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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What Should I Do?

35 replies

needssomesun · 18/10/2013 10:20

I don't really know where to start with this so I'm sorry if I ramble or miss information out.

DH and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 DC, we've been having problems for a few years now, started off with nothing major really just general resentment from him not pulling his weight around the house etc. We had counselling a few years ago which seemed to help but if I'm honest I think it only really papered the cracks.

In the past DH would pester me for sex and grab at me constantly at times which really put me off having sex with him, mainly this has stopped now but he does get moody with me if I don't want it when he does. I'm at the point now where I'm just not attracted to him anymore, I'm fond of him, I love him like a friend iyswim. I can understand that when you've been together a while it's not like it will be in the beginning, but there should be something, shouldn't there? I can't get my head around having a pretty much sexless marriage for the rest of my life.

I swing between thinking he's not a 'bad' man and I'll just have to learn to live with it and thinking there's got to be more to life than this! I'm so unhappy as I can't seem to make a decision which is affecting my sleep and I'm just knackered and miserable. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

needssomesun · 18/10/2013 10:49

Anyone?

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 18/10/2013 10:54

I'm not surprised you're not attracted to him - doesn't pull his weight in the house and gets moody when you don't want sex.

Given that you've already been down the counselling route, I would be looking into separation.

On a practical level, half-term is coming up, any chance of you going away with the children for a few days (to your parents? a friend?) to give you some thinking space?

scallopsrgreat · 18/10/2013 10:54

I am not surprised you aren't attracted to him. Someone who doesn't do his fair share and then demands sex when he wants it and sulks like a toddler if he doesn't get it. No my idea of a lover or attractive partner. He is like another child to manage and quite frankly you probably don't need that shit!

What do you want to do?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 11:01

Don't know how long you were together before marriage or how old you are now but that low-level resentment, sexual incompatibility and vague misery you describe - to me at least - is a sign that the relationship has simply run its course and possibly wasn't built on very strong foundations in the first place. Baldly, the choices in front of you are

Do nothing... try to learn to live with it, lead a more independent life from him and sink further into depression (don't recommend it)
Persuade him to change.... which I think is a non-starter given the counselling experience
Force him to change.... a risky option that involves laying down the ultimate threat of divorce and seeing if it shocks him into some kind of action. Assumes you would like to stay with a changed him, of course, which doesn't seem a given from what you've written
Be honest and instigate the change... if you can't see a future in it even if he changes personality, then better to be honest & cut your losses rather than hold out false hopes

Good luck whatever you describe

Original poster

needssomesun · 18/10/2013 11:05

To be fair to him, he has picked up now with doing his share around the house but my feeling haven't changed and I really don't think they will. I Still get the moodiness and PA comments regarding the lack of sex.

I want him to leave but I'm scared about the future I suppose, and think is it fair on the DC to change their lives over something that feels selfish? He doesn't want to separate...

OP posts:

Original poster

needssomesun · 18/10/2013 11:09

We was together for about 4years before we married and I'm mid-thirties. I guess we're at number 3 at the moment, he knows how I've been feeling like this & this is the reason for him starting to do more around the house and with the DC. I don't suspect it will last tbh.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 11:10

Everyone in your shoes feels the same things. a) It's not that bad really, b) I'm just being selfish, c) the kids don't need the disruption and d) being independent is scary.

What I'd say in response is that another 20, 30 or 40 years of this is just a crappy life and it's not selfish to reject that. Kids are resilient and can handle a bit of disruption. Being independent is very challenging in a lot of ways, but it's a damn sight more rewarding than feeling trapped.

Northbynorthwestnorthernline · 18/10/2013 11:13

Oh needs I really feel for you. I am in a similar position although without a history of the sea pestering. Doing Relate at the moment but I feel more like it is highlighting our differences than giving me the impetus to work through them.

I am full of resentment and anger towards him as he has been immature and selfish and just don't know if I have the energy/will to re engage with him and wonder if I would be better off alone.

As Cog says the choices are fairly bald. I feel depressed at the thought of divorce and depressed at the thought of staying with him. I know that if I want put then I have to be the bad guy as like yours he doesn't want to split.

It's a hard place to be.

Northbynorthwestnorthernline · 18/10/2013 11:14

Sex pestering not sea pestering! Oops!

BearsBeetsBattlestarGalactica · 18/10/2013 11:16

Sounds like how it was with my STBXH

As you can see we split up.

'The relationship has simply run it's course and possibly wasn't built on very strong foundations in the first place' is EXACTLY what happened with us. Wise words, Cogito

Original poster

needssomesun · 18/10/2013 11:21

I'd also agree with it not being built on strong foundations. I wasn't in a great place when we met and we were engaged in days from meeting (alarm bells, anyone?).

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 11:33

Big shiny alarm bells :) That and the physical thing tbh. It's just an observation on my part but I have a feeling that when the main thing that brought you together is sex - when you have very little else in common - the relationship will hit the skids the minute one or other party moves away from wanting it twice nightly.

FrancescaBell · 18/10/2013 11:46

I'm interested in what's prompted you to want to deal with this now?

Has anything changed recently? Have you met someone else? Might your husband have met someone else?

SarcasticMrKnowItAll · 18/10/2013 11:55

Several reasons to be honest, this has been going on for a long time but the stress of not knowing what to do is getting to me, I'm not sleeping, I keep getting random illnesses where I'm so run down, I feel like I need to make a decision. There is someone else that I'm attracted to, nothing will ever happen with this person for many reasons but just being so attracted to someone else isn't helping matters. I've been feeling like this for longer than I've been attracted to this guy so I'm confident he's not the cause iyswim, rather I'm attracted to him because of everything else.

SarcasticMrKnowItAll · 18/10/2013 11:55

Oops name change fail there

FrancescaBell · 18/10/2013 12:04

Ah, I thought as much...

Are you going to let your last posts stand?

Only saying that because I recently responded to a post that was subsequently deleted but mine wasn't- and my post therefore looked totally bizarre and random

SarcasticMrKnowItAll · 18/10/2013 12:09

No, I'll leave it. Just one of many silly mistakes I've made lately!

FrancescaBell · 18/10/2013 12:30

Oh yes I believe you when you say some of these feelings are longstanding, but you're not daft are you and you know that when you start fancying someone else, everything about an existing partner and the relationship past and present gets a bit distorted?

So as long as you acknowledge the truth of that and don't dismiss it, it might still be possible to look at this objectively.

What I see from what you describe is mutual resentment. If he's failed to pull his weight for years it's hardly surprising that a few token efforts now aren't going to have miracle eraser qualities on your resentment. I'm not surprised you're resentful about the sex pestering, but I never think this behaviour is actually about wanting sex. It very rarely yields it and if it does it's coerced and secured under duress. So it's not that he wants sex or thinks it's likely. What he wants is a refusal so he can hold it against you, add it to the resentment pile and use it as a justification for his own bad behaviour.

If you'd said he'd met someone else instead of or as well, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Did any of that come out in your couples counselling?

SarcasticMrKnowItAll · 18/10/2013 12:42

I've often wondered about the pestering and the reason behind it and think you've probably hit the nail on the head.

Believe it or not, sex was barely mentioned during our counselling, he focused more on my confidence issues and his stress/narkiness.

FrancescaBell · 18/10/2013 13:29

Oh I can believe that about the counselling . I've never had any myself but I've been aghast at some of the posts about it on MNet recently, especially Relate.

Do you think a different sort of counsellor might help, or have you given up and aren't wanting to try any more?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/10/2013 14:30

Someone else that I'm attracted to I'm glad you mentioned that because this is the part where you're walking too close to the cliff.

Everything else you started talking about leads now to this. DH doesn't know you are distracted by that other man but he might sense something different's afoot. You say nothing will come of it but you'll be comparing DH to him, you'll find fault with him. If you are distancing yourself even subconsciously it wouldn't be surprising if he picked up on it and reacted.

babyseal · 18/10/2013 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/10/2013 15:01

If you are stressed and miserable and have felt this way for some time it is not like you would be ending the relationship on a whim. Keeping it going purely for your DCs' sakes will backfire.

SarcasticMrKnowItAll · 18/10/2013 15:29

I keep thinking I need to keep trying, but I've been doing this for a couple of years, at what point do you give up?
Do you think it affects children more if they're younger or older?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2013 15:36

I think it's easier the younger they are because, for very small children, what is normal is what we tell them is normal. I think they are more adaptable as a result. The older they get, the more they've formed strong views about what is right and wrong, the more they take sides, the less flexible they are about change.

I'd think less in terms of 'giving up' by the way because it suggests that this is solely yours to either pass or fail. It's really not.

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