Rant - Ex Always in My House!

[pigloo22]

Wow, what a terribly difficult situation we have here. MY STBX has moved out (across the road) to a bedsit. He has kids each Mon/Tues and every other weekend. Issue? He cannot have kids stay at the bedsit. So he is coming over and putting them to bed here each night he has them. So effectively I am stuck at home evenings with them or he stays here to 'babysit' them (this is not ideal with me as he eats my food and makes a mess and it is overall just not right that he is in the house all the time as that gives me no boundries). When it is his weekend to have them I often leave the house.

He is out of work and living on benefits. He claims he cannot give me any child support and cannot pay for kids food or to take them away for the night so they have to stay with me. I do not of course want to drag kids into this at all. Nor do I want to refuse him right to the kids as this is a new separation and they need to see their Dad.

Tonight, I told him my best friend is coming to stay the weekend after next and he needs to take the kids for one night so we can go out and have the house to ourselves. The response? Again, they need to sleep here and he wants the house or my friend and I will have to stay in.

So what should I do about this? Seriously. It is driving me mad. Maybe I am unreasonable given his situation but the separation occurred in large part due to his lack of interest in working so it needs to be tough love time. How do I keep this clean and the kids out of it while laying down the law? I mean he can take the kids to some friends houses for one night surely!

Its his responsibility to arrange a safe and child friendly environment in which to see his children, not yours.

If his place isn't suitable to have them then he takes them out till he gets somewhere else.

You have now split up he left the house leaving it as yours and your childrens, he has no reason to ever step foot across your threshold again. He can collect the kids at the door or at the bottom of the path.

If he can't manage that without trying to take the piss and make excuses to gain entry or just ignores you and waltzes in then arrange to do handovers in the park or a cafe, etc. Somewhere neutral that isn't your house. He can do bedtime when he gets a place that will allow kids to stay.

Do not use him as a baby sitter, make alternative arrangements for that so he can't use that situation as leverage.

You lay down ground rules.

Effectively immediatly, you are in charge, not him. I cannot get my head around you letting him dictate and control you in this way.

He takes the children out. How he entertains and keeps them fed and warm during his contact is his business.

IF he comes into your home, it is solely to wait while the kids gets their coats etc on.

He can NO longer help himself to food in your home.

He is no longer allowed to do the bedtime routine.

The weekend contact, if he wants this to continue he has to sort out suitable accomodation. Not to rely on your home.

And bs he cannot pay maintainance. Contact CSA.

He is the one that decided to live in a place that doesn't allow children. He should have thought about this before he moved in.

He is always in your house because you are allowing it. Say NO.

Or you can let it continue, and still be a doormat is 15 years time. Your choice.

In your position, I would make it clear to your ex that you expect him to clean up and to provide food if the visits at your house are to continue.

If you and your ex can be amicable about the arrangements with the children, it will be so much better for them. When my brother ad his wife split, they coparented as much as possible. She used to stay over at the house sometimes to spend time with the kids (he was a SAHD when the kids were young, so he stayed in the family home). It takes commitment and compromise to make it work, but I really think it is so helpful for the children. Sugardonut I think you are brill for trying to do this, and I hope it works out for you.

Pigloo are you separated hoping a bit of tough love will make him sort his life out and get a job, or is this it really? I can understand him feeling bitter, if he is unhappy about the separation, but (his) being difficult is not doing him any favours, just pissing you off more. I wonder if mediation might help - it might be good if you could agree some more specific boundaries which would help keep his time with the kids going during this transition in your relationship, without him taking the piss. He is probably being difficult about the kids because it's the only thing he can try to control in the relationship at the moment.

Best of luck, hope things get better soon.

Thanks sparrowfart

It is hard and tbh I often wonder if I am doing the right thing as all the other separated parents I know emphatically do not do it like this in any way at all. But good to hear about your brother and SIL.

Are you still married? Was 'your' house the former matrimonial home?...In which case, does your ex technically still have matrimonial home rights?

If the answer to all the above is yes, then you might be actually be better off tolerating him in the short-term, and treating it as the lesser of two evils - the greater evil for you being that he could technically insist on moving (back) into your house until you're divorced.

Taking the piss, needs some discipline, needs some boundaries, needs to live the CONSEQUENCES of the choices HE MAKES.

Change the locks, and don't allow him to set foot in the house. He can't have them? Oh dear, he will have to take them to the park for a few hours.

Dear STBX, it is time to GROW UP.

He's in the bedsit so he can afford to pay you child support - but you say he's not doing that anyway....

Time to get tough

I was up until about July this year in the same type of situation with my ex. He would always come round to my house to put DD to bed/spend time with her in the evenings. It drove me mad. He would say that his own place was not suitable to have DD to stay overnight or even just to hang out.

I resolved this issue by getting tough. I started to not let him into my house at all. He would take DD out for a couple of hours a week in the afternoons after he had finished work, feed her and then bring her back. Same with the weekends. He started to get upset that he was missing out on bedtimes etc. But I did'nt cave in by letting him put her to bed etc. It was the kick up the backside he needed as he has now found somewhere suitable. Now he can take DD there and she has regular overnight stays with him (usually a couple of times a week). This last bit is fantastic for me as now I can go out/do me stuff again. I also feel like my relationship with my ex has improved - I think he has more respect for me, knows he can't take the piss anymore. He had no impetus to change his living arrangements until I put my foot down.

Therefore from my own experience I would recommend laying down the law regarding allowing him into your home. When he realises that the only way he will have the kind of contact he desires with his children (i.e. having bedtimes etc) is to sort out his living arrangements, he will do it. Continue allowing him into your home for bedtimes means he won't have the inclination to change his situation. As the father he has a responsibility to provide suitable accommodation for his children. You are not obliged to provide somewhere for him to spend time with his children.

I'm in a similar situation. My exH lives in another city in a shared house. I am not happy for the DCs to go to him as he is recovery from an addiction. He comes to the house I live in with our DCs and I hang around, doing my own thing while he spends time with the children.

He leaves after putting them to bed, and unless I find a babysitter I have to stay in. It's not ideal for me but it is for the DCs. I don't want them in a shared house with strangers and I don't want him to have them unsupervised.

It's helpful to start with what has the best outcome for the children, in my opinion.