Some MN wisdom needed

[lookingforlife]

Hi
I have NC for this . Myself and DP are having a few issues since birth of DS 6 months ago. Mainly around his family. I will say I always found his mother hard work but just put up with it. When DS was born I only wanted DP at hospital. DP says his family were upset by this. Was I wrong ?
When the did visit when I was home his mother spent the visit telling me how I should mother the baby, how I should bring him up etc. I was rather emotional and tired the second time the visited so not really in the mood for visitors or being told what I should or shouldn't be doing. I wasn't particularly chatty to say the least and they took this as a huge insult. Am I wrong to think the yshould have understood that after giving birth and just getting used to having a newborn was hard and taken it with a pinch if salt?
Then his mother and I had an argument over my DS getting christened , I don't want him getting christened and wanted a naming ceremony but I wanted to plan it with DP. The result if that argument was her name calling me using a rather sharp tone and her telling me if she wanted him christened there was not a damn thing I could do about it. Lots of tears from me after that one . Was I unreasonable?
She then sent me a letter in which I found the tone highly offensive. Saying I should respect her, she has had children before so I should listen to her and she wanted to lay down ground rules. I did not reply. Was she wrong or was I .
I invited his family to dinner as a kind if peace offering and they would not come to my house .
Fast forward to now I have been diagnosed with PND and this is not helped by the fact that my family are in another country I have no support and me and DP fighting . When I try to explain how exhausted I am from looking after baby all day and all night without any support around he takes it as a personal attack and then throws it in my face that he is the one making all the money as I'm on mat leave. Surely after being in a relationship 5 years and having a baby our incomes should be family income and I shouldn't be left feeling like a freeloader??
He has now said ifi don't make an effort with his family he will not make any with mine! I am hurt that he wants to split this family even more and that he doesn't understand that it's hard to make an effort with them when the have already said no to my attempt at peace offering . I'm hurt that the haven't spent a lot of time with DS because of their issues with me. And im fucking angry with their and DPs lack of understanding for my emotional state.
Sorry it's long and rambling .

I should add I love my DP very much and my DS is the most amazing sweet baby. I just want to find a way to make it work.

You might do better to ask for this to be moved to relationships where there's more traffic from some wonderful ladies.
But she sounds horrendous. Did you get your ds christened? Just because she's had children before does not mean she's right, there's many ways of parenting all right in their own way.
It doesn't sound like your missing out much by them not being in your life.
Dh is another story, he should be backing you and talking to his mum not leaving you to take the battering. And your right money is family money. Looking after a baby is a full time job

Hi thanks for your reply. I put it here because I want it to vanish in 30 days :)
You know I think I'm better off away from them because the situation has really knocked my confidence but I had hoped having my DS would bring us all closer it is so sad that has not been the case and that DP is now trying to force my hand when I clearly don't feel comfortable with it . I worry this will destroy us :(

Oh and I didn't have him christened . He can choose whatever if any religion he wants when he is older. And I didn't have a naming ceremony as it felt wrong when people were so off with me

We're going to move this to Relationships at the request of the OP.

Thanks Kate

Oh dear. Can you go and visit your family for a few weeks or longer if possible.
You need some support.
Your 'D'H sounds like complete arse.
No support for you and DC and certainly no support of you where his family is concerned.
I would want some head space from all this toxic behaviour.
And tell him mother to go f*ck herself.
It's your baby and you will decide everything and if SHE doesn't like it she won't be able to see him at all!
She either tows the line or she doens't see him.
You really need support from your husband though.
He needs a large boot up his arse!
You might love him - but he sounds actually quite horrible!
Just read your OP back - all the bits about him. What he doesn't do and what he does say!
Tell him, fine then - you will go to work and he can pay for childcare, that means a live in nanny as you won't be able to do nights and also for a cleaner etc.... as you won't be able to do those.
See if he likes the sound of that - TWAT!!!

Sorry - that all sounded a bit ragey - but that's because I am raging for you - just his comments are enough for me to be for you! Get angry - this is not right!

I actually think he probably just feels caught in the middle hellsbells.
Your MIL sounds like she getting a total nightmare around this and it reads as is she's forgotten this is her grandson and NOT her own son. I think you need to make it very clear to her that YOU are the parent, YOU make the decisions and she will need to accept these.

Thanks hells :) glad someone is getting angry on my behalf. I am going home at Christmas for a few weeks. It's just so lonely here without family and when we are constantly fighting over his family or silly house worki feel even lonelier

Not allowing them to come to the hospital probably wasn't your finest moment tbh. Sorry, but I think on this one you've got to see it from their point of view.

In terms of everything else, she sounds extremely controlling and patronising. No one can demand respect they have to earn it.

There's a big difference when a MIL or indeed a mother that can see you are exhausted and struggling and but HELPS you in a practical sense (takes baby out so that you can get some sleep etc), as opposed to TELLING you what to do. That would just p* anybody off.

She's already done her mothering duties with her own family and now she wants to with your baby.
In her eyes, when do you actually become the mother I wonder?

With regards to your DH, this is actually blackmail, and personally I can't see how that would work - do you believe he would carry this threat out?

Sadly you are out-numbered, and I hope for your sake you have some good supportive friends in RL because I think you are going to need them. (Mother and baby groups are great for this - you'll probably find one or two that are going through the same as you).

I think you need to offer another 'peace' meal and get this all out on the table as truthfully but as tactfully as possible. If they are the type to hold grudges, there is honestly not a lot you can do. Sadly you can't force them to see your DS, but hopefully they won't cut off their noses to spite their face.

Good Luck!

Just to clarify they were allowed to visit in hospital just not while I was giving birth. Who wants their mil there when they giving birth ? I wanted it to be just me and DP.
I do feel he is stuck in the middle but tbf I agree that what he is now doing is blackmail and that hurts.
Apparently they want to meet on neutral territory . It's just such nonsense IMO and my life would be easier right now if I didn't have to deal with the stress of it.

This sounds like his parents are disappointed you're not the easily pushed around DIL they imagined. They sound overbearing or is it mainly MIL? Ground rules, wtf? I'm sorry your DP is siding with them. Are you in the UK? If you are not yet married to him you are perhaps wise to consider where his loyalties lie and how life with him will be. Family is now you + baby first and foremost, not his mother being the matriarch and you way down on his list of priorities.

Huh ? I didn't even allow my own mother to hang around the hospital when I was giving birth. The in-laws have no right at all to foist themselves on a labouring woman. Your H should have told them to do one.

Just like he should have done every single time they have made you feel pressured and uncomfortable

Your H is the problem here. He sounds weak where his family are concerned and like he shares a lot of their toxic attitudes. The apple didn't fall too far from the tree there, did it ?

I am glad you are going home to see your family. Soak up all the unconditional love and support they can offer you, and while you are there have a bloody good think about whether you want to take your baby back into such a horrible atmosphere of one-upmanship and belittling that will inevitable follow

"neutral territory" ?

they are treating like you are the enemy, some kind of potential foe to be vanquished

you do realise that they will keep this up until you acquiesce and turn into robot DIL out of sheer tiredness and desperation ?

that would suit your P down to the ground, wouldn't it ?

Omg AnyFucker you just what's in my head into words. I feel likeDP(not married yet) wants me to give in , forget my hurt and how I feel I was treated just to keep them happy. I could never word it as good as you just did. It's really bothering me he won't spend time with my family ( they have done nothing wrong, been truly amazing )until I do this it means Christmas won't be what I imagined . Our first Christmas with our little boy I was so excited. I have spent the last 5 Christmases with his family here so this one was going to be extra special .

Sorry Looking, didn't realise you meant when you were actually giving birth!

No problem Keep:) I should have been clearer. Thanks for the great advice

Is there a marriage planned, love ? You realise that you will be marrying his family too and when they have you trapped the controlling behaviour will escalate, don't you ?

Have you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward ? You will find your PIL in there, and their snivelling son. I would send you my copy, but I gave it to someone else in need of it.

Buy it from Amazon and read it. Your future is in those pages.

Your partner should be 100% on the side of his family. His new family; you and your child. I don't think you've done anything wrong or unreasonable from what you've written.

I think you need tonnes of support and unconditional love. Would you want to start your stay with family any earlier?

We are engaged but I have told him I won't marry him since all this started . Can you imagine that wedding!!!
I wish I could go earlier but he doesn't want to be away from DS for too long. Just have to increase my Skype calls home for now.

Also just downloaded that on kindle , now I need to find the time to read it.

I would bring the visit home forward, love. Use any excuse that your P will believe and get the hell out of there for a while.

And tell your family everything

Hold nothing back. Protecting your P and covering up for his inadequacy is doing you no favours at all

Well done on holding off the wedding, btw. Sounds like your instincts and self esteem are perfectly intact. It's not you, it's them.

Your mil has no right to make decisions for you or your child.

So what if she's had children before? Those were her children. This particular one is not.

You're going to have to get really tough and tell her no, no and no again.

The arrogance and presumptuous of some people astounds me.

I hope you're okay op. this kind of treatment after having had a baby is a shock. I mean you've already lost some control of your life with the baby and them there is someone else trying to take over.

It's unacceptable. If your dh is spineless then you're going to have to roar and be the bitch. They cannot mess with you. And you need to let them know.