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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Persistent betrayals - I'm such an idiot

64 replies

LadySybilPussPolham · 15/10/2013 01:22

Just found out for the umpteenth time that H is having phone/text/email sex with not one but 3 women (that I know of, and no idea if he's having a physical affair). We've been together for 10 years, married for nearly 8 and have 2 DC aged 4 and 6.
I'm so ashamed and angry with myself for not walking away years ago. How have I let it come to this? He'd left his phone unlocked in the kitchen and i walked in and saw he had a fb message from a mini-skirted woman. I knew what I was going to find but was shocked to find 3 message streams going on, all in the same vein. This was while he was looking after DC's, shopping and getting dinner ready - who says men can't multitask!

I made him go upstairs away from the DC and confronted him. I thought I was calm but I completely lost it. I've never felt rage like it in my life - I threw the phone at him and just exploded. My hand was bleeding afterwards from hitting him. I'm not proud of this.
It hit me like a brick in the face yesterday that he's never going to change.
It's happened before we were married, when I was pregnant, at Christmas, on holidays - nothing is sacred. It's like some sort of sick addiction. He's always desperately sorry but somehow it always spins round into some blame on my part for not being the perfect attentive wife.

I'm grieving for my dad, he died a month ago from cancer. I dont know if I can do this too. He says he'll do anything to make it right but I can't let myself believe it any more. I'm sick of having the same conversation. I'm so fucking angry that it has to be me who says No More.
I'm so tired. H is downstairs snoring on blowup bed and I'm up here crying thinking about my stupid choices and what a life I've made for my DC.

I think I just needed to say all of this. I'll need to tell people soon. I'm also panicking about ending it and terrified about the future. I'm totally dependent financially. Bloody hell

OP posts:
whatdoesittake48 · 15/10/2013 10:50

Violence is never right but from a woman towards a man the dynamic is different. he was never scared of her...

That said - facebook and online chat rooms etc are the death of many marriages. Why do people allow themselves to be sucked in.

Good luck for the future.

Original poster
LadySybilPussPolham · 15/10/2013 11:16

Just spoke to H on the phone and he is surprised that I want to split up as he hasn't had an affair! Keeps saying he doesn't want to lose me and he's sorry, he'll do anything. Oh god I'm in bits I really don't know how to get through this

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/10/2013 11:17

Too little too late and his perception of his behaviour is not here not there.
Your decision. You have to know what you want to put up with.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2013 12:30

You would be a fool to stick around for more of the same shitty treatment

You know he isn't going to stop. Getting his pathetic thrills whilst supposedly caring for his kids is a new depth of addictive behaviour

You can't help him with that. He has to help himself and the only thing that will motivate that is if he truly loses you. Otherwise, it's simply a few tears, a few empty promises and right back to square one we go.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/10/2013 12:33

On your own words "I'm sick of having the same conversation"...I think you'll still be having it if you stick with him.

Jan45 · 15/10/2013 12:41

He is surprised you want to split up??? Is that because he's been getting away with it for years then?

Sorry but this has probably happened again because there's never really been a consequence of his previous actions.

Until you make a stand and actually do something proactive about his problem then it's a case of put up and shut up.

He hasn't had an affair but you've seen already him having sex chat with 3 women, that you know about.

Honestly, this will destroy any self respect you have left so hang on to it and don't let him bring you down again.

amber381 · 15/10/2013 12:43

I am just in Shock that anyone would zone in on the part of the OP about hitting him. He is the one in the wrong here. The OP says 'I'm not proud of this'. That is enough of an acknowledgement that hitting out is not the right thing to do. It is unbelievable the way that in so many cases it seems to be women that have to maintain 100% self control throughout the most awful betrayal and treatment and are turned on the minute they lose it for a moment and accused of domestic violence?! Wtf?

DaisyBD · 15/10/2013 12:50

amber look at it from the other point of view. If a man came in here and said he'd hit his partner so hard his hand bled, would everyone be saying that she drove him to it, that the situation she created caused him to lose it, that life is shit and we all do things we shouldn't in the heat of the moment? No, we'd all be saying LTB, and violence is never the answer.

I'm really sorry you're in this place, OP, I hope you find the strength to resolve it. Truly. Thanks

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2013 12:51

Doesn't matter what he says right now.
I'm have no doubt that you've heard it all before - MANY TIMES!
He now needs to understand loss - and that means he has to move out right now - today.
You need some distance to get your head clear and understand what you want.
Tell him you want no contact at all unless it's about seeing the kids.
NO he cannot come round and bath them and put them to bed etc....
You need to stand your ground this time. It will keep happening.
He needs to leave, get some help and then you can talk.
Good luck - you know what you have to do!

Mosman · 15/10/2013 13:23

Hitting out is indefensible, I've done it and an disgusted with myself in retrospect, maybe he should have hit me back I don't know. I do know once the line is crossed though things are never the same again.

Original poster
LadySybilPussPolham · 15/10/2013 18:55

He can't move out immediately as we don't have enough money straight away for deposits etc and our credit rating is shot to bits. He's lurching from sorry to angry to tearful. He's offered to go stay with his sister for a few days but wants to talk things through on Sat night. Pretty sure he'll try to convince me to try again. He says he has a right to talk about his feelings but after so many incidents I don't think I should have to go through the conversation again. This is so hard. I'm going to confide in my mum later - if I tell her it's somehow more real and it'll be much harder for me to have him back.

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 15/10/2013 18:58

Don't talk to him. That is the hook that draws you back in.

BOTH OF YOU need space from the other at the moment. You, so you can experience a bit of peace, and him, so he can experience loss of the thing he takes for granted - his family.

Don't talk to him. It is cold turkey and it is important.

Vivacia - your po-faced commentary on a distraught (and NOT controlling which is what real DV is) reaction is not worth replying to.

Longdistance · 15/10/2013 19:55

Just tell him to go to his sisters. What happens after that as to where he stays is his problem.

He caused it, you control it Wink

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2013 20:19

Send him to his sisters and tell him you are "not ready" to talk. Permanently.

Viv, I am a bit surprised at your "whataboutthemenz" meanspirited input to this thread too.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2013 20:20

Love, if he sticks around you will fall for the flannel. You know you will.

Lweji · 15/10/2013 21:01
Hmm

Violence should never be excused. And I've slapped now exH once. In hindsight I should have finished it then.
It opened the door for him to be violent with me and in doing so I was someone I didn't like.
At the time I felt entitled to so it, as per the stereotype that women can lash out, but not men.

I now see it differently. Any violence in a relationship is wrong.

And I practice self defence. I have never had nor seen anyone bleeding from a thumb when hitting the punch bags. It must have been either a very awkward or very strong hit.

What if you happened to be holding a knife? The consequences of lashing out could be catastrophic.

This is why you need to leave or tell him to. Now.
You don't want to become that person again.

And because he's a bastard it doesn't make it right to hit. Just to leave

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2013 21:05

I don't excuse the violence. OP doesn't excuse the violence.Yes, it should count towards this being the last straw. But equally, so does his behaviour

IMO, going after OP for her hitting him serves to excuse him and make her blame herself, the danger being she is more likely to stay with him

It should be possible to support OP and not make her feel worse than she already does

Lweji · 15/10/2013 21:15

The fact remains that the OP should leave for two reasons.
One, that he's a cheater.
Second, that she turned violent on him.

She has shown the right attitude about it, so far, but it should not be overlooked. When talking about why ge should LTB.

mcmooncup · 15/10/2013 21:16

Abuse isn't just violence. It is about control, manipulation and entitlement.

We should not put this in the same category. This is of the same vein as a fight in the pub. A one off - i.e. still not good by any stretch but it is not accurate to call it DA. Using the words domestic abuse, very much diminishes the actual experience of people who have suffered systematic abuse - abuse that absolutely destroys many/most parts of the victim's lives. Actual violence is 'only' a small part of the dynamic of most DA situations.

And OP, please LTB.

There is nothing left to see there.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2013 21:18

That is true, Lweji and I agree with you.

I don't think making her feel bad would help with that though, IMO. It would make her more likely to fall into the age old trap of thinking there is something wrong with her and if she was just a bit nicer/could keep her temper in the face of extreme provocation/could swallow her unhappiness and give him more blow jobs etc then all could be well again

we know how that script goes

Vivacia · 15/10/2013 21:44

mooncup I don't think anyone suggested OP had been abusing her husband.

Lweji · 15/10/2013 22:05

Oh, this is definitely not a case of being nicer to him at all. Only of leaving.

I do hope you understand that, Lady, and that this is very clear in your mind.

I do mention the episode of violence and point out how serious it is because if you were to continue in this relationship, not only you would only get further hurt by his behaviour, but you would also risk repeating the violent behaviour, and him responding to you, and things getting really, really bad. It could easily become a vicious circle of violence and co-dependency.

The best for all concerned, even him, is to walk away now.

Oh, and he has no right to voice his feelings. You want to split, you split. That's it.
Particularly considering his behaviour.

onefewernow · 15/10/2013 22:14

He has rights. He wants. And the victim playing years he is producing.

Please wake up and chuck him the fuck out.

My H did this for over 5 years without my knowledge but certainly with my suspicion.

I took him back.

He will NEVER get a second chance to do this to me.

He has no reason to change because he thinks he doesn't have to really.

And, to answer your question, you stay because you have become as obsessed with stopping it as he us about doing it. It is a sort of "game" you are playing.

Stop playing it, take your head from out of his life, and start living yours.

onefewernow · 15/10/2013 23:31

Lordy, my predictive text has become practically unintelligible.

I am simply saying, been there, done that. Get out, and quick.

MaBumble · 16/10/2013 01:06

OP I'm so sorry, he's a shit and you are better off without. My very first LTB.

If it helps the one and only time I was violent in my entire life was to my cheating, financially and emotionally abusive XH. I slapped him across the face. His nose bled. He had just kissed the OW ( who was supposed to be a friend) in front of me. Didn't know that I'd not gone home ad he'd ordered me, but for some reason had turned on my heel and walked back onto the club.
Horribly Jeramy Kyle. Turned my back on it all after that and have a good life now. It was a Huge mistake at the time, because he used it to twist everything. but a totally human reaction.

Get as far away from him as you can. Good luck, you deserve better.