Aaaaaargh!!! Why does she not hear me?!

[cuppachai]

This could be long. Trying not to drip feed so here goes.

DPs moved when we were young, 250miles form our hometown. Every school holiday / special event was spent travelling back home to see family. We travelled A LOT.

When DD was born, they decided to move back home. I am now in a situation where we have to travel THAT journey all over again with my DD. We also have DPs visit as regularly as they can manage.

They just don't seem to realise what a strain this puts on me. (Why? when they went through it themselves?!) They always used to complain of the journey, of the staying over with relatives and especially the pressure that was put on them by family to be there at Christmas etc. Once we moved away, we never had Christmas at home, we were always travelling up and down the country.

Now my DPs want to visit us as much as possible. If DM had her way it would be every 2 weeks (at one point it was, and sometimes she still manages this). It is too much for me. We live in a tiny, 2-up 2-down house, with a tiny kitchen. The amount of stuff we have in this house is overflowing and I do the best I can to control it but I always feel I am losing the battle.

When DPs come to visit they take over the house. There is nowhere for us to sit when they are here, they always bring bags of stuff and piles of newspapers and use every cup and dish in the house. They have to have the right food bought in, the tea is never satisfactory, the cereal bowls are the wrong size, the cups are not fine bone china, always something.

Over time I have managed to combat these little things (bought smaller bowls, more china mugs, make sure I have the right biscuits, plan meals etc). However their visits always take planning and shopping for etc. I get easily stressed by it, especially at times when I am really busy with work and have little time to prepare.

I work from home and this half term is a busy time so I specifically said a number of weeks ago that this half term was not good for a visit. Sometime later I was asked again could they visit on X particular day, I said no that I had an event and it would be too much. Asked again, could DM not help with event. I refused at it wouldn't be a help to have visitors at that time!

A couple of weeks later I am asked again, but not asked really, told. 'We're coming the following day, your event is finished by then isn't it? so that's fine' I feel as though I have no choice but to agree, even though, their visit is now going to add to all my work stress and give me extra to prepare for. I have now just been informed that their plans have changed again and they are coming for 2 nights.

This happens frequently, they never seem to take into account that I might want to have a weekend where I have nothing to plan for. I have never actually invited them visit once, because they are always there telling me when they are coming. I've never had the chance to even think about it. When they are here, they ask us on the spot when they can come next, and get the computer out to start booking hotels. We can never think about it and let them know.

Why does DM not hear me when I am saying that this week is not a good time?!

In my house, I would point them in the direction of Tesco Express! Not in a rude way, just a simple statement of fact. I still don't understand why you treat them like royalty, they are only your folks, in the nicest possible way.

I know. I think because they command this kind of treatment?! I get really mad when I hear it, but I know for a fact that my aunty has bought fine china mugs especially for when DM visits, their friend - who gets nothing but criticism (and I am tired of hearing them criticise her) has bought a teapot and loose leaf tea for their visits even though she only uses teabags herself!

DM will ONLY drink champagne. When she used to visit more frequently on her own, I would buy the best sparkling wine I could find, £10 a bottle prosecco / vintage cava. She would make a point about not liking it by going down to the local SPAR for something innocuous and coming back with a bottle of Lanson.

If you go to someone else's house and their tea isn't like yours, you should just deal with it! That's why home is so great because everything is how you like it. I would never say to someone else in their house, your tea isn't how I like it. You just drink it don't you? same with whatever wine is offered etc etc....

Urgh, they sounds horrendous tbh. Actually I think you should grow some balls now and phone up and say actually no they can't come as you had already told them it's not a good time.

It would drive me insane!

ah. I feel bad. I'm only giving the negative side of things here. They do do so many wonderful things and are so lovely in so many ways.

The major issue has been the stress over the visiting etc which I realise I have to be more assertive about. I just wish I didn't find myself in this position and that they could realise how much pressure they are putting on me - especially as they went through it when we were kids.

They are just completely tunnel vision about seeing as much of DD as they can.

You need to say.....

......wait for it......

Did you mean to be so rude?

< marks my mn bingo card. I only need a LTB now......>

Good god! If anyone - anyone at all - turned their nose up at booze I had provided when they forced their visit on me, and said "I only drink champagne" I would laugh in their face and tell them where to get off.

Let them buy cake, fizz, bring thier own cups if they really can't cope with yours. In fact, I would ensure there were only builders' cups at mine after that, and massive bowls.

"they would do anything for us"

Except postpone a visit that you had told them wasn't convenient?

Sorry OP, sounds pretty stressful.

To me it sounds as if your dp feel incredibly guilty about moving so far away so feel the need to smother you with their visits.

I suppose this will become easier the older your DD gets, they can then maybe take her out for the day. How old is she btw? Is it impossible for that to happen at the moment?

I agree with the smothering, but not because they feel guilty, it's because they themselves are desperate to spend time with DD.

I feel as though they didn't consider fully how much they would feel like this until they had moved, and now it is me who has to deal with the consequences of it.

It exasperates me, that they went through it all themselves, the travelling and the pressure of visiting, when we were kids, and they were NEVER expected to manage it as frequently as they want us to do it now.

I'm fine with the fact that they moved away, they are much happier to be back home, but I just want them to not make me be the person who deals with the fact that they feel like they are missing out on DD. They moved, it's their sacrifice, not mine.

I don't mean to sound bitter, I'm really not, I'm glad they are happily settled in a place they love. I'm unhappy that they want to visit far more frequently that they ever thought was necessary for us to see our grandparents when we were kids, AND they announce their visits instead of asking if it's a good time for me or not.

I have to say, it does seem to me, with this weekend in particular that they don't care if it's a good time for me, so long as they get to see DD when they want.

I could deal with all the champagne and tea hoity-toityness if I was allowed to be involved in the decisions about when they come. I really have been completely ignored this time.

I think you need to have a full and frank talk with them. Remind them of what it was like for them when you were children, and how often you saw your gps. You do need to tell them that you have to have a say in when they come.

I agree with Jux You really need to have a frank talk as this cannot continue. If they insist on visiting do they have to stay with you? You say you have a small house and it sounds as if you are all 'on top of each other' as it were. Could they stay in a B&B? At least you'd get a break from them when they were there.

I had an issue with my mother when I worked from home. "Working from home" for her was a euphemism for "has lots of free time".
It so wasn't free time!
but she thought it was and, while she didn't randomly and excessively visit me (ha! Far from it), she just expected me to be able to go to their house, get xyz from the shops, or do some other time-consuming favour for her.
Getting it through to her that I had work to do simply did not compute.

So. Since you're supposed to be working, I would suggest that you tell her you won't actually be around, as you have to be "on site" (or whatever works for you in your line of business) and will not be in. Because you're WORKING.

DM will ONLY drink champagne.
my aunty has bought fine china mugs especially for when DM visits
their friend - who gets nothing but criticism (and I am tired of hearing them criticise her) has bought a teapot and loose leaf tea for their visits
Who are these people that so many of their friends and family are cowtowing to their behaviour??

Why are you not standing up to them, Cuppa? Is it just because you don't want to appear rude? I'd give it a try if I were you - you never know they may have a little more respect for you if you do.

By not standing your ground letting them face the consequences of their behaviour you're only legitimising their approach. Why would they behave differently when they always get their way.

You are currently trapped in the belief that you haven't found the right word combinations to convey how their behaviour negatively impacts on you. They do hear you, they just don't respect your opinion if it conflicts with theirs. For your parents "they would do anything for us" has earned them the right to ignore you. Hints and subtlety hasn't and will not work on them because their belief in their own self importance is very strong. They walk all over you because they can and you let them. How long before their tried and tested behaviour gets directed at your children and their opinions and wishes are ignored.

Pegfreak - it sounds so ridiculous doesn't it?! But everywhere they go they demand the tea to be exactly how they like it at home. DM insists on filling our kettle from the water filter and suggesting that the kettle has limescale. The water is from Wales. There is NO limescale!

Isetan it's what you have said, in a nutshell. They have done so much for me, and are very loving parents, I feel as though I can't do anything that would risk upsetting them, even though it is at my own expense.

I have tried to get my feelings across without confrontation but it just doesn't work. I am so stressed out that it has to be down to me to bring the whole thing up as a big issue, which may cause disharmony, and I will inevitably feel like I have to apologise.

I think they think that if they don't pressurise visits, that they will never see DC because we wouldn't get around to inviting them. I've never been given the chance to ever suggest a visit, they're always on it before I've even had a chance to check my calendar.

If they backed off a bit, I'd be able to enjoy their visits. But as it is I just feel pressure pressure pressure. And whilst they're here, the pressure is already on about the next visit.

Cuppa I do think you would be better to do something sooner rather than later because it's not going to get any better, is it? If you wait until you're so stressed that you throw a wobbly you will feel that you need to apologise (which would be a backward step!) whereas if you have a bit of a plan about what you want to say and do it, calmly, at a 'neutral' time your parents should actually listen to you.

You say they moved back to their hometown when your DD was born. Was that timing just a coincidence, do you think? Have you ever asked them, when they're pestering you for the next visit, if they have thought about moving closer to you again?

I know you say your parents are loving and whatnot but they do sound stifling and needy to me, in this respect.

As for the tea thing, that's just downright rude!

I actually think you've got some pretty major issues going on with your parents, but you just haven't realised it yet.

They moved in a 'it's now or never' kind of thing. Now they've moved they'll never move back, it was a last chance type of thing. For the longest time we were considering moving there as obviously I have a lot of family there etc.

It was only when I realised that my reasons for wanting to move were not the right ones that we changed our minds. I wanted to move because I felt stressed all the time about the distance and the visiting, I wanted to put an end to it. I didn't actually really want to move there, it just didn't feel right and then I realised why I was doing it.

But everywhere they go they demand the tea to be exactly how they like it at home.

They can demand all they like. Your mistake is in giving in to them.

Now's the time to give those bone china cups and dainty little bowls to a charity shop. Get in whatever you would for yourselves and a bit more of the same stuff to account for two extra mouths. That's the extent of trouble you need to go to.

Work out an itinerary along the lines of : 10am we arrive at your hotel for coffee followed by shopping while you take children to the park. Lunch at local cafe.

Complaints? Far too busy to stop and listen.

I wonder if you need to change the way you say things. At the moment, it sounds as though you're saying things gently so as not to cause offence.

So, for example; 'Half term really isn't convenient for me...'

Becomes 'No, I can't do it. We'll do X weekend instead.'

If she is delivering things as a 'this will happen', then that's what you need to do to.

The having DD alone thing; 'We've discussed this and it's not going to happen until DD is at least 10. We'll revisit it then to see if she's ready.'

Any counter arguments can be met with 'I appreciate that, and we'll certainly consider it when she's 10.'

From what you're saying, I'm not sure she's doing this in a mean way. Just that she knows how to word things to get round you. I think you need to learn this skill in reverse.

If she is actually going to lose her temper and yell at you if you do something like putting their rubbish in boxes, then you need to rethink again. If she's going to shout because you don't live in the precise way that she wants, then it might be worth considering whether you want to keep the relationship going. I certainly think you should stop pandering to her whims (china? she can get over herself there).

She would never yell at me or lose her temper.

It's more that she will be outraged that I have even suggested that she has done whatever it is, and get angry/tearful. How can I possibly think that etc, so I end up feeling like the bad person.

I remember distinctly when we talked about half term some time ago I said quite firmly, that no, that week is not going to be a good time, I'm going to be very busy. When the Friday (last day of term) was suggested I said absolutely not (quite firm I think!). When asked again if she could come and help me out I said no, very firmly, and that it wouldn't be a help.

2 weeks later she phoned and said 'we're going to come on the Saturday'. Then the other day 'we'll be staying on Sunday too' in a hotel yes, but I still have to host and essentially give up my space. When I will have had a really full-on week, leading straight into more work the following week. No-one even considered to ask, 'have you made plans for Sunday?' No. Just, 'we're staying Sunday now too'. And the irony is? DH had made plans! But hadn't even had the chance to discuss them before he got back from work.

I should have done what many of you have suggested and phoned back later that day and said, actually this isn't going to work for me after all. I will be doing that in the future when I've been caught on the hop or pressurised into saying yes before I've even had the chance to think about whether it will be a good time for me.

There is never any mean-ness (word?!) in anything they do, I'm sure of that. They just don't see me or hear me because they are just thinking about spending time with DD.

It's more that she will be outraged that I have even suggested that she has done whatever it is, and get angry/tearful. How can I possibly think that etc, so I end up feeling like the bad person.

That sounds to me like your mum is playing you - she's coming across as all sweet and innocent while completely ignoring your wants or needs so she gets what she wants, her granddaughter. It doesn't sound very healthy to me.

I think if you want to improve this situation you really are going to have to Stand Up To Her. Do not feel pressured into saying yes. Next time she goes on and on perhaps you could ask her if she heard you saying no.

She IBU!

I'm so glad you've posted this, I've had such similar difficulties! Can I recommend this book ( hope the link works).

Seriously, I can relate to the newspapers, china/wrong mugs (some of ours are chipped, how dreadful) wrong tea, booking in the next visit whilst still on this one (we removed the calendar from the kitchen wall as if we had a -deliberately - free weekend it would get booked by dps and no excuse allowed of us wanting time just 'for us'. Like you, it was largely about seeing dcs and they wanted it to be fortnightly. It got very difficult for me to see my friends because with work being so busy with overtime and seeing them so often, I just couldn't find the time.

Two things i'd say: just to get through this particular occasion, would you be ok with them looking after dd for a bit (eg taking to the park) so you can get some things done? I've found I feel very different and more able to be patient if I get a bit of spare time to get things sorted (things for me like next weeks clothes so I don't have it hanging over me for Sunday eve etc).
Secondly, you need to actually talk to them directly about this. You need to do it the next time you see them and not chicken out. You're right that they've got the experience to be able to understand. Now it may be that it's deliberate on their part or it may not be something they've thought about consciously, but if you spell it out, and it carries on then you have every right to blow your lid. And they won't be able to pretend otherwise.

It's worth reading the whole book, but in a nutshell it says to work out 3 things: what's the problem ( succinctly), how does it make you feel, and what do you want to change. If you answer these questions, and say essentially these things, you can confront the problem without - as the book says - damaging the relationship. Seriously, have a look. It's worked pretty well for me

And a warning - I allowed things to get much worse before I said anything, because it did just progress slowly from the sorts of things you've said to worse. they had taken to just arriving - including when I'd actually said no because we were having building work done. And then staying in a hotel and saying - well we're visiting the area, not you, we know you're busy. Although we might pop in. (Obviously this turned out to be most of the weekend). Similarly at Christmas, when we were alternating between them and the in laws, and we'd been to them the year before, but they booked to stay nearby for the week.
Tackle it head on - wish I'd had the balls to do it sooner!

I still have to host
It is not as if their visits are so rare you only see them once in a blue moon. It would be rude or thoughtless if you invited them then changed plans and fixed alternative plans or ignored them. Rather like steamrollering over their diary and being demanding .

You say the apple of their eye is DD. If she is the object of their attention let them see her at the hotel but don't keep waiting on them hand and foot. You didn't drive them into exile they moved of their own free will I take it. Of course you all want to keep in touch and see each other from time to time. It is hard jumping through hoops when keeping your own family happy.

You said on Friday, "They would do anything for us". Except it seems accepting you are adults deserving to decide for yourselves how you spend your time.