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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP thinks I'm giving up too easily

51 replies

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 08:35

DP and I have been together for 4 years, 1 DS(2.3). We have been having problems generally for a long time, maybe before DS was conceived (surprise pg). We don't argue as such but I have had feelings of doubt for a long time and I think had DS not been born we'd have split up a while ago.
Obviously we have highs and lows and usually I would see the lows out but this time I just can't, I'm not sure I have any love left for him and looking back over the past year we have definitely grown apart. Now it's at the point where I feel like we're just friends living together. We have no sex life and if I'm honest I just don't have it in me to keep dragging it on.
DP thinks I'm not working hard enough to keep us together but I feel like half the relationship has been one long attempt at keeping us together. I'm tired and can't keep feeling like I'm the bad guy all the time.
To me this is a resolution.
So what I want to know is if I'm justified in how I feel or if I'm genuinely giving up too soon. I've lost all perspective so I'm happy to be told I'm wrong. TIA

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2013 09:01

Staying together simply for the sake of the child is rarely if ever a good idea.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

lisac99 · 15/10/2013 09:02

What kind of problems? Do you perceive the issues to be his fault / your fault, a mixture of both or is it just that you don't love him any more?

I don't think a fair perspective can be given if you aren't able to clarify the problems - If it's 'general' stuff, then maybe both of you need to consider counselling or talking through frustrations. If it's deeper (cheating / alcoholism / emotional or physical abuse) then counselling might not be the best option and you'd be dragging it on for no sake.

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 09:04

I think you are right. There is no point in flogging a dead horse :( If you're giving all you can and it's not enough then it's not enough and it never will be. You can't make a relationship work through hard work, it doesn't work like that.

I'm sorry.

overmydeadbody · 15/10/2013 09:06

If the love isn't there then there is no point in wasting your and your DH's time trying to make it work.

WaitingForMe · 15/10/2013 09:07

Does it matter what he thinks OP? If he hasn't met your concerns over the months and tried to improve things himself then I can't see why you should take his opinion into consideration.

After all, if you do separate you won't be concerning yourself with his opinions beyond those as a co-parent.

Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:13

Thank you for your replies. I'm trying not to drip feed but it feels like such a big mess!
There has been no abuse or anything dramatic. I do feel that the relationship is unbalanced as DP has a successful career (unaffected by the arrival of DS) which has gone from strength to strength over the course of our relationship. I don't feel like he appreciates how lucky he is to have such a strong sense of self and the opportunity to become successful. On paper it probably looks obvious but all I can think of is, 'this isn't right. I'm not happy'

DP thinks that it's life and other contributing factors that have made me feel like this, rather than just us. I agree but unfortunately the all of these things together have had me down for so long that I've run out of energy.
He is a good guy and I hate making him feel like this. I really have no idea what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:17

Berstie you've summed it up for me really. He just won't accept that though, which really makes me question myself.
I wonder to myself all the time about how people have long marriages. I would truly love to know how people do it. Do they just go through this every few years, battle through then come out the other side? - these are thoughts that have me questioning myself.

OP posts:
SweetSkull · 15/10/2013 09:19

isn't a issue with your own self esteem?
sorry but I can't understand what's the problem?
does he put you down for not being as successful as he is?

Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:22

It probably is to do with my self esteem. He doesn't put me down as such but he is so wrapped up in his own success that I feel like an underpaid babysitter sometimes.
I do work part time but the imbalance is quite stark IMO, obviously this doesn't affect him so he struggles to understand.

OP posts:
SweetSkull · 15/10/2013 09:25

So are you looking for a little bit more appreciation?

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 09:27

No, I don't think so.

I can't speak from personal experience because I've only been with DP 3 years, so not long term at all compared to some marriages. But if you do a search for old threads about long marriages then there is nowhere near a sense of constant battling coming up. This isn't right for you.

Relationships in a Nutshell - I love this article.

I never have doubts about how I will be in this marriage/relationship long term, in fact thinking about still being together in years and years makes me feel comforted. This is weird for me, I have never felt like this in a relationship before.

Why shouldn't women LTB This was a really interesting and thought provoking thread on the Feminism section recently, which might be worth a read. It's a different perspective on the idea of "what's the problem?" - I found it really thought provoking.

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 09:28

God, my posting style is horrible today! Anyway, I'm going for a run. Better get off the computer for a bit :)

Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:28

I suppose my lack of self esteem makes me question myself decisions. I don't think I love him anymore but getting that out and making it sound convincing are difficult. He wants explanations and reasons for why I feel like this and I just don't know if I have them.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 15/10/2013 09:29

What is he doing to make things right?

Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:29

Thank you Berstie I will read through them now. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:31

I don't think he knows what to do Lisa, I think I'm just causing him a lot of pain without much explanation (in his opinion).

OP posts:
LisaMed · 15/10/2013 09:32

Slightly different question - what is he willing to do to put things right?

SweetSkull · 15/10/2013 09:34

My ex husband sounded like yours. He wouldn't see his success as a result of opportunities, upbringing (luck), but as a result of his hard work only which is obviously impossible.
However he would look down on me and put me down all the time and compare his achievements with mine .... also he was very good at sports, and social life as well as his scientific career . I am a total apposite and this made my self-esteem and sense of self-worthy sink very low. I became resentful and lost so he found another woman who was more close to his 'level' instead of helping me find myself.

Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:44

He is supportive and wants me to do things that make me happy. But he says I'm too fixated on instant results.
For example I would like to re-train but we can't afford for me to leave my job at the moment. Within the next 2 years this will change but to me that's too long to wait and actually what if after 2 years and a lot of unhappiness it is us that's shit.
Splitting up won't help me get any closer to my own achievements but it will help me feel more in control of my own existence and might help my self esteem.
Am I making sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:46

Berstie that article is very interesting. I've no idea where I fit in to it but it is though provoking, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 09:47

*thought

OP posts:
SweetSkull · 15/10/2013 09:54

Can you not find something else to keep you happy ( hobbies) or even something that will bring more money during those 2 years? Are you absolutely sure you NEED to wait 2 years at all?

Original poster
Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:01

The cycle I seem to be in is that I think ok so I'll stay, try and find something more fulfilling to do and over time things might change. Then a voice just says 'but why, you don't love him'. I do wish I didn't feel like this, we have a lot in common, similar sense of humour etc. it just doesn't feel enough.
I'm rambling again sorry.

OP posts:
Loosingthebigkickers · 15/10/2013 10:03

I think you are fixating your need to change on to him. From what you've posted it seems like the problem isn't hiim..its his successful career and independence. You want that. I can understand why. But it sounds like he is trying to support you (I.e making future plans for you to retrain..its just that you don't feel you can wait)

I think you need to do some soul searching and list writing .
what is really making you unhappy. .what you want. . things you can do to work towards that.

I can't decide if you are flogging a dead horse or if your giving up on somthing you'll see very differently in a few years time when you are where you want to be on a personal level.

Loosingthebigkickers · 15/10/2013 10:05

Bottom line is though. .you either want it to work or you don't. You can fully commit to refinding yourselves as a couple. .the good bits that bought you together. . or walk away. But in these situations it is all or nothing. . pootling along is good for no one.