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Original poster

41 weeks pregnant and Mother in Law and her partner accusing me of not helping round the house

76 replies

jacinta1 · 15/10/2013 15:56

Not technically my Mother in Law but her son is my long term partner and we are getting married next year. His Mum has always liked me and told other people she loves me. She asked me to live with her leading up to the birth of my son as she felt I could do with the support after he was born. To be honest I didn't want to. I wanted to be in my own place especially after baby is born so that I could settle into being a Mum without an audience but my partner persuaded me to move in. I have been here for 3 days and I am 41+2 days pregnant and being induced Saturday.
I have had a very busy pregnancy and only this weekend finished all the chores I needed to do. I am a student and had a placement and essays until I was 40 weeks pregnant and after that I have had paperwork for my new house I'll be moving into from my flat.
However today I am really upset. While making a cuppa I saw a message flash up on my MIL's partner's phone saying 'she needs to learn to do more than shower and eat food all day. It's not a pretty sight'.
I was so upset I left my cuppa and just went to my room. I have been taking a shower in the morning and one in the evening in these last few days of pregnancy, mainly as I just feel dirty and stressed. I never thought it was a problem :-( I am not overweight and don't over eat. In fact because I didn't want to help myself to food I wasn't eating much and his Mother kept telling me I must help myself and so since Sunday I have been getting my own food out the fridge.
I have offered to help wash up but they said it's okay and I do keep our bedroom tidy and clean and always clean up after myself. I am more than happy to help with anything round the house. I admit that since getting here I have just sat watching tv and doing admin but this is not the way I am usually. I am just so tired and uncomfortable with being overdue.
I haven't told my partner about the txt, he would be too hurt and might cause a fuss. There's no point bringing it up as best scenario it would cause awkwardness. I have managed to make an excuse for why I need to stay at my flat for a few days. Anyone any advice on how to not be miserable when I return (I'll have baby by then). Right now I'm in my room and I'm hungry today because I don't even feel I can make any food. Partner isnt back until tmrw morning. I feel so hurt and misjudged.
Any excuses for having to be back at my flat once baby is born? My parents are coming to get me two weeks after the birth anyway so I can shower, eat and be a Mum without judgement once there. Can't wait!

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 15/10/2013 18:49

He won't live with you because it's beneath him so you have to go live with his mother?

Is that right?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 15/10/2013 18:56

When you have your little one, you will not want to be a 'guest' at anyone's house, and that's not even taking the text into consideration.

Agree with takeitonthegin - your DP really does need to know about the damning text.

Original poster
jacinta1 · 15/10/2013 19:18

Its income support i'm getting. Because I'm pregnant but I only get it on the basis that I'm a single parent so I said single parents allowance as I see it as that. When baby is born I get more

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 15/10/2013 19:24

His attitude comes from never having to have a different view. So he wants things the way he wants them, once the baby is here he needs to re-examine his previous expectations as he cannot walk out of any old job because it doesn't suit him without getting another one first or want the suburban dream without the cash and nor could you. You however seem to have a firmer grasp on the realities of life so you need to do what you feel is best. Your DP can only travel his own path which is get his head in the real world, cling on to his ideals and have a rough ride but sort himself out eventually or dig his heels in and lose his family because of it.

Tell him now the way things must be for both of you for this to work and that his mothers just won't work as new families need to establish themselves and their own routines. If he still wants to move fine, say he can move in with you once you have moved to your house as he doesn't like the flat and you must finish your education to gain better employment prospect and he must be employed and then you can start saving for a house in a better area. Extol the virtues of the satisfaction of having done it all off your own back

Tell him about the text but don't lay blame put it down to the stress of all living together and that you'd rather not cause a scene, given you're due any second and can do without the headache, pick your battles. Of course if this is a pattern of behaviour which is going to continue you need to be much firmer in standing up for yourself. As it seems to be the first instance, given the stress of the situation it can be passed off once, once mind, as an aberration. Moving back home and your DP really does need to see how the other half live to get a better grasp of your situation.
To him it may seem like the answer to all your problems but to you its like being on an extended apron string, you still don't come first. You don't feel you have the responsibility for your own family nor the independence to make your own decisions if they would be involved every step (it rarely works if living together or in property owned by parents is involved as you never feel it is yours, even less than rented accommodation and they feel they have the right to offer well meaning advice).

Keep an open mind, look after yourself and your child first but be aware his attachment to his lifestyle may win out and don't compromise yourself (your own beliefs and sense self and independence) to try to make him happy.

IAmNotAMindReader · 15/10/2013 19:26

By compromise yourself I don't mean don't compromise but don't bend so far you lose who you are and your needs get lost in the midst of everything else.

Oriunda · 15/10/2013 19:38

Not going to comment on your situation, you have been given good advice (ie leave and go back to your house). Just wanted to say that (assuming this is your first baby?) don't underestimate how long the induction process could take. I went into hospital on the Friday and DS was born Monday afternoon by EMCS after over 2 days of non-progressing labour. So that was 6 nights in hospital with barely any sleep. I cannot tell you how tired I was. Hopefully you will have a really quick birth, but if it should take longer, you will be exhausted when you leave hospital and the last thing you will want is to be stressed out about being in your DP's mother's house having to watch what you eat etc.

mamabear35 · 15/10/2013 19:49

OP I don't know where you live but I am in London. It is perfectly reasonable to have an hours commute into work and I have done so throughout my working life which included being pregnant with two DD's.
You are trying very hard to take your DP's feelings into consideration but now is the time for you to think of what is best for you and your child. You are definitely NOT being unreasonable in expecting your DP to commute. That's life!
Are you trapped by certain cultural expectations as to how you think you should be behaving? Let me say it again you have done nothing wrong and your feelings of hurt are valid. Try hard to ignore them and don't give them a second thought! Good luck with the inductionGrin

Bogeyface · 15/10/2013 22:19

Mama is right about the commute, H used to have a 2 hour commute to the town 15 miles away because he cant drive and public transport is dire.

1 hour is nothing.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/10/2013 23:28

You don't need an excuse, just go home.

And please have something to eat.

frustratedashell · 16/10/2013 05:14

You need to stop putting everyone else first love. And he needs to wake up and smell the coffee! Move back to your flat and then to your new house. He should move in too. Or walk away but pay child support. Good luck with the new baby

MadameDefarge · 16/10/2013 08:33

I assume you have had all your antenatal stuff done out of a certain hospital, again, presumably relating to your gp surgery and home area, so surely you need to be near there to have the baby? or were you planning to just use the one local to your dps parents to have the baby?

MadameDefarge · 16/10/2013 08:34

which to me would the best reason to go home. don't quite get why you would move away from your established gp/midwifery/hospital survice anyway.

susanalbumparty · 16/10/2013 09:02

Oriunda makes an excellent point. Hopefully the birth will be straightforward but if it is protracted and tiring you will just want to go home and flake out without worrying about the MIL judging you for being lazy.

Matildathecat · 16/10/2013 17:09

If they live an hour away where is the hospital in relation to all this? I assume it's near your flat so you need to be there in case you go into labour, which hopefully you will.

Midwife will need to see you there, too. Ok this can be transferred but better to be local in case of any problems.

I agree, tell your inlaws you feel hormonal and need to be in your own place. Your DP should be doing what suits you, not the other way round.

Feet up and have a lovely baby.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 16/10/2013 19:25

I'm confused! Where is your GP? Hospital? Shouldn't you be close to them? Not an hour or so away without transport in your DP's parents' house?

It sounds like you've got your head screwed on and done well to sort out housing and so on and complete your uni work etc. He, meanwhile, sounds like a bit of a waster. Why isn't he providing for you? Why aren't you sharing money? Why ru expected to move in with his parents (I think this is because he lives with them???). Whatever, you're independent and have your own place. If you're going to set up as a family, you do that starting from the bottom together - not him expecting to sponge off his parents for years and making you move to their place.

Trust me, you will want your own space even if you all get on like a house on fire - even more so if his DM is being a cow. And tell him about that too. If my MIL spoke about me like that, she wouldn't be seeing the baby!

Meerka · 16/10/2013 19:49

Oh dear, what a nasty comment !

Think you do have to tell your DP about the text becuase it could be indicative of deeper trouble.

This sort of text is not going to be easily forgotten, it was a shock and nasty from someone you trusted. It shows that things are not as nice as they seem and at a guess, more trouble like this might come after your baby is born. I think your partner needs to know now, even if he's hurt.

The second reason is that he needs to be there for you now, this is the time you need support and he needs to provide it. He's a grown man and soon to be a father, and you are more important than his mother to him, or should be.

like every other poster, I think that you need to be in your own place and that you can just thank his parents for their hospitality but say that you'd prefer to stay in your own home. If they press you, I guess you could say that you saw the text but 41 weeks preg is not the time to be having an argument with the in-laws. Your partner should be aware, but you don't need the extra stress of open trouble with them.

Meerka · 16/10/2013 19:50

gaah im sorry, posted too soon - missed pages 2 and 3 ...

Meerka · 16/10/2013 20:07

ok having read the rest, in one small area I\ll play devil's advocate, from my own experience. Having lived in houses most of my life, I do find it hard to live in a small flat. You do what you have to, but it can be hard. Specially if the flat is in an area you don't feel safe in, as mine was.

at 35 I know that I could not easily live in a small flat with a partner and son. Maybe that's me being spoiled, but in truth it's hard when youre used to one thing to have to adjust to another that is physically perhaps not as nice. Please don't shoot me, mumsnet!

So it can be hard to adjust to less materially spacious surroundings, but the fact is that when you have to do it, you do. And finding yoruself a new parent comes under the heading of 'having to'. Also, won't it just be a for a short time? You will have your new house soon? He just has to put up with it for a short time.

I think it's essential that he is with you in the coming weeks. He does sound very nice overall, but you need to establish your independent life with him and not as part of his family´s clan.

Also, thinking about it I really do think he needs to know about that text. If it's a one off that's not so bad but something about it sounds a bit creepy. Possibly the "it's not a pretty sight" line combined with the lack of sense. At 41 weeks its hard to do anything!

Original poster
jacinta1 · 23/10/2013 10:29

Thanks for the replies ladies. I went into labour 1 hour after writing this message and am now say with my beautiful baby. I told my partner about the text. Turns out it was his mum's boyfriend who sent the text to her and she never replied. Things have been great since baby was born and my partner has been fantastic. Don't think much of the mums bf but they won't stay together anyway so I won't worry about it.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2013 10:35

Oh, thank goodness for that. Congratulations!

I went into labour 1 hour after writing this message

Ah, Mumsnet is powerful indeed! Grin

Meerka · 23/10/2013 10:38

Oh wow, big grats jacinta and I'm so glad things worked out :)

WineIsMyMainVice · 23/10/2013 19:29

I agree with Bertha.
Stick to your guns. You need to feel welcome and comfortable at this time.
Good luck with your induction etc.

WineIsMyMainVice · 23/10/2013 19:30

Oh sorry, only just saw your wonderful news!
Well done! Congratulations! Enjoy this special time...

SuperiorCat · 23/10/2013 19:35

Ahh congratulations

Skinidin · 23/10/2013 19:43

Go back to your place.

A little baby won't notice if it's small or scruffy, but being happy and relaxed yourself will make all the difference in the world to both of you in those precious (and fragile) first days.