Exp told me he didn't love me anymore six months ago.
My first instinct was to run away with the kids. My parents moved four hours away ten years ago, down by the sea, and I've been struggling with parenthood since then, having been diagnosed with PND soon after the birth of DD (now 11).
We moved down to Dorset at the end of August, initially living with my parents and then renting a house from a private landlord through a letting agency. We've been in the house almost a month now and finally got the majority of our stuff from the old house last week.
I've been falling apart since Ex decided to end things but I'm slowly getting worse. I feel like I want to go to bed in the evening and not wake up the next morning.
I'm angry at Ex for not giving me any explanation about why his feelings changed, how he could just abandon me to single motherhood (knowing how much I struggle being a Mum as it is), for leaving me with the fallout of explaining to the kids about us splitting (DD figured it out for herself, DS1 (8) was told recently that Daddy won't be coming to live with us at the new house, DS2 (5) doesn't really understand or care one way or another).
I've just cooked tea, which DS2 roundly rejected without even trying it (very common, he is extremely fussy) and DS1 has barely touched. The new house has an electric cooker which I can't cope with so I ended up burning the chicken to the pan.
DS2 has had a massive strop over not being able to play the Wii and DS1 had a meltdown over the choice of DVD they were all watching. They've both done the jumping up and down, stomping up the stairs, screaming at me thing.
Then Ex phoned, at which point I told him I was sick of everything and that I would quite happily have all three kids adopted. He spoke to both boys and told them to apologise, but I said I didn't want their half-hearted apologies, which they didn't mean anyway.
After he went, I was angry and upset and told the kids that next time they see Daddy to ask HIM why he's not living here, because he wanted to leave Mummy and not the other way round and if it was up to me we'd still all be living together in our old house (that was mortgaged and decent, as opposed to the new place which has damp and insects in the kitchen cupboards and is disgusting to live in).
Now DD and DS1 have been crying and I feel like absolute shit. I feel sick and tired of having to live this shit life (and drag them along with me) when I didn't choose this and I had no choice in the matter. I feel like no one's getting anything out of this and that I'm making everyone around me unhappy because I'm so bloody unhappy all the time. It's not fair on the kids and I'm completely at the end of my tether and feeling lost.
I don't even know why I'm posting or what I'm looking for. It's either post on here (and just unload I suppose) or throw myself in the sea.
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Lost it and told the kids it's Daddy's fault we're not living with him
Heartbrokenmum73 · 16/10/2013 19:58
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I don't think there is a parent alive who hasn't messed up about something at some point. I try very hard not to behave in a way that requires an apology in all areas of my life, and most of the time I succeed I think, but if I do mess up I apologise, and that includes to my DC. I haven't fallen into the trap of thinking I can behave however I like and as long as I can say sorry it's ok, but I am as flawed a human as the next and I believe the first step to self improvement is to admit your failings.
The studies about parental conflict etc are self-explanatory and important to acknowledge, but the OP is not trying to say she should be allowed to run down her X in front of the DC. Far from it. She's distraught that it's happened.
OP you obviously care. To me that suggests that you are just going through a rough time and momentarily lost it. It doesn't make you a bad mother. You are already learning from it and trying to find ways to ensure it doesn't happen again. That makes you a good mum IMO. It will get easier and life will get better. For now, take the support you're offered and rant away. We all need support from time to time.
Hope you feel better soon. 
aww 
its a hard habit to get out of let alone when your self esteem is rock bottom... my sisters similar, shes size 24 and goes through times where she gives up her diet (shes trying to slim down to concieve) and hides herself away with a mindset of 'whats the point, i never succeed anyway'. though she flits between denial (im not depressed) and pessimism (its hopeless- might as well just forget it). its hard to break that way of thinking but you can if your willing to try.
homestart, for me, originally allocated me a volunteer, who became more of a friend over time, to come to my house or come out with me, help with practical stuff - like food shopping or taking the kids out somewhere- or just even to talk to if im low. after a while that stopped cos i felt more able to manage myself.
my homestart offers short courses like protective behaviours, stress management or key skills etc. the manager became abit like my advocate, someone to ring when i was low, and shed help with ideas and strategies for the kids behaviour. if there was ever a social worker involved, she came to meetings n stuck up for me. n when my recent ex turned abusive she helped create a log, so if anything happened id ring her n shed write it in the log, useful for court. its worth having a look out there n seeing whats about where u are x
Ah I see you're back on yet another namechange Mumsforjustice? Feel free to disregard these rantings OP- this poster is forever frothing about supposedly bitter ex wives and how they 'poison' children against dads who've left for other women. You can guess why 
Look love, you're human and like everyone's said, contrary to all the guilt-tripping that goes on towards mothers, no child expects their parents to be paragons of virtue and they'd learn nothing about expressing their own emotions if the peson they lived with was an automaton devoid of normal feelings like anger, frustration and sadness. You've taught them such a valuable lesson too by apologising. Well done, love. There's a silver lining right there.
Do get some help though. Everyone of us needs it at some time in our lives and there's no shame in it. You don't get any awards at the end of a life for struggling alone. Seems to me that a visit to the GP and a break of some sort would be urgent priorities, plus thinking about community help schemes and getting some help re-entering the job market. Can you get to a jobcentre where you can ask what help is available to polish up a CV and your interviewing skills?
Unless you're damaging your health, I'd forget about your weight and stop worrying about peripheral crap like make-up. At interviews and at work, you just need to be clean and presentable.
Hugs to you. You're clearly a good person and a good mum because you've reached out for help here and you took the first step in getting some advice. Now transfer that to real life and start asking for the help and support you need.
I do feel very low but I'm worried about going to see the GP as one GP I saw just after the split told me he wasn't giving me any medication and that he wanted me and ex to come to him for marriage counselling.
IMO, this GP was so so wrong to do that. It only put more pressure on you when you were already feeling vulnerable. Ignore him and move on to another GP that will be of help to you.
I have reached a point where I don't care about myself or my appearance much at all. This was one of the reasons exp gave for falling out of love with me. I know how I look - I weigh over 15 stone, am a size 20/22 (with no idea what suits me, so I live in jeans and baggy tops), my hair is either greasy or clean and frizzy (I've never got to grips with styling it), I don't bother with make-up (don't know how to apply it or what colours suit me, never have) and feel that if I DO make any effort that people are laughing at me because I must look ridiculous. So now I'm kind of damned if I do and damned if I don't.
This description could be me some days. I've made a list of things I want to do for myself - lose weight, nicer more suitable clothing, hair styling advice, haircut/colour, wear makeup more (get advice as well), and so on.
Then I went through and picked out a few things that were easiest to do and most important. It's important to me to lose weight and I'd like to wear makeup more (so I don't look quite so washed out).
So I've just chosen one thing to change for each of those things. I'm trying to do more physical activity - even if it's just 10 minutes a day. Some days it's more - like a walk somewhere. Some days just 10 minutes stretching or making sure I do things up and down stairs, so I'm using the stairs a lot more. Getting organised to go to the gym is just beyond me right now. Easy stuff that I can do at home works best for me right now to start out.
Then makeup. I started out just popping on a bit of mascara every morning. Then after about a week I added eyeliner. Now I'm occasionally using lip gloss or lipstick. It just depends on how I feel that day. But just teeny little changes. I feel a bit better about myself and it's helping me to get more confident and happy with things. Pretty soon I'm going to be brave and get some advice on makeup and see where that leads me. 
Don't try to fix everything at once. Pick what you think is important or just something that's easy and do that. Each thing you do will make you feel that much better and ready to do something else.
Counselling would be wonderful because it would be you time - someone to listen to you, to validate what you are feeling, and to help you to decide what you need to move forwards. Sadly, they can't provide that extra money, but they can listen and understand and help you to know what you are capable of.
Homestart would be brill too - a great charity designed to help someone get back onto their feet. In a few years time, you may well want to volunteer with them to help other people who are in your situation - you would understand only too well what someone needs with 3 small people around, when times are hard.
Have you tried Gingerbread too? They may well have some cheap get togethers or days out to the beach with a minibus, so that you don't have to dish out for busfares. The children's school may well take them too, so that they get the benefit.
Your dcs sound lovely! You must be very proud of them. Hopefully, in a year or twos time, you will have settled in, and may be able to manage a little cleaning job perhaps, in your local school, to all be able to make the most of the lovely area in which you live. In the meantime, if you have each other, your health and lots of love, you will overcome the arguments. If you would like to PM me, I will see if I still have my old copy of 1-2-3 Magic as I really don't need it any more. It's a great way to approach discipline without shouting too much 
I've been following your thread but haven't posted. I agree with all that's been said on here (excepting one poster), and I wondered where you are OP? Not expecting you to say on here, but you sound familiar. I may be way off, but I'm in the South West. If you are, and you fancy PM'ing me, please feel free. I'm not crazy.
Oh god that makes me sound crazy, but I'm not. Honest
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