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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP thinks I'm giving up too easily

51 replies

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 08:35

DP and I have been together for 4 years, 1 DS(2.3). We have been having problems generally for a long time, maybe before DS was conceived (surprise pg). We don't argue as such but I have had feelings of doubt for a long time and I think had DS not been born we'd have split up a while ago.
Obviously we have highs and lows and usually I would see the lows out but this time I just can't, I'm not sure I have any love left for him and looking back over the past year we have definitely grown apart. Now it's at the point where I feel like we're just friends living together. We have no sex life and if I'm honest I just don't have it in me to keep dragging it on.
DP thinks I'm not working hard enough to keep us together but I feel like half the relationship has been one long attempt at keeping us together. I'm tired and can't keep feeling like I'm the bad guy all the time.
To me this is a resolution.
So what I want to know is if I'm justified in how I feel or if I'm genuinely giving up too soon. I've lost all perspective so I'm happy to be told I'm wrong. TIA

OP posts:

Original poster

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:10

Loosing you're spot on I think. I'm not sure I trust myself to make such a big decision and I have no idea really what the answer is.
His success is something I'm very proud of him for, but I don't think he appreciates that the more successful he becomes the worse I feel about myself. That sounds awfully selfish but I do feel like my life has been on hold since DS was born and I'm fed up of compromising my happiness. He won't see it like that though and says he is supportive of what I want, but whilst he says this nothing had actually been put in place to help me because we can't afford it. So essentially it's all talk.

OP posts:

SweetSkull · 15/10/2013 10:11

Sorry if I'm wrong but would it probably be that you are lacking love for yourself and mirroring it on him?
I can't explain properly what I mean but could that be possible?
Also you sound bored, maybe do more fun stuff together or alone or with friends, change your routine?

Original poster

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:15

Thank you again for your replies. It's so helpful to get it all out. It's no less confusing but it is helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:21

Now this does feel like drip feeding (sorry) but other than my own wages I don't actually 'see' our finances. I pay for our food and anything for DS out of my wages and DP pays for everything else. I have my own money to do as I wish but thinking about it, I take his word on what we can afford and I have no idea what he has left after the bills/rent etc. He isn't abusive with this but I do feel that he has an air of entitlement about our finances because he earns more. This has definitely made me less happy about waiting and I have never felt able to bring it up with him.
I'm sorry just to throw this in there but I suppose it's actually quite significant and has only just occurred to me.
Argh what a mess!

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2013 10:27

If he's so terrifically successful, why can't you afford to give up work for a short while to retrain, then? Families with quite modest incomes can usually afford one parent to stay at home for a couple of years, with a little financial prudence.

One thing you need to bear in mind is that you can actually leave if you want to, regardless of whether the party of the second part agrees. You don't even have to have a clear reason that would convince him, or anyone else on the planet, that you have tried "hard enough" and are now entitled to end it. If you are not happy the only duty you owe is to your child, to make the split as civilised as possible and try to co-parent amicably.

I am not saying you should leave him, I am just saying that it is always an option. One person cannot keep another in a relationship that the other doesn't want to be in.

CailinDana · 15/10/2013 10:28

The finances thing is not good. Is it that you feel you're supporting him to do well in his career by being there, looking after dd but he acts as if he doesn't need you.and won't support you in the same way?

CailinDana · 15/10/2013 10:29

Sorry ds not dd

Twinklestein · 15/10/2013 10:29

If you don't know what he earns, then you don't know if, when he says you have to wait 2 years, is actually true...

What will happen in 2 years?

Twinklestein · 15/10/2013 10:30

^^this is actually true.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2013 10:30

Ha, cross-posted. Somehow I'm not entirely surprised.

SweetSkull · 15/10/2013 10:34

And apparently his success is not translating money so is it fair to think there would be a struggle if he was less successful?

Honestly OP it seems that you are the one not realising the luck you have in your life based on what you are telling us.

I know some mothers with small children and demands careers and some with unsupportive husbands and some who are single and others who are even students, and they all found a way to pursue what they want against all the odds.

Others accept when the time isn't right and make the most of what they have.

But how do you think separation will help you in any way?
Do you want to be alone or find another man?

Original poster

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:34

A lot of his

OP posts:

Original poster

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:38

Sorry - a lot of his 'control' comes from the fact that I was working very part time (and volunteering) when I fell pregnant. We weren't living together and he had to just sort of get on with paying for things when we moved in together. I've never felt comfortable with the imbalance but I've had no leverage to change things. I think he believes it's his job to provide but as a result I'm left feeling like the little lady at home. I'm only 25 if that makes any difference in this.

OP posts:

Loosingthebigkickers · 15/10/2013 10:39

vital Q- how old is ds? I know I sure as hell feel simalar to you in terms if life on hold etc.

Also.. you need to approach this finance issue. Its not abuse unless he's purposefully withholding but its possible he just hadn't really put thought into it because you earn too. Talk to him and be totally honest (I mean.. in a light hearted way as possible. .what do you have to loose by laying it all out on the table if your not sure you wanna save it anyway! )

I think the most valid point in all of this is your self worth.

Sit him down. Tell him you want full access to all the finance so you can work out together the logistics of you retraining now. He thinks you want instant results. Maybe you can actually afford to right now but he's scared and wants more savings first. Perhaps you just can't right now but rather than take his word you need to see it for yourself.

Also tell him. You want a career to feel proud of the way he does. He needs to validate your feelings and help you towards them.. presumably you've been there to support him as his career progressed. Now you need him cheer leading you.

and then. Get s babysitter. reguarly. once a month... go out and have fun.. if you want to. .truly want to. .after allthe above has been discussed .. you give it your all.. both of you.

This could work. .. you just need to figure out if you want it to. Im not saying if you reach your personal goals you'll be madly in love with him again. .they are separate issues too. But you can try. Some times relationships run their course. .. but sometimes they just get lost and need help getting back on track.

Original poster

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:39

Sweet maybe I don't realise how lucky I am. How do I realise that though

OP posts:

SweetSkull · 15/10/2013 10:40

Oh yes. Just seen the drip feeding financial situation.
I knew there was more to it....,

So OP you both need to sit down, open the books, and work out a plan.

I personality couldn't leave with a partner if I didn't have an understanding and access of their financial stuff.

This goes hand in hand with trust.

Twinklestein · 15/10/2013 10:41

If you feel like you have 'no leverage' - you're basically saying you feel powerless in the relationship..?

Original poster

Gnocchgnocch · 15/10/2013 10:42

Please don't be hard on me about this. I'm struggling to understand my feelings and it's all if this together that have contributed to how I feel now. Thank you for all your input. I think I ought to leave it now and talk to DP tonight.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2013 10:46

So you're not really sure yourself whether it's a case of "grass is greener" syndrome, or if you have a right to be dissatisfied. But then that's why you're posting here, isn't it: in search of clarity.

Tell us a little more about this, if you don't mind (from your original post):

I feel like half the relationship has been one long attempt at keeping us together. I'm tired and can't keep feeling like I'm the bad guy all the time.

What do you feel you have been doing, that you no longer have the energy for?

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2013 10:47

Heh, another cross-post, I specialise in those.

getmeoutofthismadhouse · 15/10/2013 10:49

Maybe you just need a break to work out your feelings. Sometimes you become so weighed down by daily life and all the negatives that its hard to see the positives. I thought I had fell out of love with my kids Dad. We split and now a year down the line I know I love him more than I thought but its too late for us. Maybe things have just got stale , if you dont want an actual break away from each other perhaps a holiday together to find yourselves again?

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2013 10:49

Loosing, her DS is 2.3, she says in the OP.

Dahlen · 15/10/2013 10:50

I'm not convinced your perspective on life will change if you leave your DP. If you are bored, frustrated and completely lacking in motivation and fulfilment, becoming a single mother could actually make the whole thing worse because you'll have more demands on you, but less spare time and less money to actually follow your dreams.

The state of your relationship and the state of your life are definitely linked though. Your DP's success would not bother you if you were happy with your life, in fact you'd be revelling in it. Instead, you clearly resent it. I suspect that's because you feel it's been built of the back of your self-sacrifice. You had the child and facilitated his career advancement seemingly for no reward - the outside world doesn't really acknowledge and praise child-rearing, let alone pay a lucrative wage for it. Meanwhile he's achieved career accolades and a rising salary.

You certainly aren't the first mother to feel like this. Society encourages these roles to a large extent, and their normalisation encourages us to think it's something wrong with the relationship rather than the structural inequalities in society.

Does that mean you should stay with him and change your life? I don't know. What I would say though is that if you can explain yourself to him and he doesn't make your happiness and fulfilment family priority number one, then it's clear he doesn't consider your needs as important as his, and you'd have justification for your decision to leave.

Loosingthebigkickers · 15/10/2013 10:56

Appologies Annie. Its been a long night.

OP. its an emotive situation so your feeling sensitive. If you need to talk don't leave

..our dc are the same age. I knew that's why I was identifying with you.

Very occasionally I'll have a fleeting 'is it him?' moment..I know its not though. I love him deeply. . Its my own self esteem (lack of it) spilling into other areas.

However the foundation of my relationship is different to yours. We've been together a long time. .we were a couple for a long time. Just as yours was starting you were both thrust into parenthood and responsibility. Its a huge adjustment. Perhaps you need to focus on strengthening what you have.

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 11:04

Dahlen is right too of course. If you're generally feeling unsatisfied and it's not the relationship causing this, removing that factor (the relationship) won't help. It might be worth working within it to see what you can do.

I would start by sitting down with DH and looking at a long term plan for you. If you do not feel fulfilled at the moment, what would make you so? A plan for working, either soon or later? More children? Something (you feel) is more worthwhile to do at home? Retraining? More responsibility for e.g. finances, etc? Talk to him about the differences you see between his and your lives. He may not understand, but he should listen, and try to see your point of view. It can make you feel enourmously supported if he is willing to sit down and make long term plans for you. It's easy when you're in a "career" kind of job, to plan for the future and moving up and taking on X, Y or Z, harder when you're at home and there isn't an accepted "ladder". So look at your life as a whole, and see what you would like to add to it to enrich it, and then plan how this will happen. (He needs to be open with the finances on this as well).

If he won't/can't do this then I think I would be asking questions about how supportive he really is, and in fact whether he takes you for granted.

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