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Original poster

41 weeks pregnant and Mother in Law and her partner accusing me of not helping round the house

76 replies

jacinta1 · 15/10/2013 15:56

Not technically my Mother in Law but her son is my long term partner and we are getting married next year. His Mum has always liked me and told other people she loves me. She asked me to live with her leading up to the birth of my son as she felt I could do with the support after he was born. To be honest I didn't want to. I wanted to be in my own place especially after baby is born so that I could settle into being a Mum without an audience but my partner persuaded me to move in. I have been here for 3 days and I am 41+2 days pregnant and being induced Saturday.
I have had a very busy pregnancy and only this weekend finished all the chores I needed to do. I am a student and had a placement and essays until I was 40 weeks pregnant and after that I have had paperwork for my new house I'll be moving into from my flat.
However today I am really upset. While making a cuppa I saw a message flash up on my MIL's partner's phone saying 'she needs to learn to do more than shower and eat food all day. It's not a pretty sight'.
I was so upset I left my cuppa and just went to my room. I have been taking a shower in the morning and one in the evening in these last few days of pregnancy, mainly as I just feel dirty and stressed. I never thought it was a problem :-( I am not overweight and don't over eat. In fact because I didn't want to help myself to food I wasn't eating much and his Mother kept telling me I must help myself and so since Sunday I have been getting my own food out the fridge.
I have offered to help wash up but they said it's okay and I do keep our bedroom tidy and clean and always clean up after myself. I am more than happy to help with anything round the house. I admit that since getting here I have just sat watching tv and doing admin but this is not the way I am usually. I am just so tired and uncomfortable with being overdue.
I haven't told my partner about the txt, he would be too hurt and might cause a fuss. There's no point bringing it up as best scenario it would cause awkwardness. I have managed to make an excuse for why I need to stay at my flat for a few days. Anyone any advice on how to not be miserable when I return (I'll have baby by then). Right now I'm in my room and I'm hungry today because I don't even feel I can make any food. Partner isnt back until tmrw morning. I feel so hurt and misjudged.
Any excuses for having to be back at my flat once baby is born? My parents are coming to get me two weeks after the birth anyway so I can shower, eat and be a Mum without judgement once there. Can't wait!

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 15/10/2013 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlatinumStart · 15/10/2013 17:07

Tell his mother that you saw the text as you are on your way out her front door.

Go back to your flat - it doesn't matter how small or "not nice" it is, it's your home and you will need a sanctuary after the baby is born. Your DP can spend his paternity leave at yours and frankly unless you don't want him to move in with you he should suck up the one hour commute and stay at your place

Original poster
jacinta1 · 15/10/2013 17:11

For some reason, which I've never got to the bottom of, he will not stay at my flat if it kills him. My flat is small but cosy but he just hates being there. It's a council flat and no where near as nice as his old house or his Mother's beautiful home (materially speaking). I have so far been happy to get away from my flat too and stay at his house but he no longer has that house as his Dad sold it (it was his Dad's second home). He comes from a wealthy family and don't think he likes the council flat or the area it's in.
I have been offered a council house in an area he doesn't want to live as he says it's too far from his family but my family lives over 3 hours away and I have accepted that so I AM moving to my new home and he can come if he wants. I won't be given another home from the council. He is a good boyfriend and loves me and his baby so much but is used to an easy life and has only ever lived in beautiful homes so a two bed terrace is quite a shock for him.
I couldn't live near his family anyway as its too far in the country and I don't drive. I have been made to feel like accepting this council house is wrong as he would have to commute an hour to see me and an hour to work each day. I don't know if it's wrong for me to accept it but I feel I have to as my flat is too small once baby gets bigger.
The txt was definetly about me. It couldn't possibly have been about anyone else. Her name popped up with the msg so thats how I know it was the MIL.
My partner would approve of me moving if he knew about the text and would be furious with the both of them. He, like myself, thought they liked me

OP posts:
Original poster
jacinta1 · 15/10/2013 17:14

My partner would almost certainly move into my home if I took it as he would rather be with me and baby than at his mother's. He is just at the moment saying he doesn't want to live in the area

OP posts:
SpockSmashesScissors · 15/10/2013 17:15

Go home to your flat, you only have a few days to do your last nesting bits and pieces.

The flat is your babies home, that's where you need to be, don't go back to MIL after your baby is born, the midwife will want to visit you at home, partner stays at your flat with baby on paternity leave.

You will want the privacy after birth if nothing else.

oranges · 15/10/2013 17:15

he has to live with you. no questions, if and buts.

TheFabulousIdiot · 15/10/2013 17:19

If you are a couple and planning on raising the baby together then he needs to be with you.
I think you're on dodgy ground and there could be many reasons why they want you in the family home - the most likely so they can have some control over the baby.

You need to get out and go back to where you know you will be happiest.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 15/10/2013 17:19

Stay in your flat then go to your new house when it's ready.

The worst, worst thing when you have a tiny newborn baby, and have just been through labour is to be around people who make you uncomfortable. Please don't let them make you feel miserable.

Your home might not be as 'nice' but if you don't drive and mils is rural then you are much better off at your house anyway - trapped in the country with a tiny baby would do you no good either!

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2013 17:21

You need to take the house.
His mum sounds like a nightmare. Who cares what she thinks. She clearly has shown how she feels about you.

With such a family, it is important that you dont make yourself dependent on them, or him, in any way.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2013 17:22

It is your partner you should be angry with for putting you in this position. If he wants a beautiful home and a lovely area then he'd best buy one!

Move into your flat, and sod the rest of them. Tell your partner you expect him to move in to support you.

Original poster
jacinta1 · 15/10/2013 17:35

I agree that if he wants a pretty house in the country then he needs to buy one for me to move into!
He left a good job for a minimum wage one as it was 'too stressful.' As a result I am on single parents allowance and uni funding to support myself. We do not share money at all and the house has been given to ME not him so I am the only one who has succeeded in getting us somewhere to live and therefore I don't feel he has a choice.
On his wages he couldn't rent privately.
When he moves in I wont get the single parents allowance so we will have to share money.

I applied for a house in his area but was rejected and the waiting lists are years long anyway. He said I should appeal. I went to do it and I thought wth am I doing this when I don't even want to live there. So I scraped it.
Thanks for all the replies. It has really inspired me to take the house and get out of this situation.
When baby is born I shall stay here for a few days as his Mother is at work all that week, her boyfriend is away and with partner off it will be fine. Also I have a lot of visitors coming and would rather have them over at his Mum's than mine. Once he's back at work I'll get my parents to pick me up. And there will be no discussion about it. Could I ask for anyone's views on what they think is going on in this whole situation? My partner is lovely to me but just with the housing situation isn't very compromising. Do you think he might have been spoilt as a child and its showing in his adult behaviour?
What is wrong and what is acceptable for me to do?
i.e is it okay to live somewhere he doesn't like

OP posts:
takeitonthegin · 15/10/2013 17:35

I think you should tell DP about the message. If it were me, DH would be able to tell that I wasnt myself and had something on my mind. This should be a lovely time in your lives and a breakdown in communication will just cause a wedge.

I would confide in him and decide on a course of action together.

starfishmummy · 15/10/2013 17:35

I think your partner needs to grow a pair and if you want him to, he should move in with you to be a family. You say that he doesnt live with you because it is an hours drive to his work. A lot of people commute that far- or further - so it is no excuse.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2013 17:38

Your partner seems to have two qualities I find very unattractive (in men):

Spoilt and Entitled
Lacking in ambition (ie no drive)

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 17:40

dp sounds a bit of an ass. And you need to leave, you will be much too busy with baby when it gets there to have people like hassling you

Original poster
jacinta1 · 15/10/2013 17:46

my partner is a good man. He does have his faults as we all do but he is loyal, faithful, kind and honest. It is literally just the housing situation he is difficult on.
I dont want to give the impression he is bad in some way as that isn't the case. I think he just needs to accept we can't live in the area he wants as we dont have that kind of money.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/10/2013 17:59

Does DP have champagne tastes on a cider budget, he needs to wake up. I can't believe a grown man in good health could fuss about an hour's commute. If it's beneath him to live with you somewhere less than perfect I don't think that says much for him. I hope he is planning to be 'hands on' with his child and not leave it all to you or MIL but sounds doubtful. Any tensions now will double later on.

Meanwhile if MIL is saying things about you now it seems risky to stay on after your baby is born. I share the view that she may focus very much on your pfb as an extension of her own DS and you will be made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.

JumpingJackSprat · 15/10/2013 18:07

he is probably hoping when the baby come that you will be happy to stay at mils. do what you need to do.

studentfinancehell · 15/10/2013 18:20

So where is your existing child? To get single parents allowance?

susanalbumparty · 15/10/2013 18:21

I am sure he has certain qualities but from what you have said he sounds a little cosseted and selfish. He isn't the one about to give birth with all the attending physical, mental and hormonal impacts. He should realise that you will need to feel comfortable, secure and relaxed after the birth and if you say that the best place for you is your house then he should respect that.

I really think you need to be in your own space after the birth to slob around in your PJs every day if you want to, to get used to breast feeding (if you choose to do that) without an audience and to just generally move freely around whenever and wherever you want to.

You sound like an independent, proactive and ambitious person. My advice is keep that independence, prioritise yourself and your baby and don't get persuaded into anything that you aren't 100% happy with. Very seldom is it that living with ILs works out well and the MILs text is a ver clear signal to me that you would be better off I your own house.

Bogeyface · 15/10/2013 18:34

So he just expects to other people to house him then?

His dad gave him a home, his mum gave him a home and then he was expecting you to change your plans to suit him and what he wanted?

Yes he is spoilt and yes he is entitled.

I am afraid to say that unless he undergoes a Road to Damascus-esque transformation (and it does happen!) when the baby is born, it may well get worse.

Selfish men rarely make good parents. Love is only one thing that a child needs. I am very glad that you are housing yourself in your own name and with your own money, because if he does turn into a bigger arse than he already is, it will make it much simpler for you.

Bogeyface · 15/10/2013 18:36

Student presumably she means that she will get that once the child is born.

Bogeyface · 15/10/2013 18:37

Sorry that should be "love is only one of many things that a child needs".

waltermittymissus · 15/10/2013 18:42

This is ridiculous. It's only a fucking hour!

When is the house ready?

Go home to the flat. Don't move back to his mum's for a few days. He has paternity leave so doesn't need to be there, even if the poor diddums finds an hour's travelling too much of a slog.

He needs to grow up a lot. Quickly.

He either stays with his partner and baby or at mummy's house. He can't have it both ways.

christinarossetti · 15/10/2013 18:45

Think of this as a little glimpse,into the future re your r relationship with your do and pil.

Yes, go home, accept the new house and focus on you and your baby rather than meeting the needs of everyone else.