Some MN wisdom needed

[lookingforlife]

Hi
I have NC for this . Myself and DP are having a few issues since birth of DS 6 months ago. Mainly around his family. I will say I always found his mother hard work but just put up with it. When DS was born I only wanted DP at hospital. DP says his family were upset by this. Was I wrong ?
When the did visit when I was home his mother spent the visit telling me how I should mother the baby, how I should bring him up etc. I was rather emotional and tired the second time the visited so not really in the mood for visitors or being told what I should or shouldn't be doing. I wasn't particularly chatty to say the least and they took this as a huge insult. Am I wrong to think the yshould have understood that after giving birth and just getting used to having a newborn was hard and taken it with a pinch if salt?
Then his mother and I had an argument over my DS getting christened , I don't want him getting christened and wanted a naming ceremony but I wanted to plan it with DP. The result if that argument was her name calling me using a rather sharp tone and her telling me if she wanted him christened there was not a damn thing I could do about it. Lots of tears from me after that one . Was I unreasonable?
She then sent me a letter in which I found the tone highly offensive. Saying I should respect her, she has had children before so I should listen to her and she wanted to lay down ground rules. I did not reply. Was she wrong or was I .
I invited his family to dinner as a kind if peace offering and they would not come to my house .
Fast forward to now I have been diagnosed with PND and this is not helped by the fact that my family are in another country I have no support and me and DP fighting . When I try to explain how exhausted I am from looking after baby all day and all night without any support around he takes it as a personal attack and then throws it in my face that he is the one making all the money as I'm on mat leave. Surely after being in a relationship 5 years and having a baby our incomes should be family income and I shouldn't be left feeling like a freeloader??
He has now said ifi don't make an effort with his family he will not make any with mine! I am hurt that he wants to split this family even more and that he doesn't understand that it's hard to make an effort with them when the have already said no to my attempt at peace offering . I'm hurt that the haven't spent a lot of time with DS because of their issues with me. And im fucking angry with their and DPs lack of understanding for my emotional state.
Sorry it's long and rambling .

And there is nothing wrong with having only your partner at the hospital. Nothing. So don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I only had my H at the hospital when I gave birth. I told the midwives to send anyone else home. Too much pressure for me.

I would bring the visit home forward, love. Use any excuse that your P will believe and get the hell out of there for a while. And tell your family everything

This, this, this.

His mother's line about the Christening is breath-taking. I would be planning some kind of pagen naming ceremony out of spite.

Pagan, not pagen!

Yes I had been holding back telling my mother everything because I didn't want her to think bad of him because he does have good points and I didn't want her to worry. But last week I just broke down on the phone , I also broke down at a HV meeting (was so embarrassed ) but my mom is furious. She keeps telling me to do no more cleaning up after him or ironing. Thinks he needs to appreciate me more.
She also thinks his mother should fuck right off :) she is a star.

Funny thing is that she is not even religious herself so that whole situation really baffled me. Just a fight for the sake of a fight IMO .

I think it's a fight for the sake of wearing you down, putting you in your place and keeping you squashed.

Also, I'm so glad you've told your mum. Don't worry about her thinking bad of him. She'll be too busy thinking about you and her grandson in my experience.

He deserves to have people think bad of him. That is the point.

What's so frustrating is he can't fucking see how his family are ! I think I need to realise that they will always be right as far as he is concerned.
Maybe him trying to blackmail me by saying he won't see my family now is my wake up call.

He's sounds as bad as his family. They are all telling you what to do without asking what you want.

Sounds like you and your partner need to have a good talk. Has his mum always dominated things like this?

I just can't talk to him anymore he has his mind made up on how he wants things to be and he thinks I should just do what he says. As for his mother and her previous behaviour that's a whole other story I just put up with it so as not to rock the boat.

Go home, love. As soon as you can. You don't have to keep trying to make him realise how badly he is behaving. It isn't your responsibility to "make him see"

he is treating you like this because he wants to. You need a break from it so you can start to see things (even more) clearly

Its strange what we put up with before dcs isn't it. I must admit if you are not even married and she is like this I'd seriously re consider marrying. Hopefully a good time over christmas with your family will clear your head and who knows, even you PND?

Thank you also much for your kind messages and support .

I think you should work towards going home as soon as you can. Plan a 'visit' earlier than you previously intended and when you are home, you can consider whether you want to go back.

You do not have to do what your dp says, you are allowed your own choices. If he doesn't like your choices, it's up to him to decide if he wants to accept them or leave, not you.

His parents should not even be in the picture. This is between him and you.

Oh god lookingforlife I'm angry on your behalf.

your MIL is pushy, controlling, punishing and yes, I echo the others, read Toxic Parents. They wouldnt even come to a peace-offering meal? tell you you have to bring up your child their way? (so he becomes a weak man who'll do whatever you say and blackmail his partner, like your MIL's son is?)

This situation is unbearable. Like AnyFucker and Vivacia, I think they want to break you down til you're a stepford daughter-in-law.

I'm afraid that if your family is in another country you are in a weaker position from the emotional support pov (and financial?)

Go home early, keep in mind that you and your son are way, way the most important things in your life, far more important than anyone else, consider what sort of environment your son will be growing up in, and take stock. Then decide what you want to do and how to tackle it.

Good luck. You'll need it, though you sound a strong woman. Just remember - this is not you, it's them!

I feel like a stronger woman in some ways since my son was born. Financially it is really tricky for me but my mother is booking my tickets on Wednesday :) DP wants to confirm how long I can be gone for though. I want to move home for good but I can't see that happening.
I think I am starting to see behaviours I don't want my son to pick up. But I would never put my son in the situations my DP has been put in . I feel sad for him he loves his family so much he just can't see their negative behaviour.