Lost it and told the kids it's Daddy's fault we're not living with him

[Heartbrokenmum73]

Exp told me he didn't love me anymore six months ago.

My first instinct was to run away with the kids. My parents moved four hours away ten years ago, down by the sea, and I've been struggling with parenthood since then, having been diagnosed with PND soon after the birth of DD (now 11).

We moved down to Dorset at the end of August, initially living with my parents and then renting a house from a private landlord through a letting agency. We've been in the house almost a month now and finally got the majority of our stuff from the old house last week.

I've been falling apart since Ex decided to end things but I'm slowly getting worse. I feel like I want to go to bed in the evening and not wake up the next morning.

I'm angry at Ex for not giving me any explanation about why his feelings changed, how he could just abandon me to single motherhood (knowing how much I struggle being a Mum as it is), for leaving me with the fallout of explaining to the kids about us splitting (DD figured it out for herself, DS1 (8) was told recently that Daddy won't be coming to live with us at the new house, DS2 (5) doesn't really understand or care one way or another).

I've just cooked tea, which DS2 roundly rejected without even trying it (very common, he is extremely fussy) and DS1 has barely touched. The new house has an electric cooker which I can't cope with so I ended up burning the chicken to the pan.

DS2 has had a massive strop over not being able to play the Wii and DS1 had a meltdown over the choice of DVD they were all watching. They've both done the jumping up and down, stomping up the stairs, screaming at me thing.

Then Ex phoned, at which point I told him I was sick of everything and that I would quite happily have all three kids adopted. He spoke to both boys and told them to apologise, but I said I didn't want their half-hearted apologies, which they didn't mean anyway.

After he went, I was angry and upset and told the kids that next time they see Daddy to ask HIM why he's not living here, because he wanted to leave Mummy and not the other way round and if it was up to me we'd still all be living together in our old house (that was mortgaged and decent, as opposed to the new place which has damp and insects in the kitchen cupboards and is disgusting to live in).

Now DD and DS1 have been crying and I feel like absolute shit. I feel sick and tired of having to live this shit life (and drag them along with me) when I didn't choose this and I had no choice in the matter. I feel like no one's getting anything out of this and that I'm making everyone around me unhappy because I'm so bloody unhappy all the time. It's not fair on the kids and I'm completely at the end of my tether and feeling lost.

I don't even know why I'm posting or what I'm looking for. It's either post on here (and just unload I suppose) or throw myself in the sea.

Actually in therapy I was told by the therapist that it's ok for your dc to see you lose it occasionally, that they learn these emotions exist, can come out and life be okay afterwards.

What?

I am not remotely defensive about my own past - I am a great parent who has occasionally done some not-great things. Mostly when I was at the end of my tether and depressed. That's just a fact. There are moments that I am ashamed of and would prefer to take back and re-live differently. But support from lots of people, incl MN, helped me find positive ways forward from being at the end of my tether.

And if you notice, my first post advised getting adult help and support, and also finding ways to talk to the children in a constructive manner.

However, this thread is not about me, or you, so whatever you post back,, I won't engage with you over an a' deux disagreement.

Random: you need a new therapist

you are not welcome here, mumsforjustice

She's on the road to fucking up her kids hugely and hearing platitudes and "that's ok dearie ... just say sorry and move on" is just crap advice

What's the alternative? Not apologising? Isn't that the best way to teach your kids it's ok to lose it and then forget all about it? Don't we try to teach them that if we've been out of order, you rectify it being apologetic? Doesn't the lack of an apology signify that the behaviour was justified and ok?

If it's all the same, I'll teach my kids that when you fuck up, the best thing to do is admit it, apologise and rectify it.

I fear mumsforjustice tends to post in a manner that makes me yearn for a block button, OP. Deletions, while better than nowt, aren't nearly as gentle on the blood pressure.

You're already beating yourself up. That doesn't help your kids - trying to restore your equilibrium does. I agree that having a calm chat about all that's changed might be a good idea, on a nice walk on the beach, as suggested. I also agree that your ex needs to step up and have these tough conversations with them, because he's not the one grieving.

I would say I disagree that the 5 year old needed a reality check - way too little. The older ones needed to wind their necks in, though. And no mother handles that perfectly every time.

Take care, and keep posting. Most women here understand life is complex, and so are human emotions, and will offer nothing but support. xx

No I don't.

Living with adults who don't show their emotions and then how to deal with them is a BAD thing.

< agreed > with last 3 posters

mumsforjustice, please explain your qualifications? You claim you're just making personal attacks on vulnerable posters in the name of "tough love" despite their being so aggressive they afford deletion. What therapeutic process are you seeking to follow, in so doing? And what are your credentials in being able to assess the expertise or otherwise of random's professional therapist? Because I've certainly never met a mental health professional who would conduct themselves as you have here.

Heartbroken now you've said what you've said about your ex perhaps you can have a chat with the older two at how sad you are that daddy didn't want to live with you anymore and that you don't have your old home and that sometimes you just find things very difficult. Just something that they will understand and perhaps they will open up to you a bit about how they feel and what sense they're making of everything.

I hope you can get some RL support, you sound understandably depressed - saying sorry to your dc for being so angry at them etc. will let them know that adults make mistakes too aren't infallible.

Don't we try to teach them that if we've been out of order, you rectify it being apologetic

Did you read the bit the OP wrote about not wanting apologies from her children?

OP, you are having a tough time and sound like you really need some help/support. Are your family able to give you a break from the children?

My DS was 5 when his dad left.

I chose to tell him age appropriate truth. Ds asked, it is because he shouted at you too much Mummy? I told him yes.

Telling a 5yo that daddy left mummy, and mummy is finding things hard is OK. It IS important that our children see that there ARE different emotions, and that even if we are upset, we recover and life goes on.

I'm all for not worrying them, but shielding them from every bit of life's hardship won't ultimately help them learn to cope with life itself will it?

I agree, refusing to eat and tantrums about flaming computer games is not on, and you have every right to have found this exasperating. Any parent would, let alone one that is fighting her way though all this stuff.

Cut yourself some slack, learn from this and try to move on. Allow your children to ask questions, make sure they don't blame themselves, and know that you will fuck up, we all do, one time or another, but it's how we all deal with it that matters most.

Just a little anecdote from me.

I had a bit of a rocky start with my (now beloved) PIL.

But I once apologised to my small child in front of them for some incident of unreasonable shouting/loss of temper (don't remember exactly what). They both looked at me with their mouths hanging open and FIL said "I didn't understand until now what a great mother you are, I have never seen anyone apologise to their own child before but I think it is fantastic"

Ask yourself: 'Will this day matter in a years time?'

it won't.

Tomorrow will be better.

Amberleaf Yes, I didn't mean that she should demand an apology or anything, but how we teach them, by doing it ourselves. From what I understand, she feels very much in the wrong, if I lost it with mine, I would feel in the wrong and apologise. I wouldn't demand an apology from them, but would hope my actions after losing it would give them the lesson. I wasn't very clear before.

Great anecdote AF/SF, I think they were right.

Can't add much, just agree with the other posters, apologise for losing your temper, get some real-life support from your family/Home Start/friends/GP etc and try to make a fresh start in your new home and letting your kids know that they are a valued part of the family and you all need to pull together as a team.

Hope you feel better soon, if it was just one of those days then just start tomorrow afresh, if those days are happening a lot, then get some support, its blooming hard doing what your doing, everyone needs back up sometimes.

I would refer you to the recent longitudinal study by university of finland or the many academic quality journals such as the american psychological associations or british psychological society or the journal of divorce studies. All summarise to two main points. First, it is parental conflict and severed relationships that causes emotional damage to children. Second, the effects are "selective" not "diffuse". That means only those children who experience conflict suffer the long term emotional damage - poor attachments, higher divorce, higher rates of depression and anxiety for example -long term including into adulthood.
Doubtless those who feel themselves to have superior "qualifications" appropriate to commment in internet chatrooms will be along shortly to point out the methodological shortcomings - sample size or low R2 scores in regression, measurement methodology in for example "attachment" - although they are well addressed in the peer reviews in the journal.
But I think its pretty plain that behaving like this is what fucks up your kids. So get a grip, adult support and stop it is good tough love advice to the op

One regretted loss of temper does not cause emotional damage to children. You don't need 'qualifications' to understand that, simply some commonsense and compassion. Anyone suggesting a distressed woman 'get a grip' and going on about methodological shortcomings and peer reviews is probably one of those Men's Rights morons... Tough love my arse.

< yawn >

mumsforjustice - one or 2 isolate incidences of blowing up does not equate to parental conflict and severed relationships. Also do you know what parental conflict and severed relationships can exist within a marriage that is not ended.

OP, another poster here reaching out with some sympathy/understanding. What you have described sounds a very normal interaction to me. I lose it with my kids sometimes: we talk about it afterwards, apologise to each other and try and learn lessons / draw up new boundaries for the future. I don't think that it was a bad thing to let them know that your ex initiated the break up. It is usually advised that you don't bad mouth their other parent infront of them so that they can maintain a healthy relationship, but that should also have room for honesty. You need them to see you and your ex as real people and to understand some of the dynamics so that you can all have real relationships.

Ignore the more critical posters. We all need somewhere to go to vent when the kids are pressing our buttons. Some people have a partner that they can talk to when the kids are tired and grumpy and behaving unreasonably, or when we just feel low. Other people come on MN to vent and get it off their chest, get a hug and then feel able to get on with life.

You can put in place new boundaries for unreasonable behaviour from your kids - stropping over the Wii and meltdowns over DVDs are not OK behaviour. Now that you are in charge you may find '1-2-3 Magic' a useful book. Answering back/strops are given a warning, along with other unhelpful behaviour. It's the guide to setting clear boundaries, without having to shout - saved my sanity.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you with three lively kids, having moved away from the area you knew and were happy with, whilst dealing with all the emotional fallout your ex has left you with. Agree with other posters - grab all the help that you can: GP, homestart, MN. Being a single mum is the hardest job of all, but you can do it - others will be on here to (usually) provide sympathy, wisdom and a listening ear.

Best of luck

you are not welcome here, mumsforjustice
Scaryfucker, just because someone has alternative views to the majority does not mean they aren't welcome here. MNHQ decide who isn't welcome. I'm not taking sides on this debate, but do appreciate hearing from everyone.

Hi everyone.

Haven't checked back since I posted last night, but thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time out to respond to me.

We had lots of tears and hugs last night after I posted. Youngest wasn't upset by any of it because he simply doesn't understand. I think this sums him up - whenever he speaks to his Dad on the phone it's all about what toys/comics/sweets he's going to get next time he sees him. That seems to be what Daddy means to him at present.

DD and DS1 were upset and apologetic and so was I. I explained that I wasn't angry with them but angry with Daddy and that I had shouted at them because they were there and Daddy wasn't and that was wrong of me. We had a good talk about what's bothering them and how we're going to deal with things.

Today, the boys have already had about three massive arguments over Lego, the TV and biscuits. This is normal for everyday here. I know that siblings argue (I'm the oldest of 4, I remember it all) but it's so draining when there's only me dealing with it day to day.

I do feel very low but I'm worried about going to see the GP as one GP I saw just after the split told me he wasn't giving me any medication and that he wanted me and ex to come to him for marriage counselling. I sat in front of him and cried in disbelief.

I think counselling/therapy might help (with all my anger and upset), but as it's something I've never had could someone explain to me what it involves and what to expect. Is there any particular kind that might benefit me more?

Argh, I have so much bottled up inside me and it's pouring out here as random nonsense. Apologies for the long, rambling threads, but I really do appreciate all your input.

my view is that i see little wrong in being honest to the kids... maybe not while losing your rag tho. i had to be firm n honest when it came to telling my kids why daddys not here (he died when they were toddlers and when i was expecting dd). while others said daddy was with the angels, i had to be the bad guy and keep answering 'no daddy died, he can never come back' (on cruse's advice- saying hes with angels suggests hes alive n he can come home). brutal honesty n i still feel awful but they know now.

my mum n dad had a bitter divorce when i was little, n my dad felt he had to keep up the 'we just drifted apart' thing. til he sat us down n said its actually cos mum dumped him for my stepdad. it was true-she had an affair with him. i never got angry at my dad for telling us, in fact i was more disgusted at my mum for her sordid behaviour. im grateful for his honesty, n the fact it mustve been humiliating for him to have to tell us how he ended up second best. my mum still hasnt changed 23 years later, is still a serial cheat, single again my dads happily married with a stable job in a beautiful home he moved into with my stepmum. n he started off in a cramped house too with little money. so there is a chance of happiness again

id definately agree with the other ladies, see gp for depression, take whatever help around (homestart have been diamonds to me over the years), and do some more positive things for yourself. i went rock bottom once, and i came out the other side at a better place.

ive had counselling, online cbt and psychotherapy before, whilst on antiDs.
i found online cbt abit tedious unless you have someone guiding you. counselling was great, as it was like letting off steam, letting all out and having someone actually listen, and validate that youre right to feel this way. i referred myself to that through my local womens resource centre.

psychotherapy was similar to the counselling, but with some techniques to calm myself when i felt in a bad way. i was referred to that by my hospitals community mental health team, who i asked my gp to refer me to.

but ultimately my turning point was when i started being a little more selfish, treated myself more, stopped caring so much about others opinions, and when i began grabbing all support offered/around, went to parenting courses, homestart etc x x