Has anyone had a good experience of Couples' Counselling?

[JacqueslePeacock]

I'm going through some difficulties with DH (no abuse or affairs, just communication issues and stupid patterns of behaviour - mostly mine) so we've been seeing a Relate counsellor. I feel like it's making no progress at all.

Last week the therapist suggested I pack in my career and become a SAHM or PT schoolteacher instead as it would be better for my DC. This week she didn't seem to listen to DH or me at all and instead offered us lots of "advice" which clashed drastically with what we were telling her. Is this normal?? I had really high hopes but it just seems to be a waste of time.

Part of my problem may be that I had a lot of childhood abuse and still have many issues relating to this, which the current therapist just seems to be ignoring. She changes the subject if I bring it up.

Has anyone had anything positive come from couples' counselling? Should we look for a private counsellor instead? Or just give it up as a bad idea?

Dh and I used relate for 1 session 7 years ago when we got back together after a 3 month separation. We didn't feel the counsellor had any real insight so we found a couples counsellor at a private practise and he was fantastic.

All counsellors are different and you need to find one who 'gets' you both. If you don't like your current one find another. If both of you are willing and honest there really should be good progress being made by now.

Also, her ignoring your childhood seems absolutely ludicrous! She sounds pretty ineffective TBH.

Thanks, Captain. The ignoring my childhood thing IS odd - it seems to make her uncomfortable and she looks a bit out of her depth, but that can't be right for a therapist surely??

Perhaps we should look for a private therapist and it's just Relate that's not great. I have no idea what to look for in a therapist though - there seem to be lots about but I really don't know how to choose one.

Anyone else had any positive experiences of couples' counselling to inspire me?

Two close friends of mine are counsellors and they once told me that anyone choosing to see any counsellor professionally has to be very careful about the counsellor they see.

Quite simply - everyone has an agenda.

Lots of counsellors are unable to keep their personal opinions separate from their professional views and, so I was told, there is a bias in some counsellor training that sees any problem in a marriage as being the fault of the man... and thus often a bad counsellor can influence a wife to go down the divorce rather than the reconcilliation route.

Bad counsellors are probably responsible for more divorces in the UK than good counsellors are responsible for saving marriages.

If you have a man-hating counsellor who believes that men are responsible for all the ills of the universe then you might get short-term satsifaction from the counselling sessions... but you will probably end up divorced and, a year or two from now, be wondering how you ended up so.

ask for someone else - we went to see a counsellor many years ago and she hardly said anything - gave us some communication tips

Goodness, this counsellor is definitely not biased against DH! He and I both noticed that she tends to give priority to his opinions over mine. I suspect she is not keen on WOHMs as she keeps stressing that my career is not ideal for DC.

Communication tips is what we could do with, actually. Rather than career advice.

Well I hardly think it's likely the OP's got a 'manhater' counsellor if this one's telling the woman in the couple to give up her career and is guilt-tripping her about her children. I guess lots of counsellors don't listen, just like some posters don't read...

I've never been but I know that Relate gets slated on here and I've read that not all of their counsellors are even qualified. In the past few weeks, there have been lots of posts about how generally useless Relate has been, so you're clearly in good (or bad) company and your experience is not isolated.

I accept the point that counsellors are drawn from the general population and so like all of us, have grown up within a patriarchal society, but I'm gobsmacked that a supposedly professional counsellor is articulating these blatantly sexist views and is also giving advice.

Obviously, stop the counselling with this blithering idiot immediately, but do report your experience to their Head office. I suspect that few clients actually complain about their experiences and just cancel or stop turning up, when like any service you're paying for, if it's bad the bosses need to know.

From everything I've heard from people in real life and on Mumsnet, the best couples counsellors are private therapists who are actually qualified through the professional body and won't mind you checking that or screening them about their qualifications and experience before booking.

I didn't say that the OP has a man-hating counsellor - I merely warned that such counsellors do exist and if someone is genuinely trying to save their marriage then inadvertedly seeing such a person will cause more harm than good.

But what relevance has it got to the OP who seems to have a woman-hating man-pleasing counsellor?

I've heard bad things about Relate an awful lot on here, I have to say, though one poster had had a really great experience. I've heard that there is a feeling Relate often want to save the marriage at all costs, and that often means assuming an affair means problems in a marriage (it can. It can also be what caused them).

As has been said, counsellors are human and it's really important you feel heard and supported. One ignoring you on abuse is appalling. I'd definitely leave, and actually if you and DH wrote a joint letter setting out your concerns, that might help as well. Imagine if this person were dealing with a couple where there was serious, but not physical, abuse? I'd find a different counsellor.

DH and I have had several sessions with a lovely counsellor who works at a place my friend works at, so my friend recommended her to us. She is amazing and really helps us to see each other's point of view, facilitates calm discussion about difficult subjects, and reminds us of the positives in our relationship. We have also both seen her individually to talk about our own issues which clearly influence how we relate to one another. She is also happy for us to call her should we go through a tricky patch at any time. IMO time and money well spent if you find the right person. Maybe you live near me in which case I can recommend her!

We are on session 9 (one each, 7 jointly) I am not sure it's helping! At least not helping get us to fix things.

I'm the one wanting out and it has identified that DH and I have Huge communication issues but I still feel uncomfortable saying things I know he will find hurtful/hard to hear (e.g. I have not really bought up his porn addiction for example - it is important but not that major in the totality of things) and much of it seems to be a pity party for him. H says he regards the sessions as a pennance for his behaviour but that each session makes him feel worthless, valueless and suicidal and he said this week that he does not like the person I have become.

I feel a bit angry and unsupported and like the pressure is on me to fix things - since I am the one wanting out - and re connect with him.

I think I thought it would be more solution focused, all it seems to be about is how we feel.

I guess it depends what you want out of it and what your expectations are.

Possibly I should stop paying and divert funds to a solicitor instead or revert to uncomplaining surrendered wife mode!

Sorry Op you asked for positive experiences.

Op I've been to relate and it was brilliant. Nothing like the experience you describe however. The counsellor does not sound very good.

I went to relate and had a really positive experience too - although it ended up helping me deal with the aftermath of a relationship rather than fixing the relationship. In the circumstances though that was the best thing and I felt that I got really supportive advice.
I think it's a case of finding the right person though. Can you ask to see someone else, or find a bigger centre where they have different therapists?

I had a good experience with relate too. We had 6 sessions together and it was good to have someone there who made us really listen to what each of us had to say. She asked about upbringing and our lives and personalities prior to meeting and also got us to recount the early years of the marriage etc.

We also went for a quiet coffee together at home after each session (when kids still at school) and carried on with what we had covered in that day's session.

I think if you have a good counsellor, then the sessions are invaluable but to be honest, I'd have not been impressed if I'd had the one you've got! Probably best to find another, and be completely honest with each other in the sessions (even if some things may be hurtful or difficult) to get the best out of them.

Thank you so much for all the replies! I'm sorry so many people seem to have had bad experiences, but am relieved to hear it has been helpful for some.

Northby, yours sounds a bit like the opposite of ours - all our counsellor talks about is solutions when both DH and I are trying to discuss how we feel. She then seems to ignore how we feel, and suggests solutions which don't relate to what we've been saying at all. Ugh. I would suggest that we swap, but I don't think you want ours! In your situation I would suggest giving it one more go and being totally, totally honest - a porn addiction is a huge thing which you need to talk about. I think your DH is being a tad manipulative if he's sayings he's suicidal after each session : of course you don feel you can speak freely! If he's genuinely suicidal he should tell the therapist.

DH and I have no problem talking honestly to each other, actually - the most useful part of the sessions was where the counsellor shut up and we had chance to talk to each other. It did cross my mind that a counsellor-shaped cardboard cut-out might be what we really need....

Anyway, I've cancelled our next session as I just can't face it. Now the onus is on me to find someone new. No idea how to do that. BigArea, you're not in East Anglia, are you?!

Will you report your experiences OP? I hope you do. Think of what damage a counsellor like that could do a woman who's saddled with a misogynist, but who is so downtrodden she thinks what he says about women is true, only for it to be endorsed by a counsellor.

Good luck in finding a new one though. It would be great if all counsellors had at least some grasp of sexual politics eh?

Not entirely about your specific issues, but may be worth looking at:
What is your advice for the survivor looking for a trauma therapist? This guy talks about how therapists are also people, and there is inevitably some 'shopping' you have to do to select a good one.

I had experience with 2 different Relate counselors and found one of them similar to the person you're describing. She was introducing her own background and views into the discussions which was utterly unhelpful and distracting. I had one session with her, and asked for a different counselor straight away. I am still going to Relate and finding sessions with a different counselor very helpful.

I think that if you don't click with the counselor and are not able to build a trusting relationship with him/her, then your sessions are doomed. Whether that's due to their lack of professionalism, or something else, is a moot point really. It just won't work.

Not quite sure what you mean by "report", but we've told Relate our reasons for not continuing. It's such a shame - I had such high hopes for it. You're right about the damage it could do to someone in a misogynistic relationship.

I think I (stupidly) expect women in intelligent, professional roles like therapist to be at least vaguely feminist and clued up. It's always a shock when they're not.

Thanks for the link, Glenshee!

Offering solutions by the way is very, very weird. Relate offers person-centered counseling which is so much more NOT about giving advice than any other type of therapy...

Odd. Very odd.

She might be poorly trained or just not suitable for the role.

By report I meant told Relate your reasons for not continuing. So glad you did. What did they say, out of interest? I'd love to hear what someone in charge made of a counsellor telling a woman client to jack in her job for the sake of her children. Where could you begin to defend it?

TBH they weren't interested at all in why we were discontinuing the sessions. The women on the phone just made a note and said "that's fine". Bit disappointing really. Really depressingly, I think the counsellor we were seeing was the most senior person there.

I'm a counsellor and have to disagree we don't have an agenda at all!!
I don't really rate Relate for couple counselling, they have quite stick rules that they have to work within and may not have the same training as other counsellors.
What I will say is couple counselling can be fantastic BUT you need to find a counsellor that you gel with, this may take a little while and if your not getting what you need from one find another.
We all work differently, all have different skills you just need to find the one that works for you.