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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp makes me jump on purpose

94 replies

bordellosboheme · 15/10/2013 23:04

Is he a twunt? Angry
I just came in from a 40 minute drive. It was dark outside, it was dark in the house and dp was standing there trying to give me a little shock as he put it. Surely this is the behaviour of a 12 yo? Not a 57 year old? Can someone explain him to me please?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 16/10/2013 20:02

My mate thought it would be funny to creep up on me in my bed and screech in my ear to make me jump.
That black eye she had took ages to go.
In our mutual defense, we were 14 at the time.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 21:40

Monkeygonetoheaven.... That's exactly it isn't it. Often I don't feel relaxed in the house.... Last night I was super relaxed because I had gone to (what some may consider a woo woo) mediation circle and was super relaxed, then THAT.

I felt a bit up tight all day today. Results of the meditation GONE.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 21:43

Amber, I'm pretty sure he knows I hate it..... When I was single I was pretty relaxed kind of girl. 5 years into this relationship I find myself tight chested and kind of on high alert. It's a red flag isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 21:47

Onebuddha, what was the personality profile of you ex? Just trying to see if thee are any similarities...

It sounds crazy, but sometimes when I am around him, I am afraid to feel strong positive emotions, as often he does something jolty and shocks me out of it. I have trained myself away from feeling pleasure in his presence. WHAT is this all about? Can anyone explain what might be going on here? What's his problem with being relaxed.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 16/10/2013 21:48

Leave. Honestly. This sounds awful. You're supposed to feel at your safest and happiest with your partner. Otherwise what's the point?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 21:50

Cogito, if it is a red flag, what should I do? I want my relaxed cerebral self back.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 21:51

Chubfudler.... I kind of don't know how to leave. I have a 2 year old ds who dp adores.

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 16/10/2013 21:51

Horrible. I have some very valid, deep-seated reasons why I hate people doing this to me. I explained this to an ex and a few days later he actually hid under the bed and grabbed my ankle as I went past.
After he'd dealt with the panic attack that ensued he never did it again.
But why do it in the first place?!
Not. Funny.

ColderThanAWitchsTitty · 16/10/2013 21:52

youve told him to stop? Then yes he is being a twunt.

He is controllin you and keepin you on edge, that's what it's all about

Bluestocking · 16/10/2013 21:54

Huge, massive red flag. I had a (not at all D)P who used to pull stunts like this around me - startling me, talking about things that creeped me out, etc etc. I wasted two years of my life with this creepy little sociopath. Binning him was one of the best things I ever did but it took far longer than the two years to shake off the effects of the EA.

Bluestocking · 16/10/2013 21:57

So what if he adores your DC? He is not a good partner to you, and your DC shouldn't grow up in an atmosphere where his/her mother is being cruelly treated.

eggyhead · 16/10/2013 21:57

I would 'accidentally' have to chuck a drink over him each time he did that.

Idiot. You have my sympathies.

Chubfuddler · 16/10/2013 22:01

What blue stocking said. My children also adore their father. I still left him.

LynetteScavo · 16/10/2013 22:12

Home is supposed to be your safe place, where you relax and take refuge from the world.

My DSs think it's hilarious to scare each other....I tell them off. It's not how I wan't people to behave in my house.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 22:13

I do actually think it is EA... Combined with his nice/nasty cycles. My dad was ea and I'm pissed off I've got myself into this scenario again. I was away from dp for month working abroad in the summer and my real self started to blossom again. But I'm back 'here' again and feel kind of paralysed.

Can someone tell me how to leave someone without it being obvious? The only way I can think of is to accidentally get some work in another city. But that's drastic leaving my support network in this town. Yet I don't think I could leave and have him 'in my face' in this small town.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 22:14

Irony is I'm what you might call a 'highly sensitive person' so not a good match at all. How did I get it so wrong?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 16/10/2013 22:16

You can't accidentally leave someone. Do you expect him not to notice?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 16/10/2013 22:19

Oh Chubfudler please can't I do it in a non confrontational, non noticeable way..... Please??Wink

OP posts:
cjel · 16/10/2013 22:29

this sounds horrid, if you want to leave without him noticing just tell him you are coming to mine for a bit and don't go back? he doesn't know where I live.

Bluestocking · 16/10/2013 22:40

I like cjel's suggestion. You can come to mine for a bit too. We have a comfy spare bed and I'm pretty sure your not-so-DP doesn't know where I live either. His initials aren't APJ, are they?

Lweji · 16/10/2013 22:41

You can leave when he's not there, but he'll realise you are missing at some point. Wink

wordyBird · 16/10/2013 23:11

Make arrangements to live elsewhere without telling him. Then move out without telling him.

(He's so keen on surprises: see if he enjoys that one... )

You could leave him a letter (no forwarding address), but if he's EA I wouldn't recommend it. All very non-confrontational though?

Lavenderhoney · 17/10/2013 04:52

He sounds awful, what if you had been carrying your dd? Does he make her jump too?

He doesn't like you to be happy, is that right? So you are controlling emotion in front of your dd as well? For both your sakes you have to either stop doing that, or leave.

You can just go, especially if you think he will cause trouble or you don't want to talk to him etc. be very careful though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 05:22

Not wanting to feel strong emotions - not wanting to be the real you - around someone is usually because strong emotions make us more vulnerable. Keeping something back is a form of self-protection but never being yourself, never fully relaxing, is a very stressful way to live

How to leave? Do some preparation and, if you don't like confrontation, tell him you've gone after you've left. Good luck

Chottie · 17/10/2013 05:53

Your OH behaviour is unkind and downright cruel. That is not the way to treat someone you love. Walking on eggshells is not the way to live.....