Going to get out- terrified

[sus14]

Hi all, I posted on the divorce forum but I understand this forum has more traffic and also having spent the past day reading this entire thread I can see that I am in a similar situation to so many of you.

I ve been married 5 years, together 10 years. We got married when I was 6 months pregnant and I moved into his flat. Within a few months, the violence had started. The first time was wen I pulled a light pull and it broke in my hand. He hit me on the arm. The first photos of me and my daughter show a massive bruise on my arms where he had slammed a door into me. We had a very colicky baby due to an undiagnised milk allergy and at night while she was screaming he would drag me down the hall by my hair, throttle me, etc

Where are you both getting this very worrying impression of the OP's parents from?

Don't forget your documents, passports, bank details etc. really important.

Good luck. Be really careful your parents don't try to get you back together. Sounds like they aren't getting it.

My parents don't get it although I had a very god chat with my mum about her mum who used to behave in same way as my oh. Her father left meaning they were the target. Now she has chronic ibs most prob caused by childhood trauma. But she lived i dire poverty so she thinks I can't afford it. But, I have a job and family and we own out house outright so half of this will buy something small surely!
My dad just can't face up to
Anything bad- I had counselling for my cancer and re counsellor had a field day with him-so I understand how damaging he can be- he means well but hasn't a clue!

Is it better to stay there - or just bugger off for first week on hol somewhere- this is spending money I don't have and
Could inflame sit? At least at my parents I can let oh see dd in neutral places like playgrounds. Worried the more I anger him and separate him from her the more likely he is to do
Something like take her from school

At my parents we can be out most days and ill be going to bed same time as her!

I can't take my poor cat who has been through so much with me- just hoping he ll use her as a comfort rather than attack let - I left before and he became quite dependent on cat so hope so.

I woke up feeling really guilty but resolved this morning. Got ready for work with dd pottering around. Oh gets up and immediately has a go at me as heating on. Not just a comment- but shouting at me on and
On and on. Yesterday it was the same as he had replaced an item in our shopping order and I logged in secretly as changed it back. Hand wash for gods sake! He says I spend too much but he hardly looks for work and he is always buying puddings and curries as stuff we don't need.

My dd just sat there quietly through all this. As I went - I whispered to him- f you, I was so mad, and he said- no that's exactly what you don't do.

What if I miss my chance to leave as incident I can use was now 8 days ago. But I can't go to
Police until I am out and I can't get out until
He next works- next thurs?

Did you record that shouting?

No it all happened so quickly- no build up :-(

vivacia her dad is aware of her husbands behaviour- and sees fit to council him via email .. very cosy. Very easy for him to manipulate dad into being on his side.

OP. I don't know what to suggest. Can you talk to work? tell them you need some time. . you need to get to the police / solicitors etc.

x

I would suggest you phone 101 and tell them about that shouting, and your intention to leave. They can at least flag your phone number.

This is abuse of you and your daughter.

"But to involve the police again Just feels so awful to him."

Please contact the police again via their non-emergency line. It is very important to do so for many reasons. First is to be safe... and that has to be your top priority. Second is that you need it to be recorded that he is violent. This will stand you in good stead should you wish access to be supervised, for example. It also gives you the right to claim Legal Aid which you may need.

I would ignore the actions of the rest of your family incidentally as I think that is diverting your energy. Get yourself safe, get the police involved and then go the legal route of separating yourself and your DD permanently from this appalling man.

Good luck

It's a possibility, and one to be careful of, but I just don't see evidence that her dad will side with the husband and that dad is a dangerous enemy and that mum is just as bad.

I think there's a good chance it's worth saying what I said before, "Look Dad, the situation isn't what you think. Right now I need you, your granddaughter needs you and we need you to do X, Y and Z".

Her Dad's not the issue here. Get the police involved and Dad will quickly realise he's backed the wrong horse.

Sus14

I think you need to be strong and you need to go to your solicitor and take up the advice you have been given and report him to the police. I know this seems harsh, but you are suffering from a from Stockholm syndrome and you judgement is clouded by this. What this means is that you sympathise and protect your abuser, and an abuser is what he is.

You need to go into survival mode and you need to forget about your considerations for him (he doesn't consider you or you daughter in the same regard because if he did he would behave the way he does. As an abuser his rages are currently directed at you, and therefore you feel your daughter is safe....SHE IS NOT. Any person who is an abuser is a risk to everyone, this includes your daughter....she may not be on the direct receiving end of it now but it may be a different story when she is older and a difficult teenager.

Right now as you have said your daughter is witness to his abusive ways, please do not expose her to in any longer. The longer she is exposed to it the more she will assume that it is normal. This leaves her at great risk to being in an abusive relationship as a young teen/adult, the frightening thing then is that once she is an adult and making her own choices your ability to protect her from an abuser is greatly diminished. You will be exasperated when you see it happening and that when you try to help she is minimizing the level of abuse and she herself will be frightened to leave.

Things may not seem to have a particularly harmful effect on her now and you currently think that he is a good dad. However please bear in mind the example of a relationship you are showing her now? Don't show her that, show her instead that you will not put up with abuse, show her that strong women leave these situations and that you do not have to live in fear. I guarantee that in the short term and the long term your leaving will impact her in a far better and more positive way than your staying will. While at only 5 she may be upset and not understand, when she is older she will thank you and admire you for being strong enough to leave.

Your leaving for both your sakes does not have to mean the end of a father daughter relationship, but it can be the end of the abuse and destruction. It can and will be the best decision you have ever made, and once out your won't regret it.

So be strong, take all the help and support you can get. The ladies on MN are great and we are always here and will help you through. It will get better...tell yourself that because one day you will wake up and be so happy because you don't have to wait to be shouted at, abused and live in fear....you will be able to enjoy your new life and enjoy many many cuddles with your daughter....as many as you want and no one will say anything.

vivacia what, out of interest would you term a supposed dad who, knowing his daughter's being seriously abused, actually counsels and emails the perpetrator?

What, out of interest would you expect of one of your parents if you were being battered?

Would you be the same if your child pitched up broken at your door? Really? Are you identifying with that kind of monster? Would you help your child's abuser?

My mother would, my father would, but that's cos they are arses. They would prefer to see me suffer in a dangerous relationship than actually help me get out.

Why do parents like these do this? Because they get some sort of emotional payoff watching their children suffer, and furthermore have groomed them for this abuse in thé first place.

I agree that the father here is irrelevant, susie'd be better off seeing that she has to do this alone, in spite of her parents and without listening to them.

No excuse for people keeping another in an abusive environment, much less a child.

Susie, please reach out and get out as soon as you can, call the police every single time he scares you.

Report to GP, HV and everywhere you can, this will help you in the legal shit that this monster may hit you with.

If you don't report the domestic violence, you can't get legal aid.

I wasn't under the impression that dad knew about the abuse. I thought he was emailing his son-in-law to help him with his depression and "relationship problems". Hence why I asked my question - where is the evidence that Dad Is The Enemy And Mum Is Just As Evil? I ask because I've not seen the evidence and if it doesn't exist, I don't think it's good advice to tell the OP to block out possible means of support.

Yeah, whatever...

Record and document OP. If you can get his nastiness on tape....

Just wishing the OP strength with this - cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Off to see the solicitor this morning. Had a long chat on the phone and he advised against seeking injunction so as not to escalate things- also though was unlikely to get one. Feeling so guilty but again was having nice
Morning then he got up and was horrible as I had done a bagel for dds lunch rather than the crust of the bread he had made. He said he knows I am seeing someone today. I denied. V annoying as normally i go for a swim straight from drop off but I have bad cold so he
Knows not x

good luck sus!

don't underestimate them. I did, and it is a mistake. How does he know? What spyware has he got around? If you see the Daily Mail headlines today, you see that Gordon Ramsay admitted surveilling (sp) his D, and it cost £20.

Also: he knows you are seeing someone...

he always had a choice to look at his behaviour and change it.

What he 'knows' is none of his business! FWIW, all idiots like this accuse us of cheating when we start to wriggle free of them. They sense our strength and as they lloathe us so much think it inconceivable that the strength is ours alone, so we must be seeing someone.

The us leaving them is also their worst fear. What they fear most, what they insult us with, are the insults that'd hurt THEM most. When I had this from my ex, me turning the insults around, absolutely floored him, I was astonished!

If he threatens you, call the police.

It really is that simple. Please let the law deal with him. Don't invest a single second of worry over him. Please. He really isn't worth the headspace.

You are entitled to end a relationship for any reason. He has made this relationship impossible, and completely unviable. You are entitled to be left alone if that's what you want.

When you get away from him, Don't let him have direct contact with you, change email address, change numbers, and if you think he's got some tracking thing on your phone, ditch that too.

Can you get an IT person to clean your PC?

Fight back chick, and this guy has no right to do any of this to you. Disengage.

Oh, and making you give the heel of the bread to your child is ridiculous, most people chuck away the crusts.

If he's so precious about bread, tell him not to bother to make it, as it's not worth the aggro over what others actually bin!

Be strong love, once he's away from you, it'll all get easier.

He left a message on my voicemail saying he knew. But I had no trail so he couldn't have. I managed to bluff without actually lying just said it was ridiculous I couldn't jut pop to the shops. He's being nice today and getting

He left a message on my voicemail saying he knew. But I had no trail so he couldn't have. I managed to bluff without actually lying just said it was ridiculous I couldn't jut pop to the shops. He's being nice today and getting on with some DIY amazingly. It makes it hard. I would like to be on my own and back in control of my life but the amount of pain I am about to unleash on all of us scares me witless.

I liked the solicitor, will instruct him once over the leaving hurdle x

Sorry double posting as using phone! I mean he thinks he knows I am seeing a solicitor as I have threatened it in pas. Sol is going to write a letter suggesting he seeks legal advice and explaining my views and also that I will allow him access and want it amicable so that he should star on that basis too- I can pick it up on Friday and leave it with a note from me. Just looked at his rota and he could feasibly be home before school ends so if I do it ill have to take dd out at lunch- can I tell school it's a family emergency and get her out? Can tell her on way in we re going on surprise hol:-) . Just going for 3 nights but going to book thurs to avoid any post etx so fingers crossed still avail- !
I would have never have got so far without all of you thank you so much x seeing Dom abuse one stop shop m

If I were you, i'd tell the school the truth, that you are a victim of domestic abuse, it's escalating and you need to get out.

You're scared that this is the end.

Love it's just the beginning.. of your new safe, happy, free life. One where you get to see your DD grow, thrive and blossom.

I promise you you won't regret it. Yes it's hard, but it must be done. We're with you all the way.

Stay safe, keep the phone with you and call the police if you're scared. This is the most dangerous time.