Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Rant - Ex Always in My House!

34 replies

pigloo22 · 14/10/2013 20:03

Wow, what a terribly difficult situation we have here. MY STBX has moved out (across the road) to a bedsit. He has kids each Mon/Tues and every other weekend. Issue? He cannot have kids stay at the bedsit. So he is coming over and putting them to bed here each night he has them. So effectively I am stuck at home evenings with them or he stays here to 'babysit' them (this is not ideal with me as he eats my food and makes a mess and it is overall just not right that he is in the house all the time as that gives me no boundries). When it is his weekend to have them I often leave the house.

He is out of work and living on benefits. He claims he cannot give me any child support and cannot pay for kids food or to take them away for the night so they have to stay with me. I do not of course want to drag kids into this at all. Nor do I want to refuse him right to the kids as this is a new separation and they need to see their Dad.

Tonight, I told him my best friend is coming to stay the weekend after next and he needs to take the kids for one night so we can go out and have the house to ourselves. The response? Again, they need to sleep here and he wants the house or my friend and I will have to stay in.

So what should I do about this? Seriously. It is driving me mad. Maybe I am unreasonable given his situation but the separation occurred in large part due to his lack of interest in working so it needs to be tough love time. How do I keep this clean and the kids out of it while laying down the law? I mean he can take the kids to some friends houses for one night surely!

OP posts:

Mabelface · 14/10/2013 20:06

Why can the kids not stay at the bedsit for one night? They can camp out on the floor. You do know that you can just say no to him, right? He doesn't have to come in and put the kids to bed, it's your house. Tell him to back off from your food too unless he's going to give you money. You need to put your foot down very firmly here.

purpleroses · 14/10/2013 20:10

My ex used to have my two over at his room in a shared house - wasn't ideal but for 1 night a week it didn't work too badly. He had a travel cot for DC1 and DC1 slept on a roll mat.

And maybe take them off for a few days at a time to visit relatives or something.

Xales · 14/10/2013 20:10

Why can't the kids stay at his bed sit? Is there an age thing stopping them sharing his bed and him having a blow up bed on the floor for the night?

You need to knock him coming in on the head as he is abusing your good nature.

It will also be confusing for your DC that daddy doesn't live there but is there all the time.

Easier said than done I know.

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/10/2013 20:17

Tough mate; you have the kids at yours for your visitations or you don't have the kids. End of.

Original poster

pigloo22 · 14/10/2013 20:20

The bedsit doesn't allow kids to stay. He needs to sort it but is highly passive aggressive here. It's my fault somehow (well everything always has been).

OP posts:

shimmeringinthesun · 14/10/2013 20:24

You shouldn't leave your house to accomodate him, he's got his own place so let him make a mess, eat his own food, and entertain his children there -it's called responsibility.
If he has no money then eventually he might realise that having a lack of interest in working might just be causing this.
But if you carry on as you describe then almost nothing has changed for him has it?
Time to be tough.

mamas12 · 14/10/2013 20:27

Hmm why don't you suggest you and your mate stay at his bedsit while he's at yours! See how he likes it

kinkyfuckery · 14/10/2013 20:31

If he's not allowed to have kids at the bedsit, he needs to find somewhere else to live, or at least stay when he has the kids overnight. Can they stay at a relatives house with him?

Don't fool yourself/let him fool you into thinking He has kids each Mon/Tues and every other weekend - he's not 'having them' if they're at your house!!

fuzzywuzzy · 14/10/2013 20:34

Mamas, really? She leave's her fully furnished packed full of food house to go stay with her friend at his bedsit, which has none of the comfots of home?

OP you need to set down ground rules. If he can't have them overnight at his then you take them off him at the front door of your house, he doesn't get to laze around your house eating your food.

Right now he has no reason to bother finding a job and a new house as he has your place to eat and laze about in and you then tidy after him, if he got his own place he'd need to pay for everything and tidy after himself, no incentive.

BerstieSpotts · 14/10/2013 20:37

Then it's not practical at the moment for him to have them overnight, surely.

He cannot just come into your house, that is ridiculous. It's unfortunate that he doesn't have a suitable place to stay but he needs to find one. If you were made homeless you'd have to find somewhere which accepted children. If he wants them overnight then he has to do this as well! They are his children too!

It should be no trouble for him to have them during the day as he lives so close, he can take them out or to his parents/friends houses if he can't take them home. Or, you know, he could look for a place which is suitable for children.

Seriously! FFS he needs to grow up and stop expecting everyone to spoon feed him!

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/10/2013 20:40

You are just enabling him to continue getting away with not having a job!

Either he steps up to the plate and sorts out somewhere to have his kids or he doesn't. His choice.

BecauseYoureGorgeous · 14/10/2013 20:42

No answers but I feel for you. Remember though, you might want to overlook SOME of his misdemeanours for the sake of your children; not arguing would be the best thing for them in the long run.

BecauseYoureGorgeous · 14/10/2013 20:47

Can I just add, I keep reading this thread title as "Rat...always in my house" and think it's about vermin. Which I suppose it is!

Original poster

pigloo22 · 14/10/2013 20:47

Exactly Because, I don't want them to suffer as a result and want to keep it mellow as possible but he is so bitter with me right now (I took his house and kids) that he is being petty and refusing my every ask with the kids just to be spiteful.

OP posts:

sugardonut · 14/10/2013 21:03

Hi pigloo

I am sending you sympathy vibes here, am in almost exactly the same situation (dc and I in house, exdh in bedsit) however he does pay child maintance which softens the blow slightly.

My ex "has the kids" each weekend which at the minute basically means he comes to stay here (sleeps in the spare room). It really isn't ideal for a million reasons but I have decided to see it as an interim solution, we are only recently divorced, and hope things will pan out in the long run.

tbh what would work best for me (but prob / poss not the dc) was if one weekend day were his and he took the kids out all day so I could have the house to myself one day, and the dc to myself the other. The current arrangement is cramping my style!

I totally hear what other posters have said about it being up to him to sort out his living situation and if he can't have them overnight then tough, but equally I am trying very very hard to think about the long run and keeping it nice for the kids.

Very interested to hear other people's experiences / points of view!

Good luck pigloo

Dahlen · 14/10/2013 21:17

I have absolutely no patience with people who use their DCs to punish their Xs.

That's not what you would be doing if you place conditions on contact that require your X to have them outside your home.

I see parents tie themselves up in knots desperately trying to be "fair" and to "do the right thing for the DC." Why do they do it? Because they love their DC and would rather be self-sacrificing than hurt their DC. So why can't the other parent do the same? Could it be because they are crap parents who could actually do a lot of harm when enabled to parent in their feckless, selfish way?

When people go through a breakup, a small amount of fuckwittery is to be expected and to some degree tolerated. Most people settle down within a reasonable timeframe. If they don't, that's their problem and their DC should not be made to pay for it.

The trouble with enabling your X pigloo is that you will be encouraging your DC to have expectations of him that he will never be able to meet. You will keep enabling him and covering for him out of good intentions because you don't want to see the DC disillusioned or hurt. Until the day where you can't make up for it and he lets them down in a crushing, irretrievable way. The higher he's got on that pedestal you're helping him erect, the harder they will fall. It's all about sensible management of their expectations.

Don't deny contact, but make it clear that the onus is on him to arrange a suitable place to take them and it's not in your house. If he fails to do that, then your DC will sadly be better off having a less close relationship with him.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Chubfuddler · 14/10/2013 21:22

I agree with dahlen. It's not up to you to paper over the cracks for him. He's not financially supporting his family and seems to be motivated to cause you inconvenience rather than develop his relationship with the children.

If he doesn't have suitable accommodation then he doesn't have them overnight. You need to gain authority over your own space. Drop offs needn't be fraught but equally you don't have to welcome him into your home.

perfectstorm · 14/10/2013 21:22

The bedsit doesn't allow kids to stay.

Then he's chosen to house himself somewhere where he can't have the kids. His decision to do that. I don't have much sympathy for women in this situation who try to stop their kids staying overnight when the bloke has no option but a shared house or bedsit... but here, he's taking the utter piss. Tell him you've split up and while you'll always make the kids available for his contact sessions, it isn't your job to provide the setting.

I do think you need to be really careful about asking him to babysit when setting boundaries, though. His contact time is for him and the kids. If he wants to be the first choice for babysitter then he needs to accept that it will be down to him to select a venue. Otherwise, you'll get someone else in.

Your house needs to be clearly demarcated as your space - for the kids, as much as you. I appreciate that you want to avoid fights but the thing is, by remaining this enmeshed in one another's day to day lives you're actually guaranteeing you'll have them, and have them around the kids at that. No recently split couple with bad blood could manage this situation with total amity, so why expose everyone to it? He's in a bedsit, surely he could sort something else out?

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2013 21:24

No more "overnights" until he has suitable accomodation

he can still see his kids, just not at your house

The End.

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/10/2013 21:29

OP, this is an intolerable situation. It actually sounds like the worst option of all. Unfortunately if you Ex cannot have the children to stay at his, he cannot have them overnight at all.

I suggest he has them on Mon & Tues and EOW as arranged, but only at certain times ie. he picks them up at x o'clock (or from school) and drops them off at x o'clock in time for you to put them to bed. That way, he is not in your home pretending he still lives there (because that's what he's doing).

There are of course costs to this arrangement. If you want to go out, you will have to find a babysitter. However the benefits far outweigh this. You will be able to relax in your own home. The DCs will not be confused. And hopefully he will get his arse in gear and find somewhere suitable to live.

sugardonut · 14/10/2013 21:29

Dahlen

I do agree with what you say but as always there are two sides to every story!

Obviously I can't speak for the OP but in my case literally the only other option for my dc to see their dad if not in my / their home would be for him to pick them up early doors one day then have them trailing round town / softplay / shops etc all day before dropping them home. Really not ideal for them or him IMO.

There just isn't the money for him to have accommodation suitable to take the children to, near enough for them to get to practicably, as well as paying child maintenance to me to ensure I can keep my house and the children's home.

I totally hear what you are saying about not being a martyr or enabling him (believe me I know about enabling him as seeing the light re this is what has led to our divorce!) but equally I am trying to see it, as you put it so well as letting things "settle down within a reasonable timeframe".

(If I am totally honest I guess deep down I feel that because he IS paying child maintenance I feel like I need to give him some leeway, and keep things nice between us. Equally I hope these feelings will also "settle down within a reasonable timeframe"!)

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/10/2013 21:29

OP, this is an intolerable situation. It actually sounds like the worst option of all. Unfortunately if you Ex cannot have the children to stay at his, he cannot have them overnight at all.

sugardonut · 14/10/2013 21:29

Sorry, big cross posts with lots of people!

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/10/2013 21:30

Oops. Don't know what happened there.

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/10/2013 21:40

I don't want them to suffer as a result and want to keep it mellow as possible but he is so bitter with me right now (I took his house and kids) that he is being petty and refusing my every ask with the kids just to be spiteful.

That's great - but it also means this situation could continue forever. So you have to decide what is the most important thing about this.

Flip

1 2