Going to get out- terrified

[sus14]

Hi all, I posted on the divorce forum but I understand this forum has more traffic and also having spent the past day reading this entire thread I can see that I am in a similar situation to so many of you.

I ve been married 5 years, together 10 years. We got married when I was 6 months pregnant and I moved into his flat. Within a few months, the violence had started. The first time was wen I pulled a light pull and it broke in my hand. He hit me on the arm. The first photos of me and my daughter show a massive bruise on my arms where he had slammed a door into me. We had a very colicky baby due to an undiagnised milk allergy and at night while she was screaming he would drag me down the hall by my hair, throttle me, etc

He's bluffing. They all try this, get to see if we panic and tell them what they don't actually know.

Sus - you are not 'unleasing pain' on you all! You are capturing a bit of happiness for you all, freedom from fear, control of your own life, finances, body.

HE might be a bit put out (!) because he is losing control over you all, but that is not 'pain' for him.

Your dd will thrive in a calm climate, believe me.

I ve spoken to dd a little about the situation at home. She says that sometimes she hears us arguing at night- daddy is much louder I don't really hear you. She said wen we argue she feels scared. She says mummy gets told off all the time by daddy. She is also being unbelievably disrespectful to me recently but who can blame her. I can see the future rolling out with both of them shouting and name calling and then I will have lost the
Amazing connection I had with dd that I built up over 5 4 years of being a sahm before I went back to work. It still hurts that I am going to hurt him so much but I know its not right for a little girl to see her mummy constantly told off by her daddy. Appalling role model and she will end up with no respect for me at all :-(

Why do you think it will 'hurt him' so much if you leave? He spends his entire days shouting at you both. You can still arrange supervised access for him to see his dd, but you don't need to see him. He is a violent bully and the only reason he would be 'sad' to see you go is becasue he will have lost his control and he now has no-one to throw drinks over/shout at/drag by the hair across the room.

You are not responsible for his happiness.

And it is typical for your dd to emulate his behaviour - she has seen so much of it (esp if he was primarily the SAHP - how do you know what he was like with her in the days when you were working?)You really need to be strong now, for her sake, and show her (and him) that this behaviour is not normal and not to be tolerated.

Good god. You must leave, if anything just because of the first post, even if that is not happening right now.
Only his pride will be hurt.

You will be protecting yourself and your daughter.

Please don't rely on injunctions or whatever. Make sure that when you break up with him you leave or he does. Do it while he's away or with people around you.

It may be that he will be civil, but I doubt it, and I wouldn't want to risk it.

Take care.

Best to copy and bank and pension statements if you can . Screen grab or photograph them, then memory stick .

He does sound like a bully . You have to stop thinking about 'His' feelings and start priororitising Your feelings .
When did you last feel happy , elated , or calm? These are normal feelings that have been pushed aside. So what if he's upset or distraught, not your problem . He is the way he is with you , and after all the years thinks you won't leave him, so he carries on bullying.
With your Dad effectively on his side that also empowers him . You must be very careful if you go to your parents as your Dad will tell him you are there and might let him in .

Please leave this pathetic narcissitic man . The burden will be lifted from your shoulders and you and DD can go on to lead a normal happy life without the constant need to walk on egg shells and watch every word you say around him .

My dh's was horribly abusive, verbally and physically, to his mum. DH spent his childhood years hearing his mum bring shouted at and beaten through the walls. Whenever he went in the room and found his mum asleep, he checked her pulse because he thought one day he would find her dead.
When dh was 9 his mum made arrangements and found the courage to take him and flee in the night. He sees his mum as the most powerful woman in the world because of this act. She lead him to a staunchly feminist attitude, to seek equal relationships and love and be loved. She is an inspiration to him.
This is how your daughter will see you as she grows older. Please keep going, get out of there and make sure that this is the kind of mum and the kind of woman that you are.

Today we went out for the day and had a big row just before as he said my cat had kept him awake all night. I refused to let him drive on so little sleep. I can't actually even remember what he was shouting about. Of course right in front of dd. then we had quite a nice day and he tried to cuddle me a couple of times and I refused. On the way home he asked me again if I had seen a solicitor as if so he would leave and I just saw a way to begin the process - stupidly in hindsight - so I said yes and said I had enough as he wouldn't let up asking. We were in all the car. Then he starts crying and telling dd he was going away. Now dd and I have had a conversation about this and I explained to her he would still be her daddy and see her if he went away - but it wasn't right that we argued all the time. She repeated it all back to him! I do think she might be ok
Now in this process. He's not gone and I
Not sure what his plans are but he has detached from
Me which is slightly odd after all the emotional rants. I have to work tomorrow which is alarming leaving dd with him. So
I may tell oh I am not going to work but packing for us to leave to call his bluff. Feeling very stressed. And I already miss him now that he's not talking to me. Going nuts!

Be very very careful. Keep your phone on you at all times.

This is the most dangerous time for you and your DD, if I were you I would be leaving with her tonight. When they realise they have lost control is when they can up the ante, and I am really worried for you.

Take care and if he kicks off at all, in any way at all, call the police immediately, dont wait, dont think "oh he will calm down in a minute" call them straight away. If nothing else, they will help you leave safely.

Please don't leave DD with him. Please just pack and get out? Today if you can?

Seconding not leaving DD with him.

And leaving asap.

He's said he will go sat after working at the end of the week. Initially he said he couldn't go til after Xmas which just showed me how much e doesn't get it. We ve talked loads and he truly doesn't get it. I ve told him I am not going to work as I can't leave dd with him while he is so upset and pointed out he hit me when I was preg so why should I trust him. I ve emailed my dad and explained my reasons namely protecting my dds future . I hear what you are all saying but so far he is reacting precisely how I though he would and no shouting just tears.

I ve got two bosses I need to talk to at work tomorrow. The top boss I will tell everything to bit other one is more of a mate and I probably only need to tell him we re having a break up. I ll need two weeks off- is that justified in this situation ? Found a childminder but I need to rejig my hours so will take some negotiation. Assuming I can't be sacked for not going to work I this sit.

Thank you so much for all your replies I am reading this thread Over and Over to keep me strong.