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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it normal to fancy other people when married?

56 replies

twosmallbuttons · 14/10/2013 10:55

I've been married to DH 4 years, have had no real attraction to other men, apart from now - to just one man, and I hardly know him anyway. (Saying that, I've not been particularly attracted to DH recently either, due to two small DC and the sheer exhaustion that brings).

Does it mean something is lacking between me & DH? Or is it normal to have a little crush/whatever you call it, on another person?

OP posts:

LaRegina · 14/10/2013 12:20

I missed the bit where you said he was the Ocado man OP! [confused

LaRegina · 14/10/2013 12:20

Or even

Original poster

twosmallbuttons · 14/10/2013 12:26

My comment about the Ocado order was because it's an example of boring conversation I might have with DH. Not because I fancy the Ocado man!

OP posts:

LaRegina · 14/10/2013 12:31

LegoLokiIsMyMaster · 14/10/2013 12:36

MrsDmitri I am so very jealous of your foray to the Apple store .
Please tell him that if he ever gets trapped in the Midlands (which could happen, quite easily), I make a mean Shepherds pie, and my hospitality would know no bounds.
I hope you have a wonderful time
(Are you going to see Coriolanus?)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 14/10/2013 15:15

I'm not sure it's all that great to fancy one person in particular while you don't fancy your spouse.

If things were good between you and your husband you probably wouldn't be so interested in this guy.

This kind of situation, when left unchecked, is how people who had no intention of getting out of their marriage end up having an affair.

KhunZhoop · 14/10/2013 15:38

You're married, not dead. Mind, I have a cardboard cut-out of my "crush" in the living room. It's a standing joke between me and my husband. He took it wuite well, really (it was a present from someone else).

neiljames77 · 14/10/2013 17:58

Sorry about the Ocado thing. I just thought you were dropping a hint with the emoticons.

perceptionreality · 14/10/2013 18:26

Yes, I agree with joinwithplayfellows - that's what I was trying to say before. The OP said she never noticed other men before now. The exact same thing happened to me in my marriage. The time when I started to notice one other person in particular signaled the beginning of the end when before I had never noticed other people.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2013 18:52

Are you guys saying it is only a happy and secure marriage if you go all the way through it (potentially 50+ years) never, ever noticing any else of the opposite sex ? That sounds quite unrealistic to me.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2013 18:52

any one else

perceptionreality · 14/10/2013 19:33

AF - I think noticing other people in passing is different to fixating on and fantasising about one person in particular to the exclusion of all others including your husband.

StillSeekingSpike · 14/10/2013 19:44

It doesn't sound like a fixation- more like a little spark of something to brighten up a day when you are up to your neck in dealing with small children and mundane life.

MrsCinnamon · 14/10/2013 19:48

Agree with AF, there is no harm in a crush, as long as nothing happens.
I would find it quite unrealistic not to notice other men.
I've had crushes and my husband knows about them. He only raised an eyebrow and has made some dry jokes about it.
He knows he's the only one for me [violin]

BerstieSpotts · 14/10/2013 19:56

I don't know. I think it's fine in a "mmm, I wonder" kind of way, but if you start looking at their personality and comparing it with your OH and your OH isn't coming out well... e.g. if you're with DH and something goes wrong and you start thinking "Well I bet Tom would've..." or if you're with "Tom" and he does/says something and you think "I wish DH was a bit more like that"...

Then that's a bit of an alarm bell about your own relationship really, and whether you're happy in it overall. Of course try to remember to adjust for horrible personality-scrunching tiredness.

I tend to have crushes but after a while or as I'm getting to know a person I see things in their personality that make me think "Actually I'm glad I'm with DP" or "I couldn't cope with that" or "Mmm, that's nice. DP is like that too. I'm glad I'm with him." The crush kind of ends up affirming things rather than making me question them if that makes sense.

As you said fantasy is very different, if it's a fictional character then I don't seem to do the comparing thing.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2013 19:58

Has OP said she she is fixating on this man to the exclusion of her husband ?

The danger is there of course, but so far OP seems to be having a normal little crush. She was concerned enough to post here, so has some self awareness. A good sign, IMO.

IShallCallYouSquishy · 14/10/2013 19:58

It's perfectly normal to notice and find someone attractive. You are human. It's when people start adding emotions into it then its not right.

I happened to notice and incredibly good looking man at work not long ago. I doesn't mean I love my husband any less or that I wanted anything with this man. I just thought he was bloody good looking

perceptionreality · 14/10/2013 19:58

The way I read the OP is that she doesn't fancy her husband and has a thing for this one guy.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2013 20:03

I see what you are saying, PR. OP would have to elaborate on whether her general tiredness is (understandably) damping down her sexual feelings towards her H, or whether there is more to it eg. he gives her no support, is selfish etc

This is quite a flashpoint for many marriages that were previously trundling along just fine.

Any acting on those feelings of dis satisfaction within a relationship though would be wholly wrong. OP, you accept this, yes ?

starfishmummy · 14/10/2013 20:05

I think it depends what you mean by "fancy". If it is just the window shopping, "he's nice" skrt of fancy then yes it is normal. But if someone spends the whole day fantasising and obsessing, then no it isnt

BecauseYoureGorgeous · 14/10/2013 20:08

I fancy the Ocado man. I keep ordering extra stuff in separate orders because they often send a different man damn them.

Original poster

twosmallbuttons · 14/10/2013 20:20

I don't spend the whole day fantasising about him, no. I have young DC for god's sake, no time for that!

I am generally tired, that is what's bringing down the attractive-feelings between me & DH. I think this is probably normal with young DC.
Perhaps fancying a random man would start to kindle the flames with DH again

And I don't know this guy well enough at all to start comparing him to DH. Apart from his height. And accent

OP posts:

ModreB · 14/10/2013 20:26

It's OK. I still fancy DH to death. But, I also fancy other men. DH knows this, and doesn't care.
The difference is that I don't act on it

viewer · 14/10/2013 21:26

You don't act on it but if you were honest would you like to act on it? If so, why?
Is the one man really enough to have sex with year after year after year?

professorgrommit · 14/10/2013 21:45

I think normal but read all the mumsnet on "emotional affairs" and looks the same when combined with a relationship in trouble. How would you feel if dh was sloppering over some sexy woman and then said "just a harmless crush, so calm down dearie"?

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