you at all. What makes you say they're "great"?

I agree with hellonheels that they don't sound like great supportive parents at all. They clearly just want to see your DD, which is nice, except that they don't seem to have any consideration for you at all. What makes you say they're "great"?

I think you've been incredibly accommodating towards them with regards to things like the cereal bowls etc. I would laugh that kind of thing off. Genuine question, not rhetorical - why have you even bending over backwards so much to please them in the past? You can stand up to these sorts of day to day things without it hardly being noticed or causing a scene.

I agree with DIY - simply get on with your own weekend as if they weren't there - if you're going somewhere that they can come (eg supermarket) invite them to join you; if you get 30 mins to put your feet up don't feel obliged to 'entertain' them, etc. If they comment - wheel out DIYs brilliant remark, 'I told you this weekend was inconvenient, it was you that insisted on coming'.

They are great for many reasons, they would do anything for us, I know we could turn to them if we ever needed to. They are incredibly kind and I know they want the best for us all.

I bend over backwards I guess because...they are reeeaaally particular and I find it easier to accommodate these things than listen to the 'oh, we don't like this' kind of comments.

Example: DM Will say, 'Don't worry, you don't need to buy all sorts for us coming' so I do buy bits and bobs but don't go as overboard as usual. She feels hungry and I don't have anything for 'afternoon tea'. I offer biscuits (the kind she used to buy when we were kids) she says 'oh, no. I don't like those.' She tells me I don't need to buy cake for them coming, but if there is no cake for afternoon tea then it's a problem.

It's laughable I know! But that is how they are.