What Should I Do?

[needssomesun]

I don't really know where to start with this so I'm sorry if I ramble or miss information out.

DH and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 DC, we've been having problems for a few years now, started off with nothing major really just general resentment from him not pulling his weight around the house etc. We had counselling a few years ago which seemed to help but if I'm honest I think it only really papered the cracks.

In the past DH would pester me for sex and grab at me constantly at times which really put me off having sex with him, mainly this has stopped now but he does get moody with me if I don't want it when he does. I'm at the point now where I'm just not attracted to him anymore, I'm fond of him, I love him like a friend iyswim. I can understand that when you've been together a while it's not like it will be in the beginning, but there should be something, shouldn't there? I can't get my head around having a pretty much sexless marriage for the rest of my life.

I swing between thinking he's not a 'bad' man and I'll just have to learn to live with it and thinking there's got to be more to life than this! I'm so unhappy as I can't seem to make a decision which is affecting my sleep and I'm just knackered and miserable. Thoughts?

The longer you leave it the more the risk he will realise you are distancing yourself and if he then meets someone else things will get messy.

Addressing a situation and coming to a conclusion is not giving up, it doesn't automatically make you the bad guy.

Men manifest their love for a woman through the physical act of sex. When a man wants to have sex with his woman it is his way of saying that he loves her, that she is his mate and love of his life.

Denying a man sex is denying him the ability to express his love. It is cruel.

I am not saying he is right and you are wrong. I am just pointing out the importance of sex to a man within a relationship.

Any woman who rights off a man's sexual advances as "He just wants one thing" neither understands men or their needs or, more importantly, how men express love and need to express love.

Equally tawse57before and after this expression of love, there are jobs to see through, in and outside the cave home. As well as the demands of salaried work there is grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning to do and if there are children around there is childcare. Inbetween work and play there are humdrum mundane things to do. Sexual appetites may wax and wane but it is tricky feeling sexy and playful if you feel tired or taken for granted and like it's another expected duty.

OP you said he doesn't want to separate and he has picked up on how things are and he has started to pull his weight. Which is good but possibly comes too late.

Maybe next time with a new partner he will start differently and put this into use sooner.

To paraphrase an old song, one of you changed or maybe both stopped trying... you'll have a happy future but not together. Be glad for what you had and how you once loved each other.

Been there got that t-shirt. His dog on heat act killed what little intimacy that remained. He did very little in the child rearing and home making dept but I was expected to put out without complaint or expectation of enjoyment.

It was like wading through treacle, the constant circular discussions were exhausting. I had essentially become a single parent and he would rock up on weekends expecting me to be a sex toy/ domestic goddess. The truth is, for all his enlightened man talk, he both expected and resented the traditional gender roles and I became the scapegoat for this.

Resentment kills relationships: when you lose respect for your partner and guard your emotional and physical self around them then the relationship is over.

What is it that they say, "We have two lives, the second begins when we realise we have only one".

Ignoring the very strange bloke who's just come on with a post, I think it's entirely possible to give up unilaterally and would even say it's okay to do that. For example in some relationships, it wouldn't matter how hard the other person was trying or how much he loved you- if it's not working for you, ending the relationship and therefore giving up on it is a valid choice.

In this instance, it sounds like you've tried to make this work but you've got to the point where you don't think it ever will. That's okay- you don't need anyone else's permission to feel like that.

Sure, it's understandable to want to try everything when there are children involved, but in answer to your question I'd guess that younger children are probably affected less negatively- but a lot depends on how much money there is to go round and how well the adults parent singularly.

One of the potential risks of jacking this in is that it's one barrier removed from starting a relationship with this other man and although you don't say what the reasons are for this not being a realistic proposition, if he's attached himself that could be a road to hell.

I think once you've started fancying someone else, it must be hellishly difficult to be objective about how bad things really are at home, so if you're concerned about that, is there any way you can avoid this other person in an attempt to get your objectivity back?

If on the other hand you're certain this is how you feel, it is okay to call it a day.

dog on heat act

What an apt description!

I think the way you describe your unhappiness says it all, really. You are so unhappy you can't 'just learn to live with it'.

Unfortunately, there's no chance at all of avoiding the other person, he is attached but that's only one of many reasons. I suspect that if things were over with dh, this 'crush' would fade away pretty smartish.

Unfortunately, there's no chance at all of avoiding the other person, he is attached but that's only one of many reasons. I suspect that if things were over with dh, this 'crush' would fade away pretty smartish.

I'm glad you know it's just a crush. :) I think crushes exist to remind us that we're not dead yet. Happily married or otherwise.