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Original poster

Different libidos

43 replies

Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 17:22

Hi,

I don't really know how to begin.

I've been married for 25 years with 1 daughter (now 16).

My husband is hard working and committed to both of us BUT I'm so tired of being woken every morning at 6am with him trying it on and going to bed at night with the same.

I go to bed at night and dread it because I know he'll be wanting sex. In the end I usually end up masturbating him - just to get it over with and for the sake of a good nights sleep as he still tries it on no matter how many times I tell him I'm not in the mood.

Same in the morning. We haven't had full sex for about a month - because basically I feel like I've had sex twice a day for what seems like an eternity.

This morning he told me I had to 'get my priorities sorted'. By that he meant that I had better start being more willing in the bedroom.

In other areas he's great - I trust that he will do what's best for us and heaven help anyone who would be disrespectful to us.

BUT this is causing a wedge between us - and I mean HUGE. I'm so completely knackered with it all that I'm just about ready to run off and stay in a crummy bedsit on my own.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation.

Do you think I'm being selfish (I've actually tried to feel sexy, suggested we go to counselling (he says it's me that needs it - not him) - or do you think there's any way I can get through to him that I can't cope with it anymore.

I'm so tired and feel really weepy about the whole thing.

Sorry for the rant - but any suggestions would be welcome.

Thanks.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 17:33

You get this twice a day. He's the one being incredibly selfish and I would go so far as to say he is sexually abusive. He's not respecting your wishes, he's sexually coercive, there's a bullying tone to 'get your priorities sorted' and accuses you of being unwell for not complying. There's a name for someone who has sex with an unwilling partner and its not a pretty one.

Hard-working and committed are good qualities but not seeing much affection. Are you sure he's decent in other respects? Or do you just do as he says rather than stand up to him?

Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 17:38

Hi CES,

Well - regarding 'affection' I'm not sure if it's me that causes some of the problems.

He asks me to sit next to him and 'cuddle in' - I don't do it because as soon as I sit next to him the next thing is he's groping me and it puts me off. But I honestly don't know if I'm being 'frigid' and selfish as he does want to sit with me and 'cuddle' me.

He is always trying to get me to go out with him and I don't mind going out say for a coffee but at night when we go out - one the way home he's got this thing about groping me while walking up the street. I don't know if I'm being a prude though (I'm 52 - so honestly - I'm like FFS I'm not a teenager anymore).

I don't know I'm not making excuses - what I'm really really trying to figure out is if I'm adding to it or if he really is just a selfish bully.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 17:38

"do you think there's any way I can get through to him that I can't cope with it anymore."

I don't think you 'get through' to someone this unreasonable. If he was a decent man saying 'no' would be adequate

Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 17:41

CEG - thanks - at the moment I'm not speaking to him. He asked what was up this morning and I told him I was sick of his bullying and of his babyish sulks because he hasn't got his own way.

I know I need to deal with this but I also need to confirm in my own mind that it's him and not me (I know, I know - but I need to reassure myself)

Thanks.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 17:49

When I mentioned affection I meant that there wasn't a lot of affection in the way you described him. A certain admiration for his achievements, perhaps, but not affection.

OP You're not a prude, frigid or selfish. I don't think there is anything wrong with your libido either. Being badgered for sex twice a day and constantly touched in a sexual way is actually a form of Domestic Abuse and it would leave anyone cold and nervous. Where's his respect for your personal space? The way you describe it, it sounds like he sees you as 'living porn'... a walking blow-up doll, tension relief or something horrible like that. I'm not seeing love, put it that way.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 17:49

BTW... is he a porn user do you know?

mammadiggingdeep · 12/10/2013 17:52

Oh my god...no, you're not frigid. Most people don't want it twice a day...and nobody wants it twice a day because they HAVE to.
I really feel for you. I don't know what you can do but something has to change, you can't carry on feeling like this.
Is it something that will end up being a deal breaker do you think? Do u seriously think u can end it over this?

Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 17:54

CEG - no definately not a porn user - but he loves the music channels - where the guys all have 'bitches' dancing around half naked - and he'll say things like 'you should wear that', 'why don't you do a dance like that'. At times when he's trying it on I've told him to go to the bathroom and relieve himself but he won't.

Mamma - Thanks as well - I was seriously hoping that people wouldn't say I was frigid - but was worried about it because I'm quite a soft person and always try to see both sides. Regarding it being a deal breaker - I don't know I'm getting to that stage simply because I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 17:57

Makes perfect sense that he'd love a 'bitch'... Hmm It's why I asked about porn because I think the type of man that uses it sees women as a source of gratification rather than people in their own right. Has this really been going on for 25 years?

Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 17:59

CEG - I see - you mean me feeling affection for him.

hmmm I feel that he's been supportive over the past when I went through serious depression about 15 years ago and when I lost my dad so I appreciate him for things like that.

I don't look at him and feel affection as such because basically if I want to give him a hug his hands are all over me.

I am very soft in that if I see someone struggling it does upset me and I'll do what I can to help. He gets a bit mad at that and says I should feel sorry for him!! But he's so strong and in control it's difficult to feel any empathy for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 18:01

You're too quick CEG.

I'm not sure when it started. I think I've probably felt like this over the past 6 years or so but for me it just seems to be getting worse.

I don't know if this is his frustration at not getting sex, or if it's just that I've noticed it a lot more. Of course at the start of a relationship you're always 'ready for it' and I was so into him and him me that I never thought I'd feel like this.

OP posts:
BucketArse · 12/10/2013 18:03

OP, this isn't a 'libido' thing. You're not 'frigid'.

What you are is married to a vile, entitled, misogynist who sees you as a glorified fuck-hole.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

You wank him off twice a day and he abuses you for not opening your legs?

It's your eyes you need to open.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 18:03

For 'strong and in control' I think you mean 'bully'. What are you actually getting out this relationship now?

mammadiggingdeep · 12/10/2013 18:07

I honestly do not know how you've put up with this for so long!! I agree, I think he's seeing sec in a different way to most people. He definitely feels entitled to it...that's where the hugs end up being gropefests etc. oh op...I really have no advice but sending u best wishes in sorting this out. Some wise soul on here will help you with advice. Just don't let yourself be bullied into it any more. Don't question yourself, if u don't want it, u don't want it. End of.

Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 18:09

BucketArse - thanks - that sounds harsh - reading it like that. I appreciate your comments and need to think seriously about what you've said. It's interesting to see the situation from an outsiders point of view and straight to the point.

CEG - thanks - again - Today I don't know what I'm getting out of the relationship. Maybe I just don't know what a 'happy' relationship is?? I don't know I feel quite scared of leaving though.

I know he'll be home shortly and I'm dreading it because he will ask why I'm in a mood and act like nothing's happened.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 12/10/2013 18:12

Making sex a chore or a duty is the fastest way to make anyone go off the idea. You could point out to him that if he made a decent effort at seduction instead of demanding and did things to please you occasionally, you might be a lot more interested. Nonetheless, it sounds like there's a whole lot more missing in this relationship than a decent sex life. The whole thing sounds depressingly grim and joyless, to be honest.

Diamondjoan · 12/10/2013 18:13

Hi OP, you mention that he tries it on twice a day. Is this because he's not getting any and is just chancing his arm, or would he have it twice a day seven days a week if it was on the table so to speak? What's your preferred frequency? Maybe you could compromise and meet in the middle and he might be happy if he was getting a bit of action on a fairly regular basis, but more to your terms as to when it isn't appropriate for him to pester you for sex.

Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 18:16

Hi

Sharplily - the thing is he does try to do nice things for me sometimes, like run a bath or make a meal (not a nice meal - he ain't a good cook - but he does try). That's why I'm thinking it could be me at times?

Diamondjoan - I've said to him that if he'd give me a bit of peace and not try it on every single day I'd be more likely to want it - I even suggested twice a week on certain nights. But he said that wasn't any good.

I feel like I'm moaning about something that deep down is my own fault. That I should have dealt with this properly already - you know like people who you give advice to and they don't take it. Sorry I'm just so tired and confused with it all and feel a bit ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 18:16

How about you tell him you're unhappy (not 'in a mood') because you're fed up with the sexual coercion? What used to be something personal and enjoyable has now had every shred of intimacy & pleasure stripped from it and is turning into a chore. Tell him you don't like being groped and you don't find it flattering. It's in danger of wrecking the whole relationship. Be honest, in other words.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 18:22

The trouble with being in a relationship with someone who is coercive, domineering and controlling is that they achieve that by convincing you that you're the abnormal one. The bully plays on your fears and exploits any weakness... such as a sense of obligation or any hint of self-reproach... to get what they want. They make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself to the point where you STFU and stop doing it.

It's not your fault. But such people are highly manipulative and will convince you it is.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 12/10/2013 18:23

and heaven help anyone who would be disrespectful to us.

He's not very respectful of you is he?

happybubblebrain · 12/10/2013 18:28

I would have run off long ago. Sex is boring.

Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 18:28

CEG - I get the bullying bit - but if you spoke to my husband he would tell you I'm a 'feminist'.

Oh I'm getting angry with myself now.

When he comes in I'm gonna say about not being happy with the way he behaves and I'm not even gonna enter into a conversation with him about it. I'm feel in really pxssed of now.

I just hope I continue to feel like this instead of getting guilty and weepy again!

Thanks everyone who's given me advice in this thread. I'll try to keep you up to date (if you're interested!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 18:29

Ha ha ha - happybubblebrain - luv it!

OP posts:
Diamondjoan · 12/10/2013 18:38

Certainly nothing to feel ashamed about.
Sex is important to most relationships, but your husband needs to realise that a good sex life isn't just ejaculating into you twice a day. He needs to create the proper underlying mood in the relationship that means both of you are open to sex and want it. He needs to make you enjoy it again.