Cheating what would be a deal breaker for you?

[Tweetypie27]

Having been cheated on in the past my ex had emotional affairs and cyber sexing with women he knew. I ended marriage because of this I've been told by others as it wasn't sexual contact I should have forgiven what would you forgive ?

I wouldn't forgive an EA or Cyber Sexting. How on earth could I respect him again?

I expect more, good for you for feeling the same way.

It doesn't matter what exactly he did or didn't do, what's important is what was behind it - ie his attitude to you and your relationship. There's no point in kidding yourself if his heart's not in it, there's no respect or trust or love, otherwise it's not really a relationship, you're just there to iron his pants or whatever.

Others have very different (lower) standards to you. Who are these others exactly? Family members putting pressure on you to stay married? Something like that?

Multiple affairs, both emotional and sexual?

That would be far beyond breaking my deal.

Don't mind these mad eejits.

It's what you feel that matters- not what your friends feel.

But I'd add that no one really knows until they have to make that choice. A very close of friend always said that any infidelity would be a deal breaker- 100% sure of it. When it happened it wasn't- they had counselling together and are working on the marriage almost 2 years later. When it came to the decision she couldn't throw away 25 years on the basis of his fling. So that's why I say don't ask other people because they may believe one thing but what they'd choose in reality may be different. It's how you feel that matters.

Yes cog I was put under pressure that it could of been worse he had one cyber sex affair where he actually arranged to meet a girl at local chippy and go back to her house she didn't turn up he said he walked away and couldn't go through with it but I spoke to her and she said he was ringing her mobile but she didn't answer as she backed out in the end.
He messaged my friend not a close friend but still a friend told her she was fit asked her to meet up etc I read it all told her we slept in separate bedrooms and we didn't have sex all bollocks!
The last one was when I was pregnant he said he had feelings for a girl at work I found the texts messages he owned up but there were other messages to other girls in between flirtatious ones.
Also a kiss one of his work parties with a 19 year old girl but he pushed her off. I always wonder of there was more most of this I found out I wonder of there's stuff he never owned up to.

His defence was he didn't sleep with them so that's ok then. Some people think I should of gave him another chance as he's perfect in other ways he's now living a pathetic life begging me to take him back it's been near on six months now. Now the fun is over he's doesn't want these other women anymore he crys on the phone weekly but I never back down I've been called a cold selfish bitch by numerous people but he knew how I felt about faithfulness when we married I could never go back it could never be the same again this was someone I thought adored me as did everyone else just goes to show never trust anyone 100%

But who are these 'some people' saying this? What is their motivation for wanting you to waste your life with a cheat?

His family a few of my friends have said it and a few mutual friends their like but you were made for each other can't you work it out etc etc
Err no I can't actually when you think someone is totally dedicated to you and then you find out they have been living a double life it hurts more than I can ever say. I don't know how he looked me in the eye everyday whilst doing these things the cyber sex affair went on for weeks and weeks and then he played the doting dad with me and the kids.
He plays the victim well though even my mom felt sorry for his pathetic little face a few weeks ago.
To me once someone betrays you like that it's gone and dead you don't forget it I don't see how you can.

wow, if theyre not deal breakers then thats pretty sad. What a horrible man he is.

my dealbreakers are lying and disregard for my feelings.
sexual infidelity isnt necessarily a deal breaker for me, but emotional infidelity certainly is, and being a lying wanker.

Bran hit the nail on the head it's the lies and deceit that are the worst part of it. Wouldn't believe the Lord's Prayer coming out of his mouth.

I'm just amazed at what some people will put up with just to keep the family together. I've got no money now he hasn't given me anything in months but I've got my dignity and a lying tosser with a severe porn addiction to boot out my life I'm not staying with that just for my kids sake even if it was the easier way.

While you've got your dignity, you've got everything in the world. Family and friends can go hang. Always trust your judgement because, even in the face of all this pressure, you sound like you've got it totally sorted. That makes you very special! :)

Thankyou Cog that means a lot to me :)

I think you sound amazing. What lucky children you've got, having a mother like you

Thankyou Pepper I don't think I am in his eyes I've broken up the family and I'm the bad one but it means a lot thankyou

Integrity... that was the word I was looking for and failed to find earlier. When you have the courage of your convictions to hold to your own standards & morality that's 'integrity'.

Thankyou cog

We are all behind you tweetypie. The world needs more strong women like you :)

Wow! I'd be gobsmacked at anyone who put up with all that - you'd have to be a complete idiot mug. These people telling you to get back together, I bet you if it was them in this position, there's no way they would have him back, he sounds beyond awful. Well done for having the appropriate amount of self respect and kicking the bugger out.

Thankyou everyone he text me yesterday his hairs falling out and it's my fault it's laughable I could of lost my unborn son because of his lies and I'm meant to care about this why? He's on antidepressants and the doctor wanted to section him on Monday wonder how try that is mmm

True*

Should we compromise and put up with more when children are involved? Absolutely not! We should teach our children that that kind of behaviour, which will always result in a stressed family dynamic, is not to be tolerated at all. When sexting others, you are not devoted to your family as you should be. His problem now and that's just tough, it's not as though you didn't already give him every chance but he's a multiple offender!! (personally, he'd of been gone the first proof I had, respect is everything).
Nobody likes to see someone they know being sad, however, so not surprising his mates and family feel for him, but their agenda is to see him happy not you. 'Other's may just see that dad is not at home and feel sorry for the DC, but ignore as they don't see it's the same dad that went around causing an untold amount of heartache and angst in your family life.
Now he's feeling sorry, is it for himself? Can someone like him who repeatedly does what he did suddenly have a light-bulb moment and change? I doubt it, it was all instant gratification to meet his needs, he may not ever have the capacity to put others first before himself because personality rarely changes if ever and this is his showing itself.
Well done you, onwards and upwards from here :-)

Oh, so the consequences of his actions are all your fault? Even more of a catch than I thought. Eugh, you are well rid.

Well done you, tweety, yes cog has it right, you have your standards, dignity and integrity. I couldn't ever trust again after all that you have listed, why should others expect you to?

Ignore his pathetic "this is making me ill" pleading crap. It may escalate, (my friends husband claimed he had a tumour ffs) but just ignore.

Before my h cheated on me I thought that I wouldn't accept any infidelity other than a one night stand.

He had a physical and emotional affair and my immediate reaction was that I wanted to work things out but now I am immensely relieved that I don't have to worry and be paranoid. I'm a positive person and being paranoid and angry is just not me. While it was awful being shat on from a great height, it's great to be free of the negative feelings I had at the end when we knew he was cheating but he wouldnt admit it.
The physical stuff does not upset me much. It's the lying. Like when I realised I was making excuses for him when he missed a Parents Evening because he was shagging her rather than genuinely stuck in traffic.