Depressed about friendships/social life

[SugarMouse1]

Advice/ hand-holding really appreciated.....

While I have a few friends from various places, recently no-one seems bothered about meeting up and have started more or less ignoring me.

While they are not close friends, I don't understand why so many have done this around the same time, it makes me feel like shit

They are long-term friends from school/uni and various places but not that I see like every weekend or anything anyway. I've never had any for years that I've been that close to. One friend is having a bit of a crisis, but lives in a different town, deleted her FB, her phone and her family wont tell me anything, only that she is 'fine'. I'm still worried though. Another is male and got into a new relationship with a girl who wont allow him to have female friends. Another has been distant since meeting her new boyfriend and spends every minute of the day with him, but wont even answer my texts.

So, if old friends are now ignoring you, how does one make new friends and where? I would like to at work, been there about 6 weeks, but its the kind of place with a high turnover and also have a negative, moody, controlling manager who is also eroding my confidence. So while you are feeling shit about friends and work its probably not the best time to start making new ones.

Nor do I want to come across as desperate. Being like this in the past led me to get into a EA relationship, and I am now older and wiser and have no intention of making the same mistake again!

Yes, people definitely were sniggering about me, at uni they even started à nasty Facebook group about me, because Im 'weird' apparently. I dropped out over it in thé end. Such à waste.

I dont really know what i actually want, Im just desperate for people to like me, its stupid i know

And i havé to conclude that i must just be unlikeable

They started a facebook page about you!?!

That's bullying! What horrible people!

Yes, people definitely were sniggering about me, at uni they even started à nasty Facebook group about me, because Im 'weird' apparently. I dropped out over it in thé end. Such à waste.

Yes, it was a waste, although you must have been very upset to have been driven to drop out.

As for 'they', you mean 'some cunts'. Not everyone you ever met.

Unfortunately, a fair number of people you meet in life are cunts. And some are not enough of a cunt to be cunts on their own, but wait for bigger cunts to provide them with the excuse.

I dont really know what i actually want, Im just desperate for people to like me, its stupid i know

It's not stupid at all.

But are you really saying that you haven't had one successful relationship (on whatever level) in your whole life? Honestly?

And i havé to conclude that i must just be unlikeable

No-one is unlikeable. They just haven't found the right people to like them back yet. Sounds like a platitude but it's true -- some platitudes are.

Charity-

I mean job wise I really don't know what I want, I'm very open to suggestions

I have had some successful relationships, quite a good one with my mum, but it's not what you want as a 25 year old, I've never been popular anywhere

JustTHis-

I know, but I thought it was my fault, so didn't complain, was very ashamed bottled it up, and it is my fault,it must be down to something I did/said I just dont know what. I really don't think I'm weird ( though I know it's not normal to have hardly any friends) but how are you supposed to make any if everyone avoids you for being 'weird'? Viscious circle.

I think I dress normally, not part of a weird religion, hold extreme political views, unusual hobbies, not into alternative culture (star trek, dr who) etc, or goth music ( nothing wrong with it though), nor do I have 3 heads, use a wheelchair and have a strong accent with a speech impediment.

So what else makes people 'weird'?

Sugar mouse, you sound just like me. I really struggle to make friends and don't really understand why. But I do understand how demoralising it can be when people treat you differently for no good reason. I too have had this for most of my life.
Currently, I don't really have close friends despite not fitting into the 'weird' categories you described in your last post - that part really rang true with me. I always seem to go through a mental checklist about what could possibly be so weird about me too. It's caused me a lot of heartache over the years and now I am beginning to realise that I'm the sort of person who needs to 'click' with someone, otherwise friendships don't come naturally. I don't know if any of that rings true with you, but it might. Anyway, feel free to PM me anytime you want to chat and if you're local, we could always meet up sometime for cake! X

I mean job wise I really don't know what I want, I'm very open to suggestions

Oh right -- sorry for the misunderstanding.

Although, in my defence, you do seem to be mixing up the professional with the personal quite a bit. Which is understandable when you're feeling low with bad self-esteem (I know I'm guilty of it myself).

I have had some successful relationships, quite a good one with my mum, but it's not what you want as a 25 year old, I've never been popular anywhere

You're only 25?!? Good Lord, you have years and years and YEARS to find a better way of life for yourself. No comfort in the short term, perhaps, but it's bloody true. As you get older, you generally give less of a damn what other people think about you.

And I'm sure you've had decent friendships during your life to date, too. Even if you didn't necessarily get everything you wanted from them at the time because you weren't ready or for whatever reason.

How are you doing today Sugarmouse1? X

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes, I know I'm only 25, but I feel so pathetic having achieved so little at my age.

And I've missed all the milestones that all my peers have had. I've never had an 18 th or 21st, in fact no one is bothered about me at all, I dread birthdays and I dread Christmas because I rarely have anything to go to or anyone to buy for- so nothing to be excited about at all - all pointless.

I'm not sure if theres any point continuing with a future just like this.

Can I ask about your family situation? X

Hi U2,

I live at home with my parents ATM, I suppose I have a reasonable relationship with them now, didn't in the past, a lot of it probably due to my drinking, and they were disappointed I didn't achieve much academically, I guess. They're quite ashamed that I don't have a good job. They're snobbish in many ways.
I have one brother a well, we never got on, and don't speak at all as adults, he now lives in a different city hundreds of miles away and rarely speaks to our parents either.
That's about it, lots of extended family, but not close to any of them, none live near.

I think some parents have to stop putting their expectations on their children or at least get better at helping them get where they want to be. Your well being is top priority. How do you think they'd feel if they knew how bad you were feeling?

I'm really tired but just wanted to add a few things, hopefully it's coherent!

SugarMouse I really do think that before anyone else can like you, you need to like yourself first. Bit of a cliche, but really very true.

Most people would describe me as funny, confident and gregarious. Truth is, I often feel awkward, shy and boring! However, I don't hate myself for it, in reality, I think most people are too busy thinking about themselves.

Sometimes, when I have found myself getting into the mindset of how likeable I am etc. I stop focusing on me (which can actually be quite self-indulgent), and focus on others. When coming face to face with someone, instead of thinking "what do they think of me? How am I coming across" - which is just the kind of thinking that will get me acting awkwardly - I focus on the other person. I talk to them, about them. I put them in the spotlight and take myself out. I find it useful to shift my thinking in this way, and find people warm to me when I take an interest in them and stop being so self concious.

I'm a mature student at uni, doing a creative course, and it's full of weird people. In fact, sometimes I think people try to outdo each other on the weird front! Nothing wrong with being different, even IF you are. It's celebrated in some circles, maybe you're moving in the wrong circles?!

I'm not sure if theres any point continuing with a future just like this

Your future does not depend on how you are feeling right this minute. My life was very different at 25 to what it is now at 41. It's much better. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time but this isn't it...you've got SO much living left to do. You really never know what's round the corner. Hang in there.

Yes, I know I'm only 25, but I feel so pathetic having achieved so little at my age.

So many people feel like this that they ought to call it 'Mozart Syndrome'. Not everyone is a success early in life -- and 25 is early in life.

And I've missed all the milestones that all my peers have had. I've never had an 18 th or 21st, in fact no one is bothered about me at all, I dread birthdays and I dread Christmas because I rarely have anything to go to or anyone to buy for- so nothing to be excited about at all - all pointless.

I'm sure your parents marked your birthdays and Christmas with you. OK, so it would be nice if you had a wide circle of friends -- perhaps: You might realise later in life that you're naturally a loner. Often misery is caused by expectations formed by observing others. Whereas what you want and what you need may be two different things entirely.

As for Christmas, it really is true that it's the 'giving' that's important. I bet that if you put your mind to it there are about a dozen people you interact with regularly who would be quite touched if you did something as simple but meaningful as gave them a Christmas card.

This sounds silly, but (a) it is good for the 'soul' to give without the expectation of receiving and (b) you never know which casual acquaintance might blossom into a friendship.

And who knows, some of them may be in the same boat as you, and would remember the gesture you made for the rest of their lives.

I'm not sure if theres any point continuing with a future just like this.

Hmmm. If you're toying with the idea of terminating your own life prematurely, then I strongly recommend that you consult your GP. Such thoughts are not healthy or normal.

(If that's not what you were hinting, then of course ignore that remark).

But the future is forgive the cliché what you make it (not 100 per cent what you make it, though -- outside events are uncontrollable and they can account for a lot of interference in one's life).

Perhaps it would help if you drew up a list -- this is a very under-rated exercise IME.

Where would you like to be in a year's time, and what sort of features would make you feel better?

Once you have a clearer idea of how you would like your life to change, then you can start thinking about the steps you might need to get there.

For instance, I bet that getting your own place is high on your list (am I wrong? I bet I'm not).

To do this, you will need money. How do you get money? Well, you can either work, or claim Housing Benefit.

If you claim HB then you are sorted (although I think that being under 25 you could only claim for a room in a shared house -- but that could be good because housemates can become friends!).

If you need/prefer to work, then you have a whole lot of other questions to answer -- such as what work are you REALLY suited to, and how realistic are your expectations?

I wish I could give you simple one-size-fits-all answers, but your situation and your abilities are unique to you.

I think cbt might be a good idea. I get a bit of an impression that you look at your life and the things in it in a more negative way than they deserve. Im not saying that your life is great and you just don't know it, but that the good stuff is being a bit dismissed because of your negativity towards it. Cbt can really help with that.

I didn't have many friends when i was younger either. Like you, a few friends who didn't live that close, that i didn't see that much and had their own lives going on that i wasn't really a part of. As I've got older those friendships are still there and those people seem to appreciate me more now. Its funny how I'll not see them for months and then when i do nothing has changed.

I've also realised that they are the ones who are more inclined to be there for me during difficult times. Its just a shame that they don't all know each other so we can all go out together.

I've made other friends as I've got older because i have children so have met other mums at play groups and things. I was amazed how easy it suddenly was now that there were these ready made groups of people, all at this same stage in life with shared experiences and sleep deprived!

I see them quite a lot so to others it probably looks like i have loads of mates and a good social life, but actually as time has gone on I've realised that its not many that i can say are really friends, some are just company for each other and nothing more. I was quite disappointed with how shallow some of the friendships turned out to be. When i needed help i thought they would offer or be happy to help when i asked but they weren't.

Those original friends are still there for me though. Not on a daily or weekly basis, but are the ones who know me best. Don't dismiss those friendships.

I always am envious of one woman i know who has great circle of friends from her school days. They are all still really close and meet up for special occasions and weekends away. I never really had that and Im starting to think its quite rare.

Sorry if that's garbled nonsense!

JustThis

Of course not thank you for your reply

Charity

No, getting my own house isn't high on my list, I had moved out for 6 years before I moved back in with them.

I had hardly any money when I lived elsewhere. I don't particularly want to live with my parents, but it's the only realistic option in London IM afraid.

I did used to have various flat mates over the years, some became friends (although drifted away a bit), though others made life hell! so not sure if it's worth it, tbh!

I don't particularly want to live with my parents, but it's the only realistic option in London IM afraid.

Cobblers. Since you're not tied down to a job at the moment, you could live anywhere in London you liked. You're free to move around as you want. I live in London (admittedly as a lodger) and I pay £85 a week, including bills. There are bargains out there, but you have to be looking and ready.

I did used to have various flat mates over the years, some became friends (although drifted away a bit), though others made life hell! so not sure if it's worth it, tbh!

Well, it's a chance you take, living with others. When it's good it's great, and when it's bad it's awful. But surely it's worth a gamble, if you don't want to live with your parents?