So sad about our relationship ... advice needed

[worriedhusband99]

Hello

I wonder if any mum's here could give me advice on my relationship.

The background. We are both 40, we met when were about 20 at university and have been together pretty much constantly since then. We were more or less happy all of the way through that, when I look at photos we clearly had fun and we have lots of happy memories.

We had our first child, a boy, 5 years ago. The pregnancy was stressful for my other half, I will call her Kelly, because I was working from home and we were trying to sell our house at the time. It was obviously a stressful time for her but I have to admit I was, at times, intolerant and impatient. She also struggled with her mental health prior to the delivery, this had not been an issue before.

She had a difficult delivery, lost a lot of blood, and had a lot of problems after the birth. Again these affected her mental health and at the time I did not really appreciate how much. I was still living away from home but in the process of moving back. I tried to be understanding and helpful but was also became irritated about how hard she found it to cope.

From then our relationship has really struggled. There are lots of other causes, probably more or less equal from both sides, but generally we have not been happy since for any prolonged period.

We had our second child about 18 months ago, another boy, and we probably had a second, if we are honest, because we wanted a sibling. I don't think our relationship had improved significantly but we were getting better.

Since our second came along our relationship has been at an all time low. I think we occasionally try to improve things, I think I probably try more than her. She has given up, I am sure.

Now: We are living in a totally loveless life. I am constantly lonely, sad, cold and rejected. I feel that she punishes me with loneliness by finding things to do whenever she is alone with me in the house. Our sex life is non-existant. On the other hand, I am short tempered, aggressive at times, irritable and overly critical. Because of some of the things I have mentioned above, and some other things, she is very resentful and bitter towards me but will not explain exactly why.

The future: we are due to move a long way away, about 2.5 hours. I have a very good job there and it is a lovely place to live. However, it has involved selling our family home and moving our eldest between schools. We do not know anyone where we are moving to. Kelly will not have a job but will look when we get there, her employment prospects are good. The housing there is far more expensive than where we are now and we will have to move into rental for a year or so.

I am very worried about the move. We row about it constantly and have done for about 6 months. Nothing within the rows ever gets resolved and I am sure we are rowing because neither of us wants to move, or at lest neither of us thinks it will be a good idea.

I honestly feel that the best thing to do would be for me to move and for them to stay here and I commute at weekends. That would probably mean that I would have to do that for a year or so until a job turned up locally but that might never happen and we could be separated for ever.

I think we both know that staying together as a family is what we want to do, at more or less any cost, but I am starting to think that the cost will be too high. We will never be happy when we move.

I think we have both acknowledged all of the problems in our relationship, in the sense that we are honest that there is no love, warmth, and affection. We have not really explained but I have tried to improve the way I behave. I suspect Kelly thinks she has tried but I have not seen any evidence of it, but I am sure she feels the same.

So, long post, sorry...

Where do we go from here. I can add more detail if it would help.

Sad Sack.

I don't think you know what you want, do you? Would you not miss your DC if you only saw them at weekends?

Yes, I would be destroyed if I had to live apart from my children.

If you are short-tempered, aggressive, overly critical etc, it's not much wonder she doesn't want to bring up issues.

I'm sorry your relationship is doing badly just now. If you, and your wife, want to improve things then couples counselling may be worth a try. If she is not willing then maybe some counselling for yourself to start then persuade her to join you if it is going well.

As it stands it doesn't sound happy for either of you and that doesn't make for a happy childhood for your children.

50/50 residency is more common now depending on circumstances.

I have thought about counselling a few times, and even suggested. You are right that I could go myself and perhaps that is a good idea. Kelly has never really taken much interest in that as possibility for her, however.

I think we would find two homes which would be suitable for the children unaffordable. At least for a good few years.

I think you really need to sort out your relationship before making any life changing moves, and I say that from experience. Anything else is just papering over the cracks.

Have you considered counselling? Somewhere neutral where you can both air your opinions and feelings.

How long do you have before you need to make final decisions? Have you resigned yet?

A surprising number of homes are suitable for children, more suitable than an emotionally unhappy one, however many bedrooms.

The job is certain, I can't back out at this stage without risking having nothing here to go to.

It's good that you understand how you have contributed towards the current state of your marriage.

It's possible that your wife doesn't know what exactly she resents. From what you say, it may well be a constant torrent of criticism, aggressiveness and irritability.
Have you ever been physically violent with her? Have you threatened her? Or broken things at home?

What does she find to do at home while you are there?

It does seem like you both need outside help. Counselling is a good option. Maybe even give each other some breathing space.
But ultimately it goes down to good will towards each other. If it's not there, I don't think you'll make it.
Don't stay just because you can't leave the children. Stay because of their mother. Or don't.

Well, a move seems a bad idea right now, can't you stay put.

You don't mention your DSs - are they always out of the way when you argue?

Do you have fun with your DSs, take them off out and give your DW time away from them to do something she is interested in.

If you're both unhappy it's hard to improve relationships so maybe doing things apart eg as suggested with DSs might relieve the tension a bit.

If you commute then the mental and physical toll it will take on you personally will be very damaging, let alone what it will do to your marriage and to your family.

"It's possible that your wife doesn't know what exactly she resents. From what you say, it may well be a constant torrent of criticism, aggressiveness and irritability. "

It is also possible that this started after she became cold, disinterested and unkind towards me.

I am trying to be as fair as possible to both of us, neither of us are the innocent party, but it is not as if everything was perfect then I started a "constant torrent of criticism".

One point that Venushasrisen raises is a good one, I do offer to take the boys, and try to so she can do things she is interested in but she doesn't ever take up the offer. In fact every time I suggest doing that it causes a row.

If DW is unhappy or depressed being on her own all week with DCs might not be the best arrangement for her. Is there family around for support?

No family at either location but she does have a good group of friends here. This is my main worry about moving us, that she will find it far harder than she expects.

Can you arrange to sit down together to discuss things, pre arranged so you can both think of what you want to say, only one can speak at a time and take turn about. At a time without interruptions.

Perhaps you should go first because of the job, 6 months trial or something, and they can follow later or not if at some point in the future you both decide to separate.

So, she triggered the problems in the marriage?

You didn't answer about your aggressiveness. If there is any violence in your relationship you should definitely split, at the very least until that aspect is dealt with.

No violence.

Well she has hit me a couple of times but more lashing out in frustration.

If I am really honest, I think what triggered everything was a gradual but relentless lack of effort from both of us.

You both sound frustrated and unloved.

Do you see a future with your wife? Do you see yourself caring for her?

Forgetting what may or may not be possible or 'reasonable' what do you want? Where do you want to be in 5 years time, ideally? Do you want you and your wife to be skipping through Meadows? Do you want an amicable break up and 50/50 custody? The chance to meet someone else you can be happier with?

Do you love your wife?

Do you think you can rein in your own behaviour?

I'd like us to be a happy, content, loving family who are together.

I am not sure either of us love each other at the moment.

I think my behaviour would improve significantly if hers did. When I have tried it hasn't lasted because she has made no effort. More or less by her own admission, she thinks I am being unreasonable asking her to make an effort with our relationship when she is so tired from the boys. I can see her point of view, however.

Do you think she loves you?

If you asked would you be scared to hear the answer?

Do you have fun any of the time?

Do you think you parent well together?

Do you think you are as you describe as aggressive etc our it's this her opinion?

Can you do more around the home so she is less tired?

Do you think she could be depressed?

How was your relationship before kids?

So, how are you prepared to contribute with the boys, or is she unreasonably tired? It could be a sign of depression.
Does she have a job?

If she is depressed, and doesn't want to get help, you may need to use some tough love.

And, still, how aggressive are you? You said you haven't hit her, she did. So, what have you done/usually do?